Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Off To A Good Start

I decided to begin this deployment as I mean to go on.  No... not crying alone in my car.  Not inhaling an entire carton of Pringles and a bag of Twizzlers in one sitting...  Maybe let's just not actually take Thursday into account at all.  But from Friday on, I was bound and determined to have a Good Weekend.

I kicked things off on Friday evening with a girls' night at a friend's house.  We ate tons of junk food, played corn hole in the dark (I still don't fully grasp that game), watched YouTube videos, and generally just helped take each others' minds off the fresh absence of our husbands.  I had intended to spend the night, but around 2 in the morning, I felt an overwhelming wave of homesickness and just wanted to be at my house.  Fortunately, I didn't have to call my mom to come pick me up--being 28 is SO much better than being six!

Saturday, I got the house in order, went for a four mile run, and made a sizeable dent in our DVR backlog.  Then, yesterday, I tried out Barsa, a tapas restaurant downtown, with a friend.  We've both been facing a lot of the same obstacles over this past year, so it's always nice to hang out and know that the other person just "gets it".  Also, the drinks and food were delicious!  I was thrilled to see "Pisco Disco" on the cocktail menu.  When I had my bachelorette weekend in New York many moons ago, we went to a swanky club where we ordered and subsequently fell in love with, Pisco Punch.  It's not a liquor I see on a menu often, but when I do I always try it out and bask in the fond memories.

I also uploaded a profile to a couple of babysitting sites, and have even booked a couple of jobs with a friend!  I'm really focused on trying to make some money over this deployment to put toward our Baby Buying Fund, and I like that with babysitting I can still retain some flexibility and make about the same hourly wage (if not more, which is pretty sad) than I would in many local office and childcare jobs.  Hopefully the jobs start trickling in soon.

This upcoming week is also pretty full, and I'm looking forward to brushing off the Alice in Wonderland costume for some Trick or Treating at the Outlets this afternoon!  Happy Halloween!!

Here I Go Again On My Own

And just like that, Colby is gone.

This deployment has been hanging over our head for about 10 months now, and yet it still managed to totally sneak up and blindside me.  I thought I was handling it so well.  I've been bracing myself for what seems like ages and almost hoping that D-Day would just get here so we could get it underway, then yesterday rolled around and I spent the whole day feeling utterly sick.  In fact, I actually think I'm handling this deployment worse than any of the previous three.  

Maybe it's because this has been such an emotionally draining year, and I expected things to be so different when this deployment rolled around.  Maybe it's because the thought of going through all of the holidays alone and then handling January and February--already my least favorite part of the year--is such a depressing thought.  Maybe it's because as much as I look forward to Colby's return home, I am dreading the coming of spring and all of the financial, emotional and physical stress that we'll have to face in our journey toward parenthood.  But any way I justify it, I can't remember feeling this bleak in the face of ~120 days apart.

Our first deployment was when I was still living in Arkansas, so I wasn't able to go to the deployment drop off.  The second deployment, Colby was on something called an Advon team--a small group of the squadron who leaves a few days early to arrive at the deployed location and make sure everything is set up properly and ready for the transition--so I did go to drop him off.  However, there were only a few other families present and one of my fellow spouse friends was a maintenance officer so we were actually able to go out on the plane to say goodbye to our husbands thanks to her connections.  Then last year, I left for Japan the day before the deployment, so my mind was distracted from the initial few days of his absence.  So last night was the first time I went to drop Colby off at the terminal, Hollywood movie style, and it was dreadful.

We walked into that room and everything felt wrong.  The lights were too bright.  The faces were pinched.  What laughter we did hear sounded forced and too loud.  People were sitting or standing around in small clusters, some staring blankly ahead, some trying too hard to pretend everything was totally normal.  It was terrible.  We dragged all of Colby's bags in, then immediately escaped back outside to say our goodbyes.  I can't imagine how other spouses stay there for hours waiting for the blade to fall.

