Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Good Things

Last week was a whirlwind of events, and this week looks to be even crazier... followed by another busy week visiting my sister in NYC, then another busy week with multiple family members in town.  Fortunately, I had an incredibly low key weekend to recuperate and prepare myself for the onslaught.

But I'm really not complaining, because things have been going so much better than I thought possible.  We made our payments for our IVF cycle and my fertility medications, and much to our great shock, the total came to just a little over half of what we had budgeted.  Partially this is because we were initially planning on the multiple IVF cycle payment plan, so deciding to just go with the one cycle dropped our payments by about $5000.  Then there was the fantastic news that Tricare will cover part of the medication, dropping that payment about $2000 from our estimate.  Then, when we went to the clinic last week to sign some consents and get our finances in order, we were told that they had had a meeting with Tricare just the day before and the company had agreed to cover the $900 room fee.

It's funny how when you're preparing yourself for a bill in the five digits, a total in the four digits seems like pocket change in comparison.  I mean, a LOT of pockets full of change, but you know.  It softens the blow.

Still, we haven't quite cleared the financial obstacles ahead of us, so we aren't blowing our ravaged, but still intact nest egg on a round the world cruise or anything.  We hope against hope that we'll be one cycle wonders, but just in case we aren't, it's good to know that we've got a small buffer to help us through another cycle.

Then there's our beautiful, beloved Charleston home which we're planning to put on the market in mid-February.  We met with our realtors last week, and while they helped us feel a bit more optimistic that our house will sell fairly quickly, there's always the chance that we'll be responsible for two stateside mortgages as well as a steep deposit (usually one or two months rent) and rent payments in Germany.  But they seemed reasonably confident that we'll be able to at least get our money back on the house, and if we're lucky maybe a little more.

We've been spending each weekend for most of January going through each room of our house and making brutally difficult decisions about what will come to Germany, what will stay in storage in the US and what can go to consignment shops or Goodwill.  It's absolutely astounding the massive amount of stuff that accumulates with time.  We have only been here for two years and don't have an attic or a basement, so I honestly have no idea how all of this extra stuff has been floating around our house all this time.  But we are making progress, and I only have a few closets left to purge and plenty of time before the movers arrive.

I've also been working quite a bit, and still enjoying every minute of it.  I'm nannying four days a week, and with additional as-needed babysitting jobs, I'm typically working five or six days each week.  I'm very proud to say that with just a couple more weeks of work, I will have earned enough just from my jobs to cover our fertility meds.  The only regret I have is that I didn't get into this business a long time ago!

This week is full of more work, more home improvements, and lots of fun times with friends.  We've only got a little time left before our life changes dramatically in multiple ways, so I'm trying very hard to live each day to the fullest and not wish away the now in exchange for the unknown future.  Times they are a'changin'!

IVF Protocol

It's been a crazy few days, but I'm feeling a lot more postive about the future than I was this time last week.  In one of my previous posts I mentioned that our house in Washington had been sitting vacant since mid-December, and while the previous tenants paid through January to comply with their one year lease, we were starting to get anxious about the idea of no longer earning any rental income come February.  Much to our extreme excitement, last week we found out that we have an awesome couple moving in to the house in mid-February.  I expect that means we'll only get half the month's rent, but half rent is so, SO much better than no rent!

In addition, I got some incredible news about my fertility meds.  I'll be starting the medication for my IVF cycle at the beginning of February, so I spoke with the pharmacy yesterday to arrange for delivery at the end of this month.  When the girl asked me for my insurance information, I told her that we'd be paying for it out of pocket because Tricare doesn't cover anything.  Much to my surprise, she told me that they will, in fact, cover some of the meds, just not the Follistim (which is of course, the most expensive one, but STILL!).  I'm skeptically awaiting the news that she was wrong, and we will have to pay out of pocket for everything, but for the time being, the medication cost is at the lower end of the $2000-5000 estimate.  I'll have to make the actual payment in about a week and a half, so I guess at that point, I'll know for sure.

I'm still trying to decide just how much I want to share here about our IVF experience.  I've been really open about everything so far, and it's been a great method for venting my fears, frustrations, anger and sadness, but at the same time I'm starting to ping pong wildly back and forth between absolute pessimism and intense optimism about the process.  On the one hand, I want to share this because I know people are curious, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to share what we'll be going through.  I think it's pretty fasinating, actually, and it seems easier to share our experience this way than to have to retell the same story over and over again.

