The Hills... Basically More of the Same

I think I've figured out why I'm having such a hard time really getting involved in The Hills this season.  At first I thought this season was just substantially less interesting than seasons past, but what it really comes down to is that because of constant tabloid coverage, we already know everything that's happening to these people.  The big drama of whether Heidi and Lauren are going to reconcile was kind of quelled when we read reports of them hugging and talking after Lauren's fashion show.  I wasn't ever really convinced that she and Doug would happen because of all of the shots of her and Kyle Howard being spotted making out all over the west coast.  And as for whether or not Heidi is going to continue putting up with Spencer's crap?  Well, obviously since their still staging romantic tableaux anywhere that pays up front.  It's kind of like watching How I Met Your Mother, but KNOWING who the mother is because you just caught a glimpse of the wedding photo on the mantel.  But anyway, at least for now, I continue to watch week after week and I can still wring a little joy out of the show through good-natured mockery.

The last couple of times on The Hills... If She Never Met Spencer
In this very special episode of The Hills Audrina dates a hottie named Colin who just can't quite manage to outshine the greasy, be-hatted Justin Bobby in Audrina's presumably less than perfect vision eyes.  Holly and Lauren hang out a few times so that Holly can plead Heidi's case and Heidi writes Lauren a "heartfelt" letter pleading her own case that she earnestly signs "Heidi Montag".  Lauren tries not to roll her eyes too much and straight up says that as long as Heidi and Spencer are together, there is no way their friendship can be repaired.  Heidi and Holly mull over this turn of events and Spencer busts into their scene to fulfill his contractually obligated dillweed scene, and then the episode ends with everyone staring off into space in a studiedly vacant manner.

Who To Choose?
Audrina goes on a date with another super-hottie, this time it's Corey and he's rocking the most gorgeous Australian accent.  In fact, I vote that we kick all of these other losers off the show and instead spend 22 minutes each week being treated to nothing but Corey's dulcet Australian tones.  Lauren decides that the crew needs to go to Cabo and they promptly begin inviting everyone they've ever met including Corey and... Justin.  Meanwhile, Heidi and Spencer have a Very Serious Talk about Holly's living situation (read: on their couch) and lays down the ultimatum that either Holly moves out or he does.  And because Heidi is Heidi, Holly will be packing her bags pretty shortly.  Justin comes over to Lauren's house and he and Audrina spend some time lounging out by the pool beneath the stars while Audrina confesses that she's been dating a nice guy.  Justin assholes about how obviously nice is working out really well for the guy since he's nowhere to be found.  Audrina giggles, jumps in the pool and tosses her bikini top beside the pool.  Sigh... these girls.

So, now that we're caught up... You'll Never Have This
The crew is piling into a private jet, you know, just in case we'd forgotten that these people are richer than GOD and got that way because people like me are really bored.  I'm really just jealous though.  They start drinking immediately upon takeoff  and Frankie starts asking Audrina why she and Justin are sitting so far apart.  Audrina explains that they aren't there together and are both planning on hooking up with other people (way to have a plan!) and Lauren chimes in that they all have a lot of stuff that they're planning to leave behind in L.A. this weekend.  Except Audrina, she brought hers with her.  Badum dum CHING!

They arrive in Cabo and enter their villa right slap on the edge of the ocean with jaws hanging.  Ah, the noveau riche.  They are just so adorable!  Audrina is horrified to find that she and Justin are supposed to room together and puts her foot down.  How can she go through with her plan if Justin is in such close quarters!  She'll never be able to keep her top on!  Lauren assures Audrina that she can stay in her room if she wants and then they dash out into the surf, Coronas firmly in hand as Justin gazes after them in an approximation of wistfulness.

The guys are all stewing in a hot tub of their own filth and grilling Justin about his status with Audrina.  They gossip like girls about the Corey/Audrina/Justin triangle and Doug offers this little gem of wisdom, "All girls are shady."  Um, yeah, okay Shadey McShaderson.

Napoleon Perdis Cosmetics, L.A.: Heidi and Stephanie are shopping, and Stephanie drops the bomb that she has a boyfriend now.  Well, it would be a bomb if anyone cares, anyway.  But since no one does, she speedily moves on, mentioning that everyone is in Cabo for Brody's birthday.  Ooooh, that's why they're there!  Stephanie fills us in that she and Lauren are still not doing so well, and Heidi invites Stephanie and her boyfriend Cameron out on a double date.  Stephanie balks initially, but is immediately convinced by Heidi's clueless optimism.

