An Unexpected Twist

It's a strange feeling to take a pregnancy test knowing that you're going to cry regardless of the outcome.  There's some reassurance in the knowledge that at least one result will allow you to drink an entire bottle of wine by yourself, on the sofa, while watching the final episode of The Hills (which you stopped watched years ago, but were relentlessly sucked back into during an epic weekend marathon on MTV).

Colby and I decided a few months ago that when he gets home from his deployment in November, we're going to start trying for our own tiny human.  I mean, someone's going to have to foot the bill for the nursing home in 50 years.  At first, it was supposed to be this big secret, but I've heard him tell about nine hundred people, so whatever, I'm telling the internet now.  It was a decision at which we both arrived with a surprising amount of ease and accord as we agreed, when we got married, that we would wait until Colby's next (as in after the current) assignment to even start thinking about kids.

Then all of our fertile myrtle friends started having the cutest damn babies, and when I saw him making goo goo eyes at one of the toddlers in our circle of friends (yes, some of my closest friends are toddlers), I knew it was all over.  Then my biological clock exploded in a mass of cogs and springs.  Still, I had absolutely no desire to be pregnant for my first time while Colby spent 4 months deployed to the mouth of Hell, and we had already made big plans for a Mediterranean cruise this winter, so we decided to wait until post-deployment to start trying.

It makes sense for a lot of reasons.  Use your imagination.

Fast-forward to late June: Colby deploys, I go to Japan, and suddenly my lady cycle goes batshit insane.  Then for the past few days I've experienced a near constant state of nausea, splitting headaches, utter exhaustion, and most of my nights are spent waking up every couple of hours to pee.  If that doesn't sound like textbook pregnant lady, I don't know what does.  Except I know it's not possible.  Except, seriously, what the hell?

Enter EPT.

I really didn't want a positive result.  That's what I kept telling myself--keep telling myself.  The timing would be beyond awful.  I'm still not completely resigned to this whole pregnancy experience.  How on earth would I find an obnoxiously cute way to tell Colby I'm knocked up when he's thousands of miles away?  Oh God, I don't want to get fat.

And yet...

Still, it was negative.  I have a couple more tests I could take, but I feel pretty confident in the result.  And I feel sad.  Which is stupid, because I really honestly don't want to be pregnant right now.

And yet...

Guess I'll go find that corkscrew now.

Comments

[Jass]

OMG Angela! I am so excited for you and Colby!! And I'm sorry about your negative result. But as you said it wouldn't have been fun being pregnant for 4 months and no husband there to hold your purse while you go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. ;)

[Miriam]

I feel the same way about getting pregnant. I have a time line...it's not here yet and so help my husband if we get pregnant before the specific date in mind.

I realize that makes me sound selfish and I realize that my reluctance now may make come back to bite me in the ass if it turns out to be difficult to get pregnant.

Plus, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that it is now totally acceptable for me to be pregnant...weird.

[Kateastrophe]

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but if one more person had announced they were pregnant this week I might have had to run away to a deserted island. Just saying. So I'm sort of relieved, but also sad for you.

How well I know that pit of your stomach "I'm gonna cry no matter what" feeling. Oh how well.

Just think how much fun taking a pregnancy test will be when you know the reaction will be tears of joy! I'm so looking forward to that day.

Enjoy that wine! I had many, many times this last two weeks where I wished I could just down one!

xoxo

[Kaley]

This was such a great post! I think you pretty much nailed the feeling that most women go through at this point - the sometimes wanting to get pregnant, and the sometimes definitely hellno NOT wanting to pregnant. (Ya, the fat part totally sucks.) I'm excited for you that you're on the verge, though. And those symptoms are totally textbook. Hmm...maybe you should take another test? Have you yet? What else would those crazy signs be pointing to????

[Kristie Carline]

I love reading your posts!!!:) This was especially great and though I am not married, I can sort of relate. I feel my biological clock quickly tick-tocking away; and often have a BIT of jealousy when another friend calls to say they're pregnant. Yet, like you, I still want my nights of wine and Sex & the City re-runs without the interruption of a screaming "tiny human" in the background. :) one day, one day...until then, i hope you enjoy the anticipation of the planning:) You and colby will have beautiful, smart, charming babies one day soon! :--) Take care girl! And get to the doc...i hope your funny symptoms subside and you feel better soon! :(

[operation pink herring]

This was a lovely post. The last time I took a pregnancy test (I convince myself I'm pregnant a few times a year, even though we are not "trying") I felt similarly sad. And I allllmost cried. Even though the whole two minutes I was waiting for that stupid stick to process, I was thinking "please, God, no no no no".

[katelin]

as others have said and because it's one of my favorite adjectives, this was a lovely post. and seriously a great way to express how difficult it is to want a baby and not at the same time. i mean i'm not quite there yet but at the same time i love playing with other people's babies and aw. i hope that the next test you take is positive and after your cruise! :)

[Kate P]

"At first, it was supposed to be this big secret, but I've heard him tell about nine hundred people, so whatever, I'm telling the internet now." LOL! You guys are too cute.

My friend the marriage counselor likes to say there's never a perfect time to have a baby, and nobody's ever really ready. . . and I know you miss Colby a lot and that doesn't help. A day at a time.

[Shannon]

Totally understand where you're coming from. I hope things work out for you. When the timing is right it'll happen!

[Jessica]

Aww honey, I hear you on the feelings of not wanting it to happen and then gauging your reaction when you know the truth. Timing is everything and when it is for you both, it'll happen. Pass the glass, I'll share that bottle with you.

[A Super Girl]

I just have to say -- I loved this post! So fun and light.

On to the serious stuff -- I think maybe I can imagine the bittersweet feeling. I wonder if this particular life change is one of those things we never are "ready" for, though deep down we really, really want it.

It'll come. And I can't wait to read about the results!

[Same Sweet Girl]

Isn't it so funny how when you think you might be pregnant and you've convinced yourself that you are...even when you don't want to be pregnant, you are disappointed by the negative result?! I've moved past that part of my life and am on to the hoping for positives but I can't get them. Life sure does take strange turns sometimes huh??

[Julie]

Wow..I feel you on this! Just last night the fiance and I were riding out bikes and he said how freaked out he is that he might be 40 by the time we have our first (he's 38 right now, I'm 32.) We are planning to get married in March, and start trying right away after that. He all of a sudden wants to do it sooner rather than later, and although I want nothing more than to have kids...gulp. NOW? I mean..I've got debt to pay off! I've got weight to lose! We've only just started planning our (albeit small and casual) wedding! (BUT...if I did take a preg test and it came back positive, I know I would be thrilled at the end of the day.)

You said it very well. And it makes total sense to me. :)

[Heidi Renée]

Oh pregnancy. I don't think there's anything more anticipated, and so dreaded at the same time. I'm still firmly in the "not pregnant, just fat" column, and that's fine with me for now. Well, not the fat part, but you know...

[Becky aka StinkyLemsky]

How exciting! I remember how much I wanted to re-start my blog when my hubby and I started trying and tell the world! (I'm glad I didn't because my family reads my blog and it took us 6 months to conceive which is nothing, but it felt like a long time!). :)

If you're interested in tips... I really recommend checking out the 'Trying to Get Pregnant' board on the Nest and using Fertility Friend to start tracking your ovulation now (especially if your cycle is wonky). I wished I would have done that before we started trying until waiting until afterwards.

GOOD LUCK! :)

[Lynn]

Wow, HOW did I miss this post?! I didn't realize that you two were going to start trying ... have fun! And yeah, the fat sucks, but it DOES go away, kind of.

Yay babies!