You like how I patted myself on the back there for blogging more frequently, then promptly fell off the radar for the rest of the week? Yeah, that was great. I've been consciously making the decision not to blog, because honestly the only thing I want to write about right now is just how restless and apathetic about life I've been feeling lately. And it seems of late, every time someone dares blog about something making them unhappy trolls have come out of the woodwork to lambast them for daring to not be happy about everything in their perfect lives, and quite frankly, I just feel too fragile for trolls right now. But then I was all, "Angela, this is YOUR blog and if someone doesn't want to read your little epistle of unhappiness, they are free to navigate away to cutepuppies dot com."
So basically, I've just felt like a huge old lump of grump for the past couple of weeks. I've been picking fights with Colby at home, I've been ridiculously sensitive and defensive about just about anything anyone says to me, and my tolerance for nonsense at school has been dangerously low. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that today will be better, then I really make a concerted effort to be more positive until around midmorning when I reach the end of my rope.
I don't know precisely what my problem is. One can really only blame so much on that much dreaded time of month, and the excuse wears a little thin when it is used every day of the month. When I try to put my finger on exactly what is upsetting me, it just makes me feel utterly ridiculous. Por ejemplo, Things That Are Currently Bumming me Out:
1) I am not going to Italy next month. Or anywhere glamorous and European for that matter. We're getting closer and closer to the one year point of when Colby and I left for our honeymoon last year, and I've been torturing myself by reading through my posts leading up to and after the trip. I know, I'm a twit, some people never get to leave the country, and I'm bemoaning the fact that I have to go more than a year between trips abroad. But still, every time I broach the topic of my dreams of a trip to France next summer, Colby all but laughs in my face. In the interim, he's jetting off to Korea, Italy, and Germany, while I'm stuck in Washington, explaining once more to 9-year-olds exactly why it is not okay to use the term "cracker" in a derogatory manner.
2) I'm sick of winter, I'm a little over Washington, and I just want to know what our future holds so that we can stop stressing about the what ifs and start making a plan. We've turned in our updated dream location list for Colby's next assignment, we have a pretty strong feeling that we'll end up at one of our top two choices--either Charleston or a base about an hour outside of San Francisco. That's all well and good, but with the real estate market in its current state of gloom and doom, those two options provide us with two very different paths down which we'll travel depending on where we're assigned. And of course there's always the threat of ending up in Alaska or middle of nowhere Oklahoma. And please don't tell me that Alaska is actually quite beautiful. I don't want beautiful. I want warm. And not Oklahoma.
3) I really do enjoy what I do. For the most part, I think the kids I work with are pretty great, and we just had a talent show on Wednesday night, that oh my God, had me in stitches the kids were so damn cute. But there are are 3-5 kids (depending on the day) that absolutely make me want to rip my hair out. It is amazing to me how just a couple of disrespectful, physically and emotionally aggressive children can really ruin what should be a great day. And every day it's a different thing. A fight. Name calling. Lying. Sidebar lessons on what sex is while I'm talking about Dr. Seuss's birthday. I know this is no different from what I'll experience as a teacher, but it really is exhausting and I feel that in a daycare setting, children are allowed to get away with more than they would in a more structured school setting. I find parenting other people's kids exhausting, and it's frustrating that they all seem to operate under the delusion that their little angels couldn't possibly be the problem.
4) I've been feeling a little bit taken for granted by Colby lately. Not in a huge way, just in the little things, I don't necessarily feel that what I do is important and that somehow I've become a little bit of the Lucy to his Ricky. I know I probably bring this upon myself in the way that I make jokes out of things that I'm really serious about. Like, I constantly make jokes about wanting a third dog. I joke about wanting to plan that trip abroad next summer. I don't come across as really serious about my desires and I often make jokes about my job, so it's to be expected that maybe he would do the same. But the other night, after repeated reminders about the talent show at school, Colby completely and utterly forgot to show up. I'd been talking about it for weeks, and it just wasn't on his radar at all, even though he'd participated in the conversations with me. I was incredibly hurt and angry, and I think it was sort of a culmination of all those feelings I've been having for a while now. I'm okay with making light of situations, but I don't want to be the foil in the relationship. There is probably a whole blog for another day, exploring this further, but basically, these feelings had been seething for a while and that was just the final straw for me.
