The Hills: The Next Move is Yours

Well, I finally got all caught up on The Hills, just in time for it to go off the air until its next season.  Granted, that next season begins in August, so it's not like we have all that long to wait before the manufactured reality drama continues to chug along, but still!  My poor neglected Hills recaps, we barely knew ye!

Anyway, first let's just get ourselves caught up on what's been going on in la vida Loca Lauren.  She and Spencer's sister, Stephanie continued to let their friendship grow and blossom like a tulip in the springtime, except for when Spencer and Heidi's acid rain would come along and start throwing around words that they know a lot about like "disloyal" and "betrayal".  But still, my own loyalty toward Lauren started to falter a tid bit as Lo started passive aggressively pushing Lauren's roommate Audrina out of the picture by waving her "We've Been Best Friends For Years, So You Just Wouldn't Understand" flag and making bitch-faces at every opportunity.

I got incredibly uncomfortable when Lauren, Lo, and Audrina made the decision to move in together because please, don't they know that three female "best friends" just never works?  I'm projecting a little here because I've been in the Lauren boat where you're slowly alienating the third girl and I've been in the Audrina boat where you're slowly being alienated, and let me tell ya, both of those boats suck.  Anyway, things are awkward from the get-go with the three of them as Lauren and Lo live in the main house and Audrina is relegated to a cottage in the back yard.  Audrina's on-again boyfriend Justin Bobby speaks some pretty wise truths when he tells her that she shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable or isolated in her own home, and maybe she should check into some other living arrangements.

On Lauren's "career front", she mysteriously departed Teen Vogue (although if you read any gossip blogs or magazine on an even semi-regular basis, you'll know that she and Whitney were both asked to leave), and was hired by Kelly Cutrone at People's Revolution, working back alongside her old pal Whitney.  Does anyone else think that Whitney just gets prettier and prettier every episode?

Spencer and Heidi are both pretending that they hate each other because they have an innate understanding of what makes good drama on reality television.  So their dysfunctional relationship continues on the show, as they insist off the air that they're completely in love and it's all just an act, and don't seem to appreciate the ironic dysfunction of their arrangement.  Anyway, Heidi gets a new "job" that involves traveling to Vegas.

And finally, Steven Colletti, the teenage heartthrob of the Laguna Beach days comes back into Lauren's life and tells her how great it is just being pals over a romantic dinner all during which Lauren's been burying him with her best seductive, come-hither glances.  (In all honesty, Lauren really does have amazing eyes.)

Now, The Hills Season 3 Finale The Next Move is Yours

Justin Bobby (Or are we calling him Justin now?  So confused already...) and Audrina enter this absolutely amazing apartment and begin discussing whether or not she wants to move out of the house.  Um, wouldn't it seem as though your decision is already made if you're apartment hunting?  Although maybe she's just a girl after my own heart and also spends her downtime clicking obsessively through Realtor.com.  Also, is Justin Bobby hot, or am I just in the throes of some kind of Hills Stockholm Syndrome?

And Natasha commences feeling the rain on her skin for her obligatory 30 seconds.

Heidi's Apartment:  Spencer, who has been kicked out of his sister Stephanie's apartment because he is a gigantic asshat, is now crashing at Heidi's apartment, unbeknownst to our little jet setter.  Stephanie shows up at Heidi's apartment and makes a commendable effort to appear "shocked" when Spencer opens the door.  Spencer cries a little bit about how he doesn't know where Heidi is and how "Heidi has made me lose my mind", to which I can only respond, "Join the club!  Here's a pin!"

Stephanie, after very little pressure on Spencer's part, tells him that Heidi has gone to Vegas and may never come back.  And wait, what?  I thought that she just went there on a business trip!  She works for a PR company, not the armed forces--unless there's some kind of skirmish in the Bellagio, I think she'll probably return home safely.  So of course, Spencer decides he's going to Vegas.  At least he's consistent.

Vegas:  Heidi and her bosses are going over their "vision" for their Vegas club.  So, I guess this is Heidi's "audition" for the job as project manager in Vegas then.  Oh my God, this is utterly laughable.  I really don't understand how these supposedly hard working business people can allow their time to be wasted like this.  We all KNOW that Heidi is not going to move to Vegas.  Jesus!  She's too busy making home videos of herself on the beach singing songs that even Lindsay Lohan would reject.

People's Revolution, LA:  Whitney and Lauren are working, and Whitney is doing her job to nudge along the exposition.  So Lauren fills us in that all is not going well amongst the neighboring villas of Chez Lauren and Lo and Chez Audrina.  Whitney ever so gently explains to Lauren that Audrina may just be feeling a little uncomfortable because Lauren and Lo are so close and Audrina is the third wheel.  Lauren replies that the one thing they have in common is the fact that they live together, and if they took that away she doesn't know what would remain.  Hm.  Poor Audrina.

