Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Lenten Confession

I hope everyone had a marvelous and debaucherous Mardi Gras!  I went to a spouse social at a friend's house (I always feel so 1950s wife when I talk about "spouse socials"), and brought along a homemade king cake and wore my crawfish beads that Colby informed me are actually shrimp.  I don't care.  I'm still calling them crawfish.

I used this recipe for the cake, and it turned out pretty well.  I think next time I'll bake it at a lower temperature, and do some kind of an egg wash to give it that nice shiny finish.  I'm also going to search for some kind of fluffy cream cheese frosting, because I hated how the confectioners sugar just turned into a messy drizzle.  Furthermore, gel food coloring is a tool of the devil.  Who decided that was a good idea?  Give me my food coloring drops back, immediately!

Anyway, today is Lent, and for the first time in years, I'm not giving anything up.  Over the past few years, I've given up dessert, Facebook and Twitter, shopping, and chocolate, but I've had a lot of revelations over the past year in regards to religion, and I feel hypocritical taking part in a tradition that I'm not certain I put any stock in.

I haven't talked much about my personal religious beliefs in this space, just like I try to avoid talking much about politics.  I try to keep things fairly noncontroversial for the most part, but it does feel inauthentic to share my life, but pointedly avoid the areas that make me who I am and drive many of my personal choices.

I'm still not going to go into great detail (unless you'd like to chat away from the blog!), but I can tell you that just as having faith is a difficult road, realizing that you simply don't believe the things that you were raised to believe is just as frightening.  To hear other people putting their hopes and dreams into a system that I can't accept as fact is jarring.  I am envious of people who believe that their life has a God-given purpose or reason.  Because instead of feeling that my life is driven toward a preordained destination, I am the one who is responsible for my own life.  Me and my choices.  Not a deity.

Colby and I talked about this a little bit a couple of months ago, and through our conversation as well as years of reading and education on a number of different religions and their histories in various civilizations, I came to the place where I am now.  I would not say that I am an atheist.  I don't know that agnostic is the right term either.  I'm still working through a lot of what I am and what I label myself, but suffice it to say that though I believe in the basic tenet of Christianity--kindness to others--I don't find the rest of it believable.

I think religion has caused more trouble than good on this planet.  I think it is silly to argue whether Buddha, or God, or Allah or any other god is "right" or "wrong".  It's mindblowing to me that any one religion can look upon the stories of another belief system as "myth", but believe wholly in their own myths.  

I believe that there is so much more to the universe than what humans are able to conceive of.  That we use religion as a tool to explain the unexplainable.  To control people.  I believe that when I die, I will simply cease to exist, and I don't find that frightening.  Heaven is for those of us left behind.  To believe that one day, we will be reunited with those loved ones who have gone before.  To make the loss less painful.

I could go on and on, and honestly, I find religion completely fascinating.  I have absolutely no desire to convert anyone else to my way of thinking, and would never want to take away anyone's faith if it is what sustains them and keeps them happy.  But for me, finally accepting that I had made my way onto a different road was incredibly freeing.  I still pray with the belief that putting good energy into the world can bring good energy back into your own life.  I don't judge others for what they believe or ask that they not pray for me if they feel so compelled.

I am very much a live and let live person, and just as I have no desire to convert others, please don't try to convert me.  I'm on a lifelong journey, and there is no guarantee that in ten years my beliefs won't have changed again.  But for now, this is where I am, and I don't feel that giving up chocolate for 40 days will bring me to any higher spiritual level.  Instead, I will continue to read and learn and think, and be forever grateful that I live in a world that allows this religious freedom.

El Viaje de Mi Vida

There were times on our way to Barcelona, on the cruise, and on the way back home that I honestly believed I was either going to die or commit murder.  Despite that specter of death, Barcelona managed to catapult itself into my Top 3 destinations, earning itself the great honor of being a city to which I would return without the slightest hesitation, following only Dublin and coming in slightly ahead of Tuscany.  It is remarkably clean, the architecture is stunning, and the people are incredibly kind.  The traveling trifecta!

We stayed at the Hotel Regina which was clean, comfortable, and a nice fusion of modern and traditional design, but more importantly inexpensive and amazingly located in the heart of the city steps away from the Placa Catalunya and La Rambla.  And right next door to a Starbucks.
My parents were supposed to arrive in Barcelona the day before us, unfortunately due to the horrible weather in Atlanta, the Northeast, and EUROPE IN GENERAL, they ended up arriving about seven hours after us.  While we were waiting for them, we decided to jump on board the hop-on-hop-off bus and get an overview of the city.  We saw plenty of modernisme architecture, centuries-old buildings lining the streets, cathedrals, and more and got back to the hotel with just enough time to squeeze in a short lay down before meeting up with my parents.  We went to dinner at a nearby tapas restaurant using the toothpicks to hold our eyes open, then my parents hit the hay while Colby and I went for a nighttime stroll along La Rambla.

