Tomorrow Is Another Day...

2011 In The Rear View Mirror

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Visited France, Germany and Austria; ran a 10K; fertility testing

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I came pretty close to keeping them, and I can honestly say that I actively worked on them throughout the year.  I'll write a whole post about resolutions at the top of the new year.  Not sure if I'll make new ones. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.  Many, many good friends had beautiful babies this year. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. 

5. What countries did you visit?
See above!  France, Germany and Austria. 

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?
I probably don't need to even tell you this, but a baby would be rather nice. 

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't really have great recall for dates, but events that will be forever etched in my memory are finding out that both Colby and I are saddled with infertility and learning that we will be making our home in Germany for a couple of years.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
I think maintaining my sanity and a shred of grace while dealing with infertility.  There have been so many times where it would have been so much easier to NOT bite my tongue when someone made an (probably unintentional) insensitive comment. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
I had big plans to work on my novel, and I haven't even opened the word doc once.  I think about it constantly, but I haven't made myself sit down and write.  I make time for blogging, why is this so hard for me? 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had surgery to remove a uterine polyp. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new iPhone.  It has changed my life.  And Angry Birds.  Same. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Colby.  Seriously, that guy rocks.  He has made me laugh when I wanted to cry, let me cry when I just needed to get it out, and been my rock this year.  It makes me all verklempt just thinking about him.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Personally, nasty anonymous blog commenters.  In a more universal sense, just about every political leader in the world. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
To Europe.  I thought we would have single-handedly ensured the success of the Euro.  Maybe once we live there full time we'll be able to turn things around. 

15. What did you get really excited about?
Travel.  I got to have some really fun adventures this year, from the Magic Kingdom and Wizarding World of Harry Potter, to the Bean in Chicago, to cheering on the LSU Tigers at good old Rocky Top, to the top of the Eiffel Tower. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Adele, Rolling in the Deep 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Strangely enough, probably happier, but only because of the events of the past month.
b) thinner or fatter? Neither, but probably in better shape.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer.  And soon to be even more so.  Hope our fertility doctor at least gets a boat out of this.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Other than writing more, I feel like I did a pretty good job of finding balance this year.  I make time for friends, work, exercise, keeping the house up--I'm actually pretty impressed with myself!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying  and/or feeling sorry for myself.  Turns out, it doesn't actually solve anything! 

20. How will you spend Christmas?
I spent it with my mom, dad, and sister at home in Baton Rouge.  It was perfect. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Not with anyone new, but as I mentioned, I gained a new appreciation for my relationship with Colby and I feel like we grew even closer despite the obstacles. 

22. What was your favorite TV program?
A lot of shows this year started out good then wen rapidly downhill... I think my favorites are probably New Girl, Modern Family and Once Upon a Time. 

23. What was the best book you read?
I read a lot of good books this year, but my favorite and the best written was Laura Hillenbrand's Unbroken.  Nonfiction, that's a surprise! 

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Um, I finally got around to noticing Adele!  I'm kind of slow in cottoning to "new" music. 

25. What did you want and get?
A new iPhone, glorious, magical thing!  And an assignment to Germany!

26. What did you want and not get?
A new computer, a baby.  Very different levels of disappointment.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?
I can never remember what movies I've seen over the year... Did the last Harry Potter come out this year?  If so, that one! 

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29 on December 20, and I went to dinner at Le Creole in Baton Rouge with my inlaws, parents, and some friends.  It was a wonderful celebration. 

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I feel like a broken record, but a baby would have been quite nice. 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?
I think I've finally filled my closet with clothes that I actually enjoy wearing and feel good in.  I don't think I really fall into any specific category, but the closest would probably just be classic.  I follow a few trends (jeggings anyone?) but only the ones I like and think flatter my body type.  All in all, I tend to avoid flash in the pan fashions and stick with clothes that I can wear year after year. 

31. What kept you sane?
Can I say cheap red wine without sounding like an alcoholic? 

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm constantly stirred by political issues... probably mainly the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, gay rights, and the economy. 

