Some Nights Are Still Dark

Duane:  Sometimes, when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me.  Fast.  I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car.  I can anticipate the explosion.  The sound of shattering glass.  The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

Alvy Singer:  Right.  Well, I have to--I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on planet Earth.

~Annie Hall, 1977

Well.  I'm back on planet earth now, but I can say without a sliver of doubt that last night was quite possibly the most surreal night of my life.  And I've had some pretty surreal shit go on in my life thusfar.

It started earlier this week when my good friend came to my office to tell me that he'd gotten a short notice deployment and would be leaving on Friday for "Over There".  This is the same good friend that I've been trying to interpret my feelings for for a few months now.  So he tells me about his going away dinner on Thursday and said I should come--of course I agreed, just like I would for any of my friends.  Plus, it was an outing involving food, and I am ALWAYS up for that.

So, last night was the dinner and after a few of us went for drinks at The Fox and the Hound.  Everything following I blame entirely on the "Hey Baby, I'm Going Off to War Tomorrow" Syndrome--it exists, it's been documented.

I walked him out to his car when he left and we said our goodbyes, went in for the hugs... and then we weren't just hugging anymore.  I got out of the car, a little bit dazed and walked back inside where I promptly called my sister to freak out (a pattern, you may notice).  She got me calmed down to the point where I was able to go back to my table and have a good time for the rest of the evening, but underneath I could still feel something unpleasant bubbling, and I was pretty sure it wasn't from the filet mignon.

We all left pretty shortly after, and as I was driving home I figured I'd give Colby a call to see if he was back home yet, but it went straight to voicemail.  So I'm driving, and just went into some kind of insane downward spiral--I honestly don't know if this is what people mean when they talk about panic attack or anxiety attacks, but suddenly all of the incredible uncertainty of my life hit me, and I couldn't breathe properly.  Tears just started pouring down my face and my mind was spinning at warp speed.  At this point I was going over an overpass that loops over the interstate and as I looked over the concrete barriers I suddenly felt so calm.  There were no headlights on the road at that late hour, and it just seemed so dark and peaceful.

All I could think was how easy it would be to not turn the wheel to loop over the overpass and instead just go straight off the side into that calmness.  It seemed like at least 5 minutes passed, but I know in reality this could have only been a split second thought before I came crashing back to reality and knew that what I had just contemplated was something I would never actually do.  But for that one second, it seemed like the most sane and wonderful thing I could imagine.  And that scared the ever living crap out of me.

I called my sister for the second time, practically in hysterics and once again she calmed me down and talked to me until I pulled into the gates of my apartment complex.  Later that night I talked to Colby and said things that I've needed to say for a while now.  And I feel better about it now... but still... afraid of that part of my brain that wanted me to drive off of an overpass.  Afraid that it will come back for a longer period of time someday and I won't snap out of it in a split second.

I know exactly what my problem is.  I don't have anything definite in my life right now--my job, my relationships, my future...  Everything is so up in the air right now, and I am not what we like to call a "spontaneous, go with the flow" kind of girl.  I like to have my future nailed down solidly, and it scares me that when things aren't quite so definite, my coping abilities fly right out the window.  It scares me that I had been doing so well and feeling so positive and upbeat for so many weeks now, and in just a quick turn of events my mind can be completely shattered into a million directions.

The two people in my life that keep me sane held me together last night.  I hated to put them in a difficult position where I so desperately needed them to be there for me, but they were, and I think the part of my mind that knows I have all of these people who want me to be okay and want me to be happy is the part that made me turn the wheel and continue driving home.   I thank them for that more than I can say.

Comments

[RisibleGirl]

I've been there before, sweetheart. It's a yucky place. I hope you go toward the light and NOT in *that* way. ;)

You wrote something that really sticks out to me:
"I like to have my future nailed down solidly, and it scares me that when things aren't quite so definite...."

I'd like you to consider reading some books about living in the present. I used to REALLY have a problem with living in the present- constantly worried about not having everything figured out til the year 2020.

I've been working very hard at living in the present and know that I have much more calm and secure feelings when I do that. Living in the present is trusting that things will work out. Don't you think that sounds like it would be a soothing thought?

I'll try to think of some good reading material for you.

Bottom line- you have so much going for you, so worrying about your future will just cause anxiety for no reason. Do what feels right for you *today* and let tomorrow take care of itself.

xoxoxo

[Philosophy Guy]

Wait a minute! We're supposed to be happy?

I thought I just hoped to have the positive/negative life balance stay slightly heavier on the positive side over periods of a year or two worth of life event accumulation. There have been times where it went way over to deep negative for years on end.

Hmmm! I'm going to have to give this being happy concept more thought - as I'm taking my Lexapro, of course.

[M]

Some people are afraid to find out what they're missing because they might miss it. Some of us figure it's better to have something and miss it than not know what it is we were afraid of.

Just a thought. Not a particularly clear one, but you know where it's coming from. Hang in there kiddo, life is a wild ride.

[shpprgrl]

Thanks goodness for dear sis. Just hang in there. There's a plan, you don't know what it is yet. But there is one. (Meanwhile you're having fits, I know. Been there done that.) Feel better soon.

[Lulu]

i think about that every night as i travel the freeway for 30 minutes.
i'm not uber depressed or anything, it just seems like it would be an easy escape, don't you?