We were warned and warned and warned again about the pickpockets in Barcelona and especially along La Rambla, but we never felt the least bit unsafe.  We kept our belongings where we could see them, were alert to our surroundings, and Colby wore the dread money belt under his shirt, and we came away unscathed.  The best part of visiting the city when we did was that all of the streets were decorated with beautiful Christmas lights and decorations, the buildings were glittering with LED lights, and pesebres (nativity scenes) were scattered around the city.  It was magical.

The next day we went back to the hop-on bus so that we could hit the Gaudi sites.  We started at Casa Batllo on Passeig de Gracia in a block of buildings referred to as "The Block of Discord".  Now granted, Gaudi architecture is a bit much, but I've got to tell you, I fell in love with the whimsy, surrealism and organic flow of his buildings.  You'd be hard-pressed to find a right angle anywhere in his design and there is so much creativity in everything from the flooring to the door handles.  We also went to Casa Mila, but as it has been converted into shops, we decided to just view it from the outside.

To continue our Gaudi experience, we continued on to La Sagrada Familia, his unfinished masterpiece.  Gaudi began construction on the cathedral in 1882, and it is estimated that it will take another 30-50 years to reach completion.  I cannot even put into words how incredible this cathedral is.  Let me tell you, this is no St. Paul's Cathedral or St. Peter's Basilica.  This cathedral is like walking into a mythical forest--unimaginably tall columns stretching up toward Heaven like towering trees, jewel toned stain glass windows cast bands of rainbows on every surface.  It is unlike anything I've ever seen, and all you can do is stand there, slowly rotating in the center of the construction chaos, pivoting slowly, head tilted back, mouth agape.

I'm not a particularly religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but standing in that cathedral, taking in the genius of another man's passion for his art and his faith, I couldn't help but think, this is a cathedral God could really get behind.

Confessions Part 3

(Don't forget, today is the last day to enter my pearl necklace giveaway!  All entries must be submitted by midnight and the winner will be announced tomorrow.  And follow the directions so I can give you all the points that you earn!)

So, it's been a long time since I've bared my soul to you and confessed a whole lot of things that I generally keep swept under the carpet.  But sometimes, it's very cathartic to just SAY THINGS, regardless of what people will think of you or whether anyone will agree.  Get it out there, let it roll around the universe for a bit, and then let things settle where they may.  It's been a while since I've done this.  I wrote my first round of confessions almost two years ago, and I let go another volley a few months later.  So, here we have it, my most recent round of Uncomfortably Honest Things I Should Just Keep to Myself.  Except I'm a blogger.  By definition, I am incapable of keeping things to myself.

* I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and my foray into child care further reinforced my desire to raise my children myself and not depend on relative strangers to do it for me.  I don't judge moms that choose differently, but wow, there is some seriously weird shit that goes on in child care.

* I’ve come to think that my Masters degree is a huge waste of time and money.

* I hate any website with music that plays automatically.  I don’t care how well you write, I’m out.  Jane Austen could come back from the dead, start a blog, and if Colbie Callait came blaring on my speakers, I’d be done.

* I am crazy competitive.  Unfortunately, I’m not super great at a whole lot of things.  This can frequently lead to a “situation”.

* This competitiveness spills over into blogging sometimes.  I’m never going to be a super blogger.  I get that.  I embrace it.  But the stat counter can really boost or destroy my ego.  Especially when I think about how many hits I used to get, compared to how many I get now.  I know I need to just get.  Over.  It.  But that’s difficult.

* Sometimes when my dogs are really driving me nuts and I snap at them and yell like an ogre or smack them on the nose, I become absolutely horrified at what kind of mother I might be someday.  Note to self: remove all wire hangers from the house the second I conceive.

* In addition to the boobs I would like to purchase some day, I would also love to have extensions put in my hair.  For it is flat and thin and uninspired.  Yes, I would like to be made of Fake.

* I’ve been going through a serious crisis of faith for the past couple of years.  I know I believe in something.  I just don’t know what it is.  I still pray, but I don’t know who or what I’m praying to.  Usually, I just feel like I’m talking to myself.

* Receiving a long email can significantly brighten my day.  Hearing my phone ring makes me want to throw up.

* It doesn’t matter how cute a piece of clothing is.  If it runs small and I have to “size up”, I refuse to buy it.  Subsequently, Target and Old Navy get a lot of my money.

* I don’t work out to be healthy.  I work out so that I can eat like crap.

* If no one comments on my Facebook status, I feel like a total loser.  Me = totally secure.