33. Who did you miss?
I spent an awful lot of the year missing Colby.  And my family.  And my friends around the country.  I spend a lot of time missing people. 

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Life doesn't always go your way, but as long as it keeps going you're doing okay. 

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

My Heart Is Going Pitter Patter

Oh, what a spectacular two weeks it has been.  My world has been completely turned upside down, but so far in only the best ways.

I would be lying my butt off if I said I wasn't the least bit nervous or anxious about moving to Germany, but so far any negative feelings have been completely trumped by my excitement.  I can hear the happiness in Colby's voice when he talks about it too, and it's so good for us to finally have something amazing to look forward to and help pull us out of the slump that we've fallen into this year.  I've already been hitting the German phrase books and (probably annoyingly) been dropping random German words and phrases into conversation.  I've been pestering friends with multitudes of questions and have justified the purchase of a few new items based on the fact that I will TOTALLY need new winter clothes for Germany!

On top of that, we found out that Colby will be coming home soon.  I can't say exactly when, but when I tell you soon, I mean SOON.  As in I just placed a call to our IVF coordinator so that we can start figuring out when we'll fit in our procedure between January and March!  SOON!!

I've been wandering through the house all morning thinking about how we'll stage it to sell, what items will come with us and what will go into storage, and all of the organizational projects I have in front of me to make this move as painless as possible.

And then, even in the midst of all the craziness, I made myself relax and enjoy a lovely Christmas at home with my family.  In past years it has become an all too rare incident for all of us to be sitting around the tree on Christmas morning, so I try not to take any of it for granted, and as fantastic as all of my gifts were, I spent most of my effort on imprinting memories into my brain and enjoying our time together.

Of course, I'm also another year older since the last time we met here in blogland.  On December 20th, my life calendar rolled over from 28 to 29 and I am now staring boldly down the barrel of 30.  And you know?  I'm not the least bit worried about it.

2011 has been a rocky year, at best.  There have been countless good moments for which I am truly grateful, but overall, I'm not sorry to be saying goodbye to this year.  2012 will bring with it so many adventures and dreams come true, that I can't help but look forward to it with hope and great expectations.  A new country, a new home, new friends, a new decade of life.  Bring it on 2012.  I'm ready for you!

Deutschland, Deutschland

It's hard to believe that just a little over two years ago I was excitedly announcing our assignment to Charleston, South Carolina.  A week and a half ago, I was still laboring under the delusion that we would be living here happily for at least another year--probably a bit longer.

Then Friday we got the news that we will be moving to Germany.  In May.

It's been three days since that shocking, sweeps week reveal, and things are finally starting to sink in.  We knew there was a chance that it would happen--we did put our name in the hat, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, but I don't think either one of us expected to actually get picked for the assignment.

There is so much to think about.  Colby will be coming home early from the deployment so that he can go to training for the new aircraft from March through April, then we'll be on our way to Europe a couple of weeks later.  We have to find out if we can squeeze in a round of IVF.  We have to sell our house, we might sell a car.  We have to decide what will go into storage while we're overseas, what will come on the quick shipment to live with us while we're in temporary housing.  We have to learn some German.  We have to get the dogs microchipped and injected full of various substances so that they can become international travelers.

And so, so much more.

But I am so, so excited.  Both of us have been dreaming of moving to Germany since we joined the Air Force.  We had really accepted that it probably wasn't in the cards for us since there are such limited opportunities there for someone on Colby's career path.  Then with our baby plans, it's not the best timing in the world, but one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as perfect timing and you have to take advantage of opportunities when they arise.  Because they may never come around again.

So.  Anyone want to come visit me in Germany?

Marathon Woman

I've been keeping a secret from you.  Not intentionally.  And not very well.  But it appears that in attempting to keep up with all of my various forms of social media, one eensy weensy little thing fell through the cracks on this old blog of mine.

Remember after I ran that 10K in April, and I was all, that was great, but believe you me, I will NEVER run a half marathon?

Well, I'm training for a half marathon.  Have been since October.

I'll wait while you all peel your jaws off of the floor.

Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me.  In fact, I wasn't even all that interested in having it in me (that's what she said).  But then a funny thing happened.  I went through month after month of people telling me all of the things that my body can't do.  Or does improperly.  My ovaries are geriatric.  I'm growing a polyp farm on my uterine lining.  I'm seemingly incapable of making a baby the way billions of women have since the beginning of time.

It made me sad.  It made me angry.  It made me determined.  I wanted to prove to myself that my body is capable of anything I tell it to do.  When faced with one failure, I searched my mind for the most improbable feat I could possibly conquer.  I came up with running a marathon.  Then I had a good long laugh and started researching half marathons.

I found one in its second year in Charleston, taking place in mid-January.  The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  I could kill many hours (many, many hours) during Colby's deployment.  I could keep my body burning tons of calories around the most gluttonous time of year.  And it wouldn't interfere at all with our spring time baby making plans.

I searched around online for a training program that I felt fit me best and settled on Hal Higdon's Novice 2 schedule.  It's meant for people who are not new to running but are new to half marathons.  Then I bought a new pair of shoes, started taking a daily dose of glucosamine chondroitin for my achy joints.  Then I started running.

So far, I've gotten up to 8 miles.  In a row.  All at once.  And you know?  It's not as bad as I thought it would be.  At this point, I can't say that I'm going to be a regular half-marathoner.  My body wasn't built for running--every minute, every mile is a slog to the finish.  I find myself semi-enjoying myself right up until about five miles, then I start having illicit thoughts about my sofa.  BUT.  At the end of each long run, I feel an incredible rush of accomplishment.  Realizing that I set a goal, and I achieved it.  That I can set another goal and achieve it.  That it's just one foot in front of the other, until I reach the end.

It's actually kind of poetic how it echoes our infertility journey.  It all started with denial and fear, and now we're tying on our metaphorical running shoes and putting one foot in front of the other.  You can't run 13 miles without running the first mile.  And every mile-marker you pass puts you closer to the finish line.

As of today, I have less than a month until race day.  I'm excited, and terrified, and filled with self-doubt, but my goal is just to finish.  If I have to walk, crawl, or swipe some roller skates, I will cross that finish line.

I wish all finish lines could be so definite.  It would be such a relief to know what the future holds, and how much longer we have to keep running.  But I know our finish line is just up ahead, and with a little endurance, a lot of strength and a positive attitude, we'll get there.  And then the finish line will be just the beginning.

Poor Unfortunate Soul

It has been way too long since I blogged.  I've kept myself quite busy since my last post, and kept thinking, "I really must blog this," but now that I'm sitting down to write, I'm having trouble remembering all of the terribly interesting activities I've been getting up to.

Well, for one, I had my hysteroscopy last week, and the doctor removed a polyp from my uterus.  I'm proud to say that I have been polyp-free for four days now.  It was actually surprisingly painless, though I'm a little concerned that I may be a drug addict now.  My anesthesia was absolutely dreamy--literally, I had a wonderful dream having to do with a large Christmas tree and angels--and for 20 minutes I enjoyed the best sleep of my entire life.  I actually managed to wake up from anesthesia feeling remarkably rested.  Well, after it took 2 nurses to transport me from the procedure room to recovery.  For a minute there I felt more like I'd just downed three cosmos and a panty dropper than like I was recovering from minor surgery.
As a side-note, ever since I discovered that I may be rife with uterine polyps, I've been imagining that inside of me is a tiny reproduction of Ursula's garden of unfortunates in The Little Mermaid.  I imagined mine as a sort of greying, mustachioed little man--an unholy combination of a polyp and the Lorax.  I kind of miss him now that he's gone.

My parents were in town for the week, to ensure that I did not have any sort of anesthesia related emergencies, not the least of which included perusing the underbelly of Craigslist for enterprising doctors who may be convinced to ply me with a steady drip of propofol on a nightly basis.  They kept mentioning Michael Jackson.  I got the message loud and clear.

When we weren't spending quality family time at the fertility clinic, we managed to have a little fun out on the town.  They treated me to a mouth-wateringly delicious anniversary dinner at Hall's Chophouse in downtown Charleston, my mom and I spent a day knocking out our Christmas lists, and we even squeezed in a matinee of The Muppets.  I still tear up when I think about The Rainbow Connection number, though that may have still been the remnants of drugs giving me such a warm, glowy feeling.

