National Infertility Awareness Week

I know this blog is teetering dangerously close to being all empty uterus all the time, but I have always written about my life in the moment with very little censorship, and this is happens to be the central issue in my world at this point.  I also feel very strongly that the tabboos associated with trying to conceive are increcibly antiquated and am on a personal mission to break through those bonds of silence that so many women who have difficulty conceiving place upon themselves.  April 24 through April 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I wanted to take this opportunity to talk openly about many of the stereotypes and stigmas associated with conceiving. 

I want to clarify that I have not received a diagnosis of infertility and I hope very much that I never will.  We have been trying to get pregnant for seven cycles--six with perfect timing--and a woman is only diagnosed with infertility after she has been actively trying with good timing for 12 months or 12 cycles.  So, there is a very good chance that I will never have to go through the emotional hearbreak that a woman with the diagnosis of infertility will go through.  However, I read an article on Parents.com, "7 Myths About Infertility", and I felt that it easily could have been retitled "7 Myths about Conception".  You can read about all seven myths on the website, and I encourage you to do so, but I want to talk about the few that hit home the hardest to me.

Myth 1:  It's easy for most women to get pregnant.

I confess that I personally believed this before trying to conceive.  I had a niggling sense of worry, but I honestly believed that after a month of trying, I would be pregnant.  It is unfortunate that women are so poorly educated about their reproductive system and how absolutely miraculous it is that all of the necessary occurences take place for an egg to become fertilized, implant in the womb and develop into a healthy fetus.  I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: A healthy couple, under 35 years of age, with NO medical issues and perfect timing has only a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle.  Twenty percent!

We all think of the women in our circles who became pregnant immediately, or even on accident, but the sad fact is that women who do have trouble conceiving often don't discuss their struggles, keeping it a secret even from their immediate family and closest friends.  Maybe if we all became more educated about reproduction, a little more sensitive to how to react when a friend or family member does share their struggle, women wouldn't feel as though they were trapped alone with a dirty secret.

Myth 3: Infertility is a psychological--not physical--problem.

I suspect that if you were to take a poll of women who have spent 6 months or more trying to get pregnant, they would pretty unanimously agree that the absolute most ignorant, insensitive response they have received when they've discussed difficulty conceiving is to "just relax".  It is absolutely infuriating, because it places the responsibility for conception squarely on the woman's shoulders, implying that a level of stress (that is certainly unavoidable when you are having difficulty conceiving) is the factor keeping that woman from becoming pregnant.

Yes, it is true that high levels of stress or illness can delay ovulation as the body involuntarily works to protect the egg and release it in only the optimal environment.  However, if a woman has educated herself on her body, confirms ovulation through charting or medical monitoring, understands her cycles and recognizes that ovulation is not the problem, then frankly stress or worry has little to do with conception.  Indicating that the woman can do anything about whether the egg fertilizes and implants is incredibly hurtful and unrealistic.

We all know that person who has been trying to get pregnant for ages, then went on vacation and voila!  Baby!  But I can pretty much guarantee you it had nothing to do with the level of relaxation and much more to do with increased sex, good timing, and just finally hitting that 20% chance of success.  I've been on multiple vacations with Colby in the past six months.  What does that tell you?

Myth 4: Couples who "work" hard enough at having a baby, will eventually get pregnant.

Personally, this assumption comes in only second to "just relax" in the level of annoyance it sparks in me.  If people knew just how hard we've worked at having a baby, they probably would think we've gone beyond the pale.  I use ovulation prediction kits, I confirm ovulation and track my luteal phase through charting (checking my Basal Body Temperature and yes, my cervical mucus), I've researched the optimal positions, I've tried drinking green tea, pomegranate juice, I take a prenatal vitamin, multiple supplements, think positive thoughts.  If it came down to hard work, we would be pregnant six times over at this point.  Probably with triplets.

