Timing is everything these days. Two weeks left in our house. Less than a month left in Washington. One month until we visit our families for the holidays. A month and a half until we close on our new house. And that's just the moving related timing.
Lately I've been starting to think very hard about the future. As my life is currently scheduled out, I will take the next term off of school to deal with the move. I was hoping to return to class in January, but because I get a reduced military tuition, I have to take off the entire term, meaning I won't return until March. That will put me finishing classes at the end of August, and *hopefully* beginning my 16-week student teaching period from September through December of next year.
At which point I will begin looking for an actual teaching job. In a county that just laid off all of its first-year teachers and is now hiring back RIF-ed teachers and those laid off first year teachers before even looking at any outside applicants. In a county that is not even currently in need of substitute teachers.
If I am *lucky* I'll be able to find a teaching job for the 2011/2012 school year. At which point I will be just months away from turning twenty-nine.
And let me let you in on a little secret. I've been thinking a lot about babies lately. And I don't think I'm the only one in my household whose mind has edged a little closer to that track. Am I ready to start popping out infants the moment we get to Charleston? No. But am I thinking it's a little unlikely that I'll actually want to hold out another 4 years or so until we're settled into our next assignment? Yes.
Another factoid that is less than a secret is that I have no desire to be a working mother. I place absolutely no judgment on those who ARE working mothers, and in fact I appreciate their decision at least in part for the fact that it's currently keeping me in a job. But I've worked in daycares off and on for my whole life. They can be really wonderful environments for a child, but that's just not how I want my child raised. We're lucky enough that Colby's job could support a family independently, so it is my hope that I can be home with our children.
But are we seeing how the time lines are starting to get a little mangled at this point? If I finish school and start teaching in the fall of 2011, that's right around the time that I'm starting to think I may want to get pregnant. And so I sit here wondering, have I just thrown away all of this money on my education? Is it the right thing to continue spending thousands of dollars on a Masters degree that, it is beginning to look highly likely at this point, I'll never get to use?
I honestly don't know what to do. There's a big part of me that feels completely disappointed in myself. Why did I wait so long to pursue my teaching dreams? Why can't I be a more modern gal and be okay with the idea of working and raising a family? If I don't stay in school, what the hell am I going to do with myself for the next few years until I actually manufacture a child? Am I just being a giant quitter? I have no idea.
I've got just over three months to figure this out, and if the speed at which the past three months have flown by is any indication, that is no time at all. Maybe it's time to pull out that Magic 8 Ball?
You are not a quiter. I admire you for going back to school to further your education...something I did not do because time got away from me. BUT, (and it's a big BUT)...if you have the means to be a stay-at-home mom, you cannot beat that. As one who would LOVE to stay home and raise the wee ones but who can not financial swing it, I admire you even more for being able to do so. Much love....it will all work out for you as it should.
Posted by: Cuz'n Kendra | November 17, 2009 at 08:35 PM
Don't get discouraged... when your little one/s grown/s up and you need something to do, a masters degree could be beneficial. Also, if you are ever in need of money you can tutor from home or get a job that works with your kid's schedule (once they start school).
Posted by: Chessa | November 17, 2009 at 11:56 PM
Do not get discouraged and be down on yourself. Things and everything works out for a reason and you are not a quitter either. There is a lot of change coming up soon and it's okay to second guess yourself but don't.
Posted by: Jessica | November 18, 2009 at 03:57 AM
Quotes from famous Americans:
"Don't worry, be happy!" - Bobby McFerrin
"You can't always get what you wa-a-n't" - Mick Jagger
"New house, new baby!" - Auntie Dindo (New house was in Choctaw, Ok. New baby was Angela Noelle)
Posted by: Old Warrior | November 18, 2009 at 05:09 AM
I think this is kind of like buying new pants for the weight you want to be instead of the weight you are. You have to keep living your life for what it is right now, right? And planning for the future does make sense, but getting your Master's degree has been part of planning that future, too. Sigh. I wish I could be a bit more wise... like yoda. Maybe if I said things with all kinds of misplaced participles or whatever it is that he does I'd sound more wise. ;)
Posted by: Brittany | November 18, 2009 at 05:16 AM
Wow! I would be overwhelmed too if I had all those thoughts in my head. When I'm in that state, I simply try to take things one step at a time. You'll never regret having more education... regardless of what your future holds.
Posted by: Sheila | November 18, 2009 at 05:10 PM
Hey Ang- You're definitely not a quiter for deciding to be a stay at home mom... and it's understandable to feel pressure given the fact that our lives can run on timelines. I like what people said above, life is to be lived- and plans can be made, but whatever choice you make it's the right choice for you. I sometimes wonder what I would chose to do- stay at home or work and be a mom. I think that the task is so daunting to me that I am in denial that I might ever have to make that decision. SO in denial infact that I am pretty much holding the party line that I am not having kids. ;)
Posted by: Nicole | November 19, 2009 at 06:43 AM
may not help, but i find myself in a very similar position. i finished my master's of ed back in june and i have been looking for a job in the chicago public schools ever since. they are in shambles (the school board president just committed suicide, which is a good sign dontcha think?).
so i too have started to consider the fact that i want to have babies relatively soon and maybe i should just do it now since i can't seem to get a teaching job anyway...
but education is NEVER a waste!
and besides, life is what happens when you're not paying attention, right? so you have to do something to distract yourself in the between times and let life take its course
Posted by: meg | November 20, 2009 at 06:50 AM
Just remember...life is what happens while you are making plans! Just do the next right thing in front of you and everything will work out.
Posted by: Gina | December 16, 2009 at 04:03 PM