So Worn Down

I think this year has finally caught up with me--leaving my job, moving across the country, setting up a house, finding a job, planning a wedding--I've run out of energy.  Everything that has happened in the past 10 months is something that I would choose to do again and again, but I've just kept powering through everything and I don't feel like I can keep powering on anymore.

I'm so happy with the job that I have--it's enjoyable, but not demanding, I work with great people, and the pay for what I do is pretty astounding.  What I'm not happy with, at all, is the commute.  It was nice at first, and admittedly, the train is pretty great here.  It's fairly quiet in the mornings, I'm always able to get there in time to find a seat, it's clean, I can sleep without worrying that someone is going to steal my bag, and most importantly, it allows me to avoid the nightmare of rush hour traffic in Seattle.  With all of those great things being said, it's getting harder and harder to spend 3 hours of my day on a commute.  It's bad enough to wake up at 6:15 each morning, but to wake up at 6:15 and know that I won't be home for another 12 hours just sucks.

I know that some people have careers that demand far more from them than 12 hours a day, and they're happy and fulfilled and uncomplaining.  But I hate getting home at 6:30, eating dinner, watching tv for a couple of hours and passing out on the couch by 10 o'clock.  I hate that I leave the office at 10 to 5:00 knowing that no matter how quickly the train moves or how light the traffic is on the way home, I won't be walking through my door for another hour and a half.  I'll admit it to anyone that asks--my career is not the focus of my life.  I only work because it pays the bills, not because of any personal fulfillment it gives me.  I love to be at home with Colby, with the dogs watching our terrible television shows and running errands.

In those few hours when I am at home, and not asleep, I watch the laundry pile up in our closet, the dishes pile up in the sink, the dust coating the furniture, the clumps of dog hair on the floor, and I just can't keep up with it.  I always think I'll be able to take care of it on the weekends, but I only manage to make the tiniest dent, and by Monday evening it seems as though everything has reverted to the way it was.  I don't work out anymore because it's so dark and cold by the time I get home and I barely have the energy to wash a plate, never mind run for 45 minutes, and I know that I've lost all of the progress I made over the summer.

I can't even bring myself to get excited about Christmas.  I've spent the last week trying to figure out gifts for people, because there was just no room in my brain for those kinds of decisions over the past few months.  Now that we have our wedding pictures from the photographers I can do our Christmas cards, but the thought of addressing all of those envelopes overwhelms me.  We haven't decorated the house, I haven't mailed a single gift, and I've listened to a grand total of 20 minutes of Christmas music.  I feel like such a Grinch.

The days feel like they've gotten unbearably short--it seems like the sun has set by 4:30 every day--and I'm so, so tired of being cold.  I've been fighting some kind of sickness or another off ever since we got back to Washington, and the germs and the exhaustion have finally got their claws into me.  My stomach has been churning for the past two days, my throat is sore, I have a perpetual headache, and all I want to do is sleep until the Spring.

I honestly don't know if this is really just a matter of me needing a break or if depression is once again starting to slither its way back into my life.  All I know is that I just want to wake up and feel rested for one day.  I want to be able to stay alert past 9:30 pm, and I want the crankiness and the apathy to go away.  I want to be excited about Christmas and my birthday and I want to stop feeling so overwhelmed by life and dreading waking up in the morning every night when I go to sleep.

Comments

[Operation Pink Herring]

It seems totally normal and understandable that you feel worn down, with all that's been going on. I feel the same way about housework. I feel like I'm constantly working at just keeping the house one notch above filthy, and no matter how much I do, I can't keep up. Then I blow up at Joel for not helping more, when really he's doing all he can since he's out of the house from 5am-9pm most days working 2 jobs.

I hate winter. Walking out of the office and seeing a black sky is so depressing.

[Brittany]

Don't they call that, like, seasonal affective disorder or something? basically winter depression. I mean, you aren't really used to Winter... not real Winter anyway. And isn't it the further north you are, the sooner it gets dark? I don't know, maybe I'm really way off base on all of this... but it's been a lot of changes for you... in a very short amount of time. And maybe a bit of post wedding depression too? It happens! Love you!

