Last night I went for pizza and beer to say goodbye to a friend and coworker with a large group of folks from work. After dinner, I went with the girls for chocolate creme brulee and martinis at a wonderful little downtown restaurant that we frequent.
As I sat on the porch of the restaurant in the dark with the light of the candles flickering across our faces, giggling about boys, tasting other girls drinks, complimenting each others hair styles, it hit me. I've somehow managed to form a group of girlfriends.
And that scares the ever living crap out of me.
I've always been very protective of myself, preferring a few close friends to large groups of people with whom I just "hang out". I've always had girlfriends, but I've always found it difficult to let my guard down enough to form extremely close bonds. Over time I've managed to aquire quite a few women in my life that I can truly say I love and would do anything for, and I feel that the loyalty is returned. But it's taken almost 24 years to find all of these "kindred spirits", and they're spread all across the country. There have been a few times in my life where I've been friends with a coven group of girls, and it always seems to end badly for someone.
In early highschool my best friend for practically as long as I can remember introduced me to a friend that she'd made in 8th grade while I was stumbling clumsily through my freshman year. The three of us immediately clicked and for close to a year had an intense bond of "best friendship". And, as if you can't imagine where this is going, eventually the nature of young, insecure highschool girls came out and it became a 2 against 1 scenario that almost lost me one of the closest friends I've ever had. Luckily, in time I realized that I was being manipulated and was able to save the friendship and got to stand at the head of the aisle and watch a friend, who I consider a sister, marry the love of her life.
Later in highschool, I formed another friendship with two girls who had been friends long before I was in the picture. One of the girls eventually became jealous and bitter that I was trying to "steal her friend" away, and pretty soon it was three friends down to two again when she decided that we were just stupid preppy bitches.
Then, in college, I roomed with an old highschool friend and another random girl that had been assigned to our dorm. We started out three best bud roommates--taking late night trips to IHOP together, going to the football games, hanging out on the parade grounds and gabbing about our boyfriends, but before long they had turned against me for reasons I still to this day don't understand, and I spent most of that year at Colby's apartment hiding from my scary roommates.
After all of those experiences piled up one after another, I pretty much swore that I was done allowing myself to get close to large groups of girls because I was so tired of all of the drama and competition that went along with it. I feel like I'm older and more mature now, and maybe this shouldn't be so worrisome for me, but as nice as all these girls have seemed for the past couple of months I just fear that as I get to know them better the claws will come out and I'll be back in highschool again with no clue who I can really trust and who is just wearing a mask.
And this, my friends, is why I really prefer to be friends with boys. On top of the fairly uncomplicated relationships, they usually end up insisting to pay for lunch when you go out together. What's not to love about that?
I really get you on this one. Girls are totally scary. I've been kind of like you, with my closest girlfriends who I never feel would stab me in the back being in another city. I have girlfriend here, but it doesn't always feel safe like it does with them.
I've been very disappointed in girl friendships around my neighborhood and in social groups since we've lived here. I am older than you and I can tell you that it only gets better in that you're less likely to put up with the crap for as long as when you were younger.
And, it sound like we had similar college experiences too. Mine wasnt' a roommate, but a pack of girlfriends from my freshman year who decided to shut me out for unknown reasons. It's always bothered me not knowing why either.
Too bad we don't live closer. It sounds like we'd get along!
Posted by: Steph. | August 09, 2006 at 07:34 PM
Girls are scary, throw rocks at them
Posted by: pete | August 09, 2006 at 09:16 PM
I know exactly how you feel! Geez, this was almost like reading about my own high school/college experiences . . . although yours didn't end with a mandatory psychological evaluation that revealed that I am, in fact, normal, if only a little high-strung . . .
Posted by: Airhead | August 09, 2006 at 10:53 PM
Completely relating to you on this. My best friend is a man. Although men are competitive they aren't generally so in a way that is spiteful which I find some women will gravitate towards. I do have female friends but they are very strong independent types and although I can call them up anytime and talk like we just saw one another at lunch they tend to live out of state.
Posted by: Grins | August 10, 2006 at 12:42 AM
Don't run and hide, Ang... You're a big girl. It's not high school anymore.
I have girlfriends in my life now that I've had since my school days...and some from my 20s..and some from my 30s..and so on.
I treasure my girlfriends. Each and every one of them is special and precious to me. Not once have they betrayed me.
I LOVE my girlfriends...
You're a grown up now! It's ok! Please don't be afraid of girls.....
Posted by: Anonymous G | August 10, 2006 at 01:18 AM
okay, i definitely got a little teary there for a minute.
anyway, yes, girls suck. i actually have fewer girlfriends now than i did in high school. i've thinned the herd to just the bestest ones.
Posted by: shani | August 10, 2006 at 06:10 AM
I linked here from dooce and I have to say that I agree with you. Even as you get married and get into motherhood, the crap doesn't change. Then you have more shit to put up with "well my husband...." "well my kid.." you get the picture. But what i have learned is that I have gotten better at weeding out the bitches and be able to stand up for my self, or my family and move on. and I have made some fantastic friends along the way who are sick of the same bullshit. But no one will ever compare to those few girls who you know will be in your life, your whole life long. If you have friends like that, you are blessed.
Posted by: Miss Valerie Jean | August 10, 2006 at 03:59 PM
I like Pete's response!
Posted by: wordnerd | August 10, 2006 at 05:32 PM
I love my girlfriends, and I love girlfriend weekends. BUT, I can't see any of my girlfriends at my bedside when I'm dying, ya know? And they don't know all of my secrets. My only true-true-true girlfriend is my sister.
Don't know why I keep friends at arms length- but I do. That's why I do better with guys. The relationship is more superficial and I'm more comfortable with that for some reason.
Even though most of my gal pal relationships are superficial they are a helluva lot of fun. ;)
Posted by: RisibleGirl | August 11, 2006 at 04:48 PM
Wow, I could have written the comment above mine. I love spending time with women...in short amounts. My sister is my true best friend, and I trust her completely. My best friends don't know about my blog. I don't even get along with men better, I think I just prefer to be by myself!
Posted by: Nap Queen | August 11, 2006 at 05:00 PM