Oh, sweet mother of God, there are TWO episodes of The Hills on tonight. I really do love this stupid show, but it's definitely better in small, 30 minute doses. Oh well, we've got a lot of staged, ridiculousness to get through, so I guess it's on with the show.
Back to L.A.
Previously on The Hills: Heidi went to her parent's house in Colorado to escape her devil of a fiance, but he showed up in his shiny devil mobile in a misguided attempt to sweep her off her feet. She told him to be out of their apartment by the time she got back to L.A. Lauren and Whitney went to Paris with Teen Vogue where they were forced to do actual work, and hung out with unwashed Frenchmen in their time off. Lauren discovered that Brody, whom she is not dating, had the gall to find himself a "girlfriend" (I use this term loosely here.) Apparently Paris changed everything. And Whitney forced me to like her stupid slouchy, knit hats.
L.A., Lauren and Audrina's Apartment: (Yes, that Audrina) Lauren comes flying through the door, genuinely thrilled to be back home and immediately begins talking Audrina's ear off about Paris. Lauren muses that it was nice to get away from L.A. and the Brody drama, and manages to use "like" approximately 50 times in a 30 second span of time.
And, Natasha--go!!
Teen Vogue Offices: Whitney timidly enters Lisa Love's office (her boss at Teen Vogue), presumably to give her resignation speech. Whit, I feel your pain girl! Just try not to cry, and you'll be golden. We'll go get drinks later. It's pretty clear that Whitney has been practicing this speech in front of a mirror as she politely, but firmly tells Lisa Love to take this job and shove it as she has an opportunity to work with Kelly Cutrone as a stylist. Lisa Love gives her blessing in that very signature monotone, and phew, it's over! Go, forth and style Whitney Port!
Bolthouse (Heidi's faux workplace): Heidi approaches Kimberley, who I assume is her assistant (and I can't imagine it's possible to hate life more than this girl probably does) and comments on how much the office has changed. Yes, Heidi, it's funny how that works when you are able to flit out of state at the slightest provocation, only to return to work when it's time to start filming again. You mastered the Black Diamond slope, Bolthouse redecorated!
Kimberley manages to act interested in Heidi's life long enough for the exposition that tells us that Spencer has still not moved out and it's oh, SO heart wrenching to watch him pack up his things. It is revealed that when Heidi told Spencer that she had nothing to say to him and she wanted him out by the time she got back to L.A. she assumed that he knew that she didn't want them to date other people. Oh, Heidi! You couldn't even get Spencer to stop dating other people while you were together! Why are things going to be any different now? I would love to see what goes on in that overly bleached, pointy little head of hers.
She Pratt's Apartment: Spencer and Stephanie are hangin' on the couches while Spencer prats on about how annoying it is that he has to move out, and tells She Pratt that he'll be moving in with her. It just struck me how eerily like Julianne Huff Stephanie is looking right now. You know, I've never seen them in the same place together... Oh, wait, Spencer is still talking--oh, yep, there he goes, talking about dating again. That didn't take long, did it?
Teen Vogue: Whitney and Lauren are talking about Whitney's talk to Lisa and her upcoming opportunity with Kelly Cutrone. They reminisce about how they were hired together and how weird it will be now that Lauren will be there without her. The make big, sad eyes at each other, and if I were Spencer, I'd be calling all of the tabloids and announcing that Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port totally made a sex tape together while they were organizing the shoe closet of Teen Vogue. I'm just saying, those were some seriously big, sad eyes.
People's Revoution: Whitney shows up for her interview and sort of awkwards around while the receptionist ignores her. We overhear a onesided Kelly Cutrone phone conversation, and oh, she is such a hard ass y'all! She goes by "Cutrone"! And she calls someone an idiot! I'm a little scared, I'm not gonna lie. And then she makes her grand entrance. My first thought was, "Holy crap, they hired Sara Gilbert for this part--I haven't seen her since she played the ill fated Paula on 24!" But no, she just bears a freakish resemblance to our lovable, gravely voiced Darlene. Kelly does that annoying thing where she's all, "Oh, I'm so busy, so let's just race through this convo," and tries her hardest to scare the pants off of Whitney who's having none of it. Whitney rambles about how awesome she would be at this job, and all I can say is she should have worn the slouchy beanie again.
Prana Cafe: Stephanie and Heidi are having lunch or breakfast or brunch or something, and Heidi is telling this completely bizarre story, that I wish I could share with you, but I truly can't understand a word she's saying. But she seems to think it's funny, so let's all smile condescendingly until she starts to cry. Stephanie doesn't seem to get it either, so she abruptly changes the subject to the fact that her brother is totally on the prowl again, and Heidi is rather disproportionately stunned. I mean, really? Does she remember who she was engaged to? He of the "girlfriend phone" and the "bro phone"? Heidi professes her undying love for Spencer, and it's really gross, so I'm super excited when we eject from that scene.
