When Marriages Stop Being Polite and Start Getting Real

This is Kristina's incredibly wise, touching and amusing take on marriage.  What I've found most interesting about being married is the evolution of the relationship--how different feelings and emotions can ebb and flow, but beneath it all is a current of connection that has developed that wasn't yet present in the years that we were dating.  There are definitely times that it can be hard work, but we wouldn't have it any other way!

I am a relatively new reader here, so I am incredibly grateful that Angela is allowing me to post while she is on vacation!

My name is Kristina. I blog at Mommy Interrupted, where I chronicle my life as a working mom of two. I talk a lot about my kids, my husband, some tough things I've gone through in my life and a bunch of other randomosity. And because I absurdly believed that people would want to hear more about my life, I started another blog, Duplex Diaries, to chronicle mine and my husband's attempt to build a duplex and rent it out. I would love it if you dropped by!

My kids are 4 and 1 and I've noticed lately that the internet is awash with blog posts and parenting articles that claim they will tell you what it's really like to be pregnant, give birth, or be a parent. And a lot of the information contained therein is absolutely correct, but most of the time I giggle as I read them because HA HA. Becoming a parent is nothing you can prepare for. Now that I've had two kids, I feel like the only things I can say for sure about parenting is you just have to go with the flow, figure out what works for you and your family and enjoy every single second of it, because it’s amazing.

But for all the information out there about how many surprises a baby brings and how you can never prepare for how much it will change your life, I rarely hear anyone talking about how unexpected marriage can be.

I, like so many girls, had fairytale expectations for my marriage. I thought we would always be in love, we would rarely fight, we’d buy a house, have babies and live happily ever after. And a lot of that came true for me. I am lucky. My husband is an amazing man and an incredible father. But things have not been easy and I wish that someone, somewhere along the way had simply told me that sometimes, marriage was going to be just plain hard.

So, now that I have spent almost seven years with my frustrating, amazing husband, here is the list of what I wish people had told me about marriage.

You will fight. My parents never fought in front of me when I was young. I can count on one hand the number of times I witnessed them arguing when I was a kid. Which made for an idyllic childhood, but it wasn't very realistic (and I realize now, of course, that they did fight, they just never let us kids see it.) So I was rather surprised when Hubs and I got married and we fought. A lot. Or what seemed like a lot to me. We have said horrible things to each other. We have screamed and walked out on each other. I never envisioned I would have a three-day fight about a DVR of all things, but that has actually happened. Twice, if you want to know the real truth (I wish I was kidding). It's taken me even longer to accept the fact that it's normal, and even healthy to fight. You can't expect to spend a lifetime together and never disagree. At the very least, you have to fight just so you can make up.

You're going to annoy each other. A lot. Let's face it. You can't live with someone day in and day out without them becoming privy to all of your bad habits. Until we got married and moved in together, my husband never knew that I have ... trouble remembering to put things away in the bathroom. Hair spray, my straightner, make-up. What can I say? Those things like living on the counter. BUT! He, apparently, is incapable of watching TV with socks on so he takes them off and leaves them in the middle of the living room floor every single night. For SEVEN years. AND he doesn't close the shower curtain after his shower which makes it get all moldy and then I have to clean it and/or replace it and CLEARLY his habits are much worse than mine. Ahem.

Babies change things. A lot. Having our children added an amazing dimension to my marriage. It brought us closer together and watching Hubs play baseball with my son or dance in the kitchen with my daughter makes me melt. But babies are stressful. And it's hard to cooperate and work as a team when you're both sleep deprived, one of you is recovering from expelling a human being from your nether regions and all of this is playing out to the background noise of a screeching baby. Trust me, nothing tests your marriage like whisper-screaming at each other at 3 am. But it will get better and will eventually be able to spend time together as a couple again. And when that time comes, and our kids aren't demanding all of our attention all the time, we will wish for the days when they did.

Your idea of romance will change. I used to look forward to surprise flowers, romantic dates, and sweet words that made me melt. While those things are still great, and an awesome surprise if Hubs somehow manages to find the time to do those things, these days it takes something a little... different to get my attention. If he puts the dishes away, or takes over the bedtime routine, or even just catches my eye across the room as one of us is wrangling a diaper on someone's butt and the other is playing karate with someone else, it earns him extra brownie points.

