These past couple of weeks have been so surreal. A blur of painting, yard work, hammers and nails--crossing things off of our list in a frantic rush to finish all of our projects before he left. From time to time over the past week, I would take a step back from all of the chaos and remember why we were so pressed for time, why every moment felt so short. But then the tears would begin to well up, and I realized that by stepping back I was actually stepping precariously close to the edge. Leaning over an abyss that would completely strip me of my control over the situation.
As long as there are days left to get things done, then there is another day that he is still here.
"When does he leave? Are you going to be alright?"
"Oh, I'm fine! I've been through this before, so I know I can do it again."
"Okay, well, just let me know if you need anything."
I don't need anything, but I want him to come back.
The day before he left we gave ourselves the day off from projects. We went to a nearby wildlife park and laughed at the antics of the animals. We held hands and took pictures. He cooked an amazing dinner of steak, crab legs and potatoes. We toasted with our glasses of red wine, "To us!" While I was doing dishes, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. We hugged and we kissed and then held each other. I felt myself creeping back toward that abyss, hovering over the swirling clouds of fear, anger, frustration, and sadness that I had been pushing away for so long.
A bathroom was still unpainted. The backyard paving wasn't completely finished. A picture still sat in the living room waiting to be hung.
"You can't leave yet, there are still things on the list that need to be done."
He smiled at me, I put my head on his shoulder and let myself fall. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks and he let me cry. Mascara left a trail down his chest when I finally pulled away and reached for a Kleenex.
The next morning I batted my eyes and used all of the feminine wiles at my disposal to go out to their plane. To bring my husband some cookies and say goodbye again, just moments after I had kissed him goodbye at the terminal. It was so cold on the jet. Pallet after pallet of cargo and luggage and dozens of soldiers milling around, the camouflage of their uniforms seemed to meld them all together in one giant mass of people. I felt like I was standing outside of my body as I searched for his face in the crowd, just watching as I hugged him again. As I said goodbye and kissed him for the last time until November. I smiled brightly and waved as I walked away while the out of body Angela sobbed.
It doesn't matter how many times we do it. It doesn't matter what words we use or how tightly we hold each other. Saying goodbye never stops hurting. Even the most well-intentioned friend can't do anything to make that feeling of emptiness go away.
Our list is still upstairs, almost completed. This morning I drew lines through the incomplete items. Some of them, I'll do on my own. I don't need him to help me, I just want him to come back. Everything else can wait. We'll make a list this winter. We'll finish paving the backyard, we'll put knobs on the kitchen cabinets. We'll hold hands and we'll take lots of pictures.
I don't ever want our list to be finished.
Well shit girl! I cried for you on that post. I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. There really are no words that can make you feel better, just know that your blog friends are thinking about you!
Posted by: Angela | June 23, 2008 at 08:21 AM
I cried too. I understand that saying goodbye never gets easier and you're right, there is nothing that anyone can do or say to take those horrible feelings away from you. But you have no idea how much I wish there WAS something that I could do or say to take them as far away from your precious heart as possible...
Big hugs to you! Much respect and admiration to Colby for doing what he does! And just lots of love coming your way!
Posted by: Caro | June 23, 2008 at 10:21 AM
Aaron and I were long distance for a year. And I got all ridiculous and weepy every time we parted- we saw each other once a month or so. I can't even imagine how I would be in this circumstance.
Posted by: slynnro | June 23, 2008 at 01:42 PM
Dammit! Crying here and sending up prayers and wishes that November gets here fast for you. You two are amazing, and you're an inspiration.
(((BIG FAT HUGS)))))
Posted by: wordnerd | June 23, 2008 at 02:33 PM
Hugs, I don't know what else to say since I've never been in that position. You are a very strong woman.
Posted by: rialeilani | June 23, 2008 at 02:34 PM
Aw sweetie. You're so brave. I don't know how you can do this. I'd crumple into a ball and not unfold myself until November.
Posted by: Miriam | June 23, 2008 at 02:53 PM
Oh Angela, I feel for you. I hope the time goes quickly for both of you. Take care!
Posted by: simplypink | June 23, 2008 at 02:58 PM
Damn, and here I am complaining when D leaves me for a week... I'm so sorry! The next few months will be hard but you know you can do it, and everyone here is behind you :) I respect & admire you for this! Keep your chin up!