 I think we were both trying to put on a brave face, but even Colby seemed more shaken up by this deployment than by others.  I struggled to stay calm, but couldn't help a few tears sneaking out, then as soon as he was gone, the dam broke.  It actually felt amazing to just let myself sob like an infant for a little while, and when I got home I consoled myself with a night of junk food and Project Runway (although the outcome of that only made me sadder), and eventually got to sleep.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house to drink wine and eat junk food with some other girls, and I have dinner plans for Sunday.  I'm already counting down to my parents visiting in three weeks, and as much as we're pinching our pennies right now, I've worked a few trips out to visit friends into our budget and a nice long visit home for Christmas.  I know that I'll get through this, and we'll be that much stronger at the end of it.  I'm so, so incredibly proud of what Colby does, and cannot imagine my life any other way.  But oh... this just blows.

Checking In

Hiya, strangers.  Just wanted to update a little to let y'all know I'm still alive!  We've had an amazing past couple of weeks.  We drove over to Tennessee to see LSU whoop the Tennessee Vols, then spent the next week at home in Louisiana enjoying time with our families.  Now we're back in Charleston, just trying to spend as much time together as possible over the next few days and check things off of the predeployment list.

I'll be back with more details and photos later this week and will be scooting around to all of your blogs.  In the meantime, if you have a moment to send thoughts for safety for Colby's squadron, we'll take all we can get!  It's never easy to be separated from family and loved ones, but this one is coming awfully close on the heels of the last one and many of the guys have already spent much of this year far from home, so this deployment is particularly tough for everyone.

Gets Me Down, Picks Me Up

Lately things have been pretty up and down for me.  One minute I'm super excited and pumped up about life, the next I'm crushed and sad and certain I will never smile again (that may be a hyperbole for dramatic effect).

What's getting me down and picking me back up?

Down: Every time we do more fertility testing we get more bad news.  Now the doctor is saying I may have polyps or fibroids in my Ute Monster and he needs to do another expedition, this time with a camera, to go in there and check things out and possibly remove anything that could be on my lining.
Up: My fallopian tubes are super duper clear, so A+ tubies!  You're the first organs doing ANYTHING right in this whole process!

Down: I'm still bummed that Apple didn't release the iPhone 5 this go round since I've been waiting over a year to upgrade to it.
Up: The 4S is still miles, ages, and gallons better than the 1st generation iPhone I've been using since 2007.  It's still serviceable, but it is so slow and I've been scared to update the IOS for years in case it grinds to a halt.  I'm mainly looking forward to finally being able to download the Pinterest app!

Down: Soooo much driving this weekend.
Up: But all that driving means that we'll get to see our Tigers play and see our families.  Plus, I get to subject Colby to hours and hours of audiobooks--woo!

Down: The value of our house in Washington has dropped even more in recent months.  Every time we think it can't get any worse--IT DOES.
Up: We're closing on a refinancing on the WA house in a little over a week that will bring our monthly mortgage down a couple hundred dollars, and every time I check comps for our SC house it shows that the value has risen significantly since we bought.  Please, please let that be true and hold out for at least another year!

Down: Today is Colby's last day of work before the deployment.  This is becoming ALLLLL too real.
Up: I'm sure there's something good about this, but I can't think of it.

Oh, I Know: 120+ days of being able to sleep with the bottoms of the sheets tucked in!

What have been your ups and downs this week?

Why Me?

"Welcome aboard, Mr. Pilgrim," said the loudspeaker.  "Any questions?"

Billy licked his lips, thought a while, inquired at last, "Why me?"

"That is a very Earthling thing to ask, Mr. Pilgrim.  Why you?  Why us for that matter?  Why anything?  Because the moment simply is.  Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"

"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.

"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment.  There is no why."

Slaughterhouse-Five
Kurt Vonnegut

Wamp Wamp Weekend

Well, I tried to go into someone's house yesterday to claim it as my own, but everyone has ADT signs outside.  I didn't feel like getting the police involved in my attempted imperialism.  Also, it rained all day and I didn't want to tromp mud into someone's house.

Anyway, this wasn't the worst weekend ever, but I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty pathetic.  Colby has been working his butt off to finish his Masters program, and this semester he's taking two pretty intense classes.  So, his weekend was spent with his nose in a book trying to work out complicated accounting problems in preparation for his midterm tomorrow.  I'd hoped we'd be able to have a little bit of fun around the city since this is our last weekend in Charleston before his deployment, but alas, studies come first.

