My struggles with depression and attempts to define myself have been pretty well documented here over the past few years. Sometimes, when I want a really surreal trip down memory lane, I just click over there on that depression category, and I read the posts that were written just over a year ago, and I feel like I'm reading about someone else's life. My method of coping with those memories has been to just completely erase 2006 and late 2005 from my mind. It was a pretty dark period in my life, and I don't really like to look back.
Lately though, I've been looking back. I've been trying to gauge what I've been feeling lately against what I was feeling then. Checking my Crazy Barometer if you will. The last thing I want to do is put Colby through the hell of an unmedicated, depressed Angela, so every morning I lick my finger and test the winds of Crazy, trying to determine if what I'm feeling is really depression rearing its ugly head once more, or just confusion.
The thing is, I don't feel like driving my car off of an overpass, I don't lay in bed crying every night, and I don't feel like a totally empty shell of a person. Yes I'm a little grumpier than usual, and yes, my patience is a little shorter than it should be, but I don't feel like it's time to start medicating my brain again. And yet, still I don't feel quite right.
Then I found this post, from almost two years ago, and it hit me. That's exactly what this is. I'm going through my Quarter Life Crisis version 2.0. I thought it was over and done with, that I had come to terms with who I am as a person, but I'm beginning to think that these little existential crises just never really stop happening. All of those things I questioned then--whether I would ever find true love, whether I would ever be a published writer, whether I really belonged in the military--have been answered. I thought that once I was married, published, and a civilian, everything would fall into place. Magically, my life would have meaning, and I would know why I was put on this earth.
Thing is though? I'm just as lost now as I was then. Only now I'm even more confused, because all this time I just thought that if I could accomplish X, Y, and Z, everything would be perfect and I would never have to question my role in life again.
But now I'm once again on the brink of unemployment, spending my afternoons trolling through job listings, waiting for something to jump out at me. Waiting to feel a pull in a certain direction. Who will I be next? What is my calling in life? What if my calling in life already happened, and I was too busy watching Dancing with the Stars to pay attention? What is wrong with me that never in my life have I had any sort of passion for a career? Sure, there's writing, but I haven't done such a great job of making a career out of that. I've always wanted three things: to be a wife, a mother, and a writer. I have two out of three of those things under my belt, and I still feel like I'm floundering.
So then I start wondering once more, am I supposed to be a mom now? If that's the only thing left that I've always wanted, is that what I'm supposed to do now? Once every two or three weeks, that starts to sound like a really great idea. It is generally after I've spent some time with a very well behaved child, or wandered aimlessly through the Target baby section. I start to feel those maternal twinges, and I think, "Yes, this is what I need." But then I spend a weekend sleeping in until 10:30, lounging on the couch all day watching America's Next Top Model marathons, planning our trip to Italy and future dream trips to Costa Rica and Paris, and I think, "No, actually, I think this is what I need. This and a Cadbury Cream Egg will do nicely, thank you."
In two years will I look back on this entry, and laugh sardonically as I hoist a baby on my hip and try to do ten loads of laundry one handed while Colby is deployed to Madrid for 6 months? How's that for your life long dream, Ang. Good job pinning all of your hopes on this! Will I ever have that lightning bolt moment where I realize, "This is IT. This is your life! Embrace it!" Or am I going to spend the rest of my life wondering what the hell I'm doing and if I left the gas on at home?
Darling, if you HAVE a baby, you won't BE the baby anymore!
(Name that quote.)
Posted by: TasterSpoon | March 25, 2008 at 06:30 PM
I too have struggled with depression and have been on meds for the past two years. I can get out of bed in the morning but it is still hard to have the motivation to get out there and live life. My advice: be kind to yourself, slow down, treat yourself to something small (a manicure, dvd, book, tea or coffee in a cafe) if you can, journal about the good and the bad, and continue to keep and eye on your moods. It is always a battle but we can fight it. I admire your openness. Many people in my life don't know about my struggles, so thank you for sharing.
Posted by: ladyl | March 25, 2008 at 07:43 PM
I'm 35 and still have those moments occasionally. Am I doing all I can to be the best me that I can be? Is this my dream job? I think ultimately you just have to learn to live in the now, and like you said, embrace the life you're living at that moment. If you don't you'll always be waiting for your life to start.
