The Wait

From the very beginning, nothing in my relationship with Colby has gone according to any sort of "schedule" that I've tried to impose.  From the first few tentative months of dating but not dating, to the next difficult on and off years of maintaining a serious relationship long distance, I've always had to accept that my time line is simply out the window.  There were many times I thought it would never work out.  That things were ending or were over for good.  That as much as I saw a future with him, maybe it just wasn't meant to be.  But I should have had more faith, because here we are, almost nine years later, and things between us couldn't be better.

You'd think I would have learned something from that experience.

Deciding that we would have a baby was a no brainer.  We've both always known that we wanted to be parents someday.  When I was a little girl, I didn't dream of a high powered career, I dreamed of raising children.  So, it was never an "if" it was a "when".  And when we both confessed that we had suddenly found ourselves ready for that step so much earlier than we'd initially planned, it seemed meant to be.  Finally, something in our relationship that we were both ready for at the same time.  That held no drama or heartache as one or the other of us dreamed of a baby while the other held out for years longer.

And yet, here we are, 6 months later, and still we wait.  We wait and wait, and the waiting never gets any easier.

Today, we move into our seventh cycle of trying for a baby.  And I am having a really hard time maintaining any semblance of positivity.  I have learned how to pay very close attention to what my body is doing.  I spend the day, constantly staring at my chart, wondering where we are going wrong.  Our timing is perfect.  I eat and drink and take supplements all to enhance our chances of conceiving.  I exercise regularly.  We're young, healthy, vital people.  My cycles are on the short side, but regular, with a clear sign of ovulation.  We are doing everything in our power to make this baby happen, and nothing ever changes.

I can't help but ask, "Why?  Don't I deserve a baby just as much as anyone else?"

But what I am coming to realize is that babies aren't something that are "deserved".  Babies come to women who are not emotionally or physically ready for them.  They come to women who do not want them.  They come to teenagers or drug abusers or alcoholics.  Babies are not gifts for a life well lived.  The ability to create life is not a reward for making the right decisions and being a "good" person.  They are simply a scientific phenomenon in which sperm meets egg and life begins.  And that science pays no attention to a universal, purely human sense of what is right and just.

And yet, I still sit alone, wondering why it is that so many other women are given the responsibility of parenthood when it is not something that they asked for or even wanted, and why it is that two people who so desperately want and are prepared for that responsibility can't have it.  There is nothing fair about it.

There is nothing fair about life.  I know that full well.  What I do know is that I am lucky.  I am lucky that I have my health, and that I have loving and supportive family and friends.  I am lucky that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, leisure time, adorable dogs, a full life.

If only there were some guarantee, some assurance that some day, I will be able to conceive.  If that were the case, I could wait.  I could be patient.  It is the not knowing that wears me down day after day.  The elation when a month seems particularly promising followed by a despair that really can't be put into words when that promise turns into defeat.  The dreams of nursery decor, birthing plans, and tiny socks--all wiped away for yet another month.

I try to be strong, knowing how much worse it could be.  Knowing that there are others who have struggled with this for so much longer than I have and have so much more pain in their lives.  I remind myself, there is still time.  It could happen for you this month, or next.  Be happy for another month to drink wine and sleep in late.  Don't give up hope and don't blame yourself.

There is time.  There is so much time.  But the waiting.  Well, it's the hardest part.

Comments

[Pink Herring]

The waiting would be so much easier if there were some way to just know when it would be over. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not fair, you don't deserve it, and I sincerely hope that this is your last month of waiting.

[Emily Jane]

Oh my goodness, you have no idea how much I relate to this. D & I decided pretty much when we got married that we wanted to start trying, and it's been almost five months of coming off the pill and I still haven't started even ovulating again yet. It's so frustrating. I wrote a post just like this that is sitting in my drafts, because I was too scared to post it. There was a girl at work who came in the other day after having an abortion and I was so angry. She just threw away something I want so badly :( I don't understand why babies come to girls that don't want them, and people who really do have such a hard time. I wish it made sense. I wish I could help you somehow, but please know you're not alone...

[Abby]

I've had these same thoughts, myself -- why is it so unfair? But, then I hear a little voice in my head (that sounds suspiciously like my mother) telling me that life isn't fair. That doesn't help in the slightest, though. As you (and others) have said, it'd be so much easier knowing how long you were going to have to wait. Knowing that in the end, you're going to have a happy and healthy baby. I'm with you. You're not alone. (I'm also one of those girls that always knew she wanted to be a mom.)

[Karen]

The wait is extremely difficult. There is nothing more frustrating than being responsible and careful up until the time you decide you are ready for a baby, and then not having it happen right away. It took some time for our little guy to come into our lives. I remember many months of crying and the overwhelming feeling of disappoint. Just know that you're not alone, although I know it doesn't make the wait any easier. Thinking of you!

[Miriam]

Don't you wish it were just easy to forget about it all? To act as if it doesn't matter? When, it seriously, OMG matters and there is no way to not stress over it. And all you hear is people saying "Don't stress, it will all work itself out" and you try to believe it, but you don't. B/c it should be easy. There's no reason that two loving people with steady jobs and lives shouldn't be able to just look at each other and BAM be pregnant. I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but all I can do is say, "I hear you sister."

