I Am So Close to Going Over the Edge Right Now

It has not been a very good week.  In fact, it's kind of been a fucking bad week that, God-willing, reached it's pinnacle last night in a giant 30 minute crying jag, followed by about 15 more minutes of delicate, ladylike sobs as I tried to give half a crap about Project Runway.  (Digression:  I honestly couldn't care less about who wins at Bryant Park.  Has there ever been such a boring season as this?)  It's not one huge, gigantic catastrophe that has occurred, it's been a multitude of tiny, stinging pinpricks, one after another in painful, infuriating succession.

Monday was really pretty okay, between multiple glasses of strawberry vodka and lemonade with chocolate fondue and a fairly excellent episode of Gossip Girl.  But then Tuesday, I woke up feeling utterly exhausted and rundown, and that evening came with the revelation that Colby's leave request for the holidays was not approved, so it looks like I will be spending my second Christmas in a row away from my family and this will be his third.  Yesterday, I'm pretty sure I broke my damn toe playing Yahtzee! of all things.  I shit you not--I was sitting in my chair, waiting for my turn when I felt like I got a cramp in my toe.  I stood up and couldn't put any pressure on it without feeling nauseous from pain (granted, I do have a VERY LOW tolerance for pain...) and it's swollen and painfully bruised feeling today.  Then, last night I read something that really astounded me with its insensitivity and I decided to just throw in the towel and go to bed before I exploded all over the internet.  On top of all of that, I am still so exhausted, I'm uber-PMSing right now and I had to wake up at 5 a.m. this morning for work, and will have to do so through next Friday.  Oh, and my background check hasn't been cleared yet, so I can't do my classroom observation and I can't get any of my teacher friends to respond to my messages so that I can interview them about bloody Social Cognition Models before Saturday.  And of course it is cold, rainy and completely grey and dreary outside today, which is doing absolutely nothing to improve my mood.

It was when I was trying to hobble upstairs last night so that I could switch out a load of laundry that I started to feel my "brave face" collapsing.  The only way I could get up the stairs was by sitting down and scooting up backwards, and by the time I got to the third step up, I was already experiencing full on, body racking sobs. Just this past weekend, I began a post about how well I've been handling Colby's deployment, and how as much as I've missed him, it has been completely awesome jet-setting around the country and spending loads of quality time with some of my favorite girls.  It's only a few days later, and now I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through another month without him here.  I'm so goddamned tired of being alone, of having to deal with life by myself, of having to constantly run up and downstairs on a broken fucking foot and not having anyone here to just take care of me for a little while.  Of having to come up with things to say to him on the phone after we've talked about everything under the sun when all I really want is to have him sitting on the couch next to me while we watch television together.

And that is why, at 9:33 in the morning, I am sitting on the couch, watching Top Design, and drinking a giant glass of red wine.  It is either this or cry some more, and I just really don't feel like reapplying eye makeup right now.

Comments

[Kateastrophe]

Awwwww I am so sorry! I can't imagine how hard ALL of that must be! I wish I could run up there and make you some chicken noodle soup (I could provide the secret family recipe though!) and hugs.

I know it will get better, but I also know that hearing that doesn't make it better NOW.

It might feel better if you ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. NO, just me? Hmmmm

[Miriam]

I am so sorry. It sucks that it's like this right now. We all need a good sob though. And I totally know what you mean about your brave face wearing off.

[Cat]

There's something in the air, I'm right there with you. And I don't even have a good excuse, such as a deployed husband.

AM SO SO SO insanely jealous of your 9:30 AM wine I cannot even begin to tell you. That sounds divine right now.

[Operation Pink Herring]

It seems like I always go very quickly from "everything is super!" to "I CANNOT DO THIS FOR ONE MORE SECOND," too. I hope you're feeling better... and I hope the sun comes out soon (literally).

[wordnerd]

Ahh, geez. You ARE having a bad week. And I could sit here and tell you it's going to get better, but you know that already. Just cry it out, do what makes you happy, and hang in there knowing that on top of your 'real' friends, you have a whole buncha blogfriends sending happy thoughts and hugs your way!

[Heidi Renée]

I constantly had those "can't do this anymore" days when my husband was on cruise with the Navy (and now he wants to go back in, sigh). I feel for you, girl.

[Lulu]

ur awesome and i love your blog.
i love graphic writing

[Dawn]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. That truly sucks about the holidays. I honestly can't imagine having to go through a deployment like that, and you are bound to have bad days. I hope things turn around soon for you.

And, really, after a week like that? There is nothing wrong with wine for breakfast.

