I Curse You Jeggings!

Oh dear.  A dreadful thing happened this weekend.

First, a bit of background.  Last summer, Lands End Canvas was selling a delightful pair of shorts with cheery white sailboats on a field of orange or navy blue.  Being that I'm a fun-loving gal, I decided to live on the wild side and go with the orange shorts.  Sadly, when they arrived, they were a size too large and had already sold out in the size smaller.  Loving the orange, but knowing I probably wouldn't get around to having them altered any time soon, I went ahead and ordered a blue pair in the smaller size, and happily wore them the rest of the summer.

Then winter came, and with its cooler temperatures, my torrid love affair with jeggings began.  I always swore that leggings and jeans were the most heinous combination imaginable.  But then I discovered a style at Old Navy that came complete with a button and zip fly, and a fabric bordering much more closely on denim territory than 1980s workout video spandex.  And so, I bought a pair in every color, and spent the wintry months ensconced in their stretchy embrace.

The season passed, and suddenly with little to no warning, the lowcountry was thrust unceremoniously into the grips of a steamy summer.  The heat is a welcome respite to this Southern girl, but with those balmy 80-90 degree days, I had to bid a heartwrenching farewell to my much beloved jegging and boot uniform of the winter.

This past weekend brought with it the perfect opportunity to break out my dapper little blue sailboat-bedecked shorts, as we were off to a Greek Fest, and I felt that my small salute to their national colors and boating influenced culture would be much appreciated.  So I dug through my drawer, slipped the shorts up above my knees, squeezed them past my thighs, and then... that's when it happened.  My very own Battle of One Very Specific Bulge.  Still, I persevered, and managed to shoehorn myself into the shorts and fasten the button.

I looked in the mirror, heady with the victory over winter and spring's many culinary delights, and was horrified not to find a slim 20-something winking back at me from that pane of torments, but instead my head and torso atop two sailboat encased sausages.

"But HOW can this BE!!!!" I cried, as I gnashed my teeth, rended my garments, and clawed at the button to release myself from this nautical prison.  Had I not worn the very same jeggings all the season long?  How could physics so fail me that I could go from feeling like a svelte Anthropologie model ready for a day of cultural experiences, to a mockery of a Cathy comic?  And that's when I realized how jeggings have taken their power and wielded it in the most dastardly of manners.  Using their 99% spandex 1% cotton composition to lure one into a false sense of body image security, then leaving us to our own devices once the less forgiving fabrics of our wardrobe come back to haunt us in the midst of the most skin-baring season of the year.

And so, I furiously jammed my little blue sailboats back into the drawer, and with great mortification, retrieved the orange pair from the bottom of the alterations bag, where they had patiently waited all year for me to come crawling back, greeting me with the distinct whiff of smug triumph as they slid easily over my own personal Ardennes.

I managed to drown my sorrows in a delicious gyro swimming in feta and tzaziki as well as a decadent baklava sundae, but today I'm turning over a new leaf... again.  I've retrieved my discarded Dukan diet book from it's hiding place where I cast it off while riding the high of a successful first week and careened into a week of dinners out and Goldfish crackers.  I'm determined to fit back into those damned shorts if it's the last thing I do--before returning to the seductive lure of the jeggings come Fall. Until then, I always did think orange might just be my color.

Comments

[Pink Herring]

Shameful as it is to have to slink off to formerly too-big shorts, they are super duper cute! And now you're getting your money's worth on those never-worn shorts :)

[Stevie]

Haha! This made me laugh out loud. But oh man, it's so true right? I've been wearing leggings almost daily since last fall and I'm sure I'll need to go on some crazy crash diet to fit into my summer wardrobe.

Those shorts are adorable, though. Love the orange.

[molly]

Haha I had to laugh! I have been wearing jeggings all winter too. I'm just going to go shopping for new summer stuff :)

[Jen]

I am sure you look great, missy!

But seriously, it really sucks to feel like your own clothes don't fit. Oof.

[Britni]

Haha, hilarious! I am in the same boat...pun intended ;-)

[Abby]

You look adorable! But yes, I have also felt the pain of going to try on something I wore last summer (swimsuits, in my case) and being truly horrified that parts of my bod look a little more...fleshy? Pudgy? Le sigh.

[The Incubatora]

Hahahaha! I loved this - you make me laugh so hard, little one:) There have been so many times through my many years that I have looked in the mirror and I could swear that parts of my mother were looking back at me -- of course, a much taller version!!! But I have seen you and you look wonderful, so take it easy because I don't want to have to carry you over my back through Disney -- we got lots of fine dining to do:)

[Solange]

Ugh. I hate not fitting into my clothes. So sad. But, at least you look super cute in the orange shorts! I love my jeggings too-there are still some cold-ish days where I can put them on, but for the most part those days are sadly over. I am sure I will be in your shoes very, very soon :(

[Old Warrior]

Just be glad you didn't opt for the Moo-Moo styles of Hawaii while you were there a couple of years ago.

Urban Dictionary: moo-moo
A rectangular cloth with crude stiching worn by morbidly obese persons.

[garden state prep]

I remember those shorts but by the time I stumbled across them they were all sold out of my size! I get more nervous in the summertime about weight gain because flouncy A-line skirts cover a multitude of warm weather indulgence.

[Heidi]

Those shorts are ridiculously cute, no matter what size they are.

[Kate P]

O.K., first of all, the Cathy reference cracked me up. Second of all, I support you! I have not gotten any of my summer clothes out yet (it's just starting to get warm in Philly) and I am SCARED. You are a good influence on me. Your goal is your shorts--my goal is a hot dress for my cousin's wedding in the fall.

[[email protected]]

haha! Love your sense of humor! You look great in the orange shorts! Oh and I noticed that you mentioned "lowcountry"...we live right outside of Savannah. I am loving the hotter temps :o)

I'm running way behind in stopping by to say thank you for linking up this week with Mil Spouse Weekly roundup! My hubby and I went out of town, so didnt get to do all my visits...

Please do come back any time... and in fact, do come back and leave a comment, if you hadnt on that post, for a chance at one of the flags drawn with the name of your choice. For linking up, you are entered for a chance, but for commenting it would give you another chance.

Blessings & Aloha!

[Fraulein N]

Ooh, I knew jeggings were evil! :-)