[Kaela]

I'm very sorry that you are going through all of this. You and Colby WILL be GREAT parents and your time will come. I'm so sorry that you are hurting, and you know that you have hundreds of friends that would do anything if it would help you finally be able to experience the joy of being a parent. You are NOT the only one that goes through this and it surely isn't your fault in any way. I don't know if either of you have gone to a doctor to check things out and make sure there isn't something that could be an issue that just needs to be resolved first, or if it is still too early to do that, but that is what my next step would be. Stay as positive as you are able, and know that everyone is cheering you on, and we all will be SOOOOOO excited for you when it finally happens!!! =)

[janet]

It is SO hard, but I am sending you hugs. xoxoxo

[Kendra]

((hugs)) The waiting is definitely hard. It took us a year of not preventing, six months of actual trying and I know for some it takes even longer. Even if you do everything "right", that sperm still has to end up with that egg. I hope it works out for you soon!!!

[Brittany]

Angela, I hate that you are going thru this. Mostly because I remember feeling exactly how you're feeling - you put it into words so well - and it was one of the darkest periods of my life. It literally ate at me for more than 6 months. The fact that others kept getting what I wanted and was "working" for was even worse. Especially when they were younger, more irresponsible, etc. To this day, it still makes me mad, and I have no logical explanation why.

Just know I'm here if you need me. I know we've never met, but I will come sit with you and talk pre-seed and conception and everything else under the sun if that's what you need. Because I have been there, and I totally get it.

[Chelsea]

I can toootally relate to this. Husband and I have actually started trying (SQUEE) - we're actually keeping it on the DL though. I haven't had a period since the beginning of February (TMI WOO) - so you can only imagine how many damn tests I've taken, all coming out negative. It's super killer. Best of luck to you - you have such a great attitude, I love it!

[Solange]

Sending you lots of hugs and praying that you get your dream very soon. I'm so sorry you're hurting and it IS unfair that those who don't want a baby seem to get them right away. Just keep doing what you're doing and try to stay positive. A friend of mine has said that stress/anxiety doesn't help your body relax the way it needs for conception. So, hard as it is just try to relax. Good luck! :)

[Kendra]

I feel your pain. The waiting is the worst part. Just know that you are doing all that you can do. If you need anything, I am just a phone call or email away. Love, hugs and kisses to you and Colby.

[RisibleGirl]

I'm thinking about you honey. <3

[Becky]

(((hugs))) Hang in there - I know EXACTLY how you feel. Any wait feels like forever when you know tons of people who got pregnant just by a casual high-five in the hallway with their husband. :)

[sophie]

Life is frustrating like that, isn't it? I hope you don't have to wait much longer, but I somehow think that "when" will be exactly the right time. Hugs and sperm+egg=baby vibes headed your way.

[katelin]

aw angela i can only imagine how hard the waiting is. i know when matt and i decide to have kids i'll have the most issues with waiting too. but i know when it does happen you and colby are going to be fabulous parents! sending all sorts of hugs and love and fabulousness your way.

[Becky]

Lots of love to an amazing couple!

[Molly]

While I'm not waiting for the same thing you are, I can certainly relate to your struggle. Waiting is a bitch.
On the bright side (just call me Susie Sunshine) think about all the growth that's happening while you wait. Think about all you're learning and think about how much more precious and amazing your joy will be when your wait is finally over.

And have fun "trying!" (was that creepy and over the line?)

[Jen]

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, Angela! You're going to be a great mom someday. Waiting and wondering must be ridiculously difficult (I can only imagine!) but I know the end result will be wonderful.

[dlb]

Hi, I just started following your blog today! I hope you don't mind, but I quoted the paragraph with "Babies are not gifts for a life well lived" in my blog post today (I also linked it for credit). That was such a deep paragraph, and it was EXACTLY what I needed to see today. I'm so sorry that you're struggling and feeling sad. DH and I have been at this for a bit over a year, and I wish I could say that it gets easier but it never does. Allow yourself to go through your feelings, and surround yourself with those who will love you and understand just how difficult and painful this is. Much luck to you.

[A Super Girl]

When you're not so positive, you have us to be positive for you! It will happen, some way, some how. I know that no matter what, if you and Colby want to be parents, you will be parents. You will!

[Brittany E.]

My heart hurts for you, and I can't even begin to imagine how that might feel. Its like you spend your whole life trying to prevent pregnancy, and then you find that its just not happening. And then it seems that everyone around is getting pregnant. I wish the best for you, and I hope to hope in a few months you will be sharing the good news with us,

[Sara]

My heart goes out to you guys. What you said about that babies are not "deserved" is so true and it makes my head spin that people who want a child more than anything can't, or have hard time trying to conceive, but people who don't want a child will give it up or not care or love the child like someone else would. It's not fair. We aren't trying yet and I hope when the time comes that we will we will be able to without too much stress.

I look forward to the day you can tell us a little bun is in the oven but until then please try to not stress because I've heard that can be a problem for couples too. ::hugs::

[Kate P]

Sorry for how rough it's going. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Amy I.]

Hey friend. Stopping by to tell you that I followed your lead and am taking a break too. I fell apart yesterday and am pretty sure a break is going to be the only thing that can heal me. Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and hope all is well :)

[AnonymousG]

HugsHugsHUGS