Here is what we know now:

February 7th I'll begin taking Lupron, which essentially shuts down my reproductive system and allows my doctor to take over and control all of the baby making hormones through medications.

February 20th I'll go to the clinic for an ultrasound and estrogen check to make sure that my body is responding properly, and then I will begin taking the medications that stimulate the follicles and eventually, assuming all goes well, take a HCG trigger shot that will pop the eggs almost out of the follies in preparation for retrieval.

March 2nd will be retrieval day when the technicians will hopefully be able to create at least one perfect, healthy future baby in a petri dish, and 3 or 5 days later (depending on how well things are developing), we'll do the transfer of either one or two embryos and know a little after that whether or not we've had a success or a failure to launch.

If we are fortunate enough to get pregnant on our first try, I'll want to shout it from the rooftops... AFTER we hear a heartbeat and know that everything is as certain as it can be--which will not be until some time after March 4th or 6th.  Even in a "normal" pregnancy, the chance of a miscarriage in the first 8 weeks is alarmingly high.  If it doesn't work, I don't know when I'll be ready to talk about it or how we'll handle that crushing disappointment.

For the time being, I'll still be sharing my journey openly and am always willing to answer questions or talk about it with anyone who is interested.  But at the end of the process, please don't be surprised if I suddenly clam up and don't say much one way or another.  I hope against hope that in the not so distant future I'll be sharing wonderful news with you, but I beg of you all not to make assumptions one way or another or try to read between the lines about whether or not I'm pregnant.

It's hard to believe that it's been 15 months since we first started on this journey.  18 disappointing cycles.  Countless tears.  Copious amounts of wine have all led us to where we are now.  It's silly and superstitious, but I'm trying very hard not to imagine myself pregnant in just a couple of months, picking out nursery furniture, or searching for a house that can accomodate a family of 3 instead of 2.  When we first started trying for a baby, we were so excited to talk about names, paint colors, the pros and cons of a boy or girl.  Over time, those conversations faded away and the excitement turned sour and it's come to feel like tempting fate.

I'm trying to allow myself to experience some feelings of excitement again, but it is terrifying.  There is so much more at stake now than there was a year ago.  So much money.  Our last shreds of hope.  I hope that at some point, I'm able to feel pure happiness and excitement again, but for now I'm cautious.  Cautiously optimistic, but cautious nonetheless.

Tag, I'm It

Two lovely ladies have tagged me in that eleven questions meme that's been wending its way about the blogosphere.  Given that I have a million things going on in my life and no idea how to begin putting them into words, it seems the perfect timing to just sit back and let other people come up with the topics.  I'm changing the rules a bit, but here's how it's supposed to go:

1) You must post the rules.
2) Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post.
3) Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
4) Tag eleven people and link them on your post
5) Let them know you’ve tagged them!

There, rules are posted, but in lieu of posting eleven things about myself, then answering eleven questions twice over, I'll just answer the two sets of questions.  And I'm not tagging anyone.  I'm in a rebellious mood.

First up from Kate who is 34 weeks pregnant and could probably still beat me in a race:

1. Where do you sit when you blog?
On my sofa with my feet propped up on our storage ottoman/coffee table.  I have a well worn corner of the sofa that necessitates flipping cushions around to disperse my butt prints.

 

2. What's your hot drink of choice?
Hot tea, preferably of the breakfast or chai variety, with a healthy dose of cream.

3. When did you get your driver's license?
Nineteen.  I chose to be chauffeured around by family and friends for as long as possible.

4. Which toiletries are you "brand loyal" in relation to?
I have a favorite brand or type for most everything.  I'm pretty particular about my beautification process. 

5. What accounts for the biggest proportion of your grocery budget?
Hmm... I actually have no idea.  Probably meat since it's so expensive, but I don't really eat it that often, especially when Colby is away.  Maybe cheese, actually.

6. Are there any authors whose books you will automatically buy?  If so, who?

I don't know that I would automatically buy them, but I would certainly automatically read anything by Carol Goodman, Kate Morton, Philippa Gregory, and Elizabeth Kostova.