I did manage to shoehorn a little bit of fun into my weekend spent mainly either in front of the tv or behind a book.  Friday night, I spent my evening surrounded by jewels at a Lia Sophia party.  I went in promising myself I wouldn't spend much, and ended up with a sparkly necklace and two pairs of earrings.  But really, I SAVED so much money!

Saturday, I went for an absolutely glorious four mile run in the neighborhood.  Charleston is currently in the midst of one of the two or three months out of the year where it is quite enjoyable to run outside, and I've been taking full advantage.  It was my first time back up to the four mile mark since we got back from our vacation, and I saw a definite improvement in my pace from the last time I ran it.  I'm still slow as molasses, but more like warm molasses as opposed to cold.

Sunday, I dragged Colby out for a date night at a new (to us) pizza place before he buried himself back in schoolwork.  Then Monday rolled around, rainy, grey and uneventful.  The lazy weekend caught up with me last night, and I was wide awake until about 3:30 in the morning.  Of course, I did nothing to stop the vicious cycle by staying in bed until (cough, mumble, cough) 11 o'clock (cough) this morning.  But tonight, I'm hitting up the melatonin early.  I may not be able to conquer entire inhabited continents through the use of flags and deadly disease, but sleep?  Sleep I WILL conquer!

Happy Columbus Day!

via

So Glad You Were Born!

October is a big month for my mom.  Not only is today her birthday, but this is also the month that we celebrate her victory over breast cancer six years ago.

Over the past couple of years, I feel like my relationship with my mom has gotten much richer and deeper.  It's not that we ever didn't get along (well, aside from a few moments when I was between the ages of twelve to eighteen), but I think the older I get, the more I relate to her as a person and a friend and not just as a daughter.  We've been so fortunate that we've been able to spend time together on multiple vacations over the past year, and we've had so much fun exploring the world.  From our time in Europe last winter to her visit to Charleston this spring to our family vacation in Disney World in the summer, I've treasured every minute that we can spend in the same place.

It is a terrible feeling to have a parent seem to be slipping away, whether emotionally or physically.  When mama was sick, there were absolutely times where I thought we were going to lose her--and I think my sister and I were actually sheltered from the worst of it.  Even once the cancer was gone, she was still so weak and had to recover from neurological and physical damage that left her an echo of her former self for quite some time.  That year of cancer diagnosis, treatment, and their repercussions changed us all.  

Breast cancer has gained a reputation of being something of a cupcake cancer.  It is fantastic that so many women catch it early--as was the case with my mom--and that it is very treatable, so subsequently, the survival rate is much higher than many other cancers.  But the heartbreaking fact is that many women, and men, do not survive and their diagnosis is a death sentence.  I always remember that, and never, ever take for granted the fact that we still have our Annie with us.

Each day I see things in myself that remind me of her.  I say things that, in turn, make me smile because it was such a "Mom" thing to say.  She taught me to laugh at myself and find the humor in any situation.  She taught me the importance of being thoughtful and considerate.  She taught me to always, always be exactly who I am instead of who other people want me to be.  She taught me to finish my dinner before I eat dessert--but to always eat dessert!  Those little pieces of her will always be with me.

I look forward to spending many more years with her in my life, and hope to someday soon learn from her in a new way as I embark on my own journey of motherhood.  I got incredibly lucky in this life when they were doling out parents.  I can say with certainty that without the guidance, wisdom, support and love of my mom and dad, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

Happy Birthday, Momsie!  I hope you have some sort of pink beverage in celebration!  I love you!

(PS Ladies, please don't forget to squish your boobies once a month--it only takes a minute to potentially save your life.  Worth it!)

Must See TV

I have such a blog block right now.  Maybe it's because the ONLY thing on my mind is BABYBABYBABY and I'm about as sick of writing about it as you probably are of reading about it.  But in this babyless world of mine, I've been investing a lot of time in the Fall television lineup.  With the way networks run new shows during the summer now, my DVR was never really lacking for fodder, but Fall has brought with it a veritable onslaught of entertainment options, and it's working overtime now.

Favorite New Shows

Terra Nova - Okay, sure, the family drama aspect of it can be a bit eye-rolly at times, but I LOVE the dinosaur part!  And I think if they can realize that we care way less about whether a snotty teenager is going to be grounded this weekend and more about the mysteries of Terra Nova, it has the potential to be really great.