Back to Lauren and Audrina's Apartment: Audrina asks if Lauren has talked to Brody, and Lauren shakes her head semi-sadly. They agree to go out on the town and celebrate the fact that they're both single at the same time. Yaaaay for the demise of Justin Bobby!
Les Deux: Lauren and Audrina are looking spicy and there are hugs all around as they join their pals, and then oh, the SHOCK! Brody shows up. Lauren totally gives him the cold shoulder, and then Brody starts doing this really annoying thing where he asks a question and then repeats it over and over again, getting increasingly louder each time. It really makes me want to remind him about inside voices. Lauren just brightly asks where his girlfriend is, which only serves to make Brody more annoying. Brody, go away. And look at that! He leaves and his friend lectures Lauren for being mean to him. She and I are both equally nonplussed by this turn of events as we mercifully go to commercial.
Comme Ca: LOOOOO!!! Lo and Lauren are having lunch, and I can't even focus because my love for Lo is blinding me. I love watching her and Lauren together, you can really tell that they were friends before all of this fame and notoriety and Lo is just refreshingly no-nonsense. She calmly sips on a glass of water and tells Lauren that it is seriously time to get over these punk ass boys she keeps dating and find a "nice boy". Lo!!! Let's hang out some time. Call me, and maybe we can talk about how you do your makeup so that you look astonishingly beautiful and yet perfectly natural.
Speidi's Apartment: Spencer is packing up his stuff, and he manages to make even this process unimaginably annoying. He tosses a book into a box as Heidi leans her hip against the counter and casually drops into the conversation, "It's not like we're broken up..." Spencer looks up, all "Quoi?" He reminds her that he's giving her her space which in Pratt speak translates into "I am going to go have sex with a lot of girls now."
Teen Vogue: Whitney is packing her belongings as she and Lauren banter about how they are now entering into a long distance relationship. Get a web cam girls. Just trust me on this one. They reminisce some more, managing to get a jab at Heidi in there, and then there are some more big, sad eyes. Oh, and now the pouty lip. It's like Whitney is shipping out to the frontlines and not just going to accessorize models a couple of blocks away.
Final montage shows Whitney leaving Teen Vogue with her box and Spencer leaving his apartment, in search of a box... you know... like... oh, nevermind.
An Unexpected Friend
Previously on The Hills: All that stuff I just typed up there. And Lauren reminds us that the first time she met She Pratt, Stephanie yelled at her in the middle of a club, called her a bitch numerous times, and challenged her to a duel. Or at least she would have if she were a man in 19th century England. Which she is not. So, moving on...
FIDM: I totally did not realize that Lauren was still going to school--good for you Lauren! It also explains how she knew all of that stuff about running stitches and faux hems last week. So, Lauren is sitting in a classroom with her larnin' glasses on as the teacher calls roll in this unbelievable NY accent. As Lauren stares dreamily into space, the teacher calls out "Stephanie Pratt". Oh for chrissake. Stephanie makes her entrance and finds a seat and... cue Natasha!!
New York City, People's Revolution: Whitney arrives in NYC for her first assignment with Sara Gilbert Kelly Cutrone, who fills her in on their clients, the designers Sass & Bide. Whitney is looking kind of crazy shiny, and you'd think someone would pull her aside and slip her a Clean & Clear blotting paper, but no, instead Kelly whisks her off to meet with the designers. Maybe one of the models will help a sister out.
Sarah Jane and Heidi are the two designers for Sass & Bide, and I can see how you'd be confused what with another Heidi being thrown into the mix, but that's just this show for you. Always challenging its viewers!
FIDM: The teacher is droning on like we're watching a Peanuts holiday special, and Lauren and Stephanie take turns casting each other Looks and then whip out their phones.
Food Court: Heidi and poor, put upon Kimberley are having lunch as Heidi trills on and on about how AWESOME it is to have like three times as much closet space now. Which, really? Spencer was taking up 75% of their closet space? Or did the apartment's heart just grow three sizes the day Spencer moved out? Anyway, there's a bleep bleep, and Heidi retrieves her phone and reads the text message aloud for our benefit. Thoughtful! She Pratt just wanted to let her know that she is sitting, like omg, two seats away from Lauren in her class!!
FIDM: We cut back to Stephanie looking pensively in Lauren's direction, as Lauren thumb types a message her fave 5.
Audrina doesn't get the benefit of a location tag, but she receives the text from Lauren saying that Stephanie Pratt is in her computer class. It's a good thing there's always a second person on screen when these gals get these crucial text messages, otherwise they'd just have to do that awkward reading aloud to themselves thing. Relaying the message to someone who couldn't give less of a shit for the benefit of the viewing audience is way less uncomfortable.
NYC, Sass & Bide Fitting: Heidi of Sass & Bide claims that the skin tight leather pants/leggings that one of the size -12 models is wearing might be too racy. I'm sorry if I just don't see what's so racy about a couple of batons stuck in some black leggings, but okay. Maybe if the model even had a hint of an ass it could be racy, but as things stand, no. Definitely no. Whitney gets her moment to shine as she proclaims that the leggings shall be worn, and the designers look at her almost reverently and Whitney grins proudly. It's so dumb, and yet so endearing. And fortunately, Whitney appears to have gotten her hands on some blotting papers.
