I knew that moving across the country and combining houses with my fiance would be a huge adjustment. I knew that separating from the Air Force and finding a new job in a new place would be a challenge. I knew that the stress of planning a wedding would probably get to me.
What I did not know is that giving up the name you've had for a quarter of a century and taking on a new one would be so incredibly difficult.
Not long ago Fraulein N asked me whether I would be changing my name or not. Just a year ago, my answer would have been a resounding, "YES!" Today my answer is still yes, but it's much more hesitant and conflicted in it's tone.
I've never doubted that when I got married I would do the traditional thing and take on the name of my husband. There were a lot of reasons for this--my maiden name has caused me nothing but grief when it comes to filling out forms or doing anything else which requires me to give someone my last name, someday when we have children I want us to all have the same last name for our family unit, and then there's just the fact that it's traditional. It's what's done. And I am a fairly traditional girl through and through.
But I didn't realize how traumatic it would be to lose that silly little name that's been with me my whole life. It makes me sad because after my generation is dead and gone, our family name will stop with us. It makes me sad because all of the things that I've accomplished in my life have been as "Angela K". Not to mention the fact that I've completely forgotten how cursive works and cannot for the life of me sign my new name without it looking like the work of a six year old on a sugar high.
I'm continuing to go by my maiden name until the week after Christmas, when I'll visit the social security office to have my name officially changed. It's sort of like a mourning period I'm going through right now, giving myself a little more time with the name that has always caused me frustration before I bid it a fond adieu. I've thought about keeping the "K" as a middle name, but I really love the middle name I was given at birth, and having four names to keep straight just seems like inviting complications. I've tried using my new name socially, but until I get it legally changed, it just feels like I'm lying to people.
I did decide that for the story that should be published in the next few weeks and any possible future publications, I'm going to use the name "Angela K. B.". I feel like I'm ready to let go of my name in all aspects except for that one. The seven year old Angela K. dreamed of seeing her name in print someday, and I'm not willing to let her down.
So am I totally crazy and way over thinking this? Is it really just a name, and I need to wind the heck down? Or did other people out there go through this same adjustment period? I'm so excited about being Colby's wife, and I'm so glad that we are a family now, but I don't want to ever forget that before anyone came along and swept me off my feet, I was my mother and father's daughter.
I just like the fact that you did give it some thought, and that you have actual reasons for making the change. I find it weird when people just blindly make a decision which is kind of a big deal, really.
That's sweet, that you want little seven-year-old Angela to see her name in print. So cute, and I totally get it.
Posted by: Fraulein N | December 07, 2007 at 12:52 AM
My brother was going to take his wife's name because her parents had no sons...ahem, thats OBE now that they're not together. I think its a good thing to consider and that you should keep it as a pen name just as you're doing :) I'm going in the opposite direction and am torn whether I should change mine back--and lose the last bit of that history.
Posted by: Kate | December 07, 2007 at 01:02 AM
I'm de-lurking to tell you that you are not crazy. I went through the same exact thing and a year and a half into marriage, I am still missing my maiden name at times. My old name was difficult to pronounce and spell and my new name is so much easier, but there are still times when I feel like I have lost my identity. I don't regret taking my husband's name, but there are still times when I string all my names together (even if it's not official) because I am proud of the name I used to have.
Janet in PA
Posted by: Janet | December 07, 2007 at 01:17 AM
No matter how you change your name, I don't care if you change it to Princess Consuela Bannana Hammock, you will always be a Kriger. I think you'll be surprised after you change your name how much Kriger will still be a part of your life.
Of course I'm not married and have no experience in this matter and I'm sure when I do I'll be freaking out ever more than you are. :)
Posted by: Sharon | December 07, 2007 at 04:03 AM
I struggled with this, too. There aren't many people with my maiden name left and so I dropped my middle name (which is Lynn, how many Jennifer Lynns are there on Earth? A LOT.) and did the maiden name as middle name thing. I like the sound of your pen name, it has a good ring to it!
