Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Kind of Explains a Lot...

A few nights ago, I had a couple of fairly interesting and thought provoking conversations with a some of my guy friends.  A some of my SINGLE guy friends.  I feel like that's an important attribute to point out about these guys given the topic at hand.

The second conversation is one that I'm still thinking about now, and still haven't been able to quite wrap my mind around--it's all very cerebral and religious and probably kind of a touchy topic.  So I'll save that for another day.  But the first conversation is something that I feel extremely strongly about.

We were discussing some friends who'd been dating for a short time and the guy was trying to figure out how to break up with the girl because "she'd gotten too clingy" and was "calling too much and wanting to hang out all the time"--to which I responded, if he really liked this girl her wanting to hang out with him and calling every day wouldn't be "stalkerish", it would just be (gasp) DATING and he would (double gasp) probably be cool with it!!  I then went on to say that there's a fine line between trying too hard to make a relationship work and not trying hard enough, that it seemed like a lot of people nowadays give up on relationships for the most trivial reasons.

Granted, that's what dating is all about, testing someone out before you make the BIG commitment.  But if you've been with someone for a year or more, do you break up with them because the way they chew annoys you, or is it that you just don't love them anymore and the annoying chewing style is the manifestation of your changed feelings.  If you still have feelings for the person, couldn't you just throw something at them and say, "For the love of GOD, close your mouth when you chew!"

But after I mentioned these personal beliefs to the guys they practically lept from their chairs screaming, "THAT'S SETTLING, YOU SHOULD NEVER SETTLE, OMG!  YOU FOOL!"  Or something to that effect anyway.  One of them commented that if you really love someone, you'll see past their flaws, which I agree with to an extent.  I believe that if you really love someone, you accept them, flaws and all.  You don't think they're perfect (or at least not after about 6 months together) but you decide that you're willing to deal with the things that annoy the crap out of you, because you love him or her.  Because let me give you a little hint--everyone is going to annoy the crap out of you at some point.  Your roommate, your best friend, your sister, your parents--does that mean that you don't love them?  No, it means that you throw something and say chew with your mouth closed.

I personally don't ever want anyone to look at me and see perfection.  I know that I'm not perfect and I don't want to live my life in fear of falling from the pedestal.  I know that there are dealbreakers--that's why people break up, and that's totally fine.  If it's not there, it's just not there.  However, I do feel like I'm living in a generation that expects a knight in shining armor, that wants a perfect soulmate with whom you'll never argue or want to punch in the nose, something that no one can ever live up to.  I don't know where this comes from--possibly too many viewings of romantic comedies or Disney movies, but somehow we've ended up with completely skewed views of what a relationship should be about.  Because let me tell you this, if you spend the rest of your life looking for a guy or girl who has no flaws, who you think you'll be able to live with for 50 years and never have a flicker of annoyance, then you are going to be an extremely lonely person.  What you want to do is find someone who can "come on baby light my fire", but who can also be a best friend and companion--who can put the forks away in the knife drawer and you grit your teeth and tell them for the BAJILLIONTH time that THIS IS NOT WHERE THE FORKS GO, and then sit on the couch and watch Grey's Anatomy together.

Don't settle.  Never settle for less than you want and feel that you deserve.  But know that you yourself are not perfection personified--so why would you expect that from anyone else? 

And last point--if you really think that love means never having to say you're sorry?  YOU NEED YOUR HEAD EXAMINED.

Meltdown #1

Last night I had my first full blown freakout about this whole "I'm packing up all of my crap and moving to Seattle in 6 months--oh, and I don't have a job!  Or any money!  But damn, I've got some cute shoes, wanna see?" thing.  I'm thinking of starting a pool on how many meltdowns I'm going to have between now and March, particularly during the four months that Colby will be deployed.

I decided that we should start discussing moving companies vs U-hauls last night at around 10 o'clock my time.  Probably the first problem.  (Noted:  Do not begin highly stressful conversations involving lots and lots of money after 9 o'clock at night.)  It seems like my options are that I can pay an arm and a leg for the truck and all of the equipment to do a self move and pay all of my friends in Pizza Hut to break their backs loading all of my stuff into a large, cavernous truck or I can pay two arms and two legs for some other company to come do this for me.  The main problem here is that right now I really don't even have an arm, not to mention multiple arms and legs floating around to be used as payment.  And I sort of feel like that metaphor broke down a couple of sentences ago.

