Seven Bad Eggs

I wish more than anything that I was reporting in today with better news.

We had our egg retrieval on Wednesday, and everything seemed great.  I woke up from the anaesthesia (I'm always a little anxious about that part), and went to recovery where we learned that the doctor had retrieved ten eggs.  Not a stellar number, but certainly something that seemed workable.

We got home and enjoyed some quiet time out on our porch while my fabulous cleaning lady made my house sparkle.  Once she was gone, I popped some Percocet and crashed on the couch.  I woke from my coma a couple of times for a little television viewing and to eat, but I mostly slept the day away.

When I woke up on Thursday, I was waiting anxiously for the fertility report from our embryologist.  Of course, he called right before I walked out the door to go to work to drop the bomb on me.

Out of our ten eggs, only six were mature.  Out of those six, only three fertilized.  He reminded me, perhaps a little too emphatically that quality is more important than quantity, and while we most likely won't be able to freeze any embryos for future efforts, it only takes one good embryo for this round.  So, we'll be doing the transfer on Saturday at noon.  Assuming there are any good embryos left to transfer.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.  I had to go to work at two different jobs--one with the baby I've been taking care of since he was 2 weeks old and his big sister, and the other for a little boy whose mom just had a baby girl last night.  I held the baby as he fell alseep and tried not to cry.  I oohed and aahed over photos of the new baby girl born just after midnight and tried not to cry.  I sat on the sofa while the 2 year old napped and tried not to cry.  I spent the entire day trying not to cry, and once I got home and was free to break down, I couldn't.

Not to introduce a political debate, just to clarify my mindset, I've never been one to believe that life begins at conception--or fertilization in this instance.  However, I think attempting to create a baby this way certainly makes me much more protective and attached to those little embryos in the petrie dish.  We've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and in all of that time, I have no idea how many eggs have fertilized and just failed to implant.  But knowing that we have three potential babies in a lab and there's nothing I can do to help them along breaks my heart.

I'm trying not to give up hope, but I'm also trying to prepare myself for the worst.  The awful part is that we won't know for another two weeks if the transfer even worked.  I don't know how I'm not going to go crazy.  On top of that, all of the HCG coursing through my system is already giving me faux pregnancy symptoms, and I'm bloated and crampy from the egg retrieval, just adding insult to injury.  Or injury to insult.

Hopefully I'll be back with better news next week, but whichever way it goes, I want to thank you all so much for your support through all of this nuttiness.  I can't tell you how comforting it is to know how many people I have in my corner, wishing for good things for us, and I just hope that all of that positive thinking is enough to bring about a positve outcome.

Comments

[Molly]

There is still hope.

I'm sorry for the hurt, physical discomfort and disappointment you're experiencing though. Hope you are able to relax this weekend. Take care of yourself, girl. And know there are tons of us out here cheering you on!

[PomJob]

Hugs and positive thoughts for you, dear. Try to think of it as three GOOD eggs!

[A Super Girl]

...but three good eggs?

I can imagine it's really hard to be optimistic here. And my heart broke a little when you talked about how protective you are of those little embryos, because man have I never thought about it like that before.

Good luck with the transfer, and after it's over, just rest up and think happy, fluffy, implanting thoughts :-)

[Mandy]

Hang in there Angela. I know this probably sounds crazy but it really does take only one good embryo to have a healthy baby and there's a reason they harvest that many eggs even though nobody really wants to have 8 babies all at the same time anyway. This will probably also sound crazy but welcome to parenthood... because so much of what happens to your is really out of your hands. You do the best job you can with the information and resources you've got, and sometimes there is a WHOLE LOTTA praying that everything really does turn out for the best in the end.

[erin]

I can totally imagine how hard it is to be optimistic, so I'll be optimistic FOR YOU! Three good eggs are GREAT! And I knwo how much it stinks to not be able to protect those eggs right now, but the transfer will be so soon and I'm gonna think all sorts of positive thoughts for the transfer too. Sending you lots of love.

[Solange]

My heart dropped when I read your post title. BUT three good eggs? That's great!!! Like everyone else has said: try to think good thoughts, even though it may be understandably difficult for you to stay optimistic right, so then we all will be for you! Thank you for writing about your journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers :)

[Stephanie]

loving on you and hugging you....just ready to hold your spirit in my arms whether it is to celebrate or to comfort. I know with positive thinking AND prayer our dreams do come true. "puppies and rainbows" :) XXOXOXX

[Lori]

Honey, I'm not reading/writing/commenting on blogs these days (no time), but I wanted to take the time to comment here because you are so dear to me.

You are so very, very special and so is Colby. Not only do you two deserve to have a child, but the world deserves to have a child that you two have raised into an awesome person. That child WILL be an awesome person. I don't doubt it for a minute.

I can't imagine the ups and downs you're going through right now and it's not fair. It simply isn't. You have such an amazing spirit and so much to give.

We (BJ and I) love the dickens out of you and Colby and though BJ doesn't pray (what? how did I marry an Athiest? Tell me! How did that happen? ha ha), I'll be praying enough for the both of us.

I love you honey. You are one of my (I didn't give birth to) kids and you always will be. Just like my biological children, I want only good and wonderful things for you. I'm praying with all my might that this happens for you.

Love, love, love,
Your Washington state mom

[Operation Pink Herring]

It's so hard when there is just nothing to do but wait. All my positive energy is coming your way. Hang in there, little embryos!

[melissa]

I agree with your doctor, quality over quantity! You only need one! Keep your head up :)

[Kate P]

How does it happen that those kinds of phone calls are always right as you're trying to get out the door? What a process. Everyone's in my prayers.

[Melissa]

Oh, girl. I am so praying for you! And thinking good thoughts, of course, but i believe in the power of prayer & I will pray for you every time i think of you (which is often). The waiting part is just ridiculous... it sucks... but you are right in that you have so many supporters rooting for you! LOVE & HUGS! xoxo

[CL]

Definitely keeping my fingers crossed for you. Good luck!

[Cat]

Three good eggs, girlfriend! Three is good. Hang in there, I know it's an emotional roller coaster, but it sounds like you're doing well, all things considered. Sending lots of love and fertility vibes!

[Fraulein N]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. You guys are in my thoughts.

[steph anne]

You're definitely in my thoughts and I hope there will be better news next week.

[Janet]

Angela,
I've been having a hard time commenting..trying again to see if this works...

Just wanted to send you good and happy thoughts. What you're going through is so nerve-wracking and I really hope you will have success. So many people are rooting for you!

xoxo

[Elizabeth]

I sincerely hope you get better news this week--I'm not very familiar with the getting pregnant side of infertility, but I do know about waiting and hoping, and I know that is so, so, so hard to do. My thoughts are with you--you have lots of people who adore you waiting and hoping with you.

[Annie]

Thinking positive, happy thoughts for you guys and the eggs!

[Jessica]

Sending you and the eggs positive thoughts! Keep us posted.

[Elle sees]

I was just thinking of you, and about to search for your blog to check on things.
My friend is going through the process too. She just received the news she has no good eggs left, so if she wants kids, she'll have to use an egg donor. I'm just thinking positively for you both! And yet Snooki can get pregnant. Life!