Here I Go Again On My Own

And just like that, Colby is gone.

This deployment has been hanging over our head for about 10 months now, and yet it still managed to totally sneak up and blindside me.  I thought I was handling it so well.  I've been bracing myself for what seems like ages and almost hoping that D-Day would just get here so we could get it underway, then yesterday rolled around and I spent the whole day feeling utterly sick.  In fact, I actually think I'm handling this deployment worse than any of the previous three.  

Maybe it's because this has been such an emotionally draining year, and I expected things to be so different when this deployment rolled around.  Maybe it's because the thought of going through all of the holidays alone and then handling January and February--already my least favorite part of the year--is such a depressing thought.  Maybe it's because as much as I look forward to Colby's return home, I am dreading the coming of spring and all of the financial, emotional and physical stress that we'll have to face in our journey toward parenthood.  But any way I justify it, I can't remember feeling this bleak in the face of ~120 days apart.

Our first deployment was when I was still living in Arkansas, so I wasn't able to go to the deployment drop off.  The second deployment, Colby was on something called an Advon team--a small group of the squadron who leaves a few days early to arrive at the deployed location and make sure everything is set up properly and ready for the transition--so I did go to drop him off.  However, there were only a few other families present and one of my fellow spouse friends was a maintenance officer so we were actually able to go out on the plane to say goodbye to our husbands thanks to her connections.  Then last year, I left for Japan the day before the deployment, so my mind was distracted from the initial few days of his absence.  So last night was the first time I went to drop Colby off at the terminal, Hollywood movie style, and it was dreadful.

We walked into that room and everything felt wrong.  The lights were too bright.  The faces were pinched.  What laughter we did hear sounded forced and too loud.  People were sitting or standing around in small clusters, some staring blankly ahead, some trying too hard to pretend everything was totally normal.  It was terrible.  We dragged all of Colby's bags in, then immediately escaped back outside to say our goodbyes.  I can't imagine how other spouses stay there for hours waiting for the blade to fall.

 I think we were both trying to put on a brave face, but even Colby seemed more shaken up by this deployment than by others.  I struggled to stay calm, but couldn't help a few tears sneaking out, then as soon as he was gone, the dam broke.  It actually felt amazing to just let myself sob like an infant for a little while, and when I got home I consoled myself with a night of junk food and Project Runway (although the outcome of that only made me sadder), and eventually got to sleep.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house to drink wine and eat junk food with some other girls, and I have dinner plans for Sunday.  I'm already counting down to my parents visiting in three weeks, and as much as we're pinching our pennies right now, I've worked a few trips out to visit friends into our budget and a nice long visit home for Christmas.  I know that I'll get through this, and we'll be that much stronger at the end of it.  I'm so, so incredibly proud of what Colby does, and cannot imagine my life any other way.  But oh... this just blows.

Comments

[Miriam]

I cannot even imagine. I'm sorry honey. I'm not the far away and am now on maternity leave so we could try to meet halfway sometime.?! (not sure which punctuation mark to end that on so I just decided to use 3 different ones)

[Molly]

Thank you for the sacrifice you have made/ are making for all of us!! Please know that I admire and appreciate you so much. I'm glad to hear you have friends (and family on the away) surrounding you!!!!

[Kristina]

Oh, Angela. I'm so sorry. Even though I know it doesn't make it any easier for you or Colby, please know that the sacrifices you're both making are so much appreciated here in my little corner of the world.

[Becky]

I will help you stay busy, busy, busy. Let the countdown begin.

[Becky]

I haven't yet commented but I had to today.... I hear you. We've only done two deployments, but the second where I was there to say goodbye and watch as those buses drove away? THE hardest. Its not a moment I'll forget. I'm glad you have some fun things planned, always helps to have something to look forward to..thinking of you.

[Thoughts Appear]

I'm sorry you're so shaken up by this deployment. You've got 1 less day to go now though.

[Abby]

I'm so sorry - my sister has gone through deployments before and I know how hard they are on spouses & family members. I'm thinking of you - and like Thoughts Appear said...every morning is one day less without him.

[Stevie]

I'm so sorry, Angela! {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

[katelin]

aw friend i just want to give you a big hug and a giant glass of wine. thinking of you so much.

[Caro]

Words don't seem nearly enough, but I admire your strength and love you lots. Big hugs being sent your way...

[Kate P]

I thought of you and Colby today and said a prayer for him and his squadron. I promise I'll keep it up (and add in everyone who's waiting for them).

[Solange]

So sorry! :( I can't imagine doing what you do. Keep yourself busy, enjoy time with friends and family and lovely junk food and T.V. :) You and Colby are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Melissa]

I am so sorry, Angela! So thankful for you that you have family coming soon & lots of trips planned! I can't imagine going through this & am thankful for couples like you that make these kinds of sacrifices. I pray it goes by very very quickly. Love & Hugs!

[Cat]

Sorry, girlfriend. Life without the person you love most is so hard. Hang in there, good for you for continuing to write!

Cat, aka PiG

[Deidre]

I'm so sorry. This must be so hard, I simply can't imagine! you're so brave! (and so is Colby.)

[erin - heart in ireland]

Big hugs - I'm thinking of you & Colby and the rest of the families. I'm sure it gets harder with each deployment, because you know what the ones before were like, but it sounds like you have a lot to keep you busy. Plus we need to figure out plans to meet up! I would love to do dinner sometime!