Whitney - Colby and I spend most of our time watching this show, looking at each other and going "OH MY GOD, WERE THEY WATCHING US?!?"

The Secret Circle - It's like Vampire Diaries, but with witches.  What's not to love about that?  Plus it kind of reminds me of my adolescent love for The Craft.

Honorable Mentions - Pan Am (I'm sure I'll love it, I just haven't gotten around to actually watching it yet!), Up All Night (mostly funny, but I think it's still trying to hit its stride), 2 Broke Girls (I hate laugh tracks so much).

Still Watching and Loving

The Office - Last season I was ready to delete the series from my DVR, now it's back and better than ever.  I miss Michael Scott, but his character had run its course, and I'm loving the Andy Bernard, Manager storyline possibilities.  And Robert California slays me!

Glee - This is another show that I was only watching out of duty and honor.  I adored the first season, but the second was undeniably lackluster.  This season?  The bitch is BACK!  I would go so far as to say it's better than ever.  The episode Asian F was my favorite episode ever.  Thank you, new writers!  Thank you!

Community - So absurd, so funny.

Modern Family - Mitchell and Cam make this show for me.  They're another couple that Colby and I feel might have been based on our relationship--I mean, other than the part where they're gay men who have adopted a Vietnamese baby.

Vampire Diaries - It just gets better and better.  I love Ripper Stefan, and am totally Team Damon, so I'm very excited about the romantic possibilities for this season.

On Notice

Project Runway - Talk about watching a show out of a feeling of pure obligation.  I'm this far in, I feel like I should see it out through the end, but I honestly couldn't care less which designer wins and they're all TERRIBLE.  The producer intervention is painfully obvious, the talent level is mediocre at best, and the judges don't make a lick of sense anymore.  Depressing.

How I Met Your Mother - The conceit of this show has worn terribly thin.  It was such an original concept, and I'm still holding out to meet the damn mother, but I'm pretty much over every single storyline.  Robin grates on my nerves to the point where I want to throw things on the tv whenever she's on screen.  I'm so sick of the Ted-Robin-Barney triangle.  And even my beloved Marshall and Lily have been driving me up the wall lately.  Please make it end!

What are your new favorites?  Which old favorites are you sticking with?  Any old shows that you're discarding in favor of the freshman crop?

Infertility Information Overload

We met with our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) for the first time yesterday.  We were incredibly impressed with his knowledge and his level of detail while still explaining things to us in a way that we could understand.  We were also incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of information we came away with from our appointment.

Part of our meet n' greet was an internal ultrasound to check out the state of my Lovely Lady Lumps: Ovary Edition.  Let me tell you, there are few things in life more awkward than spreading your legs in a miniscule room with a doctor, a nurse, an intern, and your husband gazing at your reproductive organs rendered in fuzzy black and white.  Except for maybe the act of giving birth.  I'll consider this training.

Unfortunately, we came away from that experience with less than optimal news than what the doctor on base indicated when he said that my test results looked "good".  Our RE was only able to locate eight follicles, instead of the 10-20 that he explained most non-reproductively challenged women would have.  He thinks my reproductive organs might be a little farther along in the aging process than they should be, but he also pointed out that some of the follicles may have just been hidden by a cyst that was also present on one of my ovaries.  I'll do some more testing this month and we'll reassess when we get that information.

Colby will also repeat his testing to make sure he wasn't just having a bad day, and will visit a urologist at the end of this month to rule out any physical issues.  Despite what some anonymous commenters may believe, we do not find this embarrassing, shameful or in any way detrimental to his status as a man.  In fact, male factor infertility is the sole cause for 20% of couples facing infertility and a contributing cause to 30-40%.  I'll bet that seems like a pretty high number to you.  Know why you didn't know that?  Because no one talks about it.  Because they are worried about reactions just like ones we've faced.  

