I'm sure by now, pretty much everyone who has turned on the television, listened to the radio, surfed the internet, or read a newspaper has heard about the pre-Grammy's activities in which singers Chris Brown and Rihanna were involved. For those not in the know, the two have been dating for quite some time, and on the eve of the Grammy's, the two apparently got into some sort of altercation that ended with Brown allegedly beating Rihanna pretty seriously, but neither has released an official statement, so the details are all hazy at this point.
What has piqued my curiosity about this story, more that most celebrity gossip stories, is that the reason witnesses and friends have given for the violent outburst from Brown was that Rihanna was angry with him for flirting at the party they'd attended together and the fight snowballed from there, ending with her in the hospital and Brown turning himself in on domestic violence charges. Jealousy. Even celebrities aren't immune. And jealousy and I have a long and complicated past with one another--one that I'm still working through to this day.
When I was a freshman in college, I got involved in my first "serious" relationship--if you've been around the blog long enough, you may remember me mentioning Evil Ex and if you know me in real life, you couldn't possibly mistake to whom I am referring. I trusted him completely, mostly because I was too dumb/naive to do otherwise. He pushed the relationship along at warp speed, dropping the "L" bomb about a month into the relationship, and I was completely swept off my feet. However, after a couple of months, things started changing. If I had plans with friends he wanted to know who they were, where I was going, when I would be back. Once he'd met all of my friends, he was contantly criticizing them, and he would always manage to find a way to convince me to blow them off and stay at home with him.
When we went out he would harp on my makeup or the clothes I was wearing, and if I so much as spoke to another guy, even if it was a mutual friend of ours, he'd become angry and moody. At the time, I thought this was normal, that this is just how relationships were. You started dating someone and they became your life. I remember that I brought a male study partner who was an old high school friend to Ex's apartment once, as we were all but living together officially at the time, and when he came home and found us reviewing biology terms together, he was furious. He was icily rude to my study partner and as soon as we were alone, he exploded, yelling and telling me that I had disrespected him and so on and so forth. I will say, he never laid a hand on me, but he knew the exact words to use to cut me to the quick. And of course, if you know me, you know that I'm not the meekest, mildest girl in the world, so I would give back as good as I got.
After about a year together I had virtually no friends left, all of my days and nights were spent either at school or with Ex, and my self-image was completely destroyed. I probably weighed 110-115 pounds at the time, but he had pointed out my saddlebags, buddha belly, and flat chest enough that I saw myself as a hideous cow. I had completely stopped trying, wearing no makeup, doing nothing with my hair, and dressed in jeans and t-shirts every day. Even though we did nothing but engage in epic arguments, he had somehow managed to make me feel completely dependent on him and that he was the only person in the world who really wanted me in his life, and I had convinced myself that that was love. All because of his jealousies and insecurites.
Another thing that had changed about me was my own personal jealousies. I had never been jealous of any boyfriend in the past, but he taught me to be mistrustful, and when he began spending more and more time with a female friend of ours, my radar went crazy. Only thing is, my radar was right on target and shortly after it was over between us.
It was like an atom bomb had been dropped on my life. God bless my friends, because they were all still there waiting for me and I credit some of them, together with my family, for quite literally saving my life. The aftermath was that bad. But still, I had zero self esteem and I didn't know what lesson to take away from what had happened. Another person's jealousies and insecurities had almost completely destroyed me, but then all of my own jealousies were entirely founded.
Then, years later, it happened again with Colby. I met one of his female friends at one of his military training programs, and immediately, those exact same alarm bells went off in my head. Colby told me I was being completely ridiculous, but sure enough, when the February rolled around that he decided to break things off with me, he immediately turned to her and they dated briefly. I'd been telling him for years that she was after him, and he'd almost convinced me that I was crazy, but then once again, my jealousies were validated
Now, I should say that Colby did eventually see the error of his ways, and I was able to forgive his temporary lapse in judgment, and from the moment that we mended fences and got back together, I have not felt a single smidgen of jealousy, so that's all kinds of awesome. And I also should put in a disclaimer here saying that Ex seems very happy now with the woman he began dating and then married after we broke up, and it is distinctly possible that he treats her like a queen and I just brought out the worst in him, so you know, everything has a way of working out in the end. I suppose.
But I'd like to put it to you, since my life experiences have done nothing but confuse the issue. What is your opinion? Is jealousy always completely unacceptable and a tendency toward it a major character flaw, or is it just your intuition's way of telling you something is really wrong and attention should be paid? Or does it really just depend on the situation and the people involved?
I think it mostly depends on the people involved (but it can usually be linked to 1 person specifically), and then somewhat on the relationship. I have a similar story, I was married (what was I thinking) to someone who was so jealous he didn't even like me hanging out with my FEMALE friends, let alone a guy (awfully hard when you're in the military). Miserable. My current relationship is the complete opposite, much like you and Colby now :) Its wonderful!
Posted by: Katie | February 11, 2009 at 05:25 AM
Zoykes. Breaking out the big questions for a Tuesday night, aren't you?
I kind of feel like jealousy is like profanity. Use either as a crutch too much and people think of you as obnoxious and possibly stupid. On the other hand, if it's not a normal part of your vocabulary, if and when you do break it out, people do pay attention.
No situation's ever the same, and most of the time jealously is unnecessary. It's annoying that intuition can be so inaccurate sometimes.
Posted by: Cat | February 11, 2009 at 05:37 AM
Jealousy to a measure is fine in a relationship and is needed in fact if you care about ur partner. But beyond the limits, it is indicative that the partner has no love. If you love someone you'll let them free. You wouldn't want to interfere with their freedom.
