The Hills, But More Importantly, The City!! (Tomorrow Is Another Day...)

And now, While Lauren's Away...

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo's House: (I wish we could hurry up and get to the episode where Audrina moves out so that doesn't take so long to type.) We open in Lauren's bedroom as she is packing for a mysterious trip that evidently doesn't require heels. I don't care where you're going and what you think you'll be doing there, a girl should ALWAYS pack a pair of heels, just in case. It's kind of along the same lines as always wearing matching underwear on a date. I mean, you just never know! (Mother, we shall never speak of this again.) And oh my God, that hobag is going to Italy! How did she swing that? Anyway, Lo and Audrina banter about how they'll have some alone time to hang out together and then each sigh heavily as Lauren pulls out of the driveway.

After the credits, Stephanie shows up at the house and comes in to find Audrina hacking into a watermelon. Turns out that Doug has asked Stephanie out on a date, and apparently she feels the need for Audrina's blessing. Audrina suggests waiting until Stephanie has a chance to update Lauren on the situation, but Stephanie is raring to go and just slyly asks Audrina how Lauren would find out. You stupid wench, you just told her freaking roommate, that's one of many ways she might find out! God, these girls are just insufferably moronic sometimes. Anyway, Audrina just blinks a couple of times in response and stutters that she doesn't know.

Bolthouse: Heidi and Kimberley are "planning" an event that seems to involve skate ramps, and Heidi floats the idea of inviting Spencer along since they have fallen into a boring old person rut. Not that I can judge them on this area of their relationship--having someone that you actually enjoy being in a boring old person rut with is kind of nice. Of course, she is dating Spencer Pratt, so I can understand wanting to spend as little time alone with him as possible.

Fred Segal: Lo and Audrina seem to be voluntarily spending time together for lunch, so it looks like things have gotten exponentially better between them. Lo asks about Justin, who has apologized for leaving Audrina hanging at her work event, but when Lo begins to expound upon the importance of making good choices for yourself, Audrina gasps and interjects that Stephanie stopped by and dropped a Doug bomb on their kitchen. Lo seems flabbergasted by this turn of events, squealing different forms of "Stephanie and Doug?!?" about eighteen times before finally calming down and sucking down the rest of her drink.

Goa: Lo is finally looking kind of fabulous again, and less like a modern day Cruella DeVille as she and Audrina settle into a booth together. And then, surprise sur-freakin-prise, Spencer and Heidi enter the club and approach the girls to say hi. Audrina is folded into a giant Heidi embrace, and there's some awkwardly forced exposition about how Audrina and Heidi used to be best friends, and then once again, Stephanie becomes conversation fodder as Heidi is caught up on the Doug drama. Heidi reflects upon the time that she went to Laguna to meet Lauren's family and how she heard about Doug then, and how he was "her [Lauren's] Doug" and her high school sweetheart. Oooh, Stephen Colletti is pissed right now! Totes upstaged. Anyway, Heidi has the balls to look horrified and claim that she would never do that to her friend. No, Heidi, you would just spread vicious rumors about an alleged sex tape and let your evil boyfriend handle all of the soul destroying. Heidi ends by inviting them to the Bolthouse skate ramp event, and all of this time Lo has been sitting silently, making The Hills trademark big eyes, and sipping on her drink until the blonde banshee decides to take her leave.

Heidi and Spencer's Apartment: Stephanie comes into the apartment to let Spencer in on the giant secret that Doug has asked her to dinner. Even Spencer has the sense to know that that just ain't right and "L.C" is going to freak out when she finds out. But Stephanie insists that the dinner is just as friends. Um, yeah... okay.

X Games Party: Ah, okay, the skate ramp makes a lot more sense now. Isn't context just so crucial? Spencer and Heidi invite Justin and Audrina to take a seat on their web couch, and Spencer tries to make small talk about the Batman movie and it is really painful to watch as the four of them combined probably couldn't explain the intracacies of a Sesame Street plot, let alone The Dark Knight. There is a lot of vapid nodding and then we're back on the topic of Doug and Stephanie. Audrina and Heidi expound upon how they just want to surround themselves with positive people, and Stephanie totally harshes their vibe, and then Heidi starts going on about how she said some things to Lauren that she shouldn't have said, and Audrina randomly cites the fact that they're all grownups now (you know, a whole one year later). And anyway, non sequitir much?

Beso: Dude, you totally do not go on a friend date at a restaurant that translates to KISS!! Doug and Stephanie talk about Brody and whether they do or do not get along with him, respectively. Stephanies asks if it's weird that he dated Lauren (I'm not sure if she is still referring to Brody here, or if she's talking about Doug), and Doug smarms, "Not at all," complete with suggestive eyes and slight leer. As they're exchanging empty glances, Brody's mom enters the restaurant and comes over to say hi to Stephanie. Doug introduces himself to her, and she asks if they're on a date. Their words tumble over each other as they each claim that, no, absolutely not on a date! Just friends! Don't even know who she is! You said your name is Doug, right? So, when I enter this into my handy dandy Hills translator, it comes up as "Yes, we're definitely going to make out at some point tonight, but please don't tell Brody because he will just LOVE this."

Epic Records: Audrina and Chiara are chatting, and Audrina brings up the time that she and Lo have spent together and then, of course, the Doug Dategate comes up again.

Lauren, Lo, and Audrina's House: Some blonde girl with glasses and a suitcase comes into the house--oh wait, that's Lauren, I'd forgotten about that girl! Anyway, she yaps about Italy comparing the men there to construction workers, which if you actually heard the entire metaphor is actually kind of apt. Lo and Audrina fill Lauren in on all of the Heidi, Spencer, Doug drama, and the amount of eyebrow raising is alarming. I'm a little afraid Lauren's eyebrows are going to fly clear off of her face.

Loteria Grill: Brody and Lauren are out for dinner and of course, Brody drops the "I told you so", bringing up the Doug and Stephanie date or, as Doug put it, a business dinner (???). Lauren admits sullenly that she's pissed, but rightly brings up the fact that Doug is just as wrong as Stephanie for clearly just doing everything in his power to make Lauren jealous. I don't know, Lauren dumped him... I'm kind of thinking tempest in a teapot. Ooh, that should be the subtitle for this show, The Hills: Tempest in a Teapot.

Before I close, I would just like to point out that once again, Whitney was missing from an episode, and if you missed her as much as I did, you'll probably be thrilled to know that a reality show featuring Whitney working for Diane von Furstenberg in NYC (I think I read that it will be called The City) has been picked up and will begin airing in 2009. I've got to tell you, Whitney is just about the best thing The Hills has to offer, and I have a feeling that New York is going to be a million times more interesting than L.A. You can read the article here.

Comments

i saw on lauren's myspace (yes i am friends with her, don't judge, haha) that she went to italy with her family. she has a bunch of family italy pics up. they're pretty cure actually. and yes i missed whitney too, she's by far the most normal person on that show, haha.

Posted by: katelin | September 25, 2008 at 12:42 AM