Anyway, the sun is shining today, I've got two hours of America's Next Top Model to watch before I go back to work, it's Friday and I think we're actually going to do something fun this weekend instead of sitting around the house doing homework. I'm hopeful that next week will be better, and if not, maybe I'll just write about it as it comes instead of saving everything up for another ten page long missive on why I'm still not feeling like rainbows and starshine.
I am feeling somewhat blue today too....but first let me give you a BIG HUG and let you know I hear you loud and clear....we are used to traveling more frequently and due to losing the majority of our retirement in the market we're curtailing a lot of our extracaricular fun....I'm sorry you feel taken for granted and that Colby didn't attentd the talent show....that had to hurt...but know that he wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt you...it not being on his radar is probably nothing more then not knowing how truly important it was to you and perhaps being overwhelmed with his work. All I can say is communicate how you're feeling and try to be more serious about some of the things you joke about and he will pick on on the neccessity to do the same. Marriage is always unjulating with goods,bads and in-betweens..hang in there!
Posted by: PrincessExtraordinaire | March 06, 2009 at 08:19 PM
So I have this theory about crappy February. I think February is the Tuesday of the months. It's cold and bleak and dark and wet and nowhere close to the middle of anything. The exciting newness of January has worn off, resolutions are, for the most part, broken and blah old February hits and then sort of ruins the beginning of March because, hi, you've been STUCK IN FEBRUARY.
I also have a theory that in the middle of March, everything seems to look up and get much happier . .. so just wait for it, darling. It will come.
Posted by: Kateastrophe | March 06, 2009 at 08:24 PM
There are a million reasons for feeling the way you do, and all of them are perfectly valid. February is a crappy month, and I can only imagine what it must be like in a state that gets so very little sunshine as it is -- you've probably got a little Seasonal Affective Disorder on top of all the other things going on.
I sincerely hope you two get out this weekend and have some FUN. Doesn't matter what you do -- just go out, spend money, soak up the outside, and enjoy each other's company.
(And check back in with us next week and tell us how you're doing!)
Posted by: wordnerd | March 06, 2009 at 08:36 PM
i have to say, I agree with kateastrophe about February being just a bad month in general. I've been feeling about the same as you lately, and can't pull myself out of it. Work seems to suck more every day, and wanting to strangle dear darling hubby the minute I get home every day doesn't help. At this point I'm majorly relying on my trip back to LA to cheer me up--come on Baton Rouge, don't let me down! I hope your tri to Tony's wedding has the same effect on you. Plus we'll get to see each other, so there's the bright spot. Meantime, deep breaths...
Posted by: shani | March 06, 2009 at 09:26 PM
First of all, let me agree with katastrophe. Don't underestimate the winter blues, especially in Seattle. People may discount it along with the "it's that time of the month" excuse, but I can tell you for certain that I have about 90% more bad mood, no-good-can-happen days in February than I do in June.
Secondly, if misery loves company then let me just pull up a chair and pour you a glass of wine. Or tequila. These past few weeks have been brutal and I sort of want to cry. WHEN WILL IT END?
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | March 06, 2009 at 09:30 PM
I can TOTALLY relate with your situation... I STILL don't know if I got the job I've been interviewing for (they said they 'hoped' to get back to me by this weekend - well, I doubt I'll hear anything now that it's 2:40 on a Friday!), and I'm sick of not knowing whether I'll be working at a desk or waiting tables four weeks from now!
However, PioneerWoman lives in Oklahoma, so you could be BFFs if you had to move there....