Staying married is a choice. This is probably the biggest lesson I've had to learn since getting married. With the divorce rate skyrocketing and celebrity marriages popping up and falling apart every day, it's easy to think sometimes that marriage is expendable - that it either works out or it doesn't.

My little brother died in a car accident 5 1/2 years ago.  Hubs and I had been married for a year and a half. Everything changed that day. I wasn't the same person he married. I struggled with my grief and I was a pretty miserable person to live with for a while. I took my anger and fear out on him and there were days I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. But every single day since, Hubs and I have made a choice to stay together. We make a choice to work on our relationship, to get help when we need it and to not walk away when that seems like the easiest thing to do.

Marriage is hard work. But it's the most rewarding work I've ever done. Every struggle and every fight and every rolling of the eyes has made us stronger partners, parents, and individuals. I think I’ll keep him around.

But someone PLEASE tell me how I can get him to stop it with the freaking socks.

Comments

[Veronica]

I love this! :) Excellent advice Kristina!

[Solange]

This was great. People do tend to only highlight the happy parts of marriage and try to shy away from the "bad". I grew up with fighting parents that eventually divorced (thank God) and so did my hubby. We went into our marriage knowing that it's not all romance and fun and I'm pretty grateful for that. We've been married for 5 years and have had a really great time :) Whenever friends get married I make sure to tell them about the arguments and any other "downs" that can come up.
I have no idea how to fix the sock problem. Have you tried just telling him to put them away or leaving them there until they pile up and he gets the hint? Or put them on his pillow? The last thing you should do is put them away. They're not your socks :)Good luck!

[Julie]

"Trust me, nothing tests your marriage like whisper-screaming at each other at 3 am." This literally made me LOL! My husband and I are expecting our first baby in November, and this is the one aspect of it that I am dreading - the middle of the night arguing in a sleep deprived state. I know it will happen, but I'm not looking forward to it. :)

[Jennyfer]

Good luck with the socks thing. My man leaves his all over the place....and not just socks, all of his clothes!! I have found shirts in the living room on the couch, socks on the floor in every room and clothes right next to the laundry basket...seriously. I just go through the whole place on laundry day. If you find the answer please tell me!! This was a great post :)

[Melissa]

This was a fantastic post and OH SO TRUE! I love married life, we were warned about it a LOT & have been pleasantly surprised at how wonderful it is! That said, each thing you talked about (especially, ahem, #2) is so true! We don't have kids yet, so i enjoyed hearing your thoughts on how that will change things. :)

[Kristina]

Thanks for all the comments guys!

Veronica- Thank you!

Solange- Like I said, I grew up with no fighting and my husband grew up with ALL FIGHTING ALL THE TIME. So even now we argue b/c I say we fight too much and he thinks we hardly fight at all :)

Julie- Kids bring out the best and worst in a marriage. But the good thing is that most fights are overshadowed by sweet baby smiles, so it all works out in the end :) Congratulations and good luck!

Jennyfer- I will let you know how I figure it out -- but I'm liking Solange's suggestion of leaving them on his pillow :)

Melissa- That's awesome it's better than you expected!! I think that over-warning a new couple can put a sour taste in their mouth before it's necessary. :)

[Brittany]

Nice post. It is so true, I used to fall to pieces when we fought because we were in love and not supposed to fight. And now I'm just like whatever, it is just a fight :)

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Love this post, Kristina! Amazing advice and beautifully written. When you figure out the socks thing, let me know.

[Lynn]

HA. I refuse to do Hubby's laundry if it's not in the right place. And I throw it in the hallway so that he has to step around it. Mature? Absolutely not. Do I recommend it? Not really. Does it work? Sometimes.

Great post with excellent insight. Thanks for sharing!

[Kristina]

Brittany- I'm the same way. Now when we fight, I recognize that we'll move on from it and it probably won't matter a day from now!

Life- Thanks! Maybe ask Mr. D if there is some kind of DNA/genetic component to my husband's ridiculousness? :)

Lynn- I like your idea. A LOT.