The Hills Are Back in Town

After a terribly long dry spell of... well, three months, The Hills is back!  The season came in like a lamb, so I expect it to go out with lots of fireworks, vengeance, and at least three 30 second wordless, wide eyed stares.  But you know, that's part of what I love (hate?) about this show--how absolutely NOTHING can happen and yet you can still feel the palpable drama emanating from your tv screen and wrapping itself around you like a fuzzy blanket.  And now for the season four premiere of The Hills...

We'll Never Be Friends

We begin with a recap of the events of last season, Whitney and Lauren are working as stylists at People's Revolution, Heidi almost moved to Vegas, but just in the nick of time the dastardly Spencer showed up and whisked her back to L.A. where he tied her to some train tracks and then stood by twirling his mustache waiting for the next train to come along.  Well, actually he just convinced her to move back in with him and then Heidi got in some serious trouble at work for pulling a vanishing act during an important client meeting, but you know, close enough.  Audrina, Lo, and Lauren are all living together, and Lo has been busy making life miserable for everyone, then shoving the blame off on Audrina.

People's Revolution: Lauren and Whitney are flipping through a rack of blue jeans--I know this job was supposed to be a huge step up from Teen Vogue, so why is it that it seems that they're always doing the same exact thing here as they were there?  Anyway, Whitney performs her critical duty to the series, asking Lauren what she has been up to lately.  Lauren responds that she and Lo are planning to throw a birthday pool party for Audrina.  Now, remember this, because it is very important later--LAUREN and LO are throwing AUDRINA a birthday party.  Okay, we've got it.  Then Lauren delivers the exciting news that she has a date tonight!  Whitney gamely squees in glee as they giggle and have a mini celebration amongst the denim, then asks for details.  Turns out that Doug, the date in question, took Lauren to his high school prom many moons ago, and just "happened" to run into her in L.A.  "What a coincidence, Lauren!  I see you have a television show now, how about I take you out for dinner!  Don't worry, those two thoughts are completely unrelated!"

Lauren then reveals that she hasn't really dated a guy, as in more than one date, since Heidi and Spencer set her up with the charmingly smarmy Brody Jenner in, when was that, Season 2?  Damn, Lauren needs some man time y'all!  They end the scene with a bit more squealing and then Natasha comes in, singing to us that the rest is still unwritten as shots of Lauren and company having the time of their lives dance across the screen.  Ah, to live your life as a television montage.  So much more glamorous than my montage, which would mostly contain a lot of laundry, dog wrangling, and blogging.

Bolthouse:  The scene begins with that Pussycat Dolls song, "When I Grow Up", and I just have to tell you, I was recently crushed to find that the words to the chorus are "When I grow up I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have GROUPIES."  Not, "I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have BOOBIES."  Whatever, I still sing my version, because it is so much more hilarious and autobiographical that way.  Heidi is talking to the most recent girl paid to be her friend, Kimberley.  Turns out that Heidi's sister is coming in town today and Heidi still hasn't had the balls to tell Spencer that she'll be there.  How unhealthy is that?  She's afraid to tell her fiance that her sister is visiting because she's afraid he'll be mad at her.  Gross.

Epic Records:  Now Audrina and her coworker and friend, Chiara, are discussing their weekend plans.  Audrina mentions her birthday party, Chiara makes skeptical faces when she finds out that Lauren is throwing it, and then asks if Lo is involved.  Audrina sighs wearily and shrugs then, I quote, "Lo's always super-bitchy.  That's just how she is."  So, it is safe to say that relations have not improved over the summer.

Heidi & Spencer's Apartment:  Heidi's sister, Holly, and Spencer are slumped on the couch and recliner respectively in a hilarious tableau of mute awkwardness when Heidi comes trilling through the door.  Spencer is obviously the host from hell, as Heidi and Holly hug, he glares at Heidi, then stalks into the bedroom growling "I'm gonna let you ladies catch up with each other."  Then, without even attempting to keep Holly from overhearing, he proceeds to chastise Heidi for having her sister over while they're just trying to put their relationship back together.  Let me tell you, Spence, this is NOT the way to do that.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo's House:  Lauren is getting ready for her date and as Lo observes, Lauren tells her that she and Audrina should have a fun night tonight.  Lo makes big eyes of skepticism, then does this weird quote fingers thing without saying a word, and then mutters "Yeah, well" the way an eye roll would sound if it were audible.  Then it's Lauren's turn to make big eyes when the doorbell rings.  You know, Lauren is a beautiful girl, she should not be so shocked when a date actually shows up on her doorstep.  Anyway, Doug is cute in a generic, fratty way and as they drive to their date location, they reminisce about what a dork Lauren used to be for liking him when she was younger, and he merely chuckles and agrees... and, huh?  Sigh.  Anyway.