[Sharon]

I'm realizing that no one probably warned you of how depressing the weather can be in the north during this time of year. You are a Southern girl and this is a huge adjustment. I would not be surprised if you are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. You might want to visit the doctor and they can help you out.

Hugs!

[Caro]

Just sending huge hugs! I agree with all of the above, you have had so many huge adjustments in your life over the past year, it's no wonder you are feeling worn down. I'll be praying for you and I'm here if you ever need to talk. Love ya!

[La]

Considering everything you've been through this past year? I'd say you probably just need a break. And I'm so glad to see that someone else works just to pay the bills. My focus has always been home life, and I know exactly how that feels. Something that helped our stress levels by leaps and bounds, though? We hired a cleaning person. She comes every other week, $50 each time, and it's just one less thing we had to worry about. And it is SO worth it. Hang in there! Many many hugs!
:)

[wordnerd]

Before I even read the other comments, I thought immediately of Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's gloomy this time of year, despite the twinkling lights and decorations. In fact, I find the lights and decorations bring me down more -- possibly because I am so overwhelmed by what they represent. Christmas is a lot more difficult when you are an adult and the happiness is provided by you, not for you. Take a deep breath, go find some sunshine somewhere, and know that you're not alone. You have had an incredible year, and while most of it was exciting and wonderful, it came with a lot of stress.

Take care -- of YOU.

[Dawn]

Three hours of commuting a day sucks, and it will definitely wear you down. I had that when I first moved out to Chicago, and I was always, always exhausted. I moved after a year to make my commute shorter, so I don't know if it gets any better or not with time, but I am feeling your pain. Hopefully once we get through the worst of winter and days start getting longer again that'll help you. (I certainly have days where I get home at 6 p.m. after a long day and my brain goes, "It's dark! Bedtime!" Hate the short days of winter. Hate.)

[maggie]

It sounds like exactly what you say it is, plus some craptastic Pacific Northwest SAD AND, I swear, your commute would kill me. KILL ME. I honestly don't know how you do it. If we moved to the burbs P would have a very similar commute (perhaps you have seen him on the train!) and that's so very very late.

But yeah, it's hard not to let the dark get you down this time of year. Too much to do and not enough day time to do it. Thinking of you.

[Cat]

Oooh, I feel your pain. I almost killed myself when I was driving an hour+ each way, for a while. Yech.

And, for what it's worth, I had a bit of a let-down after the wedding, too. I exhausted, and I think I just didn't realize how much stress had built up, beforehand and I wasn't able to let go of it completely, right away. I'm in a much happier (more relaxed) place, now, just a couple months later! :-)

Also- I totally second getting a housekeeper. We don't have one, but my sister-in-law does, and she works 12+ hours a lot. And she says she has to buy her time back. IE- use the money she's earning to work those hours to get things done that she would otherwise do herself.

[Bre]

I'd say that the weather may have some impact, and also coming down off of the wedding "high"

[Becky]

Wow, I didn't realize that your commute was that long door-to-door. I'm pretty fortunate that mine's only about 40 minutes, though admittedly, I live only three miles from my office. I had a commute like that when I first graduated and it wore me down as well and then I moved closer, fortunately.

I hope you're feeling better soon! I think you've just had a crazy year and I've heard it's pretty normal for brides to get sick -- they just wear themselves down. My Ex and I got sick on our honeymoon and it was awesome, let me tell you.

[Girl, Dislocated]

First of all, I have to say that I would resent spending 3 hours of my day commuting, too. Those are 3 hours that could otherwise be quality time spent doing things you enjoy, being with people you care about, relaxing, and getting non-work related things done. I don't know that much about your situation or your job, so I might be way off base suggesting this, but maybe it's worth it to try to find a job closer to you?

Every year around this time I wonder if I'm getting depressed again too, and I hope that's not the case for either of us. It sounds like there was enough going on in your life to tire ANYONE out. It's easier said than done, but try not to put too much unnecessary pressure on yourself--if the Christmas cards are late, so be it. If anyone happens to forget the fact that you've been incredibly busy with the wedding and your new life, the picture on the card will remind them. Maybe consider hiring someone to clean, even if it's just once or twice during this extremely busy and stressful period in your life. If you don't feel like decorating, don't. Or hire some of the young kids in your family to be your personal decorators for the holidays. I don't know if any of that made sense, but my point is just try to take care of yourself as much as possible--at least until things settle down a little.