Posted by: dreamgrrl | June 23, 2008 at 03:01 PM
Beautiful post. My dad was in the Army, so I know it's hard...but never knew the side of the wife. I'll be thinking of you until November!! Prayers for a safe return.
Posted by: Supergirl | June 23, 2008 at 03:22 PM
I envy your strength, because I could never do it. Hoping the time passes quickly for both of you, and you know you have a gaggle of friends (real and internet) here to help you through it! Hugs!
Posted by: La | June 23, 2008 at 03:35 PM
Having grown up in a military family, and having a brother who is a Marine - I understand this sentiment more than I care to. It's the unknown that's so unnerving.
I'm not sure it ever gets easier, either.
Posted by: deutlich | June 23, 2008 at 03:50 PM
MOIIIII---wish we were there now--for all that's worth! Me and my runny nose and red eyes are off to a meeting! You know my heart understands and aches for you, sweetheart, and my prayers are with you and Colby.
Posted by: The Incubator | June 23, 2008 at 04:13 PM
This brought tears to my eyes. I know you're coming up on a hard period but we are all here for you anytime you need to vent/cry/laugh whatever. Here's to his safe trip and return to you.
Posted by: Molly | June 23, 2008 at 04:37 PM
I'm tearing up just thinking about this. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but I know it has to be so tough and so challenging. I don't have anything to say other than I'm here if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to. *hugs*
Posted by: e.p. | June 23, 2008 at 04:41 PM
Totally crying here at my desk reading this. You are incredible for being so strong - i was with my aunt and family when my uncle came home from six months in Iraq and the tears of joy...i've never been so moved by the amount of love that was in the room when they all stepped off the plane. I can't even fathom the amount of sadness hanging over the air as they got on.
<3 *hugs*
Posted by: heidi | June 23, 2008 at 04:45 PM
(((((((((Angela)))))))))))
It won't be easy, but you are strong and you guys will be stronger because of it. Stay strong, and know that I am here for you always.
Big, big hugs!!
Posted by: Jass | June 23, 2008 at 05:15 PM
Oh my goodness, you made me cry! You sound like an amazingly strong woman. I don't know if I could put myself in your shoes. I love your courage and you and your husband's commitment to each other.
Posted by: Shannon | June 23, 2008 at 05:32 PM
Aww, this is the saddest part! Everything will be OK . . . lonely, but OK. And he'll be back in time for Thanksgiving, safe and sound :-)
Posted by: LK | June 23, 2008 at 05:49 PM
Oh honey, I don't know how you do it. We're all here for you for those really lonely days.
Posted by: Katie | June 23, 2008 at 06:19 PM
((hugs))
Hang in there!
Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
Posted by: Becky | June 23, 2008 at 06:42 PM
I too am snivelling. November sounds like such a long time away.
Starting school will be exciting and engrossing, though, right? Better if you could share them with him, I'm sure, but I hope you can fill your days with other fun friends and projects so you're not too lonely.
Posted by: tasterspoon | June 23, 2008 at 07:16 PM
As a side note, this: <3 always looks like boobs to me.
Posted by: tasterspoon | June 23, 2008 at 07:18 PM
Until November?? Ugh, that is TOO long to be apart. I remember those days. I hope that you have a few trips planned to see friends. And staying around the house all day can give you lots of time to think - when do you start school? What will you do until then? :)
hugs to you girl,
Anne
Posted by: Anne | June 23, 2008 at 08:42 PM
aw sheesh you got me all teary now. but we'll all be here for ya, and november will come before you know it :)
Posted by: katelin | June 23, 2008 at 09:11 PM
Awwww...how long is he going to be gone this time? If you need something to distract you, come in to Seattle some time and let's do lunch or happy hour :)
Posted by: Becky | June 23, 2008 at 09:47 PM
I have no idea howyou do it. I think I would go nuts. You hang in there. And forget what I said the other day, if you want another puppy get it. You deserve a 3 dog night.
Posted by: sophie | June 23, 2008 at 10:56 PM
awww, omg I almost cried reading your post. I can't imagine how hard it must be (I must be a terrible wifey for sorta looking forward to hubby's business trips...)