Red Pearl Kitchen:  It's date time, and this actually looks like a really cool restaurant, but of course, it is ruined by the most insane conversation of all time:
Doug:  So what have you been up to for the past four years?  (As though he doesn't watch the reality show of the girl with whom he went to prom.  I'm sure.)
Lauren: I know, I feel like I haven't seen you for four years and we have four years to catch up on over dinner! (Way to not answer the question.)
Doug: Orders a Stella
Lauren: I think your drink says a lot about you!
Doug: So, what does my beer say about me?
Lauren: (With a smitten kitten grin firmly in place) That you're a guy's guy!
While I'm at home thinking, Stella?  Really?  Can beer possibly get more girly than that without becoming a cider?  Anyway, Lauren invites Doug to Audrina's birthday party, he pretends he doesn't watch The Hills some more, and he agrees to go.

Heidi and Spencer's Apartment:  Heidi and Holly are up making breakfast when CaveSpencer emerges from his bedroom, rudely turns down the eggs Holly proffers, passive aggressively attacks Heidi about Holly being there, and then goes back to bed.  That was fun!

Audrina's Birthday Party:  Lauren, Audrina, and Lo are outside preparing for the party as people start to arrive, and soon the backyard is filled with Audrina's friends.  Lo begins to moan about how she's so uncomfortable with all of these people that she doesn't know, saying that she feels like she and Lauren are doing all of the work and Audrina isn't pulling her weight.  First of all, since when did Lo transform from bubbly, outgoing party girl to Esther Greenwood?  And second, it's AUDRINA'S party!  That LAUREN and LO are throwing!  Audrina shouldn't HAVE to do the work, and of COURSE her friends are there.  GAH!  I really miss the Lo that use to drop in every few episodes to point out how screwed up Lauren's love live was, make some witty comments about the current state of affairs and then disappeared again.  I loved that Lo.  I wanted to be friends with that Lo.  This Lo I just want to throttle.  Audrina comes in and Lo questions her about who was invited, then when Audrina is done rattling off a few names, Lo looks down her nose, raises her voice a few octaves and states snottily, "Well, we'll just have to enjoy the company that comes."  Lauren has the decency to look shocked at this and then gives Lo the glare that your mom used to give you when you were tantrumming in the middle of the grocery store.

Prive Salon:  Heidi is seing to it that Holly gets a Hollywood makeover, which seems to consist of adding a crapload of ratty extensions and paying no attention to the five inches of mousy brown roots transitioning into bleach blond ends.  Stunning!  Anyway, Holly pointedly asks about Heidi's relationship and why she never talks to her family about it anymore and Heidi defends herself saying that she's an adult now and she can handle things without their input and doesn't have to share everything with mom and dad anymore.  You know, except for when Spencturd is mean to her and she runs off to Colorado to live with mom and dad for a while.  That's totally different though.  Holly then asks when was the last time Heidi saw Lauren and if she misses her and Heidi just demurs.  Holly then says, "I'm just concerned cuz, just, I don't want you to have to sacrifice anything else for your relationship."  And the rest of America would like to second that emotion!

Audrina's Birthday Party:  Doug pulls Lauren down on his lap, trying to get all romantical with her, asking why she hasn't been hanging around with him, she kind of murmurs some stuff about being the host, looks seriously uncomfortable, and then scurries off suddenly remembering the cake.  Methinks some trouble in paradise?  Lauren enters the kitchen as Lo comes back downstairs after playing with the dog upstairs for about an hour.  Lauren, looking very hassled, tells Lo that she needs her help and it doesn't matter if they don't know Audrina's friends, they still need to make an effort.  Lo claims that she feels they are making an effort and Audrina's not reciprocating.  Lauren goes outside and talks to a friend about the Lo/Audrina situation and he tells her that maybe she just needs to accept that they can't all be friends.  Lauren looks very sad as she stares off into middle distance and soliloquies, "I just... I want us to be the way we used to be."  Oh Lauren, growing up is hard to do, isn't it?  I feel ya, sister.

Heidi and Spencer's Apartment:  Heidi and Spencer walk Holly out to her car where Holly drops the bomb that she's considering moving out to Hollywood and potentially moving in with Heidi and Spencer until she finds a place to live.  Heidi gets all excited at the prospect and Spencer focuses on keeping his head from exploding.  As Holly drives off into the distance Spencer blows his gasket at Heidi and then stalks inside.  It's so refreshing to see a healthy relationship like theirs portrayed on television!