And this is just my two cents, but wait a little while to have a baby. Enjoy this time you have with Colby, because once a baby comes your lives will be a whole new kind of wonderful, but you'll never be able to recapture those days when it was just the two of you.
Posted by: Madame Queen | March 25, 2008 at 09:15 PM
It's kind of scary to stumble across someone going through the same type of crisis, continuing to search for Life's True Meaning. However, I'm searching at 50, and you're searching at 25.
What can we learn from this search for purpose?
I guess that the only advice I might have since I'm old enough to be your mother, is that no matter how old you get, you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up. So don't sweat the small stuff. Just have some fun and enjoy the here and now.
And eat more chocolate.
Posted by: Kathy | March 25, 2008 at 10:09 PM
This is why I loathe setting goals. Because once you reach them, then what?
My husband just finished up a job search (thank god), and as soon as he got the new job, more worries came. Being a grown up just sucks, doesn't it?
Posted by: slynnro | March 26, 2008 at 12:06 AM
You know - that's been my issue as of late. Where, what, how and when? Why? For what? Just.. constant questions about everything with no answer in sight..
Kinda tired of the questions. I want some answers.
..and a new job.
Posted by: Deutlich | March 26, 2008 at 12:11 AM
This post just summed me up. I really do spend too much time thinking about what I should be doing, rather than just doing it. I am a schmuck!
Posted by: Kass | March 26, 2008 at 12:53 AM
I'm with Madame Queen. I didn't stop wondering until I decided to quit my life and travel. It answered all my unanswered questions and made me realize the others weren't important. But I was 33 when I did that, so it certainly takes awhile. And I'm sure it comes back at various points in your life, depending on where life takes you.
Wait on the baby. Enjoy Colby and being a couple with Colby. As happy as I am, I wish that M and I had more time in this area as a couple - enjoying this city and making friends - because I think we'd like it alot better if we had.
You'll find your way. As my therapist used to say, it's just the peaks and valleys. You know the swing will go up soon!
hugs,
anne
Posted by: Anne | March 26, 2008 at 12:59 AM
Just sending a (((hug))) They always help for me regardless of the situation.
Posted by: Katie | March 26, 2008 at 01:43 AM
I too feel that there are days that you just can't get a handle on life. It is so hard to feel like the world is passing you by and that you may not accomplish all that you want and dream to. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. It makes me feel not so strange to know that other people are going through dark times too.
Posted by: Tipp | March 26, 2008 at 01:44 AM
This post was so honest and wonderful, really. And I mean in NO WAY to sound condescending, but I'm quite a few years older than you? And I still deal with these same issues from time to time. And as long as you can keep your grasp on things, I don't see it as a problem. I see life as a journey, and things will happen as they will. Try and enjoy the ride! and think about your honeymoon! And I'm sending a kajillion hugs!
:)
Posted by: La | March 26, 2008 at 01:51 AM
sending hugs and happy thoughts your way. because i don't think there is one right answer to this, it just has to happen. :)
Posted by: katelin | March 26, 2008 at 02:05 AM
I like Anne's therapist. I agree with the peaks and valleys. Some days I'm in the groove, and some days I just bumble around. If I'm supposed to know when I'm grown up, I certainly don't know it yet. Hang in there!
Posted by: sophie | March 26, 2008 at 02:13 AM
You know, from your comments on my blog, that for some people (like me), that questioning does go on and on...at least into your mid to late 30s. But, you get more confidence and get comfortable in other areas of your life at the same time, which makes it a little more tolerable and less torturous. I read your blog, and I feel such a connection because I think I was very much like you about some things in my twenties. (Only, you dress WAY better than I ever have. HA!)
Hang in there, girlfriend!
Posted by: Steph. | March 26, 2008 at 03:36 AM
I know that I'm a little younger than you, but I think we all find ourselves asking those questions as we reach and accomplish goals. I don't know if it gets any better, but I trust that we will one day realize, 'THIS is what I'm supposed to be doing' and be content in it.