7. Do you still read the paper newspaper?
No.  But to be fair, I never did.

8. Be honest- do you like McDonalds?

Yes.  I hang my head in shame.  I do love me a two cheeseburger or quarter pounder with cheese meal a couple times a year.  Those french fries, man.  I don't care if there's formaldehyde in there, they are fantastic.

 

9. Do you prefer crosswords or sudoku? Or do you hate 'em both?
I love doing crosswords, but I mainly do them when I'm at Colby's parents' house.  It's my morning ritual there.  Tea and a crossword puzzle at the kitchen table.  I have never been able to get the hang of sudoku.

 

10. What is your least favourite household chore?
Cleaning the bathrooms.  Loathe.

 

11. If I told you my birthday, could you tell me my star sign?
Not a clue.

And secondly, Melissa, who is adorable and never fails to make me smile when she posts.  If it is possible for perkiness to seep through a computer screen, she pulls it off. 

1. What are your biggest pet peeves, not including traffic issues? (We all have traffic issues.)
People talking in movie theaters.  Good LORD, I hate that.  Other than road ragey moments, this is one of the few times when I will openly glare at you without reservation.

2. If you could go on an all-expense paid vacation & take one person, who would you take & where would you go?
I would absolutely love to go to Russia, and of course I'd take my charming husband along.

 3. If you could do anything you wanted for your next birthday, what would you do? (Money is no object & everything is okay to eat!)

Dinner on Ile St. Louis in Paris, ice cream at Berthillion followed up by a midnight ascent of the Eiffel Tower with the twinkly lights on.

 

4. What is your favorite play or musical? If you do not have one, how are we friends? (Totally kidding. I don't watch football, it all evens out!)
Hmmm, this is difficult.  Wicked is a pretty strong front runner.  But Phantom is a much longer time love.

 

4. What are some of your favorite girl names? Favorite boy names?
My lips are sealed!  (There are two number fours!  Bonus points.)

 

5. What is the biggest lesson you have learned in life?
Never give up.

 

6. What is your favorite recipe? (Link please!)
My mom's spaghetti sauce... I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

 

7. What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it?
I just finished Philippa Gregory's The Lady of the Rivers, and I'm almost finished Pat Conroy's Prince of Tides.  Both are highly recommended!

 

8. Who is your favorite author or speaker?
Favorite author is either Margaret Mitchell or L.M. Montgomery.  I don't really follow any speakers closely.

 

9. Which bloggie friends do you hope to meet in real life?
There are so many.  I'd love to meet Melissa and think there's a pretty good chance of it happening some day since she's real life friends with my little sis. 

10. What is your nervous habit?
I bite my lips, fold my hands really tightly.

11. What do you hope will happen (that could happen!) in 2012?
Well, I guess the most obvious is a run in with a stork of the baby delivering type.  But other than that, I just really hope we find a wonderful house in Germany and that the move goes as smoothly as possible.

Charleston Marathon: The Half Aftermath

I did it!

Saturday morning, I rolled out of bed at 5 in the morning and bundled up in my warmest running attire for the coldest, longest run of my entire life.  I downed some maximum strength Mucinex, a glass of water, and grabbed a peanut butter sandwich for the road, and by 6:30 I was in the car with some friends on our way to the old Navy Yard.  As became the theme of the race, some people had some issues with the shuttle buses dropping them off late for the start of the race, and I would certainly agree that they could have used a few more buses at the finish, but I also feel like if you show up at 7:30 for a race that starts at 8 am 13 miles away, you can't really be toooo angry if you aren't there exactly on time.

The buses dropped us off a couple of blocks from the start and we got in the long line for the porta potties.  Fortunately, the lines moved pretty quickly, and I had plenty of time to drop off my bag and we got to the start about 10 minutes before 8.