Anyway, I was laying in bed cutely protesting to Colby that there is no way in heck I'm driving a 24' truck, and oh my God, this whole situation is so hilarious, I should probably really start saving money now!  And then suddenly I'm in the middle of a total breakdown involving tears, sniffling, shaking, and definite nausea.  Jack was licking my hand in concern and Colby was telling me that it was good to get the stress off my chest and talk about it, and that we would both probably have some moments of fear about the upcoming decisions and that we'd just have to be there for each other and support the other person when they were going through their freakouts.  Which was so perfectly said that I just kind of whimpered and said, "You just can't freakout at the same time as me."  I can be so eloquent sometimes.

I'm feeling better after getting some sleep, but I can still feel the stress bubbling under the surface.  I wish that I had more time to get this figured out, but I won't feel comfortable when Colby deploys in November if we haven't gotten at least most of the details worked out.  My last day at work is March 2nd and his expected return from deployment is just a few days after that, so there's going to be approximately zero time then to iron out details.  I know that things will work out--they always do, but I can't help but be nervous about all of the changes that are going to be taking place in my life in a very short amount of time.

BUT, I did get some super cute work clothes on sale for great prices at J Crew and Anne Taylor Loft, so I feel like as long as I'm dressed appropriately, life just can't get too messy.  Let's hear it for famous last words now...

That's Hott

What a couple of days it's been... and our air conditioning at work is broken again.  And the Civil Engineers have told us to stop calling because they're already working on it.  To which I respond, well fix the damn air conditioning and we'll stop calling.

Anyway, I almost went down to one out of two dogs remaining alive in my household.  My sweet, loving, adorable Jack was possessed by the devil last night and took the liberty of chowing down on my ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLAR STEVE MADDEN HEELS.  And I don't care, because I am totally still wearing those bitches.  The toe is a bit mangled, but I took a brown Sharpie to it and it's just. Going. To. Work.  I'm actually thinking of submitting this scenario to the Sharpie-Mini "powers that be" as the next commercial in their ad-campaign.  Jack may be on death row, but I may as well get some resume material out of this.

Over the past month, I've spent most of my time at work (when I'm not surfing the web or taking naps underneath my desk) planning my boss's promotion party.  Today I went with my immediate supervisor and secretary to Sam's and Garden Ridge to get supplies... and cute Thanksgiving decorations for my apartment, of course.  And we were definitely gone from eleven o'clock until three in the afternoon.  And we definitely had a freaking blast.  Who loves the free samples at Sam's?  I do!!  I do!!  But are you aware of the fact that they do not sell fruit trays there??  I don't really get that--meat, check; cheese, check; veggies, check; fruit... not so much.  I did however get a pack of 600 tiny Dixie cups to make Jello shots in tonight and an adorable "Mini Bartender" complete with appletini mix, cosmo mix, margarita mix, and two kinds of sugar and salt, with a shaker and six shot glasses, all for ten bucks, so it wasn't a completely failed mission.

The point of that story:  I've realized recently that I've basically become the "events planner" in my squadron, which is kind of cool, because it gets me out of doing my "real job" a lot of times and is also really, really fun.  When I was still working in my old job, I took it into my head that we needed to have a luau for my boss's retirement party.  So I worked my butt off selling tickets, getting a catered whole hot roast, buying decorations, recruiting set up and tear down crews, planning party games (limbo?  Oh yes.) and coordinating with all of the on base vendors to get us the special permission and rules broken that we needed.  When I came down to this office, I almost immediately planned my own promotion and the Major was so impressed by that and the luau he asked me to plan his promotion ceremony.  Here's a hint: A Lieutenant Colonel promotion ceremony and reception requires a HELL OF A LOT more work than a First Lieutenant promotion party.  Just in case you were wondering.  He then asked me to take the point on his commander's calls and now I've apparently been recruited by my immediate boss as our "going away party" coordinator.  Hee!  I'm lovin' it!

Let's see... what else happened today??  Hmm... let me think for a minute...  I know there's something...  Oh yeah--nothing to get toooo excited about....  It just so happened that a computer printout with the following information on it was taped to my computer screen when I walked into the office this morning:

"PROJECTED RETIREMENT OR SEPARATION HAS PROCESSED OR CHANGED, CURRENT DATA:

PROJECTED RET, SEP, EFFECTIVE DATE: 02-MAR-07"

Underneath these words was a big smiley face and a note from one of my troops--"Are you happy now?"