*hugs*
Posted by: E.P. | March 26, 2008 at 03:46 AM
I go through these ups and downs all the time...and I've not only visited Crazy, I lived there for a while. While I don't think there is any one right thing to say that will make you feel better or set you on the right path, you have quite a few readers who will be here to let you vent and talk through it!
Posted by: Erin | March 26, 2008 at 04:05 AM
Hey babe, Sarah here! Gosh, I can't tell you how many times I've wondered these EXACT same things...
I think all these ladies are right. After one goal is reached, you will ALWAYS be constantly reaching for the next. That's what keeps us alive and wondering and fulfilled. I mean, I think back to grade school even. I couldn't WAIT to get to 7th grade! But then after I finished 7th grade, it was like, okay...what now? Maybe we'll never have 1 BIG purpose, but just lots of little purposes that add up...
I still haven't found a career I'm passionate about either. But I'm passionate about my friends, family, experiences, memories...at this point, I've learned to laugh more, go on more adventures, take more vacation, visit more friends, enjoy the ride and not waste a single day. Everything else has a way of always falling into place; life is too short to worry. :)
Posted by: Sarah | March 26, 2008 at 05:21 AM
Minus some of the details, I feel like this post could have been written by me. I too hate looking back and really struggle to forget things, and when a random memory pushes to the surface it just knocks the wind out of me. I often grapple with the same mid-life crisis type questions, and I wonder if my inability/refusal to look back is hindering me. Have I really learned all that I can from the past if I'm not examining it? Am I setting myself up for a repeat of the same sort of things again? I really think it's both brave and wise of you to be looking back.
In my opinion, what makes all of the existential questioning not such a good thing isn't the lack of answers (at the moment), but the possibility of it taking over your mind and not leaving room for the enjoyment of the good things in the present--which is self-defeating, considering how much harder it is to make decisions and find solutions when you're depressed. My future is totally up in the air and my personal life is sort of a mess right now, but what's helped me lately is hanging on for dear life to my cheerful moments instead of reminding myself of everything that I should be worrying about. Maybe it's a form of avoidance, but I've found that I need that little bit of avoidance to keep me sane enough to actually do something about the state of disarray that my life is in.
And the wondering about whether the depression's coming back? I do it too. Sylvia Plath said it best: "How did I know that someday - at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere - the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"
Posted by: Girl, Dislocated | March 26, 2008 at 06:40 AM
HAHA dude, breathe! I can feel your stress, just remember to take things one day at a time and remember that whatever is meant to be will happen :)
Posted by: Miriam | March 26, 2008 at 03:16 PM
in my opinion our 20s is the best time we have to figure all of this out. so stop worrying and relax (i know, i know, easier said than done)! i think it's normal to feel like you're transitioning and not completely settled or "on track" though. trust me, you're not alone.
Posted by: Michelle & the City | March 26, 2008 at 06:57 PM
I loved reading this post (and all of the comments) because it truly proves to me that I'm normal, you're normal, we're ALL normal in these thoughts. Your honesty is really refreshing.
Posted by: Katie | March 26, 2008 at 08:20 PM
Geez, now my Overboard quote seems really flip.
It's really quite wonderful, that you write so evocatively such heartfelt things on your blog, and that all these people identify with what you're experiencing. *I* feel the exact same way, and whether or not all these comments are helping YOU, they're helping ME feel like I'm not alone in wondering what to do with my life, and what the next steps are supposed to be.
I remember when my mom turned 50, we were sitting on her bed, and she confessed that all her life she was waiting for the moment when she'd feel "grown up" and know the answers. She said she felt like exactly the same person she was at 17. Maybe these mysteries are a condition of life.
Though you may feel like you're in this untethered place, the fact is that you've already made a lot of wonderful decisions that are bringing joy into your life and can anchor your future. You've married Colby, you have a beautiful place to come home to, you've clarified a little what kind of work does and doesn't fulfill you - that's a LOT to accomplish; it's WAY more than I had accomplished at your age.
I think one of our problems is that the future is SO undefined, it places a huge burden on us to shape it into something AMAZING. Previous generations didn't have the choices we do - my mom was told to study to be a teacher or a nurse "so she could support herself if her husband died." HER mother didn't even have that option. Most of human history has been a struggle for survival; this pressure to fulfill ourselves is new. It's an incredible blessing, but at the same time it's hard to be grateful for what feels like pressure not to screw it up.