It was still in the mid 30s at this point, and the wind was whipping pretty strongly.  I had on some capri running pants, and spaghetti strap cami under the long sleeve race tee under a zip up compression running jacket.  I had cut the feet off some wool socks and was wearing them like leg warmers, and some ear muffs, and still we were hopping around trying to keep warm.  Finally, it was start time, and while the walk up to the start mat was slow, I was able to get off to a good pace as soon as I hit the starting line to the blasting theme of Chariots of Fire.  I was very glad that they were using chip time instead of just gun time to track our race time.
The first four miles were beautiful.  We started at the top of East Bay and made our way around the peninsula, running through the historic downtown and along the beautiful battery.  Fortunately, despite the cold, the sun was shining and it was truly a magical feeling knowing that all of my training had led up to this moment.  Unfortunately, as documented here, I'd gone a long ten day stretch with no running at all, had only fit in three training runs in the week prior to the race (3 miles, 4 miles, and 5 miles) that had all been incredibly awful, and I was still coughing and feeling a bit of congestion in my chest, so the magic was not to last for long.

I started to cough a bit around mile 5, which was also the first time I actually saw a mile marker.  This was also right around the time that I realized I had accidentally pushed a button on my watch that stopped my timer and I had no idea how long I'd been running.  This was also around the time that the route got a lot less scenic.  The good part of the route is that it was incredibly flat--I can see how adding in more scenic parts of the lowcountry would require bridges which of course involve inclines.  But I wouldn't have minded crossing the Ravenel Bridge to get into the Mt Pleasant/Shem Creek area instead of the exceptionally sketchy North Charleston area.  However, at mile 8 I was extremely grateful for the flat road, and mile 9 marked the longest I had ever gone in a training run.

I was feeling pretty tired at this point, and my hips were a little sore, but I was lucky that there was plenty of water and Powerade available at each of the mile markers.  Apparently this didn't hold true for some people, and I can't imagine how brutal it must have felt running all those miles with no hydration.  By the time I hit mile 11 my legs were DONE and I was just praying to make it to the end of the course.  I was still forcing myself to run some, but there was a lot of walking happening at this point.
The course did get a bit prettier in the last couple of miles as we ran through a residential area and along the waterfront, and my mood improved when I saw mile 12 looming.  I got my last cup of water and took off for the end of the course.  I finished the race at a run, and crossed the finish line at 2:38:37, or a 12:05 minute mile pace.  I got my medal (which again, a number of racers who finished after me didn't get because the organiers ran out early), and suddenly there was Colby with his camera and a giant hug.

I collapsed on the curb to attempt a stretch while I sent him off in search of water.  At the moment, I was thinking thank jebus that's over, but with some reflection and distance I'm really thinking I'd like to to another half.  I think with proper training and hopefully not getting sick right before the race, I could probably shave about a minute off of my pace, and I really did find the majority of the run bearable.  It was only the last few miles that were miserable at the time and I think it was only because I'd never made it that far in my training.  I was pretty sore and tired on Saturday after the race, Sunday I actually felt a little less sore, and by Monday I felt totally back to normal.

Charleston Marathon specific, I think the course could certainly use some improvements, and for safety reasons, there MUST be water along the course for everyone.  People came from 46 states to participate in this race, and it would be nice to show them the beauty of the lowcountry instead of strip clubs and crack dens.  But I did very much appreciate the flatness of the course, and I think for it only being the race's second year in existence they did a great job.
Up next is the Cooper River Bridge 10K at the end of March.  Today I'm hitting the pavement again for my first post-race run, but I'm excited about cutting out some of my runs each week and adding back in my quality time with Jillian Michaels and Jackie Warner.

Top 10 Reads of 2011

After a rather lackluster year of reading in 2010, I'm excited to be back with a full top 10 list culled from the books I read in 2011.  I really enjoyed just about every book I read last year (with the exception of Ulysses, now known as the only book I've ever broken up with before finishing), and it was incredibly difficult to pare the list down to the 10 best.  But without further ado, my top 10 books of 2011:

1) The Swan Thieves, Elizabeth Kostova
You may know this author from her previous tome, The Historian.  The Swan Thieves retains the same dark sense of foreboding and mystery, and verging ever so slightly and somehow realistically into the paranormal.  The story centers around a psychiatrist who becomes obsessed with solving the mystery as to why his patient attacked a painting of Leda and the swan. 

2) Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand
I honestly never expected to enjoy a book about a WWII POW as much as I loved this book.  Louis Zamperini's life seems made for fiction--an Olympic athlete, dashing WWII pilot, and subsequently POW in a ghastly Japanese prison camp.  This book is a riveting page turner, and you'll never think of rice the same way again.

