Every now and then, when more than a week has gone by without updating the blog, I get to thinking that maybe it's just too much of a hassle and I should just go ahead and ditch it like every journa or diaryl I have ever written. But then I forget a rather important, pressing detail of my life, like, just for example of course, how long exactly Colby and I have been together. You know, it seems like it might be six years, but that couldn't possibly be right because I'm just not that old, right? But then I can do a little research and find a post from three years ago about how we've been together for three years, and well, you know, the sanity and peaceful sleep that comes with the ability to retrace my steps like that--you just can't buy that peace of mind at Target!
So, I carry on blogging.
Six years. That means that we've been together for more than 20% of my life--ever since I was just a wee pup of 19 years old. I'm three years older than he was when he started dating, and holy hell, I thought he was just about the most grown up, mature, OLDEST dude ever. Even my little sister is older than that now.
We talk a lot about the future. It makes me laugh sometimes to remember how difficult it was to get him to open up about "where do you see us in five years?" when we were dating and I was desperate for a commitment, or even the hint of one. Now we toss around the idea of having babies and moving to far off locales and where we want to retire like we're discussing what movie we want to go see. It feels so natural and completely organic that we'll have all of these experiences together.
Life is a little overwhelming right now. We're both a little stressed at work and in our respective graduate programs. The economy is taking it's toll in the form of a continuously diving house value and we are dealing with the uncertainty of having no clue where in the world we will live at this time next year. I haven't had the time or energy to reconnect with many of my friends lately, and I feel a little bit of the lonely winter sadness creeping around my heart.
Colby asked me the other day if I had changed my mind about ever wanting to have kids. The full weight of just how incredibly difficult it is to deal with children hits me every single day. And every night I come home from taking care of and disciplining other people's kids and thank the good Lord above that I can just veg out on the sofa and watch tv without having to worry about taking care of anyone else. I can just sit, snug in the crook of my husband's arm and feel perfectly content.
I don't know when I'll know that I want to have kids. Right now, building a family seems rather like the prospect of college did when I was in grade school. Something that I knew that I was going to to do, but no concrete ideas of exactly when or how I would get there. I want to be a better person before I have kids. I want to do the laundry on a regular basis, keep the house clean, and be the wife that gets dinner on the table every night, and doesn't have to be scolded to eat her vegetables. I want to finish school and actually use my degree for a little while and then take a break so that I can stay home. I've seen a lot in my short time working at daycare facilities, and as great a program as I think we have, the working mom and dad lifestyle is not what I want for my children.
But I'm just not ready to give up my life for them yet. I remember sitting in the parking lot of Colby's apartment when he lived in Georgia, about four years ago. We were in my car, saying our goodbyes when he suddenly stopped talking and gazed steadily into my eyes.
"Our children will have beautiful eyes."
What I didn't know at the time was that we still had years of tumult and distance ahead of us. What I did know was that he was right and that some day those theoretical children would become a reality. And even now, six years after he shyly asked me to be his Valentine, as he was dropping me off after our first date, and four years after that out of character moment in the parking lot, I know that some day he will be right. And when that time comes, whether I'm serving up four course meals or just barely managing to pour cereal and milk into a bowl, I know that our children will have the most beautiful eyes in the world.
When you're reeady you'll have children that you cherish - it's awesome that you two have been together so long and seen each other throgh so mcuh...
Posted by: PrincessExtraordinaire | February 07, 2009 at 04:53 PM
This was beautifully written. When you're ready, you're going to have the most amazing kids. But only when you're ready--no sense in rushing things. :)
Posted by: Gretchen | February 07, 2009 at 07:36 PM
Sigh!
Whenever you decide- I can't wait to read about the babies. :)
Posted by: maggie | February 07, 2009 at 11:49 PM
I dunno... Alayna and Gunner are getting older... I need a new baby! You or Shelley need to step up to the plate, and I think Shelley's done her fair share for a while... ;)
Jokes. But I know whenever you decide to have kids you'll be a scarily good mom because you were always a scarily good big sister. Probably, you won't taunt your kids like you taunted me, though...
Posted by: Brittany | February 08, 2009 at 12:52 AM
That was really sweet. Very romantic and sincere :)
Posted by: Jessica | February 09, 2009 at 01:58 AM
Well, Brittany, you know how Alayna is about babies and wanting us to have one. Well, the other day Gunner said he too wanted us to have a baby because he thought it would cool to be in high school and have a little brother in elementary school. I don't see that ever happening so, Angela I guess it's all up to you;) Oh, and Gunner and Alayna are certainly in the running for 'the most beautiful eyes in the world':) Love you!
Posted by: Shelley | February 09, 2009 at 05:02 AM
If people waited until they had everything "perfectly in place" until they had kids, high school graduation audiences would be filled with senior citizens... or maybe they wouldn't be filled at all.
But your children will be the most beautiful things you've ever laid eyes on. Even when they are screaming so hard their faces are splotchy and the soft spot is pulsing like an alien on a bad sci fi flick at 2am in the morning.
Posted by: mandy | February 09, 2009 at 09:24 AM
Awww...how sweet, esp. the end :) I can see you being a fantastic mom, but I can understand that you're not quite ready yet. You guys are still pretty young and this is the day and age where many couples are waiting until their 30s to have kids, even if they've been married for a while. I'm kind of in that boat as well (though not even married yet) and I just think that if I'm meant to have kids, it will feel right rather than having to convince myself that it's something I should be doing.
Posted by: Becky | February 09, 2009 at 06:47 PM
David and I are getting to that compfy spot too. We aren't married, but I find us talking about stuff that will happen down the road like it's perfectly natural. *sigh* Love it!
Posted by: sara.jane | February 09, 2009 at 11:39 PM
aw such a sweet post. i love this and happy six years :)
Posted by: katelin | February 10, 2009 at 01:39 AM
What a sweet post. I am far more ready than hubby (I blame our 1 year age difference, lol), but I know he is right that we should wait until my career settles down. When you have those heart squeezing moments, though, it's hard not to throw the bcps out the window. :)
Posted by: Becky | February 10, 2009 at 02:01 AM
This post made me laugh and well up, almost simultaneously. I laughed because if you wait until you do laundry regularly or eat your veggies to have kids, you'll NEVER have them! You don't have to be perfect to have kids, you just have to love them and raise them best you can. And if dinner some nights is pizza delivery or macaroni and cheese out of a box because you're just too darn tired to make anything, that's fine--frankly, they like the break as much as you do.
And your kids will have pretty eyes :-)
Posted by: LK | March 02, 2009 at 06:18 PM