People's Republic:  Whitney asks about the birthday party and Lauren recaps for us the disastrous events of the day.  But apparently Lauren gave Lo her marching orders that she was to talk to Audrina because she can't take being in the middle anymore.

Lauren, Audrina, and Lo's House:  Lo knocks on the door of Audrina's pool house and Audrina welcomes her in.  Lo makes some smalltalk about the party and then, in the most insincere tone imaginable, she slides her eyes to the right and says, "Yeah, I know, it was fun, actually I want to talk to you."  She begins by apologizing for being absent from the party and then goes on to say that she basically doesn't really think she and Audrina will ever be friends.  Audrina kind of agrees, citing the fact that Lauren and Lo have been friends for years, and she feels like whenever Lo is around, she's excluded.  There's some back and forth as they disagree over who is to blame about the rift and then Audrina cuts through the bullshit saying, "I just don't care.  We'll never be friends."  Lo looks shocked that someone just outbitched her and Audrina looks shocked that she just said that, and that's a wrap for the season premiere.  Thoughts?

Comments

[katelin]

i seriously love your recaps. you capture the show so much better than i could. but oh man seriously some of it i just wanted to throw something at the tv. especially when heidi was like 'i don't want my family knowing all about my relationships...' umm but it's okay for the rest of the world to see your effed up relationship? gag me.

but oh how i love this show, haha.

[La]

I was absolutely SHOCKED when Audrina said "We'll never be friends"! For some reason, I always thought she was a lot more meek and passive, and those words just totally knocked me over! I couldn't believe they were coming out of her mouth. It's more of an LC thing to say.

[Jessica]

I love your recap. Hilarious. Doug was so hot it was almost scary. I was salivating in my own living room and not over food! The whole bit with them at dinner seemed a little forced. I did like his one-word answer about adjusting to LA. Awkward!

[Supergirl]

Totally agree with you on the old Lo v. new Lo. She's annoying now.

[slynnro]

I have never wanted to kill Spencer more than I did during this episode. And THAT is REALLY saying something.

[Like A Bad Girl Straight To Video]

Ha. I watch this show when its on re-runs...I always fall asleep before its on!!!! But it makes me so angry!!! They are so spoiled. This show, and My Super Sweet 16- make me happy I grew up the way I did and I appreciate the fact that I am thankful for everything I have, and don't complain about stuff I don't.

I <3 your recap tho!

[dreamgrrl]

First of all, i LOVE this and have been looking forward to it. Second, I'm SO gld someone else agrees with me on the whole "oh we went to prom together and you're EVERYWHERE and on TV and I have 'no idea' what you've been doing for the last 4 years" HA, I think not. I also can't stand Lo. And do you ever notice how the scene where Audrina supposedly says "we'll never be friends" it sounds like it was dubbed in afterwards, and they don't show her mouth actually saying the words?? Watch a replay and let me know what you think!

[Stephanie]

It always seems like nothing happens in these episodes and yet there is so much drama. I love it.
Also, I couldn't believe it when Audrina said "I don't care. We'll never be friends."
Harsh.

[hillary]

I wanted to smack Spencer so bad (I mean, more than I usually do.) The whole time I was thinking "way to make Heidi NOT REGRET getting back together with you. Douche." Aren't they supposed to be in the honeymoon-yay-we-just-got-back-together stage??

[Chris]

Okay firstly I heart you for writing everything you did and about 5 minutes into the show I realized I should have been live blogging it, which I think I will do in the future. Because SERIOUSLY. I am SO EXCITED from the snippets of what's to come.

I miss the old Lo too, BTW, and I wanted to be her friend...but dude. She is a bitch now. And good for Audrina for sticking up for herself. I still hope she and Lauren can be friends though.

[Laurie]

Katelin directed me here and I'm so glad she did!! This is a fantastic recap! I was thinking the SAME thing when Doug ordered an Amstel Light - um..not a guy's beer at all!

[e.p.]

I love these recaps. Seriously. I could go without watching the show and you'd let me know how everything was, in the truest sense.

I was thinking the same thing about the Stella. And Spencer is a douche.

[skinny fat chick]

I just finally watched the episode and I can't get over what a bitch Lo was! She was just so insincere and trying to blame Audrina and make her look bad, and it's like "we've seen the whole thing unfold dummy. remember those cameras following you? we know what a bitch you were being." I miss the old Lo.