And if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me! :) {Hugs}

[sophie]

Though I am lots older, I made those same changes almost 2 years ago. I attributed it all to those stressors. When I finally realized that I had "blown out" my mental health circuits and rearranged my antidepressants, everything was much better. Certainly give yourself some time to "mellow," but don't hesitate to return to the crazy doc if you need to. No need to suffer unnecessarily.

Many people are posting about this the past few days. Dooce's post today was brutally honest.

Hang in there!

[RisibleGirl]

There are SO many reasons you could be feeling this way- and add them up together and it makes for a real funky (not in a good way) mood. I think you're just good and tired.

Don't do anything special for the holidays. It's not going to be the same for you because you're away from your mom and dad. I'll make it special for you when you guys come to my place, so you'll have a little bit of Christmas. From what your mom has told me about your family, I think my family is going to seem verrrrrrrrryyyyyyy familiar to you. ;)

I'm going to email you at work tomorrow. I'm going to be taking a later train (going in tomorrow- can you believe it?), so if you're on the 5ish train, maybe we can meet up and have a little chatsky on the way home.

...and then maybe meet up for coffee or something next week. I haven't been very attentive to my pretend daughter lately. I'm sure that will change after the holidays.

xoxoxo to infinity, sweet thing.

[M]

Hey sweetie- hang in there! You've had a lot of high stress events going on this year...

My mom used to get depressed every winter even in Hawaii because she grew up in a very hot, dusty place and my hometown is like the 3rd rainiest city in the country. Basically, you just don't see sun from November through maybe like March because it's always raining.

SOOOOO there are people who were affected by a lot less of a drastic change. It might be worth following up with the doc.

[Lisa]

After our wedding, I was just a little bit depressed. Maybe it's that? But I know how you feel about the mounting piles of dishes, laundry, etc. Ours is definitely depressing, too. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you cheer up soon. :|

[Fraulein N]

Aw. I think it's a combination of a bunch of crap hitting you all at once. Hope you get the break you need soon. Even something as simple as taking a "Mental Health Day" once in a while and doing absolutely NOTHIN' can help.

[tasterspoon]

I feel the same way, 100%, and *I* haven't been through all the life upheaval and excitement and mood fluctuations that have probably been swinging you all over the map. Of COURSE you're drained! You totally need time to recover - an "off season" if you will - to build up your energy stores. Like everybody says, go easy on yourself.

I feel lucky that I have a window and can see the day pass, otherwise I'd feel like the world was never light. Can you get out at lunchtime?

Here are all the things I can think of that supposedly improve your mood:
light
exercise
scents of roses and I think grapefruit
being social (even if you're not)
upbeat music

Also, much as you don't want to (I KNOW, I feel the same), exercising a little WILL improve your mood and energy level. If you (and a coworker?) could go for a run or a walk for 20 min at lunchtime, that would kill 3 birds (sunshine + exercise + social).

The sun IS setting at 4:30 btw. And you're further north than I am.

And your commute is killer. No getting around that. Hopefully you can sleep or read something pleasurable so it's not a total waste? Write letters to friends? Knit? I'm reaching here.

RisibleGirl's "funky (not in a good way) mood" made me laugh.

[L]

Winter is HORRIBLE in the north; my only solution during college (in the Midwest, mind you) was to go to a tanning salon once every week or so to get my burst of sunlight. Not great for the skin, but it worked wonders on the psyche. You can also try light therapy (more recommended by doctors, etc.: http://www.fullspectrumsolutions.com/light_therapy_13_ct.htm).

Personally, I think you're probably just in that post-wedding letdown--you spent almost a year planning this AMAZING social event and you're now married to the love of your life, so what next?! Precisely the reason that you need to just hang on until January; we have to resume our project!!

[Anonymous G]

(((((Angela)))))

Good advice and insights...!

I agree with all these wise people.
And there's more. In your inbox.

xo