It's hard to believe that we're already at the end of February and the girls are almost four months old. The last month and a half or so has been so much fun. They know who we are, and give us the brightest, happiest smiles. Annabelle's eyes light up and her mouth opens wide into the most adorable expression of glee. Charlotte raises her eyebrows, crinkles her nose and gives you a sideways glance and a mischievious grin. They're rolling over, trying to sit up, playing with toys, giggling at the baby in the mirror, trying out their voices, chewing on their hands. They take naps in their own room, giving me a much needed few hours to myself throughout the day. It takes ten or fifteen minutes to get them to sleep at night instead of three hours. They interact with the world around them, and even seem to be beginning to notice each other as they'll suddenly stop what they're doing and stare intently at the baby across the way. In short, I am loving this mom gig.
But full, brutal, honest disclosure? I didn't always.
It's still hard to admit that to myself. To know how hard we had to try to get here, and how much I felt like we'd made a huge mistake for the first two months of the girls' lives--that I wasn't cut out for this.
It's strange, because you hear all about baby blues and post partum depression and how hard motherhood is, but it's something that you just cannot prepare yourself for or understand until you are in the trenches. And once you're in there--the bullets whizzing by your head, in the same pajamas for the third day straight, a screaming baby in your arms and one ramping up, exhausted, sick to death of feeding your child--it suddenly seems like everyone around you is experiencing this perfect, rosy version of motherhood.
I think the world of social media has to take a lot of the blame for that. Now that I'm coming out on the other side of the horrible "fourth trimester", I look back and realize that I projected--or tried to project--that same image. Everything is perfect. I couldn't ask for a happier life. Look at this beautiful Instagram-filtered photo of my ideal life. But don't look beyond it. Don't really see me.
It took me time to fall in love with my babies. That's another one I wasn't expecting. Not only is motherhood hard, but either there is something very wrong with me, or not everyone forms an immediate, loving bond with their child. I was caring for these tiny strangers who didn't care, or even know, one way or another about my existence. I had a very strong protective instinct toward them--so strong that I experienced my first anxiety attacks after their birth. So strong that I was physically incapable of "sleeping when the baby sleeps". But I didn't feel an instantaneous, enjoyable love.
Combined with that, was the horrible guilt that I didn't feel like holding them all the time, that I resented the fact that they were attached to me every two hours--sometimes more. I was almost angry about the fact that breastfeeding went so well because it meant that I never got a break, that I didn't have an excuse to just formula feed and not be solely responsible for their nourishment. I actually do enjoy nursing now, and am so glad that I stuck with it, but it has taken me almost four months to get to this point. It took me almost two months to learn to enjoy my children, and to love them in something other than just a primal way. To enjoy their company. To look forward to seeing their little faces when they wake up, and not dread the moment.
I still feel awful confessing these things, but I feel even more awful keeping it a secret. Maybe this is normal. Maybe other people have these feelings. I don't know. Looking back, I wish I had realized that I was experiencing a little more than just the baby blues. I realized it in retrospect, but by then I was starting to come out of it and didn't feel the need for professional help.
I'm so glad that I had a supportive family here to help out with holding babies, cooking dinner, not judging me and my pajamas. That I have a husband who could not possibly be more helpful. Who changes diapers, gets up with me at night, rocks screaming babies to sleep, cooks dinner, helps clean the house, doesn't judge me and my pajamas. That I have two beautiful baby girls who I have finally fallen completely in love with.
I'm still not at the point where I can say that I hope we have another baby some day, but I have gotten to the place where I can understand why people would want to do this again. When I was stashing away the outgrown newborn and 0-3 month clothes, I actually found myself wondering if I should save it for possible future use. So things have gotten better. We're all doing better. But I wanted to be honest about how I got to this point. Maybe someone else out there is feeling these same things. Maybe everyone else feels them. Maybe no one else does. But it was my experience.
Long-time lurker here, but I had to come out to post that I really admire you for posting this, and tell you that you are not alone. My sweet girl is 8 months old now and I still have moments where I feel like I'm totally not cut out for this mom gig. And you have two of them! Two! Thank you for being brave enough to post the truth.