:) Hang in there!
Becky
Posted by: Becky aka StinkyLemsky | March 06, 2009 at 09:39 PM
My husband is in the military, too. He's been away from home for a month waiting for his new orders. Nothing's guaranteed, but it's looking like we'll be sent to Buttcrack, California. The one place we didn't want to go. So I get to drive literally coast to coast... with three angry cats. I also constantly get the feeling that my husband doesn't think my job is very important... even though I have a sweet work from home situation that I can keep no matter where we go. Ugh. Is it April yet?
Posted by: Heidi Renée | March 07, 2009 at 02:29 AM
That was a key thing you said: "I find parenting other people's kids exhausting." I don't know how you do it!
Food for thought--for anybody who is part of a couple--my friend is a marriage counselor and years ago he said to me that there are two kinds of giving in love: self-giving and for-giving (forgiving). I don't know what made me want to say that right now, but there you have it.
Hang in there--Spring is on its way.
Posted by: Kate P | March 07, 2009 at 04:43 AM
Aww, I'm sorry you're feeling so blue, Ang. You know, you may be experiencing seasonal affective disorder--being in Washington, I wouldn't be surprised. This may not be the BEST advice . . . but a trip to the tanning bed may be in order. I would make regular trips during the Indiana winters, and I always felt LOADS better after being toasty for 10 minutes.
As for Colby, sigh, just tell him that it needs to be bigger ;-)
Posted by: LK | March 07, 2009 at 06:02 AM
Wow. Did you give up booze for Lent as well? 'Cause life is always a scoach better at the bottom of the bottle. Unless your an alcoholic. Otherwise, drink up.
Posted by: Jay | March 07, 2009 at 07:34 PM
Yeah. My detailer tried to convince me to go to Oklahoma...
Hope you get your first choice!
And hang in there. It probably is seasonal.
Posted by: Mandy | March 08, 2009 at 10:01 AM
Honestly, when people blog about the things that are getting them down, it makes me feel more normal -- I'm not the only one that feels these things, even if there's regret and/or a clear head afterward.
Sorry to hear about the kids causing you all that grief. I don't think I could be a teacher for that very reason, and I think kids get away with far more, even in school, than they did 20 years ago.
Your two dream vacations sound wonderful. My mom lives between Charleston and Savannah and the area is really pretty -- I love historic Charleston and you'd love shopping on King Street :)
Even though I've been laid off, I can't help but troll the travel sites and torture myself with all of these travel discounts. It kills me that I can't go anywhere, when I've finally built up the vacation time and the rates are so much lower than the past few years.
Posted by: Becky | March 08, 2009 at 05:30 PM
And, I made all kinds of vows to blog every day and now have not since Friday myself. Oh well. We do our best, right? Actually, right now I'd really rather get back into blog reading again--I've missed hearing what was going on in the lives of blog friends like you. I hope things get better soon--I certainly get where you are and also the state of mind you have about feeling dismissed with Colby. Been there...and it's a very touchy subject for me too. I think it is less that it is true for our guys and more that they just don't "get it." Maybe the testosterone clouds their brains? (wink)
Posted by: Steph. | March 09, 2009 at 05:18 AM
Hey Ang, oh boy do I hear you. A few days ago about anything set me off and I couldn't really explain it. Maybe it's the month, maybe it's just impatience, not sure really, but getting some extra sleep this weekend did help a lot. And so did the excercise. Have you taken a walk lately? It really helps clear up your mind a lot.
Hugs! And I hope you get to travel soon. I am so jealous of your travels even if they were a year ago. :) I miss Europe so much, I think about it almost everynight! It will be a year for me in April. Ugh.
P.S. I miss you on facebook!
Posted by: Jass | March 09, 2009 at 02:48 PM
two words: heart you. am going to send you an email tonight!
Posted by: Melissa | March 09, 2009 at 06:29 PM