Life's good. It really is. Sorry for the novel.
Posted by: TasterSpoon | March 26, 2008 at 09:11 PM
I think your life is in a bit of flux right now, and I have a spidey sense that you are happiest when things are lined up properly and you can see what's going to happen for the foreseeable future.
Right now, you can't do that because you've given notice at your job (which was a GOOD thing).
I think if you look back again at your posts back then, your life was also in flux.
You know what this means? This means that you're NOT a drama queen and that's a good thing. I used to THRIVE on change and not knowing where my life was leading next. With that comes a lot of drama.
Now, I'm someone that likes to have my life planned out as far as possible (with the exception of my hair- I like to switch that up).
I think once you're back from Italy (girlie squeal!)you'll be able to resume normalcy- just where sweet Angela likes to be.
I'd bet my (hmmmm, what am I willing to bet?) last bit of dark chocolate on it.
xo
Posted by: RisibleGirl | March 26, 2008 at 09:46 PM
Oh, wow. I don't think you ever stop looking, really, at least I hope not. I mean, I look forward to a point in time when I'm hopefully completely content with my life ... but I think if you don't have any goals then you can't grow as a person. It's good that you're testing the winds of Crazy, so to speak. Better than having them knock you down because you didn't see them coming, yeah?
Posted by: Fraulein N | March 26, 2008 at 11:43 PM
Oddly enough I just realized I may be depressed. If freaks me out and I've never been in this situation before. Most of the time I'm fine, but then there are sometimes where I just can't get out of the funk. Reading this was helpful. I'm going to read your other stuff tomorrow.
Posted by: Curlysue | March 27, 2008 at 04:27 AM
I can totally relate to these feelings and my guess is that 80% of it come from job searching. I'm sorry, but looking for a job is SOUL SUCKING. It makes you feel dumb and bored and hopeless.
A kid is probably not the answer, or at least that's what I tell myself. Just try to inject lots of happiness into your days: little treats, exercise, smootching the hubby, giving thanks for all that you have now.
~HUGS~
Posted by: janet | March 27, 2008 at 03:55 PM
As I was reading this, "Mad World" (knowin in our house as "the saddest song in the world") was playing on my streaming radio station, and all I could think was "ME TOO".
I can't say I'm in a quarter life crisis (which is good, since I barely survived the first one with my sanity intact), but I am stuck in a sort of long-term existential crisis, mostly for the exact same reasons as you. Every year I look back in my old journals and see when I said "If only my back would stop hurting, my life would be perfect", "If only I had a boyfriend, my life would be perfect", "If only I had a new job, my life would be perfect". Now I have all of those things, and I still feel like I'm floating around directionless, letting whatever my life's calling is supposed to be pass me by.
Sigh.
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | March 27, 2008 at 09:44 PM
Hi there
It's my last day at my soul-sucking corporate job and I've been thinking about a lot of these same issues. Especially since I recently discovered that my boyfriend bought a ring! (shh, its a secret)
It can be so hard to decide what to do with your life and then just DO It. But I think you have to jut make up your mind and stick with it for a while.
You've got Colby, check, you've been published, CHECK, and being a mom is great but you are still young! I struggle with this already (particularly because i spend so much time with my baby niece who i adore!) but i think it will make it even harder to feel like you've got your career goals in line if you have a baby.
I'm not saying I have more of a handle on this shit - i'm in therapy and on anti-depressants and about to be unemployed - but i do know that since i decided to just DO IT. to apply to grad school programs, to learn to become a teacher, and just give it a shot - i have been much more content.
i get scared sometimes, i worry that i won't be a good teacher, or that it won't make me happy, and that i'll want to quit.
But just knowing that I've committed to giving it my best effort. that i've committed to this goal, to this plan i made as a child. just having the commitment is enough for now.
I think if you want to be a writer then you just have to commit to it. just commit. if you have to have deadlines to be productive, then take a class somewhere (i promise once you're paying for it, you do the work!)
Find a writer's workshop or something, you'll be okay.
Pursue the writing, love on Colby, and commit.
You'll be fine!
Posted by: Meg | March 28, 2008 at 06:04 PM