Unfortunately, particularly to a goal oriented person like me, that's just not the way conception works.  All I can do is work to make my body a healthy, supportive environment for any fertilized eggs that want to come my way, and hope for the best.  Everything I do is only upping my chances of having that perfect moment, and even then I'll still have only a 20% chance of all of the factors aligning and resulting in two lines on a pregnancy test.  So please, not that I think you would, but never imply or think "Maybe if you worked a little harder" or joke that "You just must not be doing it right!".

I think the best advice I can give anyone is to never assume that your own experiences are indicative of anyone else's experience.  If you became pregnant easily, don't assume it's the same for everyone.  If you struggled to conceive or dealt/deal with infertility, don't hold it against others who do become pregnant.  The greatest piece of advice I ever received, when having a difficult moment after discovering that another friend had become pregnant while we still tried and tried, was to remember that there is not a quota of babies that come into this world.  When someone else gets pregnant she is not taking my baby away from me.  It's not reducing my chances of becoming pregnant.  And she may well have had her share of struggles getting there as well.  

My baby is still somewhere in my future, and whatever path life takes me down will lead me there.  Whether my child comes from my body or from China, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will become a mother some day.  And that is NOT a myth.

Comments

[Julie]

Great post Angela! Lots of good info...I was also so surprised to find out just how little I had actually been taught about reproduction and how, seriously, it is insane that even one baby gets conceived with everything that has to go right at just the right time.

I felt so misled when I finally found out that "it only takes one time" was more of a scare tactic than actual truth. What they should say is, "it might only take one time, if you have perfect timing and no issues and the stars align."

That being said, thankfully we were very lucky and didn't have trouble conceiving, but from all my reading to learn about TTC, I became aware of just how many couples do have a harder time. And how, there is no single reason, or no single fix, for everyone.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and Colby that you'll get your heart's desire soon! :) I'm rooting for you!

[Solange]

I really hope it happens for you guys soon! There are many insensitive things that people say but I think it's because they don't really know what to say.

[Abby]

I'm going to echo what Julie said here: "I felt so misled when I finally found out that "it only takes one time" was more of a scare tactic than actual truth. What they should say is, "it might only take one time, if you have perfect timing and no issues and the stars align." THAT. That's exactly how I felt about the whole thing.

Also, I've never thought about a "baby quota" before - that's something that I'm going to have to keep in mind. Great post, as usual!

[The Incubator]

Having lived through various issues and levels of uncomfortableness for those people who have been around me, and vice versa, I have come to realize that there is not a tutorial for anyone with appropriate responses when faced with tender subjects. What might seem to be a kind/easing statement for one person could be the insult of the year for another. When we are the one in the middle of the situation, our radar is unfortunately set at a tad different level. Anyway, I think most people are truly trying to be supportive when faced with any difficult subject; it is just, quite frankly, difficult. Your educational information has made me feel even more blessed to have been given two wonderful gifts, and I pray that you will be given the same blessing when the time is just perfect for you and Colby. You are such a wonderful couple, I know that whatever God has in store for you is full of richness and wonder.

[Emilyjane]

This was an INCREDIBLE post, absolutely my favourite read today. I think you read my post about our similar struggles and so many of these myths are indeed infuriating. I want to punch the next person who tells me to "just relax"!! I'm much like you - trying regularly, taking prenatal vitamins and supplements, using ovulation predictors... and nothing. I wish I'd been more educated before we started trying, and I would've gtone off birth control FAR sooner...

[Kate P]

This sounds really tough! I had no idea where the official line was on calling it infertility. Well, you and the other couples I know (and even some I don't know) who are trying to have a baby are in my prayers. I don't know what the frustration is like. . . I hope you don't mind that I thought of insensitive things people say to single people and that helped me relate.

[Molly]

What a beautifully written, heartfelt post. Thank you for continuing to share your journey and for honestly and openly discussing something that affects so, so many women (& men!! you know how I mean that, right?).

A Foreign Land

[Angela Noelle]

Thank you so much, Julie. And I'm so happy for you :)

[Angela Noelle]

You're absolutely right. I hope what people learn is that usually advice isn't what people need when they're going through a tough time. Just love and support.