Yeah, baby, that's right, it's official!!  In 188 days I will be rejoining the civilian world, and it feels DAMN GOOD!!  (And also a little bit like I may have eaten some bad ham...)

Annual Roundup

First of all, I would like to say that today my little "not a blog" turns one whole year old.  Yes, one year ago today, I first provided this little gem to the internet--a post that managed to insult children, prove that I am a sucker for peer pressure and attention, as well as foreshadow subsequent visits to who I fondly refer to as my Crazy Doctor.  It also warned you all to beware of run-on sentences, in which case I direct you to the previous sentence and beg your forgiveness.  Don't you just love how you don't have to pause for breath when you're typing?!?

So, originally, I had this awesome plan where I was going to do up some catchy little rhyme to recap the past year of my life, but then I stayed out until two in the morning last night, drinking and singing my arse off at karaoke, so, um, I'm a little less than inspired right now.  However, I have had a pretty significant overhaul in my readership over the past year, so for those of you who are new(ish) to my world I'll go ahead and provide an extremely uncreative and somewhat organized recap of my year with links to corresponding posts that you can check out if you're exceptionally bored at work.  Or not.  Whatever, my head hurts so this is about as good as it's going to get today.

In late August I revealed my unhealthy coping habits when it comes to stress in my life--obsessive shopping--and also mentioned a little storm that was creeping toward New Orleans.

In September I took complete and utter leave of my senses and adopted a deathly sick, heartbreakingly scruffy puppy from an animal shelter... and proceeded to write a shitload of posts about her him (oh yeah, there's a story there).  New moms--they're so cute, aren't they?  During this time I was working round the clock shifts at work as we did all that we could do to assist in the aftermath of Katrina.

In October and November I first displayed my obsession with celebrity couples, started the 100 Things About Me List (which is still not completed...), encouraged infants not to smoke while they were in the womb, and went on a freaking awesome cross country trip with Colby.

December brought about a love letter to the holiday season, the reemergence of an ex that I'd hoped to never hear from again, cracks began to show in my relationship with Colby, and I spent the holidays at home seeing just how sick my mom's breast cancer had really made her.  Not actually such a hot month in retrospect...

In January I started trying to imagine life after the military, finally admitted to myself that I needed to get help for the depression I'd been experiencing, dealt with Colby's first deployment of MANY more to come, and started on Zoloft.

February shot off to a rollicking good start with the cannibalism of my gerbils and February 7th was Colby and my 3 year anniversary.  February 13th we broke up.  Awesome.  I dealt with these tragedies by watching a lot of tv.  No, seriously, A LOT.

In March I decided to embrace my single girl status by stalking a local celebrity and flirting with a highschool friend, losing about a bajillion pounds and marketing my diet plan of depression and heartbreak, and cyber-dating Stupid Jerk Boy (SJB) a super-crush from college (oh shut up!).

In April, I discovered that writing may be a better direction to funnel my emotions and I began my novel in earnest.  I decided that aiming for the stars was the way to go and penned an eloquent epistle to Nick Lachey.  And I finally felt comfortable enough to share the story of my family's experience with my mom's cancer.

In May, Britney Spears guest-blogged, and dude, I totally called her second pregnancy.  I wrote my obligatory quarter-life crisis entry and then remembered that I shouldn't take myself so damn seriously and went on two dates in one day and felt pretty pimptastic about myself.  In a moment of clarity I composed my very own Relationship Classification System, and FINALLY introduced Ellie to the world.

At the beginning of June I found myself questioning my "friendship" with Colby, I fell for another stupid boy's smooth lines, and then after drama with Auburn Guy I came within spitting distance of shutting down my site.  Which, uh, obviously didn't happen.

In July I continued to deal with my fears surrounding the extremely confusing relationship I had with Colby, but continued getting out and about and meeting new people.  I finished off the month by taking a 4 day trip to New York and taking the leap by FINALLY turning in my Air Force separation paperwork.

And rounding out my year of blogging, in August I confronted my fears about having close girlfriends and Colby and I finally managed to dig through the friendship myth and get back together.