[Sassafras]

What can I say? I would feel the same way if my husband was away for months at a time. Truthfully, I don't think I would be able to do it.

Hang in there - sorry this week has been so crappy to you!

[Caro]

I know nothing I say can magically make all these things your feeling go away, but know that you are being thought of and prayed for. I hope whatever is going on with your foot heals up soon! Huge, bear hugs are coming your way!

[Jenn]

I wish I had something thoughtful to say besides agreeing that Project Runway has really sucked this season. Enjoy that wine and I hope that things look brighter soon.

[TasterSpoon]

Oh, honey bunny! Have some chocolate with that red wine, too. And hug the puppies.

[CurlySue]

Oh I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the hubbie around (if I was married) nor to know I won't be with family or the hubbie for the holidays. As for that broken foot, I've been there and not sure what to tell you. Have another glass of red wine for me and maybe it will help???

[Shannon]

Oh, this sucks! Glad you are taking care of yourself with tv and drinks. Start taking it easy and throw some chocolate in to the mix.

[sophie]

I am so sorry that things are sucking so much right now. Sending lots of good vibes from Texas--and you know, everything's bigger in Texas--so they should work.
Is there anyone I can beat up to make them give Colby leave?? Hoping you feel better way soon.

[A Super Girl]

That absolutely sucks that Colby's leave request got denied. All of that nonsense is totally deserving of 9:30 a.m. wine. In fact, that would be 12:30 my time, and I definitely could have used that today too!

[Katie]

A thousands hugs to you.

[rialeilani]

you seriously deserve that red wine. no more tears hopefully that bruised toe and everything else shitty will start to get better. *hugs

[shelikestotravel]

I'm sorry that things are building up and making things suck right now. I hope that this soon passes for you.

[Larissa]

We all reach out breaking point sometimes. Sorry to hear about your hard week.

[Becky]

I think that if I had to go through all those months alone, I'd be at a breaking point too. If you ever want to get together, please let me know (we can even meet half way!).

P.S. I'd add a pint of chocolate Haagen Daaz to that red wine!

[Becky]

Major ((((HUGS))))

[Annie]

Um, major stink on all accounts. Ice and tape the toe if you can! I broke my toe and that's all that could really be done for it... at least it will probably heal fast! I know that's nothing compared to everything else, but things have to start getting better from some point, right? You can do it!

[Sara]

A good cry is always a good thing...it always helps me

[Kate P]

That sucks! Take care of yourself, kiddo.

P.S. right as Runway ended the other night, my (normally cool-headed) sister texted me: "Kenley is such a b----"! So it's getting *somebody* riled up.

[slynnro]

I've been there. Not for the same reasons, but yeah.

[Miss Marie]

This sentence {between multiple glasses of strawberry vodka and lemonade with chocolate fondue and a fairly excellent episode of Gossip Girl} sounds like heaven.

Where on earth can I get strawberry vodka and lemonade???

[Dingo]

I am so sorry you are having such a bad week. Broken foot, leave request denied, life in general -- you have every reason to have wine at 9:30am. I hope things get better for you soon.

[RisibleGirl]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry that I've been out of touch with you (and everyone else, for that matter). If you ever need to just come be with peeps, you're welcome to come here. I mean we have dance dance revolution and rock band. There's no crying in dance dance revolution, right? well, maybe there is- if you saw me play.

And you are ALWAYS part of our family for the holidays.

We love having you.

xoxoxoxo and big squeezes,
Lori

[Fraulein N]

Oh, that's so sucky. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. You totally deserve wine at 9:33 in the morning.

[Anonymous G]

Oh, Ang. Sometimes things just REALLY seem more awful than other times.

I'm sorry about your toe and all the little things. And I'm really sorry about how much you have to miss Colby. . .

I'm NOT sorry about a glass o' wine in the AM. What's the difference, really??

Hugs to you, sweet girl. Tomorrow is another day (where did I hear that before?) and things just may seem a bit brighter.

xoxoxo

[Steph.]

Dang, you are having a hard time. I'm so sorry! I can commiserate on the toe thing as well as I've been nursing a broken 4th toe which has had me in a super-funk because I can't workout much on it and I can't take off the weight I gained during Ike and the weeks that follow that I had family staying with us.

Hang in there blog pal. It'll get better...(hugs)

[E.P.]

I am so sorry to hear about your week, friend. When it rains, it really does pour.

Hang in there. We're here for you if you need anything. And if worse comes to worse, I have found that a strong drink with a good friend helps a lot.

[Jass]

Hey girly,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Ouch for the poor toe too!

I hope this week is a much better week for you. And, I'll be thinking of you. Hugs!!