I've been thinking a lot lately about what I mean when I say, "I want to be a writer". Because, you see, I say that as though I'm not already a writer, but in a sense, aren't we all writers? When we put pen to paper, or more often in this day and age, put fingers to the keyboard, aren't we writing? Whether it's a letter, a diary entry, an essay, a fiction piece, a poem, almost all of us have been "writers" at some point in our lives. So, there must be something beyond simply "writing" that I'm dreaming about.
I had an opportunity to write at a fantastic finance website, Wisebread, a site that I still read from time to time today. I wrote there for a few weeks and while at first the excitement of writing in an official capacity was enough to keep my interest, eventually it just became work, and not enjoyable work. Coming up with another way to save money, typing up my entry, editing, finding an appropriate header image... it wasn't what I wanted to be writing. When I was in college, I thought what I really wanted in the Air Force was to be a Public Affairs officer, to write for a living. I was disappointed at the time when I was selected as a Personnel officer, but I know now, in retrospect that I would have been miserable in any kind of journalistic capacity. Covering base current events and Air Force policies would have been as dull as dishwater and again, not what I wanted to be writing.
I write on this blog on various topics, all of them things that I care about or find interesting or entertaining in some way. I control the frequency of my writing and the subject matter, and even after almost two years of tapping away at the keyboard I still find my blog extremely rewarding. And yet, I haven't felt the kind of credibility from this that would allow me to call myself a writer--probably because when I blog I'm not carefully crafting entries, I'm not mulling over word choices, I'm not writing with a purpose in mind, I'm just writing what I feel, when I feel it, in whatever words tumble out of my brain and onto the page.
Writing, and the satisfaction that can come from it, is defined differently by everyone. If when you put words on a page, and feel satisfaction from what you've written, then I suppose, to me, that is "writing". For some, blogging is their art, and they do it beautifully. For some, it's journalism, and for some it's poetry. When I wrote my essays for Girls at War, I felt like a writer, when I came up with an idea for a novel and started writing, I felt like a writer, and when I received my first acceptance email stating that one of my short stories had been selected for publication, that was the moment I felt that I could say that I was a writer. I've started sketching an outline for another novel that may actually even get finished some day, a skeleton of a story that's been swirling in my head for months now, and it excites me that I am once again creating characters, situations, back stories, romantic entanglements, friendships, and emotions. Now I know that for me, writing is telling a story of my own making.
It seems obvious, but it was truly bothering me that for so long I've had this aspiration, and yet I never knew exactly what I wanted. I've always known that storytelling was what I enjoyed best, but there are so many amazing storytellers already in the world that it seemed daunting and naive to expect that I could ever count myself amongst them, even in the smallest capacity. But now, knowing that it's what I want to do, and having been accepted once, I think I finally have the courage that I needed to break down my reservations about ever trying. And even if it never happens for me, even if I get nothing but rejections from every agent and publisher I ever query, at least I'll know that I've tried for what I really wanted and found fulfillment and enjoyment in the process.
"And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star."
~From my most recent musical obsession, Man of La Mancha