So, here I am today, in the middle of my story and not really certain what direction my life will be taking from here.  Reading over the past year's worth of post has been a pretty emotional experience for me--I've discovered so many things about myself, both good and bad.  I've had incredibly wonderful and incredibly awful things happen.  I really feel that I've grown so much as a person, and I'm sure that the upcoming year will only bring more changes.  As much as everything has changed and evolved over the past year, the one thing that has remained constant is this journal and the support that I've found from each person who has taken a minute out of their day to read about my world.  So, you know, thanks and stuff, for reading, for commenting, for emailing, for your honesty.  You guys pretty much rock my world.

Relaxation=A Luxurious Bubble Bath

Unless you're Jack.  And then a luxurious bubble bath equals an experience close to ancient Chinese water torture.  And if you're me it pretty much just means getting completely and utterly soaked and feeling like a right bitch for trying to get your pet clean.

Particularly when he gives you eyes like this just prior to the commencement of Angela's #1 Torture Technique.

I've seen how well the Glary Eyes of Death work for my sister, so instead I shall employ the technique of Gazing Soulfully Into Your Eyes in hopes that my cuteness will overpower your evil bathing ways.

Next time, I suggest he tries the Glary Eyes of Death.  They may get him tossed out on the balcony to think about what he's done, but that will at least avoid the horrors of the bathtub.  Blech.  Soap.

And this is what happens when mom takes a moment away from strongarming him into the bathtub to laugh hysterically and document the sessions with photos for her stupid blawg.  Lesson learned.

 
Of course, once he escaped the confines of The Bathtub it was back to Reproachful Stares that I'm pretty sure he learned from his online courses in Guilt Tripping:101.

   
No worries, the sad eyed look never really goes away.  He's actually very happy that he's clean.  I know.  He told me.

Editor's Note:  Yes, I totally just doggyblogged.  Shut up, it was a really shitty day at work yesterday and I know that I really can't discuss that here, so instead I just needed to laugh at my bedraggled pet.  This is why I feel that I'm not yet ready for kids... mocking their discomfort and unhappiness to make myself feel better would probably make the inevitable emancipation around the age of 15 completely understandable.  But dogs are just asking for it.  Seriously.

Ellie's Note:  It really sucks outside, I probably shouldn't have been such a mean bitch earlier.

School Daze

Apparently, today is the first day of school in Little Rock.  I was alerted to that fact by the scads of big yellow buses out trolling the roads for stray children.  Also the fact that traffic was back up almost all the way up my street as people were held up while trying to make the turn out onto the main road.  Needless to say, I was a wee bit late for work this morning.  I did spend a lot of the drive thinking about exactly when it was that I stopped being that gawky little kid in my brand new back to school clothes to this quasi adult-type person that I am today.  See, I can't even just call myself an adult--it sounds far too strange.

One of my goals for this week was to log onto some job search websites and do research on what types of jobs are available in the Tacoma, Washington area, what the general salary seems to be for jobs I'm interested in, and how I should tailor my resume to touch on the qualifications that are required.  I ended up completely overwhelmed, eyes burning from looking at tiny print for hours on end, and far more confused and discouraged than I was at the beginning of the weekend.  Pretty much any position that sparks interest when I read the title and description either pays a pittance or lists required qualifications that are far beyond my current experience.  The positions that pay decently and are within my realm of experience look brain-bleedingly horrible--I could be the Human Relations Manager for WorkSource Washington!!  Yippee!!  Sigh.

I feel like I'm at a bit of a disadvantage right now, having never before had to go through a job application process.  My first "real job" was in a pizza restaurant where my family had known the owner for years and all I had to do was fill out an application and write a cutesy note on a post-it saying, "Hey, remember when I was 9 years old you told me you'd pay me a quarter to wash the table tops!  Hee!  I'm coming to collect now!"  Or something to that effect.  Then in college I had scholarships coming out of my ears, so I didn't worry about a job until I was a junior and decided I wanted to buy a car.  I kept telling people that I was "looking for a job", which consisted of watching tv and waiting around for something to fall into my lap.  Which it did when a friend told me that her office was looking for an administrative assistant and all I needed to do was show up for an interview and come across as somewhat wellspoken and poised.  Two things of which I consider myself pretty good at convincing people.  Soon after came graduation and then my commission into the Air Force... and here I am today, hopefully (???) on the brink of starting over again.  So, I have no idea how a resume should read, how I should go about submitting applications, how far in advance you should begin looking, or how my current experiences can be manipulated and massaged to look appealing to the company looking to hire.

