When I was single, everyone was asking me if there was "anyone special" in my life. When I was dating, everyone was asking about "the big question". When I was engaged, everyone was asking about wedding plans and where our honeymoon would be. Now that I'm married, I'm somewhat shocked to find that all of those cliches about baby pressure are surprisingly true.
It's only been two months since the wedding, and I've already had multiple people ask me if I am pregnant (because I was home sick with a stomach bug), whether I wanted to have kids soon, and when Colby and I were planning to start a family. It seems as though everywhere I turn people are pregnant, having babies, or trying to get pregnant. If one day could go by that I didn't have to think about BABIES, I would be a blissfully happy girl.
And a lot of the conflict I'm feeling stems from the fact that I do want babies. If I woke up tomorrow and found out that I was pregnant, it wouldn't be the devastating discovery that it would have been five years ago. I do want a family and I do want to eventually be a stay at home mom. But while there are some days that I feel like, "Hey, babies sure are super cute, maybe that would be fun!" those days are by far outweighed by the days that I feel like, "Hey, babies sure are super cute, thank God I don't have one of those to deal with right now!"
I don't know why I'm feeling so overwhelmingly pressured about this. It isn't as though my mom or Colby's mom is calling multiple times a week asking whether they'll get to meet their grandchildren before they die. Colby seems perfectly happy with our mutual decision to wait until at least our next assignment before introducing miniature people into the world. And for chrissake, did I mention yet that we've only been married for two months??
The only conclusion I can reach is that this pressure is spawned by my ridiculously competitive nature, which OH MY GOD, is not a reason to have kids. I don't feel like I need to compete with other people specifically, but with Mother Nature and convention. It's like the mentality of an 19th century Jane Austen heroine has been embedded in my brain. I have my education, I've dabbled in the world outside of my parents' house, I've found my Captain Wentworth, and now it's time to start popping out babies. I want to be the best at what I do, and if that means having babies is the customary next step after getting married, my brain is screaming at me to get busy woman, we don't have all day here!
On top of that, I have this horrible and unfounded fear that when we do decide to start trying for a baby, we'll find out that one or the other of us is not so well equipped in the fertilization department. And what if it's too late at that point to do anything about it? And then I spend the rest of my days wondering why I spent so much of my life trying SO HARD not to get pregnant when I could have been more effectively using my time.
(Right now, Colby is screaming into his pillow in terror.)
But the thing is, I want to be able to decide at the drop of the hat that I want to see the Vegas strip. I want to be able to spend my money on frivolous shoes that I really, REALLY don't need and a new party dress that I'm sure to find an occasion to wear. I want to be able to go out and get deliciously drunk and not worry about finding a babysitter. I want to use our spare room as the exercise room, or guest room, or office, not as the nursery. I don't want to spend my days listening to a screaming baby, disciplining a mischievous toddler, or grounding a rebellious teenager. I don't want to get fat.
I know that I'm not ready for babies, so why is it that they invade my every thought? Please tell me that this is perfectly normal and this too shall pass. And how do I know when I really am ready to have a baby or when it's just a passing fancy that I will totally be over in a matter of days?
I swear. If there is absolutely nothing going on in my life to angst over, I will turn anything into a total drama fest, won't I?
I TOLD you the baby stuff was true. Except in my case it comes from my mother-in-law. I'm thinking my mom won't start whining till you have a baby, so in my opinion, you've got all the time in the world! Take some more time to be just married! There really is no rush, so screw convention. The 18th century wasn't that great--those women gave birth without drugs, remember that.
Posted by: shani | January 25, 2008 at 09:15 PM
Sweetie. Take a deep breath and step away from the computer. Now. Another deep breath. Now, repeat after me: "I'm young. Waaaaaaay younger than Wordnerd. I have plenty of time." Another deep breath. Relax.
We were married eight years before we had kids. And I had an awesome wardrobe. Believe me, you'll know when you're ready. And don't let anyone else be the one to tell you when you are!
(((HUG)))
Posted by: wordnerd | January 25, 2008 at 09:20 PM
I know it sounds like a cliche, but I think you'll know it when you're ready. Your frame of mind and thinking will change (you'll actual care about your fertile days and all that stuff).
You have plenty of time. Forget about what you think you should do and go enjoy the hell out of life with your new husband! Go ahead and book that trip to Vegas ;)
Posted by: Sassafras | January 25, 2008 at 10:05 PM
i agree with sass. i think you just know. i don't think wanting new shoes or independence or free time ever really goes away when you become a parent either. i just think you have a better grasp of priorities when it happens :)
Posted by: Michelle & the City | January 25, 2008 at 10:44 PM
I probably shouldn't bother commenting, because I won't be much help as I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. However, there is also a part of me that is very much looking foward to just being married, traveling the world [something else I've been wanting since as far back as I can remember] and just being. With that said, I do think you'll know when the time is right for you and Colby to move on from spontaneous trips, big shoe purchases, high levels of alcohol intake and home renovations to diapers, toys and being responsible for a miniature person :) As for me, well, I'm lucky to be surrounded by SO many cute, wonderful little children that I get my fix and then get to back to my 'normal' life! That and I still need to find a husband, haha
Posted by: Caro | January 25, 2008 at 11:35 PM
I just wrote about the Baby Pressure on my blog. I don't want kids, and I'm not sure what is worse because if you want them people are all "why not now?" and if you don't, they're like "why not ever!?" people should just shut the eff up.
I would imagine if I wanted kids, I would think about it a lot even if I weren't ready because I'd perpetually ponder the "Are we ready yet" question.