Cabo: The party-goers are all sitting around the dinner table, looking gorgeously dewy and tropical as they feast on seafood and other tropic delights.  Justin needles Audrina a bit about Corey then brings up the shared room that Audrina apparently vacated.  They proceed to have the same conversation that they've had fifteen times about how Justin doesn't want to be exclusive and Audrina doesn't care and Justin doesn't care, but they both obviously care because they look ready to murder one another.  Frankie gives a heartfelt toast to the birthday boy about how he's the greatest friend ever and then a literal SWARM of girls erupt out into the courtyard.  I have no idea who these girls are, but they are apparently Brody's birthday gift.  Ew.

Later, as the birthday gifts gamely strip down to their birthday suits, Lauren and Audrina talk about Justin and Lauren once again tries to convince Audrina that she needs to just move the hell on with her life, and let Justin know in no uncertain terms that she is over him.  Audrina just sighs and plays with her hair.  The guys are back at the table, discussing their plan of attack with the birthday girls and Justin, who is slitty eyed drunk, talks about how Audrina has essentially forced him to hook up with one of the hot naked ladies.  There follows a squicky montage featuring lots of bare skin, tongues, making out, and smoldering glances.  It still doesn't hold a candle to that final scene between Chuck and Blair in this week's Gossip Girl, however.  I'm still fanning myself in an attempt to recover from that one.

Pane E Vino, L.A.:  Heidi and Spencer are waiting for Stephanie and Cameron, and decide to go ahead and order while waiting for the fashionably late pair.  They eventually show up and Spencer immediately glances pointedly at his watch, starting the night off on a very friendly note.  Spencer proposes a toast to "Stephanie and her first boyfriend", then proceeds to gloat about how he recently kicked Holly out of the apartment.  Cameron changes the topic, mentioning that Stephanie is such a great girl and makes him laugh a lot, to which of COURSE, Spencer responds that she makes him laugh a lot too.  Come on Spence, WAY too easy.  Heidi brings up Brody, and the four of them proceed to discuss his various misdeeds and cruelties for the next few minutes, and then Spencer brings up Doug and the dinner officially earns itself the title of Most Horrific Double Date Ever.

Cabo:  Justin approaches Audrina who is perched on the side of the pool and they flirt like fifth graders, all but pulling hair and threatening a cootie transferral.  The next morning, Justin and Audrina flirt some more over a decidedly liquid breakfast and argue about which of the two of them is the most "straight-up".

The 4th Street Stairs, L.A.:  Spencer is running the stairs when Stephanie shows up and waves him down.  She proceeds to rip him about his behavior the night before and Spencer tries to justify his behavior with his usual ridiculous bluster.  Stephanie pathetically asks him to just be nicer to her and Spencer responds by telling her that if she can be loyal to her family, he'll be nice to her.  Which, huh?  I love how Spencer always manages to find the moral high ground.

Cabo: Audrina and Lauren blab about Justin some more and Lauren tells her that she basically just needs to do what makes her happy.  Audrina claims that Corey is who makes her happy but Justin has to make things difficult.  Lauren suggests once again that Audrina just cut the ties with Justin which is met with more wistful gazing.

Comments

[ashley.]

You're a dedicated one.

Always sticking with the Hills no matter how annoying or crazy it is. :)

[katelin]

i totally agree that we know too much from the tabloids before it airs, that it just makes stuff not as interesting. like heidi and spencer breaking up? yeah right, we still see them and their dumb antics everywhere. and audrina moving out and lauren and heidi making up? man just fast forward the season to the good stuff already.

oh and i do not like justin bobby, gah what a dbag.

[Jessica]

You are dedicated for sticking with the show. I have to admit, it's about one step away from being deleted. Spencer is just so awful and his sister is such a doormat, it's painful to watch. I would rather focus on the MTV VJs that cover the hills, talk about douchebags. Seriously I can see their soul's disappearing.

[Joy]

I totally agree with you. "The Hills" this season is slowly sucking my soul out of my body.. and yet I can't seem to delete my Tivo season pass yet. Is it strange that nothing actually every happens on the show, yet they give the impression of serious drama going down all the time? Sigh. And the preview for next week.. with Audrina, Corey and Justin Bobby? Makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a pencil.... or eat a lot of candy and roll my eyes at the girls who are so desperately in love with awful, awful boys.