Lauren and Audrina's Apartment: Audrina comes home and GASP! I am so in love with Lauren's haircut here! I want it! They prattle on some more about how WILD and CRAZY and NOT AT ALL STAGED it was that Stephanie is in Lauren's class, but all I'm too busy searching the internet for a picture of Lauren's hair to bring my stylist to pay any more attention.
FIDM: Stephanie approaches Lauren and apologizes for yelling at Lauren at the club previously. They go back and forth apologizing and accepting apologizing and saying nothing for about 2 minutes and then Lauren thanks Stephanie for the apology and things seem to be smoothed over. This is the weirdest plotline ever, I think I buy this even less than Heidi and Spencer's pure and true, yet star crossed love.
NYC: Backstage at the Sass & Bide show. Whitney has been given an ear piece and some power and both suit her quite nicely. Someone explains the basics of sending the models down the runway, and then the show begins. The clothes are... well, let's just say I won't be Googling Sass & Bide any time soon. There's some faux drama with models going out of order, Whitney manages to hold it together, the clothes are still hideous and someone is wearing a shoulder ruff. There are a round of high fives backstage and Kelly tells Whitney that she has a meaningful voice. After yet another high five, Whitney peaces out yo.
Speidi's Apartment: Heidi and Stephanie are painting, and it looks like they are even more inept with a paintbrush and roller than I am. More talking about how Stephanie and Lauren are in the same class, and then Stephanie reveals to Heidi that she's planning to stay out of the middle of their fight. Heidi is not impressed.
Lola's: Audrina and LOOOO!! don't care if Stephanie apologized, they still don't trust her farther than they could throw her. I'm with them! This is fishy! Of course, Lauren is the Queen of Seventh Chances, so she's all, I don't know, she seems like a nice girl! Sigh. This can only end in tears.
Bolthouse: Kimberley and Heidi are walking and talking about how Stephanie is going to be friends with Lauren. This is so ridiculously juvenile. I could go into all of the reasons that Lauren is totally right to not want to be friends with Heidi, but the fact of the matter is that Heidi will never get it and she will always be the girl that molds herself to whatever guy she happens to be dating. Kimberley just really wishes she could tell Heidi how horrific her shoes are.
Stephanie's Apartment: Spencer is sitting on the couch while Stephanie digs around for dinner and they discuss the fact that his and Heidi's "relationship vacation" turned into the end. Um, according to Spencer. Then Stephanie calls Spencer "so homeless and so lame" and I can't hear the rest because I just died laughing. Okay, she might have won me over a little bit with that one.
FIDM: Lauren and Hippie Stephanie are trotting to lunch together, practically arm in arm and all besties now. Stephanie tells Lauren that Spencer doesn't trust her now because she goes to school with Lauren and being friends with Heidi. Lauren says, "He can't hate you for being a nice person, that's silly." I think Lauren is still missing the point of what it means to be Spencer Pratt. And I want to rip that stupid headband off of Stephanie's head.
And that's it for this installment of The Hills, I'll be back in two weeks and the way they're burning through these episodes, it doesn't look like my guilty pleasure will be around for much longer. Oh well, maybe the Italians will have some terrible psuedo reality show that I can become properly invested in while we're there. Until then, arrivederci, LC!
I can't tell you how much I love this stupid show too! I don't know what it is about this little rich girls and their drama but it intrigues me to no end. Thanks for the updates.
Posted by: 1218blog | April 03, 2008 at 04:13 PM
Crap, now I have to admit I love this show as well even though it's as fake as they come.
If you didn't notice, catch the re-runs where Audrina's part kept changing from side to side while she was standing in the closet talking to LC. Also what is up with people painting all made up in their sunday best???
I loathe spencer, I do. Period.
I heart LC, I did wonder about her make up, perhaps she can just rub her face on Heidi's??? That girl looks too old after they cake on all that makeup on her.
Thanks for the update. I missed the last episode.
Posted by: Abbie | April 03, 2008 at 05:44 PM
man i seriously love this show and i love your recap. i will be sure to come here first if i ever miss an episode, haha.
and heidi, gah. she's so annoying.
and how did lauren and stephanie become bffs in like two minutes? i'm so confused.
Posted by: katelin | April 03, 2008 at 10:13 PM
So I am back from Europe just in time when you are leaving for Europe. Not fair!
In the meantime I am going to catch up on all the blog posts I have missed in these past two weeks.
Have a wonderful trip to Italy, and here is hoping you get bumped to first class and miss all the crying children in the back of the plane. hehe
Posted by: Jass | April 03, 2008 at 10:23 PM
Prana is my favorite thing EVER. Its about theonly thing I miss about l.a. but oh I do love the hills. lol.
Posted by: Chelsea Talks Smack | April 05, 2008 at 07:05 PM