Posted by: Jenn | December 07, 2007 at 04:25 AM
Back when I thought I was getting married to my now-ex, this was an important issue to me. I was ADAMANTLY set on keeping my name. I realize that may have something to do with the fact that I knew in my heart he was jerk, but even now that I know I won't be getting married anytime in the near future, I still feel strongly about it. If I ever get married, I might hyphenate my maiden name with my married name. Using your name as an example: Angela Maiden Name-New Last Name. It doesn't look like much of a difference, but for me the hyphen would put me more at ease... assure me that since the names are connected, my maiden name can't be left out and forgotten.
I hope it's not too forward of me to ask, and not that this should be the deciding factor, but what does Colby think? (Just being nosy and curious)
Posted by: Girl, Dislocated | December 07, 2007 at 06:14 AM
I didn't even think about it. I didn't want our kids to have a hyphenated name, plus my maiden name is AWFUL. I was so looking forward to getting rid of it.
But, years later, I sometimes I wish I'd kept it around. My new name is not the name I wanted to see in lights, plus it makes people think I'm a whole different ethnicity! I'd still make the same decision, but it is something I think about from time to time.
Posted by: maggie | December 07, 2007 at 06:56 AM
You are so not crazy - when I got married it took me almost a year to change everything from my passport to my liscence as I was so connected to my maiden name. I am an author and I am pubished under my maiden name - and as you said, my family's heratige stops with me so I felt completely conflicted. I always knew I would change my name - I just never knew it would be so hard.
Posted by: princess extraordinaire | December 07, 2007 at 03:17 PM
I did not change my name when Sweetheart and I got married. I asked how he felt about it and he said he didn't care. I had been Sophie Redhead for 41 years, and I didn't want to add anything new to my "to do" list. I have been amazed at how strongly people here in (very conservative) Houston have reacted. I actually had someone say, "You love him enough to sleep with him--love him enough to take his name." This was someone who I had known for 3 days. In Atlanta, it was fairly common not to take the name of one's husband. We are not going to have kids together, and his ex-wife still uses his name. It is not a simple thing for everyone, I'm glad you have given yourself some transition time.
Posted by: sophie | December 07, 2007 at 03:57 PM
In the end, it is just a name. You are still you.
That said, I am still having trouble adjusting to my new name. (Which makes me sound like an inverted candy bar, btw.) I kept my maiden name as my middle name. There's just so much history there (on both my maternal and paternal side) and DH doesn't even know who his great grandparents were. I couldn't get rid of that history, completely.
Posted by: Cat | December 07, 2007 at 05:10 PM
When I got married, I struggled with it as well, esp. since I thought his last name was even more difficult than mine and my first name honestly sounded better with my maiden name. But even if I get married a second time, I like the idea of having the same last name, even if we don't have kids, so I'll probably change it again (esp. since Ted's last name is so easy). Hyphenating is too long for me and it's confusing to others. No one really knows what to actually call you.
Posted by: Becky | December 07, 2007 at 08:21 PM
You are so NOT overthinking this. I get each and every point.
I took my first husband's name and gave it right back after the divorce. The only real accomplishments I had with that name are my two sons. ;)
I have had my maiden name for ummmm 32 years give or take. All of my professional accomplishments (and high school pranks)are linked to that name.
I know for sure that I'll take BJ's last name after I retire in 7 years and 1.5 months (not that I'm counting), but have toyed with doing it sooner. My last name is now only really important to me because of my career.
Posted by: RisibleGirl | December 13, 2007 at 06:07 AM
i don't think it's just a name. i can completely understand not wanting to let it go, it's a piece of you. i like the idea of keeping it when you publish stories so you can still see your maiden name in all its glory!
Posted by: michelle | December 16, 2007 at 07:14 PM
yeah, it's really hard, isn't it!!!!!!
I basically feel the same way. I recommend just letting yourself feel like it's a "process" and it's okay to take as much time as you need to adjust. I am still adjusting!
Posted by: janet | December 21, 2007 at 09:06 PM