3) The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
I read this book at an especially timely moment in my life, as I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was facing infertility and would be unable to have a baby without intervention, so that may be why it struck such a nerve with me.  This book is set in a sort of parallel world where women are farmed out to families to procreate due to a pollutant that has rendered the majority of the population sterile.  It is a beautifully written story of love and survival. 

4) The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
If I had read this book as a teenager, I would have been desperately in love with the main character, Holden Caulfield.  Holden is a prep school student in the 50s who is saddled with a number of neuroses and a caustic wit.  He wanders the streets of New York and is generally a tragically hilarious mess for the duration of the book, and I dare you not to remember how painfully difficult it is to be a teenager, no matter what the decade. 

5) A Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin
I read the first three of the Song of Ice and Fire series upon which the television series, Game of Thrones was based, and I found that it really enhanced my understanding and appreciation for the story.  The books are somewhere between Lord of the Rings and a Philippa Gregory novel.  The central plot is loosely based on The War of the Roses in England between the Yorks and the Lancasters, but you don't have to have any knowledge of British history to enjoy the battles of swords, wits and lust that keep the pages turning. 

6) The Book of Lost Things, John Connolly
I've mentioned before my love for exploring the darker side of fairytales, and this novel is exactly that.  In WWII England, a young boy relocates with his family to the English countryside, and when he discovers a mysterious book in his room he discovers a mysterious portal into a fairytale world made up of the creatures found in the book and his own imagination.  In order to return home he must evade the deliciously creepy Crooked Man, a number of horrible villains, and journey to the King where he can find the way home through The Book of Lost Things.

7) Beloved, Toni Morrison
Let 2011 be known as the year I finally gave Toni Morrison a chance and fell madly in love.  Sethe is an ex-slave who endured horrific experiences to gain her freedom, and is now living with her family who is haunted by the ghost of her first baby who died in infancy and whose tombstone is engraved simply with the word "Beloved".  Eventually the haunting seems to take a corporeal form and Sethe must face her past as it threatens to destroy her present.

8) The Trial, Franz Kafka
On a day that starts out like any other, protagonist Josef K. is arrested and accused of a crime--the twist being, no one ever tells him what he is actually meant to have done.  Throughout the book he attempts to defend himself against an undisclosed to us or him accusation, and we are thrust with him into a world of nightmarish confusion, uncertainty and fear.  It is impossible to ever know whether or not Josef K. is guilty, but you will find yourself rooting for him and contemplating the ridiculousness of our own legal system. 

9) The Year of Living Biblically, A.J. Jacobs
I'm not religious in the least and agnostic at best, but I still find myself fascinated with the study and exploration of religion.  So when I discovered this book about an agnostic Jew who decides to spend an entire year living strictly by all of the rules set forth in the Bible, I was hooked.  It's at times touching, hilarious, and entertaining.  It makes no attempt to mock the Bible or religion and by the end of the book, the author describes the new respect he has gained toward religion, but it's also incredibly funny to read about his endeavors to comply with each and every rule in the Bible from the most well known to the most obscure.

10) The Road, Cormac McCarthy
I pretty much love any novel set in a dystopian universe, and The Road does not disappoint.  It follows and unnamed man and his son who are on a journey south following an unnamed disaster that has virtually leveled the world.  The prose is clear and unembellished and you can't help but feel as though you too are journeying down a grey and dusty post-apocalyptic road, relying on your wits to survive. 

Honorable Mentions:

13 Rue Therese, Elena Mauli Shapiro

Mockingjay/Catching Fire, Suzanne Collins

Sarah's Key, Tatiana de Rosnay

2010 Top Books

2009 Top Books

Stressballs

Eleven days after it first began, I am STILL plague-ridden.  I really thought that yesterday would be the last day of my horrid cough and froggy voice, but come bedtime, I was kept awake for hours with the gagging TB cough and woken up this morning by the same affliction.  I would feel guilty about not working out, except for the fact that my abs are actually sore from all of the coughing muscle contractions.