Posted by: Stephanie | February 25, 2013 at 03:26 PM
Another long time lurker! I just wanted to congratulate you on your honesty! Every mom to be I come in contact with wants to know how it was when we had our Gracie, 4 months ago and I am always honest. I felt that guilt that I didn't feel that instant connection with her right away. Yes I loved her but I was so totally overwhelmed that I had those "What did we get ourselves into?!" moments. I always felt so much guilt for that and don't want any other moms feeling that guilt because it's such a normal feeling! I think the honesty is so important so great job Mama!!
Posted by: Cait | February 25, 2013 at 04:05 PM
I was there, so there. I pretty much thought I was the only one too. It was overwhelming to me and I only had one. I can only imagine how overwhelming two would feel. :) They are lovely girls. Congratulations again.
Posted by: Anne | February 25, 2013 at 04:51 PM
You are totally normal. Most of us new moms feel overwhelmed with just one, so I can't imagine two - AND breastfeeding them. My biggest struggle was definitely breastfeeding. We never could figure out the nursing thing so I pumped exclusively for 6 months, and those first few months were definitely the hardest. Pumping, feeding, and then washing bottles just to do it all over again 2 hours later was so exhausting and my biggest frustration. And it's helpful to know that the bond with your child grows as the child grows. It was news to me too that all moms didn't pop out their first baby and feel instantly bonded. It takes time and we shouldn't feel guilty about it. So thanks for sharing this. I feel like all moms should be honest about this because even though we're all posting adorable photos of our babies, not every moment - or thought - is perfect. And that's okay.
BTW, you are totally cut out for this mom thing. A natural! ;)
Posted by: Liz | February 25, 2013 at 05:40 PM
My best friend (who is a psychologist and the mother of 2) told me while I was pregnant that falling in love with your baby is not always instantaneous when they are born. I think that helped with some of the guilt, but definitely not all of it. I can remember when they placed Evan in my arms thinking, this little stranger is going to change every aspect of my life forever. And being pretty much terrified. And then a couple weeks later, even though it was still hard, I couldn't imagine my life without him. There is definitely an image projected by movies and other mothers that there is an instant bond. Even by me. I know I've thought about telling other expectant mothers this same thing (probably even you) and thought, well what if they do feel that overwhelming love immediately and then think I'm an unfeeling monster because I didn't. I really think being a parent gets better every day. The more they can interact and the more mobile they are just makes it more enjoyable. :)
Posted by: Melissa | February 25, 2013 at 06:18 PM
I dont know if its "normal" or not, but I felt much the same. For several months. It was awful, because being a SAHM was my dream job, and then... I kinda hated it. I never had that magical bonding moment in the hospital that people talk about. My mm would call me telling me how much she missed Hannah and how she couldn't wait to see her again, and all i could think was... why? She's a crying sack of potatoes who cant even focus on an object more than six inches from her face and cries all the time. What is there to miss? I came to the conclusion that I'm just not a baby person, and that was terrifying. I was scared I'd never properly love my kid. Because honestly? I didn't really love her until she was about three months old. The sleeping helped A LOT :)
And now I love her so much I could just die. Toddlerhood is maddening sometimes (lots of times) but I'd take a cranky, teething toddler stomping around the house throwing things over a happy infant who needs to nurse every two hours ANY DAY. Seriously. You've made it through the hardest part! And you did it with TWO AT THE SAME TIME. You're amazing.
I hope the guilt fades a bit as time goes on. I mean, babies are great, but... newborns kind of suck. If I could pay someone to live my life for me for the first three months or somehow gestate a kid right through the fourth trimester (or better yet, just give birth to a one year old who can communicate and walk around and eat regular food) I'd be all over having a second kid.
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Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | February 25, 2013 at 08:04 PM
Girl, I was right there with you. All I can say is that it just gets better as they get older (and I don't think it's a coincidence that you start to get to sleep a little more too) and I agree with a PP, I will take a temper tantrum-ing toddler over a baby any day. It is hard and unrelenting. But so worth it, too. Bravo for your honesty. xo
Posted by: Cat | February 25, 2013 at 08:10 PM
Bravo to you for being so open about this. While I'm not a mother, I've seen many friends go through the very same thing. You're definitely not alone, and I imagine for you it was even more difficult because everything was multiplied by 2. So glad to hear you're feeling better about everything. Hugs to you!