I know the things that I would love to do... event planning, marketing/communications for a small to medium company, unfortunately all of my administrative experience doesn't lend itself well to any of these sectors.  One thing that seems right up my alley, as far as interest goes, is being a wedding planner... I love the organizational aspect of it, working with vendors, designing "themes"... spending someone else's money!  It seems like a lot of work, but it seems like work that I would wake up excited about, where I wouldn't be trapped in an office for 40 hours a week, where I would be out networking, working with people who are preparing for one of the biggest days of their lives, helping them to enjoy their day rather than feeling the stress of all of the planning.  Unfortunately, it's such a network-centric job that I think it would be hard to do well while moving every few years as a part of a military family.

I don't know.  I spend most of my life standing around in awe that I'm not 12 anymore, and trying to figure out who let me be a grown up.  Who let me get to this point where I'm "independent" and making decisions that will affect the rest of my life.  And the most frightening part of that... if I'm feeling that way, I can only imagine that the rest of the world is running around feeling pretty much the same way.  I wonder if President Bush ever sits back, looks around the Oval Office and says, "Holy crap, how on earth did I ever get to this point??"

Actually, you know what?  Don't answer that...

What a Week

There's a commercial on the radio right now for Outback Steakhouse, and it's absolutely annoying the crap out of me.  Whatever happened to the mildly amusing songs about Father's Day and kangaroos and stuff?  What's with this cheesy, easy listening jingle they're working now?  I'll tell you, it does NOT make me want to go Outback tonight.

Anyway, this has been the busiest week I've had at work since I started this job back in April.  Typically I just put out fires every now and then during the week when that needs to happen, but for the most part am pretty much superfluous to the mission of my office.  There's not actually even a billet for a lieutenant, but there are too many of us floating around, so here I sit.  However, this week I've been preparing a briefing to give at the wing Officer's Call this afternoon, working on a statistical analysis of all of the additional duties assigned to our squadron (which is kind of funny because I've spent HOURS of my time figuring out where we're wasting our time... hmm), dealing with officers who applied for separation under a separation pay incentive and whose applications have been disapproved, writing decorations for troops that are leaving, and of course meeting after meeting after meeting.

I am so bloody glad that it's Friday.

I still haven't heard a gosh darn thing about my separation package and my nerves are pretty much fried.  I feel really, really good about the way things will go in my life as long as the separation is approved, but all of that can so easily go to crap if I get a disapproval based on "manning".  But I had a really good talk with Colby last night about my expectations and our timeframe for the next year, and I feel like we're actually pretty close to being on the same page for the first time in almost 4 years--we're at least in the same chapter now.

But the weekend is almost here and I plan on completely letting go of all of the stresses of the week and focus on being as obscenely lazy as possible.  Tonight I'm planning to meet some friends downtown, and I possibly have a friend passing through for part of tomorrow on her way to Memphis.  Aside from that I'll be pretty much rooted to the sofa with my TiVo and Netflix...  I've got at least a week's worth of Whose Wedding is it Anyway, Coupling, and Gilmore Girls to get through before Sunday night!  But definitely not Flavor of Love, nope, not me--and certainly not the third season of Laguna Beach either--that's just trash tv I tell you... yeah, trash...

You're On Notice!!

 

Now go make your own and vent your frustration!!

Spinning My Wheels

Before I turned in my separation paperwork I had so many fears surrounding what would come next.  whether or not I should take this secure, fairly well paying job and toss it out the window, hoping that my English Lit degree and previous work experience would catch me on the way down.  When I spoke to my boss about my desire to separate and when I turned in my package, I felt a drop in my stomach and heard the little voice inside saying, "Are you sure? Really?  I mean, don't you want to think about this some more?"

Can I now take this moment to say, I didn't realize just how sure I really was!  Every day drags by without a response from the Personnel Center on my approval or disapproval and I find myself stalking my separations clerk, asking if she's heard anything back yet.  I think if I'm not careful she's going to just up and throw the fax machine at my head one of these days.  I'm just so ready to get my approval back and start going through our transition programs, sending out resumes, making moving plans... and each day that goes by is one less day that I'll have to wrap my head around the fact that I need to completely change my life in the next 6 months.

Added pressure to all of this is that Colby is deploying for four months in November and won't be back until the end of February or so... which is when I'll be separating if my application is approved.  Which means we have a LOT of details and plans to be made in the next couple of months.  Because while I'll probably be able to hear from him a decent amount while he's deployed, I doubt we'll be able to have long intensive discussions involving moving plans and me wheedling him to upgrade to a two bedroom apartment.  (Hi, Colby, have you thought about that at all?  Just a thought... Jack and Ellie think it's a great idea too... Kisses!)