Posted by: slynnro | January 26, 2008 at 12:50 AM
It seems like our society is always putting unnecessary pressures on woman. It is totally unfair. I know the feeling. I get asked at least twice a day when my boyfriend and I are going to get married. I just laugh and say never. That usually shuts them up. I wouldn't worry about it. Enjoy the "honeymoon" phase for a while.
Posted by: 1218Blog | January 26, 2008 at 01:07 AM
it's just the Next Thing, isn't it? so people are interested and of course you're thinking about it. one day you'll be like, "ok, that'd be cool" and your husband will be all, "are you crazy?" (was that just me?) and then you'll have babies and you'll still want to go to vegas and buy cute shoes. you just won't have any money to spend at vegas and nowhere to wear the cute shoes. and by then you'll say to yourself "it's worth it!" and believe it too.
Posted by: maggie | January 26, 2008 at 05:13 AM
you're totally normal. this too shall pass.
and when people ask when you're having a baby, just tell them you are still practicing ;)
Posted by: janet | January 26, 2008 at 06:03 AM
I had a friend tell me that she's still too interested in buying shoes than diapers. And I think that explains everything. One day we'll wake up with an overwhelming urge to have kids and that's it.
Also-hi, we're the same person what witht he freaking out about being infertile and being mad at the wasted money and time of our birth control over the years!
Also-I had been registered on TheKnot.com and the day after I got married I started getting emails form TheNest.com. That's just mean!
Posted by: Miriam | January 26, 2008 at 03:02 PM
O good lord. You are, alas, normal. I think this is just one of those things we women have to deal with, whether we want kids or not. There are all these expectations other people have of us, which lead to all these goofy expectations we have of ourselves. We all need to just ... chill.
(And if you figure out how to do it, let me know, wouldja? :-) Talk about being in my head...)
Posted by: Fraulein N | January 26, 2008 at 05:44 PM
Fortunately, The Old Warrior and I have Gunner and Alayna to hold us over until you and Colby make your decision. Aren't you glad that you have an older sister who decided to take the pressure off? Poor Colby -- the pressure is on for him though!
Posted by: T | January 26, 2008 at 07:16 PM
I announced that I hated children and would not be having any, often, at the beginning of our relationship. This was cruel to do to my poor husband's mother, but there has been no pressure what with everyone knowing my opinion.
I actually don't hate kids as much as I say I do. But I do NOT want those incredibly nosy and inappropriate comments/questions, as good-intentioned as they may be.
Meanwhile, we're looking into a bigger house and traveling to Norway. Babies will be post-Norway, at the very least.
(Tip: stay AWAY from thenest.com, it feeds the stereotype that woman must want to quick have babies as soon as the wedding planning is done, and the pressure is horrid.)
Posted by: Cat | January 26, 2008 at 11:27 PM
AND - what they haven't told you, is that after you DO have a baby, the next thing you are constantly asked is "When & if you are going to have ANOTHER baby?"
Thank goodness we have Britney Spears - "When's she going to pop out baby #3? ha!
Love you - Shelley
Posted by: Shelley | January 28, 2008 at 06:37 AM
I'm with you on this one, I have no idea when I'll be ready for that. I would assume that after we get married, I would be more at ease with introducing little people. I love kiddos, don't get me wrong, but I love my freedom and quiet nights too.
So when are you two getting married? What about kids, you know so and so had their third child already, nevermind they have hard time taking care of those children financially, but when are you going to have a baby? Like it's some kind of accessory!
Ugh people.
I say, you will know when you and Colby are ready. Either by mother nature, or some definite planning. :-)
Posted by: Jass | January 28, 2008 at 02:46 PM
I think your fears are completely normal - I have them, too. I spent 32 years being emphatically anti-baby, and then all of the sudden, my womb started getting cranky. And I feel like when the time comes? I'm going to be too old. But it's totally normal. And don't cave to the pressure! Do it when you're ready. This is your life - you and Colby - and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
:)
Posted by: La | January 28, 2008 at 07:43 PM
That is so odd that people are asking you that question already, though I guess I'm not surprised. People's nosiness never ceases to amaze me. And besides, you're still pretty young to be starting a family! All the things you describe of why you're not ready are the same for me,and that's why I just dont' think that's the path for me, even if I do get married.
Posted by: Becky | January 28, 2008 at 08:06 PM
Well, a little personal experience for you. The sister-in-law started the pressure for us by getting pregnant 5 months after they were married. We made a mutual decision to start trying a few years after marriage because we felt it was the right time. We were the very last of our friends to be childless, but that didn't even influence our decision. We experienced 2 years of infertility (which I never even concidered, so you are a step ahead of me!) and now, as you know, we've been blessed. Luckily, we didn't have to use any medical intervention, but there are SO many options out there today. So fear of fertility shouldn't even affect your decision. Take your time, enjoy your marriage, enjoy your home, enjoy your dogs, enjoy your "freedom"....I keep telling myself that it's not the end of our life, it's just the beginning of our new life.
Posted by: Kendra | January 30, 2008 at 07:30 PM
This is a good reminder to me to lay off the pressure to Cam and Casey. I'm constantly saying, "5,000.00 to the first one to produce me a grandaughter!"
I'm half joking.
Sorta....
I had both boys by the time I was 21. While I enjoy being this young and not having kids at home, I wouldn't recommend having kids at such a young age. I really missed out on a lot of things.
Still, no regrets.
Posted by: RisibleGirl | February 08, 2008 at 07:06 PM