Posted by: Vinita | February 11, 2009 at 07:29 AM
Jealously is a totally NORMAL human emotion. If you don't feel jealous sometimes then are you really even feeling? Yeah it sucks to be on either end of the jealousy spectrum but it happens. I think that jealously CAN be intuitive but I definitely don't think it always is. I think more likely, jealousy is an indicator that something that has happened externally has triggered an internal 'reminder' feeling. Everyday, without even knowing it, we are constantly reminded of feelings we had in similar situations in the past. So, you seeing Colby talking to a girl, you might notice something in his body language that reminds you of the way his body language is with you...or the way it was with this other girl at some point. That reminder may trigger a jealous feeling that is NOT based in reality. It's basically called projection in the therapy world. You project your feelings of insecurity onto Colby or whoever else it may be. The main point being that the feeling of jealously is not based in reality, its based in a PAST reality. Of course, sometimes a girl just knows when something ain't right! Sorry for my rant!
Posted by: Angela | February 11, 2009 at 07:41 AM
Jealousy is innate - it's how we control it (or it us) that really defines what it becomes. I believe everyone is jealous to a degree. I used to be a horribly jealous of everything when I was in high school and now that I am almost 40 and married my jealousy is hardly there. I do, however, know that my jealousy depended a lot on who I was with and how they also behaved with regard to jealousy.
Posted by: PrincessExtraordinaire | February 11, 2009 at 03:14 PM
Ang, this post is all kinds of wonderful.
Well-written, really interesting, and insightful, to boot!
Okay, as far as your question - I think my jealousy has USUALLY been completely spot on. We had some rocky spots in our relationship with, ahem, a certain someone not setting appropriate boundaries with girls.
Things are a million times better now, and I'm really never jealous. (Of other girls. Let's not talk about my jealousy as far as other girls' bodies, clothes, jobs, and lives. It's not pretty.)
Posted by: ashley.star | February 11, 2009 at 03:34 PM
I think it really depends on the people involved. Like you, I had a pretty horrible ex who, after we broke up, completely tore me apart. Long story, but basically he got back together with his ex who he talked shit about for our entire relationship. My jealousy radar was always wary of her. I was right.
With my boy now, jealousy doesn't play out. He's not the jealous type, and I trust him completely. Sometimes, jealousy/wariness from my past relationship will pop up, and we will laugh about it after he tells me I'm doing that.
So, I don't really know. I think if you keep it in check, you're OK?
Posted by: E.P. | February 11, 2009 at 05:08 PM
There's a big difference in being crazy jealous and calling out inappropriate behavior when boundaries are crossed. It's hard b/c I think that there are a lot of manipulative women out there and putting them back in their place is not jealousy, in my opinion (can you tell I've been there?). I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone should have to put up with another person flirting and/or hitting on their signficant other -- it's rude and disrespectful. But just having a conversation or studying is a different matter.
I think it pretty normal to feel jealous of your significant other, your friends, your peers -- but it's how you react to it that makes the difference. If it motivates you to do something good for yourself that you were hesitant to do, then it's a good thing. If it turns you into your Evil Ex, not a good thing.
Posted by: Becky | February 11, 2009 at 06:45 PM
I agree with Becky. It's a messy subject, but I think it's important to stay rational and react appropriately.
Posted by: Jass | February 11, 2009 at 07:41 PM
I agree with everyone that it changes based on circumstances and who's involved.
To me, jealousy is more wanting what someone else has which is hard to pin down with a person. I dated my husband long distance and was fine with him having female friends..except for one person. I don't know if that's jealousy or just knowing something is wrong about the way they treat each other. Maybe it's more about trust than anything else.
Posted by: Celia | February 11, 2009 at 08:01 PM
I think the real issue behind jealousy is TRUST and trustworthiness. In a relationship, both people need to trust each other. They also need to both be trustworthy. If either of those is missing from either person, problems are bound to happen.
Posted by: Larissa | February 12, 2009 at 02:44 AM
Great post. I won't lie, I'm a jealous person, but I agree that trust is a huge part of a relationship. If you're crazy jealous, there has to be some trust issues behind it.
Posted by: Jessica | February 12, 2009 at 06:01 AM
I think you're being way too nice about this. The Ex sounds like a massive tool who knows nothing about how to treat a woman. His current wife most likely has no self-awareness, or spends a lot of time eating pie in a locked closet.
Posted by: Jay | February 12, 2009 at 09:34 PM
I think there's a big different between being a jealous person and a possessive person. As a lot of people have already commented, jealousy is a normal emotion that we all experience at some point in our life. And for very different reasons. And in all honesty, if my boyfriend wasn't slightly jealous sometimes (not all the times), I think I'd question how much he cared. However, when jealousy turns into vindiction and possessiveness, that's when it's beyond normal, in my opinion.
As far as people go... I had a jealous/possessive boyfriend at the same time in my life that you did. Potentially people are more likely to be extremely jealous when they are going through certain things in their life. I seem to know a lot of friends who in their late teens/early twenties had really possessive and jealous boyfriends or where kinda possessive and jealous themselves, but who are fine now or dating/married to perfectly good men!
Posted by: Annie | February 12, 2009 at 09:35 PM
Wow, what a post. It's hard to know what the right answers to any of those questions are, isn't it? (There are, however, plenty of wrong answers, as your Evil Ex so graciously pointed out).
Posted by: Janssen | February 16, 2009 at 10:46 PM