[Angela Noelle]

Hugs to you, Abby. It'll happen for us, I know it will!

[Angela Noelle]

Love you :)

[Angela Noelle]

Thank you, Emily, that is such an amazing compliment! It truly does mean the world to me. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I hope that we both get very exciting news soon!

[Angela Noelle]

I think that's a great correlation--it's another one of those sensitive subjects that for some reason people feel the need to judge you for or try to "fix" for you. "Just stop looking, and someone will come along!" Ugh. People are just ridiculous.

[Angela Noelle]

Yes, Molly, exactly! That was actually another one of the myths, about infertility always being the women's fault, when often it does have something to do with the man. They also go through the sadness of being unable to have a child, and I think that's often overlooked. Great point, and thanks :)

[Becky]

All excellent points!

One of my biggest pet peeves is when my friends say "We got pregnant the first month trying!" Then, after a few simple questions about what kind of birth control they were using before "trying" the answer always seems to be, um, nothing.

I'm sorry, but saying you got pregnant the first month "trying" when you hadn't been preventing pregnancy for a year is just not true! Why is this something to brag about? Do people realize how much it hurts those who are trying to conceive by putting out that myth?

Ugh, sorry - my own personal soap box there. :)

Thinking of you!

[Thoughts Appear]

20%? Wow, I thought it was 50% for someone 35.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[Pink Herring]

When we started seriously considering having a baby and I started reading about it, I was appalled by how little I knew and how many misconceptions had been drilled into my head about fertility and infertility.

I hope it happens for you guys soon!

[Jen]

Thank you for sharing this part of you (and the infertility/conception info) with the rest of us! You're going to be such a great mom.

Love this line you wrote:

"Whether my child comes from my body or from China..."

Love it!

[Glam-O-Mommy]

I love your post and am glad you are busting infertility/conception myths. I will be praying for you and Colby, that your dream of becoming parents comes true soon!

I battled infertility for almost two years before the right combination of drugs (Clomid and estrogen) and treatment (IUI) finally helped me realize my dream of becoming a mom. It was the hardest time in my entire life, but it has also been the source of my biggest blessing-my daughter. I have two things I just want to share here that I learned along the way, just on the off chance that it might help someone. Take this information or leave it!

The first is that those ovulation predictor kits aren't particularly reliable. I was using a fairly expensive kind that showed a happy face if you were ovulating. I got the happy face EVERY MONTH a few months in a row. Three months later when I did a blood test at my doctor's to check if I was ovulating, I was at a 2--you have to be 14 or above to be ovulating, meaning I NEVER ovulated. When I asked my doctor how this could be, as I got the damn happy face every month on the predictor kit (and had a period every month like clockwork?!), he informed me that ovulation predictor kits are maybe 40 percent reliable at best. So I wasted a lot of money on those I wish I could have back.

Also, the older you get, the less time you should wait before having things checked out. If you are in your 20s, absolutely try for a year because you have time. I got married at 31 and went off the pill at 33 with my doctor's knowledge that I was trying to get pregnant. He advised me not to wait a year (because I was approaching advanced maternal age-EEK)-if we didn't get pregnant after six months of trying, come in to get some things checked out. We did, and discovered that not only did I not ovulate, but that my husband had a low sperm count, probably caused by a basic infection. One course of antibiotics for him later and at least things were improved on his side. Mine took a lot more work! So for anyone in their 30s, I wouldn't wait as long as that year standard.

Sorry for the long post!

[ashley]

Great post! The topic of infertility has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm only 20, and my husband and I are not ready to start a family, but I recently had surgery to have an ovarian cyst removed and found out that I most likely have endometriosis, which often causes infertility. In my post-anesthesia stage I remember her saying, "but we will focus on that when you are ready to have children." Seeing yours and other bloggers posts about infertility week have pushed me to find out what I can do now for the future. Thanks!

[Dana K]

Great post. My sister & one of my closest friends (and his wife) have dealt with infertility. It was an emotional and oftentimes difficult road but both became parents in the end.