Posted by: La Petite Belle | June 23, 2008 at 11:57 PM
((hugs)) That is all.
Posted by: Katie | June 24, 2008 at 12:35 AM
Oh honey, I'm a little teary here. I get all emotional when Ted has to work later than usual. I can't even imagine what this must be like for you...but you are one strong woman!
Posted by: Erin | June 24, 2008 at 03:09 AM
Girlie, you made me cry. I'm sending lots of hugs over to you.
Posted by: sharon | June 24, 2008 at 03:10 AM
awwww sweetie! HUGS!
I hope time FLIES between now and then.
Posted by: janet | June 24, 2008 at 03:12 AM
Oh, Angela! This just really moved me. I think it's one of the most touching things you've written. I really feel for you and all the service men's wives/girlfriends/family members. I don't know how you hold it together, but I sure thank you and I thank Colby for doing what he does to keep us all safe. Hugs your way!
Posted by: Steph. | June 24, 2008 at 03:29 AM
I can't even begin to imagine it, Tom and I have never been apart a night in the almost seven years we've been married. Military families have incredible strength and I hope November comes fastfastfast for you.
Posted by: Jenn | June 24, 2008 at 04:21 AM
What a moving farewell--and a hopeful (nay, firmly expecting) see-you-soon. Prayers for C while he is away, and for you while you wait.
Posted by: Kate P | June 24, 2008 at 04:22 AM
i was a big fan of living in denial for as long as possible when I was in your shoes. I think it is a highly underrated coping mechanism.
Hang in there and stay busy. I will be thinking of you. Ive been there more times than I care to remember.
Posted by: MaryB | June 24, 2008 at 07:07 AM
You have something beautiful, there, if you can write a tribute like that. I'm sorry Colby's gone again, I don't know how you do it. Sending you virtual hugs and bottles of wine.
Posted by: Cat | June 24, 2008 at 04:39 PM
I have a ton of respect for everyone who can say goodbye only with the anticipation to say hello again. I'll be wishing for November to come quickly!
Posted by: Annie | June 24, 2008 at 10:44 PM
I am so sad for you. I almost cried! It takes a lot to make me cry. Hang in there. Hopefully, the next few months will go by fairly quickly.
Posted by: Gina S | June 24, 2008 at 11:31 PM
I am continually thinking about you and Colby. I am so sorry that this is your reality right now. Please let me know if you need to talk or chat or email or anything.
Big Hugs
Posted by: Tipp | June 25, 2008 at 02:00 AM
ok i was tearing up reading this post. YOU, my friend, are a STRONG woman. i'm so sorry that the two of you have to be apart, but know how much support you have surrounding you. and how great your reunion will be.
sending love your way
xoxo
Posted by: Michelle & the City | June 25, 2008 at 04:25 AM
What a beautiful, tear-inducing tribute to your hero.
Please thank him for me.
Hugs!
Posted by: JP | June 25, 2008 at 06:29 AM
Not speaking from experience or anything, as I'm not married and don't have military family members, but I can understand that there isn't anything anyone can say or do to fill the Colby-sized void until he gets back, so I won't try. Just know I'm praying for his safe return and that November doesn't take its time getting here.
{{{Hugs}}}
Posted by: Girl, Dislocated | June 25, 2008 at 06:58 AM
My list is 7 pages long. :) Dave thinks I'm nuts.
Deployment always sucks. Except for the last one. The last one sucks, but not as bad.
Posted by: mandy | June 25, 2008 at 08:17 AM
This is a beautiful, beautiful post. I wish you all the luck.
Posted by: Lauren | June 25, 2008 at 07:14 PM
I'm going to second what Janet said - I hope the time just flies, for both of you!
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | June 25, 2008 at 07:53 PM
I got teary eyed reading this. I can only imagine your pain.
My hubby and I were apart for 11 months while we were engaged, but we got to see each other every now and then. The pain leaving each other was too much to bear. I would never, ever want to endure that again.
I'm so sorry. Many prayers.
Posted by: ashley | June 27, 2008 at 02:35 AM
What an amazing post that just broke my heart and made me cry. I can't imagine how hard it must be to say goodbye like that, I don't think I'd be strong enough. (Hugs)
Posted by: Rachael | July 01, 2008 at 11:21 PM