So, in other news, is anyone even the slightest bit shocked that Kate Hudson and her husband are splitting up?  I've thought he was pretty disgusting ever since I heard that he didn't want Kate to get pregnant again because he didn't like having a fat wife.  And just recently she's made a comment to the effect that she didn't expect monogamy in a marriage, but she would never disrespect her husband by straying.  Ummm... huh??  Oh well, I think she's adorable and maybe this way she'll finally be able to hook up with Ben Barry... or um, I mean, Matthew McConaughey!

Doing It Up In The Big Apple

Lest you think I'm sitting around all weekend gathering together piles of sleeping pills and writing my last will and testament, I need to say that I've been doing spectacularly well since the meltdown on Friday.  Once I stopped being so utterly exhausted and was able to take a step back and clear my mind a little, I started feeling much better about things.  It's funny, but I think that meltdown was actually a bit of a turning point--if my life was the Civil War, Thursday night was Saratoga.  I cleared up the what ifs and what could be's regarding my friendship with Mitchell, and was able to let go of that question.  And it made me realize that I'd been patient for long enough with Colby and needed an answer from him regarding where all of these discussions over the past few months were heading.  The answer came in the form of a dozen gorgeous longstemmed red roses delivered to my doorstep Saturday morning...

So, in the words of MySpace, I guess I'm back In A Relationship.  And now all I need is to hear back from the Air Force on my separation paperwork and I can start planning the next step of my life!

Now that we've gotten the Old Business taken care of, I'd like to present to you, in pictorial form, "Angela Does New York".

The trip began eeeeearly Thursday morning after I had spent a full day at the airport on Wednesday getting bumped from flights and touring the city for two hours at warp speed on the airport shuttle as the last passenger to be dropped off.  I met my fabulous and gorgeous friend Carolyn at the bus stop and we proceeded to get completely and utterly lost in the city before we finally found the good stores and did some photoshoots to add to our modeling portfolios.  My sister met up with us, and took us on a tour of the bathroom at Bloomingdale's.  This bathroom was nicer than my apartment--not to mention bigger. 

 
So, after a quick rest in the luxuriously appointed bathroom (yes, those are all REAL flowers in the arrangements) to recover from all of our shopping and modeling, we headed for lunch, and most importantly, dessert at Serendipity.

Sure, it may not have been the $1,000 dessert on the menu, but it sure as heck was dang good!  And after we ate, we even managed to squeeze a little touring into the shopping schedule.

I think it was on one of these streetcorners that Carolyn and I were standing, slackjawed and utterly overwhelmed by the sheer number of people and buildings, and asked by a lovely man if we might need a little help finding our way around.  He was kind enough to point us in the direction of the Manhattan Mall--bless his soul.  (I think it was also somewhere around here that I asked Carolyn, "Do y'all have Krispy Kreme up here?" and she exploded into laughter, having never actually heard the word "y'all" spoken in conversation...)

Friday I wandered around the area near my sister's office while she was at work--hit up Century 21 and Ground Zero--and then we headed down to Madison Ave where we boarded the bus for the Sex and the City tour.  And of course the moment we stepped off of the bus to walk down the street and around the corner to get our picture's taken on Carrie's stoop--the heavens opened up and it poured down rain until we all boarded the bus again.  On the right is the store where Charlotte and the girls discussed the pros and cons of The Rabbit--you wouldn't believe how TINY the store is after seeing the episode, but we all barely fit in it.

That night we headed down to Little Italy and met up with an old college friend that I hadn't seen in years to do some serious catching up.  We also found plenty of opportunities to totally stick out as tourists and take pictures at any possible moment.

Of course, the most exciting part of the trip for me was finally getting the chance to see Wicked on Broadway--and it was just as incredible as I've imagined it to be all of the millions of times I've listened to the soundtrack.  We managed to get tickets to a behind the scenes tour of Wicked the morning before the play where they had original costumes and props on display and tour leaders from the cast of the play.  We were totally in our element, and again, took an absolutely obscene number of pictures!
And, of course, being the stalkers that my sister and I are, we staked out the stage door after both the matinee and the evening performance.  The guy in the green shirt was one of our tour guides and played Elphaba's ("The Wicked Witch of the West") father and Dr. Dillamond, then the handsome young stud in the middle is Fiyero, and finally the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  And we did call him wonderful!