Vegas:  Stephanie and Spencer have arrived in Vegas and Spencer instructs his sister to track Heidi down.  They make their way to the Palazzo where Heidi is in the middle of drinks with her bosses, and I'm sure Spencer is definitely not about to make an ass of himself.  Oops, I was wrong!  Spencer approaches the table where Heidi is sitting with the Bolthouse bigwigs and drags her off so that they can "talk".  The Bolthouse guys all look at each other, laugh uncomfortably and immediately get on their phones to tell the real project manager candidate to come on down.  I'm just assuming that last part, but it seems like a safe assumption.

Spencer, please shave.  You look like a toolier tool than usual.  Anyway, he asks her to come back to LA with him and she rolls her eyes and walks off to rejoin her Bolthouse bosses who promptly stand up and leave, and she's left with her immediate boss, Brent who tells her to get her act together.  He's visibly exasperated, and is probably doing the math in his head working out whether the publicity he's getting from this stupid MTV show is even worth it.

Lauren, Lo, and Audrina's House:  I wonder when Lo is going to stop getting the "Lauren's friend" caption under her name and become her own woman.  Anyway, L & L are making crab legs (Yum!  I'm on my way over girls!) and waiting for Audrina to show up for their roommate dinner.  Lo begins to go on about how she doesn't feel like she even knows Audrina and she feels like she isn't welcome in Audrina's little shack, and it pains me to say this but Lo is really not coming off as the sassy, fresh-faced girl that she once did.  She's got the perma-bitchface going on, and I don't know, maybe Audrina doesn't talk to her much because every time she does Lo rolls her eyes, starts texting a friend, or yawns.  I know Audrina probably isn't the wittiest conversationalist, but come on girlfriend, that's just not nice!

As L & L chat, Audrina passes by their window, definitely on her way somewhere that is not a roommate dinner.  Which leads me to wonder if Lauren actually invited her to dinner or if she just mentioned that she was cooking and expected Audrina to take that as an invitation.  Am I the only one who sees these two approaches as very different things?

Vegas, Palazzo Hotel:  Brent is pacing in front of the hotel, and Sam, the Bolthouse bigwig pulls up in his big, shiny black car as Brent tries to track down Heidi.  After a couple of minutes, they give up and drive away without her.  And surprise!  Heidi is at the airport with Stephanie and Spencer!  Oh thank goodness, now the Higher video can be made!  And here I thought there was going to be some kind of paradoxical rift in time and pink-bikinied Heidi would begin vanishing before our very eyes.

Lauren, Lo, & Audrina's House:  For the third time in the span of a 22 minute episode, Lauren mentions the fact that she really feels like she should talk to Audrina about their problems.  For the love of God, woman!  Then bloody TALK TO AUDRINA!!!  I do like the little front french braid thing Lauren's been doing lately.  Cute.  Lo says some more kind of not super nice stuff about how Audrina is prickly and not her super fun best friend and Lauren makes her big serious eyes.

Finally, Lauren walks out to Chez Audrina and they tentatively circle the issue of the uncomfortable vibe Audrina gets in the main house.  Audrina tells Lauren that sometimes she feels ignored by Lauren when they're around Lo and Lauren asks for specific examples.  Audrina is kind of bummed about this turn of events and Lauren just totally doesn't get it.

"I feel like Lo is the one pushing us apart."  Oh snap!  Audrina went there!  Lauren starts crying and Audrina just lets out a defeated sigh as Lauren defends her best friend of twelve years and then lets herself out.

Aw, that was actually really sad.

Heidi's Apartment:  Spencer and Heidi unload their car and walk into their apartment together, Spencer looking smug and self-satisfied and Heidi looking almost as defeated as Audrina.  Romantic!

And that's it!  We'll see you in a few months Lauren!  (Oh who am I kidding.  We'll see you next week on the cover of US Weekly, and the week after that on E! News, and the week after that on a very special episode of Tyra.)

Comments

[maggie]

I only started watching The Hills because of your recaps. And DAMN YOU ANGELA, every time I watch this show I get STUPIDER.

[slynnro]

I hate myself for saying it, but JB is totally hot. Now that you can see his face.

[Jass]

Am I the only one that feels left out by not watching that show? Ha the more I get older, the less I have patience for teenagers. Hold on, are they teenagers?

;-)

[1218blog]

What I don't understand about these girls on the hill is why do they keep forsaking their careers for these "men" First Lauren not going to Paris for Jason. Come on, really, Paris! Now Heidi just completely dumping her boss and an amazing job opportunity for Spencer. So bogus!

[Cat]

Sweet! Thanks. I am totally not going to angst over having missed them all, now!

And seriously, how low is Heidi's self-esteem? As a fellow Coloradan, I am embarassed for her. Get a life, a real job, and a real man, lady.

[TasterSpoon]

Thanks to these hilarious recaps, *I* watched the Hills once (okay, twice). I had no idea how bizarre and stilted a fake reality show could be - I don't think it made me dumber, I think it kind of made my head explode.

It's like, I can get into a fictional TV show and get invested in the characters. And I can get caught up in the human drama of a reality show. But The Hills, which is neither...I kept swinging between sympathy and contempt, genuine emotion and genuine uninterest.

That's why these snarky writeups are the best! Much more fun than watching the actual show.

[katelin]

this show is driving me crazy. i'm so glad there's a break until august, it's just getting ridiculous.