Impending Death Is Not Acute Enough

Oh, internet.

I'm sorry to do this to you, but Colby's not around right now, and I have managed to completely freak myself out via Google, WebMD, and scores of illiterate postings to pregnancy forums.

So, I mentioned that I've been really, REALLY tired since I got home from Japan.  At first I thought I was just having trouble adjusting from the jet lag, but then the exhaustion persisted and I started thinking thyroid disorder or iron deficiency.

Then I started getting fatter, and I have a little belly pooch where there has never been any poochage before.  This without having changed my diet extraordinarily, making an 8 pound weight gain in two months more than a little perplexing.

I mean, the obvious reaction from the internet as well as everyone else in the world is OMG, you're pregnant!  Even Colby last night hesitantly made that suggestion.

I've been laughing it off, but secretly in my crazy brain, I've sort of come to that conclusion myself, against all odds.  I have taken FOUR pregnancy tests.  And they're all negative.  And I've had a fairly normal cycle if ya catch my drift.  I mean, it's just not likely is what I'm saying.

But then yesterday, I got horrible cramps.  I woke up this morning and (fair warning to anyone squeamish or of the male persuasion) there was some SERIOUS bleeding going on downtown.  I kept an eye out for anything clot-like (Sorry.  Gross.  I know.) but so far it's just been like someone cut an artery in my lady business.

I was stupid enough to spend the morning googling 2-month baby bumps and miscarriages, and upon formally diagnosing myself with the former as well as the latter, I called to make a doctor's appointment.  But then, I chickened out at the last minute.  I mean, come on, FOUR NEGATIVE PREGNANCY TESTS, three cycles since the last time conception could have been physically possible.

I'm not saying it's completely out of the realm of possibility that I had the Immaculate Conception v. 2.0, but I think we can all agree it's pretty unlikely.

So, I told the appointment line that I was having very heavy bleeding and had been feeling weak and tired for the past month or so, and the earliest they can get me in is Thursday afternoon.  If only I'd broken my finger, I could see a doctor today!

I'm trying to remind myself how well playing doctor for myself has worked out in the past.  (Reminder:  Not well.  You know, because I'm NOT A DOCTOR.)  But yeah, I'm still kind of freaking out over here.  And then there's the riveting mental battle between OH GOD I'M DYING and complete awareness of how overly dramatic I'm being.  I think the bottom line is that I've just watched way too many episodes of Glee.  Hysterical pregnancy!  Eff yeah!!

Still, the thought of getting off the couch right now is enough to make me want to faint in a decidedly Victorian manner, so I think I'm just going to lay here with the vapors for a bit longer and wait for death.  Or wait until I'm hungry enough to get up and make something to eat.

Comments

[Same Sweet Girl]

Awww!! I know how you feel. Every month it seems something happens that I google and start freaking out about. Of course I have no idea what it could be...but thyroid does make you gain weight...also hormone imbalances will cause all of that including heavy bleeding. Hopefully when you go in they will check your thyroid and hormone levels. Good luck and let us know what happens!!!!

[Jenn]

Ugh! I hope that they can get you fixed up and that it's nothing serious. :(

(I have also been consulting Dr. Google...I've been having breakthrough bleeding on the NuvaRing for the past 2 months (and this month? It's almost constant. HOORAY.) and I'm also convinced that I'm dying, despite actually going to a real live doctor and being assured that it's from the NuvaRing.)

[A Super Girl]

Yuck! I hope you get an answer :-(

[Natalia]

Oh no fun, sorry! Hope everything works out OK :-(

[Julie]

Sucks! I'll keep my fingers crossed that they get a cancellation earlier and call you on in to get checked out. In the meantime, I say, embrace the couch. :)

[Risiblegirl]

Honey, I failed ALL of my pee tests with both boys and still had my period with Cameron until five months. I didn't go to the doctor until I was five months along because I didn't believe I could possibly be pregnant (Oh, I was also on the pill). Cameron is proof positive that drinking lots of caffiene and taking every medicine under the sun won't create a baby with three heads. I'll be watching your posts..

[Chelsea]

Dude. I Google every single damn symptom I have. Pregnancy symptoms are always fun - especially when you read all the stories that are JUST like you and they DO end up being pregnant.

Gosh. Good luck with all that.

[Caro]

I hope you feel better and find out what's going on quickly! In the meantime, lots of hugs are being sent your way!!

[Freckle on the Nose of Life's Complexion]

Gah! Waiting is the worst! I hope by Thursday you're feeling much better!

[Jessica]

Oh no! I hate waiting and worrying that entire time what is wrong. And WebMD definitely doesn't help. Hope you feel better!

[Nicole]

Stay away from WebMD and Dr. Google... they are bad bad news and they only assist in the spiral into ridiculousness. Take it easy, go get checked out on Thurs (go, it's a good thing for your mind), and don't panic too much. Hugs from Oregon!

[Heidi Renée]

Has this sort of thing (the being tired issue) ever happened to you during a deployment before? Maybe it's stress-induced. Hang in there, go to the doctor, and don't feel bad about living on the couch. :)

[Kaela]

If you were on birth contol pills before and now you are not, that could cause a number of those symptoms. I've had the WORST cycles of my life since getting off BC a couple months ago. Hopefully you are just pregnant, or your hormones are off. I'm sure it's not a huge deal, but go to the Dr. to just make sure for your sanity. Oh, and make sure you are taking pregnancy tests at the right time of the day (I think AM- but what would I know, I haven't been pregnant in a while, and I took mine at night and they were both positive). And PS, the pregnancy tests at the dollar store are just as accurate as the $15 ones at the drug store. Just sayin.

[Raina]

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[Kelsey]

Medical scares? The worst!

I found you through military spouses and am SO happy I did. I love your blog and candid style of writing.

I hope that the doctor is able to tell you that you were just over reacting, meaning everything is A-OK. Feel better soon!