 
We finished off Saturday night with an incredible dinner in Chinatown and drinks at Luna Park in Union Square.

I had such an incredible time, and was sure to leave plenty to do so that I'll have an excuse to go back some time soon.  Next trip on the list--hopefully Phoenix and Seattle in September... just keep your fingers crossed that I can convince my boss to let me take leave!

Some Nights Are Still Dark

Duane:  Sometimes, when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me.  Fast.  I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car.  I can anticipate the explosion.  The sound of shattering glass.  The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.

Alvy Singer:  Right.  Well, I have to--I have to go now, Duane, because I, I'm due back on planet Earth.

~Annie Hall, 1977

Well.  I'm back on planet earth now, but I can say without a sliver of doubt that last night was quite possibly the most surreal night of my life.  And I've had some pretty surreal shit go on in my life thusfar.

It started earlier this week when my good friend came to my office to tell me that he'd gotten a short notice deployment and would be leaving on Friday for "Over There".  This is the same good friend that I've been trying to interpret my feelings for for a few months now.  So he tells me about his going away dinner on Thursday and said I should come--of course I agreed, just like I would for any of my friends.  Plus, it was an outing involving food, and I am ALWAYS up for that.

So, last night was the dinner and after a few of us went for drinks at The Fox and the Hound.  Everything following I blame entirely on the "Hey Baby, I'm Going Off to War Tomorrow" Syndrome--it exists, it's been documented.

I walked him out to his car when he left and we said our goodbyes, went in for the hugs... and then we weren't just hugging anymore.  I got out of the car, a little bit dazed and walked back inside where I promptly called my sister to freak out (a pattern, you may notice).  She got me calmed down to the point where I was able to go back to my table and have a good time for the rest of the evening, but underneath I could still feel something unpleasant bubbling, and I was pretty sure it wasn't from the filet mignon.

We all left pretty shortly after, and as I was driving home I figured I'd give Colby a call to see if he was back home yet, but it went straight to voicemail.  So I'm driving, and just went into some kind of insane downward spiral--I honestly don't know if this is what people mean when they talk about panic attack or anxiety attacks, but suddenly all of the incredible uncertainty of my life hit me, and I couldn't breathe properly.  Tears just started pouring down my face and my mind was spinning at warp speed.  At this point I was going over an overpass that loops over the interstate and as I looked over the concrete barriers I suddenly felt so calm.  There were no headlights on the road at that late hour, and it just seemed so dark and peaceful.

All I could think was how easy it would be to not turn the wheel to loop over the overpass and instead just go straight off the side into that calmness.  It seemed like at least 5 minutes passed, but I know in reality this could have only been a split second thought before I came crashing back to reality and knew that what I had just contemplated was something I would never actually do.  But for that one second, it seemed like the most sane and wonderful thing I could imagine.  And that scared the ever living crap out of me.

I called my sister for the second time, practically in hysterics and once again she calmed me down and talked to me until I pulled into the gates of my apartment complex.  Later that night I talked to Colby and said things that I've needed to say for a while now.  And I feel better about it now... but still... afraid of that part of my brain that wanted me to drive off of an overpass.  Afraid that it will come back for a longer period of time someday and I won't snap out of it in a split second.

I know exactly what my problem is.  I don't have anything definite in my life right now--my job, my relationships, my future...  Everything is so up in the air right now, and I am not what we like to call a "spontaneous, go with the flow" kind of girl.  I like to have my future nailed down solidly, and it scares me that when things aren't quite so definite, my coping abilities fly right out the window.  It scares me that I had been doing so well and feeling so positive and upbeat for so many weeks now, and in just a quick turn of events my mind can be completely shattered into a million directions.

The two people in my life that keep me sane held me together last night.  I hated to put them in a difficult position where I so desperately needed them to be there for me, but they were, and I think the part of my mind that knows I have all of these people who want me to be okay and want me to be happy is the part that made me turn the wheel and continue driving home.   I thank them for that more than I can say.

A Special Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for TiVo.  Because I completely forgot that Project Runway was on last night, and at eleven o'clock when I realized that I had missed it, as I was peacefully drifting off to sleep, I was still able to sleep the sleep of angels knowing that it is stored safely on my precious, precious TiVo.