Posted by: Stevie | February 25, 2013 at 09:03 PM
This is all totally completely NORMAL and I feel sad that you went through a time thinking it wasn't! I agree that social media puts a light on things making life seem perfect when it isn't. I have had someone say that about my pictures on Facebook and I had to laugh out loud because, yes, my daughter is adorable and I post fun pictures of our family outings but just because I am not one of those constant complainers online does NOT mean that life is perfect here! Far from it!
Posted by: Becky M. | February 25, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Yes. I loved Eliza, but took awhile to fall in love with her and being a mom. Its a huge transition and happens so fast. I think its about doing the best you can in any given moment. It gets better .. now, she'll be two next month and I'm wondering where the time went ;-)
Posted by: Becky | February 26, 2013 at 04:17 AM
This is completely normal. I was right there with you for both kids. I knew what to look for the second time around though but nevertheless the feelings still came. The resentment and doubts. Motherhood isn't perfect at all. I'm glad you're doing better now but it's really nice that you shared your experience to see if maybe it'll help someone out there.
Posted by: Solace | February 26, 2013 at 04:18 AM
Big hugs and major props to you for being so forthcoming about the first few months with your girls. I can't say I've been there [obviously], but I can understand the transition that takes place and am so glad you had extra helping hands to support and encourage you. xo
Posted by: Caro | February 26, 2013 at 08:35 PM
I'm not a Mom, but I know several of my Mom friends who've described feeling similar. That being said, I can relate to that feeling of "everything else remotely similar to what I'm doing is going so well for everyone else, so clearly something is wrong with me" feeling though with home ownership. In the first three months of owning a home we had a flood (that resulted in damages to our bonus family room), a tornado (that resulted in a tree on our roof), and a non-working air conditioner over a holiday weekend with 100+ degree temperatures (bonus, my husband was gone for two of the three incidents). Meanwhile, (seemingly) all of my friends were hosting perfect backyard barbecues, executing flawless home renovation Pinterest projects, and manicured landscape works of art were showing up all over Facebook. Homes are not the same as babies, but I think that type of feeling is similar. Good for you for recognizing it and being honest with it. I'm slowly falling in love with my inanimate house, so I have no doubt you will fall in love with your beautiful girls! Thanks for sharing. :)
Posted by: Annie | February 27, 2013 at 03:40 PM
Many of my friends have described similar feelings. Which makes me feel a bit better because the thought of looking down at my newly born baby and not "feeling it" is my greatest fear. I'm a little nervous about this whole child-rearing thing, and everyone says "you'll love the kid the minute you see it!" "the love is instant!" And all I can think is "what if it's not?" It's not like you can just give a kid back. And it's truly something you can't prepare yourself for. So, I'm really scared of all that unknown. But, it's helpful to hear from people like you who have those feelings, and come out of it just fine.
Posted by: A Super Girl | February 27, 2013 at 06:59 PM
seeing as to how i have absolutely no experience with this i'm just glad you could share it. hope it all goes up from here. xoxo
Posted by: katelin | February 28, 2013 at 12:33 AM
I'm glad that the sun is starting to shine for you again. For those of us who felt the same way as you, combined with the overwhelming upheaval motherhood brings to our lives, the first couple of months lead to what I call survival mode. If I could get through the day without crying and manage to take a shower, then I considered it a good day. Hang in there mama, you're doing a great job!
Posted by: Karen | February 28, 2013 at 10:32 PM
of course you aren't alone..see?
many of your feelings ones that other moms have, and are very normal.
we had an easy go of BF, too, and I did enjoy it, but there were times that I wished my husband could get up at night with our son. My husband would say "just pump and I will give a bottle", but as we know, it's not that easy!
I am glad the fog is clearing and you are feeling better. I had a baby in November in Germany, and it is so difficult with this kind of depressing weather. Feel free to email me for support with that! :)
Posted by: Jen | March 01, 2013 at 12:40 PM
I'm glad you're feeling better and emerging from the fog now. We had a pretty rough start too, and I still feel a little sick when I think of it sometimes. It got a lot better, but damn, it's still hard sometimes (in that overwhelming newborn way, not just in the "duh babies are hard way") I can't even begin to imagine that with two. I want another still, but sometimes I'm scared I want a second chance as much as a second baby.
Posted by: Hotpotatokate | March 03, 2013 at 09:10 AM