In a shocking twist worthy of a Twilight Zone episode (IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!) Colby got a phone call mere moments after I published my last post telling him that he was being honored with yet one more week of living on base. (I know that "living on base" sounds kind of weird, but due to the nature of the mission, I really can't give any more information, just know he isn't living there because he snores a lot at night!)
We headed to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and while we were in the dog shampoo aisle, I spotted a new-fangled invention for grinding down dog nails rather than chomping them off with clippers. My psycho dog Jack is absolutely neurotic about his feet. He really doesn't like people touching them at all, and he absolutely hates having them groomed in any way. The vet once told us that they would have to put him to sleep (like, temporarily, not euthanasia) in order to trim his nails and the little feathery hairs between his foot pads. He's also INCREDIBLY STRONG. Between the two of us, we've got about 6 times his body weight, and he is still entirely capable of twisting free from our iron grips. And plus, we're pushovers and hate it when he cries. So, his nails quite frequently reach talon-like levels of danger, and it was long past time for something to be done.
I decided that obviously the new-fangled grindy tool would be absolutely perfect and Jack would totally love it. I have difficulty setting realistic expectations. So, the moment we got home, we headed out to the back porch black, fluffy dog in tow, and set about to beautify his claws. Jack immediately knew what we were up to and went into full fledged seizure activity, determined that we would not get our hands on his paws. We tried everything--flinging our bodies on top of his, holding all of his appendages, speaking soothing words, hollering our heads off--I swear, even Cesar Milan wouldn't be able to get near this animal's feet.
After about 45 minutes, we had managed to get one set of nails ground down to manageable levels, and we were all psychologically scarred for life. Jack was attempting to hide under an open shelf that offers absolutely no concealment, Colby's little bleeding heart was broken from the pain of repeatedly assaulting our dog, and I had run out of cookies with which to bribe him. We decided that one foot was good for one day and headed inside for a stiff drink.
I spent Friday afternoon and evening with Colby on base, then Saturday I had a baby shower and a footloose and fancy-free evening out with some of my girlfriends. The baby shower went a bit long, and when I got home I tried to spend some quality time with my beasts knowing that they'd be alone for another long chunk of time that night. Let me tell you, quality time with your animals is a challenge when it's hot as Hades outside and one of them has absolutely no interest in playing with toys. I fed them early, gave them plenty of outside time, then headed downtown for a little lowlevel debauchery.
A friend and I had decided to split a cab back to her house, and I spent the night there to sleep off the various wine and vodka-based imbibery that had occured over the course of the evening. I had every intention of waking up early to get home and rescue my dogs from their night of solitude, but then I didn't and made it home around eleven the next morning. They had been shockingly good, with the only mess I found being a bit of shredded tissue paper left over from the shower gift wrapping session.
But I once more spent a few hours of time with them (and admittedly more than a couple of those hours were spent with our eyes closed), and then left once again to visit Colby in prison--I mean, on base. They've been good so far, but I'm going to keep checking my internet history to ensure that they're not searching Craigslist or adoption sites for new people who actually live at home.
Will you be our mummy?
My cat hates having her claws cut so I was curious about the grinder. I guess I'll skip it.
Posted by: Thoughts Appear | June 13, 2011 at 04:41 PM
Oh...nail clipping. Why do dogs act like it's the most cruel and traumatic experience in the world? I would love some extra pedicures. I hope you can one day find a method that is agreeable for both you and Jack.
The nail grinder we tried on Cooper scared him. I think it was the noise that did it, since he's also terrified of the vacuum cleaner (also noisy, obviously.)
Posted by: Melissa | June 13, 2011 at 04:55 PM
Yeah, I don't think it lives up to the hype. We're planning to return ours.
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 13, 2011 at 04:56 PM
I think the noise was definitely a factor--also, it takes a lot longer to grind down a nail than to just chop it. Oh well, good idea in theory!
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 13, 2011 at 04:57 PM
I think it may just be easier to put him out for a bit then he'll awake to nice new nails. Hopefully without anymore trauma!
Posted by: Solange | June 13, 2011 at 05:52 PM
Our sheltie has a huge hatred for having his feet touched, too - our groomer has to freak him out by putting him on the grooming table (evidently heights make him catatonic?) to clip his nails.
Posted by: Abby | June 13, 2011 at 06:25 PM
Aw, those cuties don't know how good they have it. It was too hot last week to do ANYTHING but lie around (in pet world). Do they like running through the hose or the sprinkler to keep cool? I saw some posters at the vet that suggested freezing banana slices in water for pup-sicles.
I'm definitely crossing the grinder off my list. The vet did the nail clipping today as a courtesy (and probably self-defense). Otherwise, it's a two-person job for a cat. Ridiculous.
Posted by: Kate P | June 13, 2011 at 08:36 PM
If only it weren't so expensive! It really would be the easiest solution. Although I'd probably be paranoid about the anesthesia.
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 13, 2011 at 09:48 PM
Aww! I wish we could find something to make Jack catatonic, haha!
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 13, 2011 at 09:48 PM
Yeah, and it's showing no signs of cooling off! Sadly, they're both scared of the hose/sprinkler. I think it reminds them of bath time and they won't go anywhere near it! Frozen bananas are a really cute idea though.
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 13, 2011 at 09:49 PM
My cats are weird about their feet, too, but all three of them are small enough that I can still manage to hold them down when it is claw-trimming time. I should probably do that today, actually. Argh.
Posted by: Heidi | June 13, 2011 at 11:59 PM
Oh man, your dogs are super adorable!
I feel such guilt whenever I leave my pets for an extended period of time. I'm pretty sure guilt and love go hand-in-hand for me. It's my cross to bear, haha.
Posted by: Jen | June 14, 2011 at 03:30 AM
Good luck!! Hope you all come out of it unscarred ;)
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 14, 2011 at 03:54 PM
Hahahaha!!! Oh man, I totally understand what you're saying. Too funny!
Posted by: Angela Noelle | June 14, 2011 at 03:54 PM
We just bought a pet dremel to try on Teddy because he tried to bite the last person who did his nails. There's a long process to go through to get him used to the dremel, although I think we're ready to try in a few days. The hard part will be keeping my whacko anxiety in check.
Posted by: Jenn | June 15, 2011 at 01:30 PM