They headed home on Friday, and I spent the weekend recovering from all of my non-hermit behavior with a full DVR and a new book.  I even managed to squeeze in a little money-making, babysitting for a new family with three adorable kids.

All in all, it's been a good few weeks, and my mood has been, for the most part, pretty elevated.  I feel like I've finally gotten into my deployment groove, and have somewhat acclimated to my routine of single spousehood.  Obviously, I really wish that Colby could be here for all of the holidays and, well, everything, but I'm in a pretty good place, and it seems like time is going by a little more quickly now than it did a few weeks ago.  I've still got plenty to keep me busy with my favorite hobby of uselessly stressing and fretting, but at least now when I cry I generally have a pretty good reason!

Domino's Effect

Oh World, why do you keep finding new and uncharted ways to torment me?

If you know me at all, you are most likely aware of my deep and abiding affection for Domino's Pizza.  It all started on a cold December day, with a packed-to-the-gills moving truck just pulling up to our brand new life in South Carolina.  Because we firmly believe in the power of bribery when it comes to getting the best work out of our movers, we always buy them pizza and sodas and hang out with them at lunch time.  They usually end up being kind of awesome people with pretty fascinating lives, and in each of our moves they've gone the extra mile to help us in a number of various beyond the call of duty ways.  Let that be a life lesson.  Pizza brings people together.  And greatly reduces the amount of paperwork required by filing damage claims.

Anyway, we had noted upon driving into our neighborhood that there was a Domino's near the entrance, and they were running some kind of ridiculous deal on carry out pizzas.  So we loaded up on some pepperonis and supremes and prepared to worm our way into the hearts of some manual laborers.  Much to my shock, having not gone near a Domino's in ages, the pizzas were incredibly delicious.

The crust was garlicy and perfectly seasoned.  The cheese to sauce ratio was downright scientific in its perfection.  The sauce itself was delightfully tomatoey without the cloying sweetness of some unnamed competitors (cough, Schmapa Ron's, cough), instead balancing the acids with zesty red pepper.  From that day forward, a pizza love affair blossomed.

I got to know my pizza makers through the magic of the Pizza Tracker, always hoping that my favorite and generous with the cheese pizza artist, Christoper (yes, Christoper) would be in charge of my order.  Clapping my hands in delight when my order showed itself as winging its way toward my front door and otherwise daydreaming about these mysterious People Behind the Tracker.  I looked forward to the nights when Colby was away when I could curl up with a movie, a bottle of cheap wine, and a delicious Domino's Pizza.

Then it happened.  After nearly two years of the New Recipe Renaissance, I noticed a steady decline in the quality of the pizza.  The sauce began to taste less kicky.  The cheese and toppings were almost entirely missing on some slices.  The dough was returning to its former tasteless beginnings.  Worst of all, Christoper seemed to have moved on to greener pastures, as his name vanished from my Tracker, leaving me with a steady parade of less qualified replacements.

And last night was the final straw.  After over a week of spending hour upon hour in the kitchen, stirring, baking, cooking, and injecting, I had been looking forward to a quiet night on the couch with my Domino's and my DVR.  And my pizza?  It was nothing short of disgusting.  Tasteless.  Greasy.  Only the most scant smattering of cheese and toppings over a scraping of sauce.  As I chewed my way through a most disappointing pizza experience, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I don't know where I'll go from here.  I feel so unready and unwilling to jump back into the pool of delivery pizza options.  I thought we had such a good thing going for us, Dominos and I.  I feel betrayed, lost, alone.  Hungry.  Every time I look at that Ziploc full of leftovers in my refrigerator, those feelings of disgust and revulsion bubble back to the surface.  How could you do this to me, Domino's?  I LOVED YOU!!!

(Christoper:  If you're out there, find me.  I've got an oven in my kitchen and a pizza shaped hole in my heart to fill.  This could be the start of something beautiful.)