Ability to reproduce is not the measure of a man or woman, it is not a reflection of how good or frequent the sex is--as our doctor put it yesterday, it is simply an egg meeting the sperm through some sort of delivery system.  If you're fortunate enough to be one of those lucky people who has been able to conceive easily, please don't think that those of us who aren't so fortunate are somehow embarrassed or consider ourselves to be "less than" in any way.  We wouldn't be ashamed if our kidneys didn't function properly, or if our blood sugar didn't regulate properly, so why on earth would infertility be any different? /Tangent

We were also given two huge packets outlining our Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) and Invitro Fertilization (IVF) options, including how the procedure works and a breakdown of all the costs.  Tricare doesn't cover any treatment after a diagnosis of infertility, so with the exception of some monitoring costs which are covered, everything will be out of pocket.  Each round of IUI will cost in the neighborhood of $1200, and depending on which IVF package is chosen, it will cost anywhere from $11,000-20,000--neither of those numbers include meds which we would purchase separately and can cost from $200-400 for IUI and $2000-4000 for IVF.

Enter sticker shock.

So, that's where we are now.  Our doctor is confident that by the time Colby leaves for his deployment, we'll have a plan and will be ready to go ahead with either IUI or IVF when he returns home in the Spring.  Obviously, none of this is ideal.  We joke about it as a defense mechanism, because it is absolutely the most terrifying, heartbreaking, unfair situation we've ever faced.  We are overwhelmed, not only by all of the physical demands of these procedures, but also the staggering costs.  I find myself on the verge of tears throughout the day, any time I think about our options, hence the joking to make the scariness a little more bearable.

We were saying last night that our doctor had better include some kind of academic screening to only pick the smart sperm, because that kiddo is going to be spending any potential college funds just being conceived.  We're going to need some scholarship-level brainiacs.  Either that or a reality tv show.  What do you think:  Angela & Colby + Embryo.  That could work!

Past, Present, Future

I've been spending an awful lot more time lately traveling and recapping trips than keeping the old blawg up to date on my day to day life.  Posts have been a bit sparse because we've had a pretty busy time of it.  October is a huge transition month for us, with lots of good things leading up to the huuuuuge bummer that is Colby's next 120-day deployment.  We've been dreading it for ages--probably ever since we found out that it would be less than a year from his last return that he would leave again--so in a way, I think we're ready to just get it started so it will be over soon.
Last week, my fabulous friend, Jessica, and her recently aquired husband visited Charleston for a few days.  I crashed their romantic vacation a few times, making awkward Sister Wife jokes, and the highlight was certainly our dinner at the much buzzed about restaurant, Husk.  From being Bon Appetit's recently named #1 new restaurant in America, to Sam Sifton, the New York Times restaurant critic (and soon to be National Editor), calling it the best place to eat outside of New York City, Husk is possibly one of the most talked about restaurants in the country, and certainly in the South.  

From the website: At Husk there are some rules about what can go on the plate. “If it doesn’t come from the South, it’s not coming through the door,” says Brock, who has even stricken olive oil from the kitchen. As he explains, the resulting cuisine “is not about rediscovering Southern cooking, but exploring the reality of Southern food.”

And it was absolutely delicious.  I could have eaten an entire vat of the bacon and cheese grits, and my seared duck breast seemed to melt in my mouth.  Everyone else was thrilled with their meals as well, and given that the menu changes every day based on what is in season and locally available, I'm looking forward to seeing what the options will be at a different time of the year.  

Jessica and I also did some damage on the shops on King Street, and tried out the seafood at Coast restaurant.  Verdict: Decent food, TERRIBLE service.  It was so much fun to relive our memories of meeting in Ireland when we were just wee little college students, and it was great to get to know her husband better.

Once they left town, the weather shifted drastically, and Fall was upon us.  I've been enjoying my boots and new sweaters and plan to enjoy these cool temperatures for as long as they last.  I spent Saturday night drinking wine around a firepit with friends, and it was the perfect way to welcome in the new season.

Today, we're bracing ourselves for our first visit with a reproductive endocrinologist at a local fertility center.  I've been researching the doctors and the clinic success rates online, and I'm feeling incredibly hopeful about what we'll discuss today.  More on that later.

As for the rest of the month, we're heading to an LSU game in Tennessee on the 15th, then driving down to Louisiana to spend some time with Colby's family.  I'm looking forward to seeing the Tigers continue their incredible winning streak in Knoxville, and having someone to split the drive home with me!  But we'll leave it at that, because after we get back home comes the depressing part of the month, and right now I just want to focus on the good.