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February 11, 2009



I think it mostly depends on the people involved (but it can usually be linked to 1 person specifically), and then somewhat on the relationship. I have a similar story, I was married (what was I thinking) to someone who was so jealous he didn't even like me hanging out with my FEMALE friends, let alone a guy (awfully hard when you're in the military). Miserable. My current relationship is the complete opposite, much like you and Colby now :) Its wonderful!


Zoykes. Breaking out the big questions for a Tuesday night, aren't you?

I kind of feel like jealousy is like profanity. Use either as a crutch too much and people think of you as obnoxious and possibly stupid. On the other hand, if it's not a normal part of your vocabulary, if and when you do break it out, people do pay attention.

No situation's ever the same, and most of the time jealously is unnecessary. It's annoying that intuition can be so inaccurate sometimes.


Jealousy to a measure is fine in a relationship and is needed in fact if you care about ur partner. But beyond the limits, it is indicative that the partner has no love. If you love someone you'll let them free. You wouldn't want to interfere with their freedom.


Jealously is a totally NORMAL human emotion. If you don't feel jealous sometimes then are you really even feeling? Yeah it sucks to be on either end of the jealousy spectrum but it happens. I think that jealously CAN be intuitive but I definitely don't think it always is. I think more likely, jealousy is an indicator that something that has happened externally has triggered an internal 'reminder' feeling. Everyday, without even knowing it, we are constantly reminded of feelings we had in similar situations in the past. So, you seeing Colby talking to a girl, you might notice something in his body language that reminds you of the way his body language is with you...or the way it was with this other girl at some point. That reminder may trigger a jealous feeling that is NOT based in reality. It's basically called projection in the therapy world. You project your feelings of insecurity onto Colby or whoever else it may be. The main point being that the feeling of jealously is not based in reality, its based in a PAST reality. Of course, sometimes a girl just knows when something ain't right! Sorry for my rant!


Jealousy is innate - it's how we control it (or it us) that really defines what it becomes. I believe everyone is jealous to a degree. I used to be a horribly jealous of everything when I was in high school and now that I am almost 40 and married my jealousy is hardly there. I do, however, know that my jealousy depended a lot on who I was with and how they also behaved with regard to jealousy.

Ang, this post is all kinds of wonderful.

Well-written, really interesting, and insightful, to boot!

Okay, as far as your question - I think my jealousy has USUALLY been completely spot on. We had some rocky spots in our relationship with, ahem, a certain someone not setting appropriate boundaries with girls.

Things are a million times better now, and I'm really never jealous. (Of other girls. Let's not talk about my jealousy as far as other girls' bodies, clothes, jobs, and lives. It's not pretty.)


I think it really depends on the people involved. Like you, I had a pretty horrible ex who, after we broke up, completely tore me apart. Long story, but basically he got back together with his ex who he talked shit about for our entire relationship. My jealousy radar was always wary of her. I was right.

With my boy now, jealousy doesn't play out. He's not the jealous type, and I trust him completely. Sometimes, jealousy/wariness from my past relationship will pop up, and we will laugh about it after he tells me I'm doing that.

So, I don't really know. I think if you keep it in check, you're OK?


There's a big difference in being crazy jealous and calling out inappropriate behavior when boundaries are crossed. It's hard b/c I think that there are a lot of manipulative women out there and putting them back in their place is not jealousy, in my opinion (can you tell I've been there?). I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone should have to put up with another person flirting and/or hitting on their signficant other -- it's rude and disrespectful. But just having a conversation or studying is a different matter.

I think it pretty normal to feel jealous of your significant other, your friends, your peers -- but it's how you react to it that makes the difference. If it motivates you to do something good for yourself that you were hesitant to do, then it's a good thing. If it turns you into your Evil Ex, not a good thing.


I agree with Becky. It's a messy subject, but I think it's important to stay rational and react appropriately.


I agree with everyone that it changes based on circumstances and who's involved.
To me, jealousy is more wanting what someone else has which is hard to pin down with a person. I dated my husband long distance and was fine with him having female friends..except for one person. I don't know if that's jealousy or just knowing something is wrong about the way they treat each other. Maybe it's more about trust than anything else.


I think the real issue behind jealousy is TRUST and trustworthiness. In a relationship, both people need to trust each other. They also need to both be trustworthy. If either of those is missing from either person, problems are bound to happen.


Great post. I won't lie, I'm a jealous person, but I agree that trust is a huge part of a relationship. If you're crazy jealous, there has to be some trust issues behind it.


I think you're being way too nice about this. The Ex sounds like a massive tool who knows nothing about how to treat a woman. His current wife most likely has no self-awareness, or spends a lot of time eating pie in a locked closet.


I think there's a big different between being a jealous person and a possessive person. As a lot of people have already commented, jealousy is a normal emotion that we all experience at some point in our life. And for very different reasons. And in all honesty, if my boyfriend wasn't slightly jealous sometimes (not all the times), I think I'd question how much he cared. However, when jealousy turns into vindiction and possessiveness, that's when it's beyond normal, in my opinion.

As far as people go... I had a jealous/possessive boyfriend at the same time in my life that you did. Potentially people are more likely to be extremely jealous when they are going through certain things in their life. I seem to know a lot of friends who in their late teens/early twenties had really possessive and jealous boyfriends or where kinda possessive and jealous themselves, but who are fine now or dating/married to perfectly good men!


Wow, what a post. It's hard to know what the right answers to any of those questions are, isn't it? (There are, however, plenty of wrong answers, as your Evil Ex so graciously pointed out).

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