So, I don't necessarily feel guilty about the fact that I haven't run in 10 days, but I do feel exceptionally stressed about that fact given that I'm meant to be running a half marathon in five days.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I've always operated under the rule of symptoms above the neck, okay to run, symptoms below the neck, keep the running shoes in the closet.  But I HAVE to run this week.  I'm worried about the fact that I'm still coughing and my lungs are all mucousy (yum!) but I really need to gauge my running ability at this point.

I'm hoping to get in four or five miles today and Wednesday, then a short run on Thursday before taking Friday off in preparation for the half.  I'm comforting myself with the fact that a lot of people surely run half marathons with far less training than I've done, and if I can't run it, well by golly I sure can walk for 13 miles.  I've been working up to this for so many months now, I can't just throw in the towel and not even try.

But oh, I'm so, so disappointed.

On top of that, I'm starting to feel incredibly anxious about our house in Washington.  We had wonderful renters in it who were planning to be there long-term, but sadly they had some personal issues arise that forced them to move to a new city.  So our house has been waiting for a new occupant since December, and so far, no bites.  Our tenants were kind enough to pay their rent through the end of January, so as long as someone moves in by February 1st we aren't missing a payment, but January surely is speeding by awfully rapidly and so far no bites.

This is why I've never been remotely interested in becoming some kind of super-landlord with rental houses across the map.  It's too stressful and unpredictable, and the idea of having to pay the mortgage with no help from rental income for months on end makes me want to throw up.  In addition, we're going to have to drop thousands on our IVF procedure in February, so the extra padding in our savings account is a lot less fluffy than we would like.  And we're having to drop some money on home improvements in our Charleston house to make it ready to hit the real estate market in the next couple of months.

Ugh.  I really do have high hopes for 2012, and I'm still hopeful that things will start turning around soon, but oh my god, we are not getting off to a good start at all.

A Resolution Revolution

2012 got off to something of a rocky start.  I was lucky enough to book an amazing babysitting job for a family vacationing on Sullivan's Island, so I spent all of last week playing on the beach and strolling around the island with an adorable 2-year-old all while being paid what I found to be an obscene amount of money considering about 1/3 of my hours involved reading on the sofa while the kids were sleeping.  So, that part was good.

Unfortunately, by the time the 31st rolled around, my immune system decided to take a vacation, and shortly after the parents left and the kids were in bed, I found myself shivering on the couch, every blanket in the house piled over my aching body, completely unable to focus on my book I was so wrapped in sickly misery.  The parents finally returned home at 12:45 and I was released back into the wild, but before I was a mile down the road, I got pulled over for my license plate holder light being out.  This was surprising due to the fact that 1) I had no idea there was such a thing as a license plate holder light and 2) well, no, that's about it.  Fortunately, I got busted by a kindly cop who merely gave me a warning ticket before I could continue on my merry way.  

I immediately deposited my 101.2 degree body in bed beneath a fleecy robe, a sheet, a blanket, and my down comforter.  Then spent the rest of the night drowning in sweat while I shivered ceaselessly until morning.  As of today, my fever has vanished, but I'm left with a barking cough and a phone sex operator voice.  Happy New Year.  

I've decided not to make any resolutions for 2012.  I think I'll have plenty of stress and pressure between trying to make a baby, moving to a new country, and completing what I can of my 30 Before 30 list.  Anyway, resolutions in review:

Resolution #1:  Create a monthly housekeeping chores chart.
I managed to keep up with this pretty well throughout the year.  I got away from actually referring to the chart on a daily basis, but I kept up with most of my chores from day to day and rarely let the clutter and mess of the house get away from me.  I'm calling this one a win and plan to keep up with it. 

Resolution #2: Complete half of my 30 Before 30 List.
I got pretty close on this one.  Some of my items are partially completed, some I've had to accept just won't happen by December 20th of this year.  Life has changed a lot since I made this list a year and a half ago.  Some of the things I thought I wanted to do turned out to be not so important, and others have proved far more difficult than I ever expected--who knew having a baby would be the most expensive and difficult item on the list!  Anyway, I'm still working at it, but I've had to adjust my expectations about finishing it by my 30th birthday.

Resolution #3: Read 50 books.
This was a definite success.  I wanted to make an effort to spend more of my free time getting back to my first love of reading and less time parked in front of the television.  I read 59 books in 2011, and so many of them were amazing that it's going to be hard to pare it down for my top recommendations.