* I think people who follow trends regardless of how that trend is even remotely flattering are stupid.  Remember gauchos of yesteryear?  Bodysuits, anyone?  The rompers of today.  Mark my words.  We will look back and laugh.  Bitterly.

* I think I’ve become addicted to tea like most people are addicted to coffee.  I can’t go a day without a cup.  Or two.  Okay, three.

Spring Has Sprung!

I was beginning to think it would never happen.  I'd started to think that maybe we had brought Washington weather with us to South Carolina and that the temperatures in the 50s were here to stay,  But at long, long last, the pollen came to town and brought the warm temperatures with it.  It's been in the upper 70s to mid 80s for the past few days, and on the weather this morning all of the projected highs were in the 80s.  Yippee skippy!!!

Of course, with those temperatures finally showing their faces around here, and summer creeping its way around the corner, I'm starting to get a lot more serious about my summer prep projects.  First and foremost is getting the fence finished and getting some landscaping in so that I can lay out in the backyard with a bit more of a screen between my pasty white body and the neighbors.  Colby has been working his tush off on the fence, with a bit of assistance from your truly, and it looks absolutely amazing!  He only has a couple of panels to put up along the side, and then 8 more post holes to dig and some panels to put in to connect the fence to the house.  I'm so proud and lucky to have such a handy husband, and I'm already lobbying for him to put in the patio before he leaves for his deployment.  He informed me yesterday that it would probably be better for me to wait until the post-fence-construction euphoria had set in to mention that project anymore.  Noted.

I'm also starting to get a little more serious about my Jillian Michaels time.  Granted, it's surprising the muscles that I've been feeling after working in the yard, but shorts season is here and while I don't want to lose any weight, I do want to tone up a bit more before I have to prance around the beach in the equivalent of my underwear.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that long-distance running is just not a good thing to do to my body, but I had made a lot of progress with my run time in January and February, so I'd like to get back to those little 2.5 to 3 mile jaunts around the block.

And the most exciting thing about this time of year?  I am only TWO DAYS AWAY from the lifting of my Lenten ban on shopping!!!  I've only had three slip-ups and have bought absolutely zero clothes, shoes or accessories since before February 16.  I bought two magazines and an iTunes album before I even thought about the fact that by doing so I was technically "shopping", then last weekend I went to a local arts fair and saw some adorable ducks made out of iron and rock that I absolutely had to have. Since the company selling them is located in Minnesota, I figured they might not be back next year, and requested a special Lenten dispensation from Heaven.  But on Sunday, I will once more be able to shop without fear of a lightning bolt from above!!  First things on the list to buy?

 
(L: Lands' End Swim Essentials Underwire Bikini Top, R: Lands' End Chino Utility Shorts)

  
(L: Lands' End Smocked Slub Jersey Dress, R: Lands' End Patterned Cotton Lawn Skirt)

(L: Anthropologie Creative Outlet Tank, R: Anthropologie Hourglass Surplice)

(Ann Klein Sestina)

And PS, when did Lands' End become so awesome?!?  Do they have a new designer for this season, or am I just fully coming into my old ladyhood?

Confessions

There are some couples that when I find out they are getting a divorce, I am very sad, but also not very surprised.

My opinion of how "fat" or "thin" I am completely depends on how well a pair of pants fit, not how I look in the mirror.

I still really, really want a boob job, but have put off thinking about it until post-babies.  Every time I try on a shirt or a dress, or put on another 34A bra that I can't completely fill out, I reconsider that decision.

Whenever I realize that a blogger is about to launch into a political post, I click away from the blog.  I get enough of that in "real life".

I'm pretty sure if Playboy offered me 2 million dollars to pose in their magazine, I'd do it.  I would, however, require a LOT of airbrushing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really feel ready to have kids.  I always thought that I'd have my first child at 26.  That happens in three months and I know it's not what I want right now.

That makes me feel guilty for thinking that traveling and new shoes are more important than bringing a new life into the world.

I have written seventy pages of a book that I feel has great potential, but I don't think that I have the talent to make it as good as it should be.  I haven't so much as looked at the file on my computer for seven months, but I think about it every night when I'm lying in bed.

I am terrified of dying, because I am not completely sold on the concept of Heaven.  I wish I could make myself believe that we don't just cease to exist upon death.

Whenever I meet someone new, I always rate my attractiveness against theirs.  Completely shallow, completely automatic.

I always say that I have no regrets.  That is a lie.  I have two of them.  One I can't do anything about now, but the other I can.  I know I probably never will.

It makes me sad that I haven't received birthday or Christmas presents from my last remaining grandmother for the past few years.  I understand her reasoning, but the twelve-year-old in me is disappointed each year.

I don't like The Notebook.