Also, thank you for cookies.  Because they are delicious.

Amen

(New York pictures coming this weekend.  Because y'all, I have my computer back!!)

Girls Scare Me

Last night I went for pizza and beer to say goodbye to a friend and coworker with a large group of folks from work.  After dinner, I went with the girls for chocolate creme brulee and martinis at a wonderful little downtown restaurant that we frequent.

As I sat on the porch of the restaurant in the dark with the light of the candles flickering across our faces, giggling about boys, tasting other girls drinks, complimenting each others hair styles, it hit me.  I've somehow managed to form a group of girlfriends. 

And that scares the ever living crap out of me.

I've always been very protective of myself, preferring a few close friends to large groups of people with whom I just "hang out".  I've always had girlfriends, but I've always found it difficult to let my guard down enough to form extremely close bonds.  Over time I've managed to aquire quite a few women in my life that I can truly say I love and would do anything for, and I feel that the loyalty is returned.  But it's taken almost 24 years to find all of these "kindred spirits", and they're spread all across the country.  There have been a few times in my life where I've been friends with a coven group of girls, and it always seems to end badly for someone.

In early highschool my best friend for practically as long as I can remember introduced me to a friend that she'd made in 8th grade while I was stumbling clumsily through my freshman year.  The three of us immediately clicked and for close to a year had an intense bond of "best friendship".  And, as if you can't imagine where this is going, eventually the nature of young, insecure highschool girls came out and it became a 2 against 1 scenario that almost lost me one of the closest friends I've ever had.  Luckily, in time I realized that I was being manipulated and was able to save the friendship and got to stand at the head of the aisle and watch a friend, who I consider a sister, marry the love of her life.

Later in highschool, I formed another friendship with two girls who had been friends long before I was in the picture.  One of the girls eventually became jealous and bitter that I was trying to "steal her friend" away, and pretty soon it was three friends down to two again when she decided that we were just stupid preppy bitches.

Then, in college, I roomed with an old highschool friend and another random girl that had been assigned to our dorm.  We started out three best bud roommates--taking late night trips to IHOP together, going to the football games, hanging out on the parade grounds and gabbing about our boyfriends, but before long they had turned against me for reasons I still to this day don't understand, and I spent most of that year at Colby's apartment hiding from my scary roommates.

After all of those experiences piled up one after another, I pretty much swore that I was done allowing myself to get close to large groups of girls because I was so tired of all of the drama and competition that went along with it.  I feel like I'm older and more mature now, and maybe this shouldn't be so worrisome for me, but as nice as all these girls have seemed for the past couple of months I just fear that as I get to know them better the claws will come out and I'll be back in highschool again with no clue who I can really trust and who is just wearing a mask.

And this, my friends, is why I really prefer to be friends with boys.  On top of the fairly uncomplicated relationships, they usually end up insisting to pay for lunch when you go out together.  What's not to love about that?

Interactive Blogging!!

Well.  I lied about the New York pictures.  And my love affair with the Geek Squad is grinding to a halt even as I type.  I have been completely unable to figure out the cheat code to get through to an actual PERSON when I call Best Buy to check on the status of my computer.  I get horribly lost in a tangle of "Press 1 for repairs!  Press 2 for store hours!  Press 3 to actually speak to a carbon based lifeform--hahaha!  Just kidding about that last one!"  So, anyway, that's just a very long, roundabout way of saying that I don't yet have my computer back and it's just too complicated and OBVIOUS to bring my camera and cord into work to do a big photoessay from my desk.

Now for the interactive part!  I ask--you answer!  Woo--comment whoring at it's finest!!

Right!  So!  Lately I've been stumbling across awesome blogs left and right... and... and... I don't know what to DO!!  I feel like my blog links over there on the left have already reached epic proportions, and I really don't want to have 400 links hanging out taking over the entire sidebar.  But I also don't want to stop finding awesome blogs that make me laugh and cry and share my somewhat unhealthy obsession with shoes.  I don't know what to do... I just don't know!

I've also become very interested in "blog etiquette" lately.  I originally saw this topic brought up over at Becky's place, and it's stuck with me ever since.  What are your personal opinions about linking and commenters/commenting on blogs?  I think in the past I've actually lost regular readers because I didn't link back to their blogs after they linked me.  I never meant it as an offense, but seriously, if we all linked to other blogs simply because they linked to us our blogs would be nothing but a big old link list.  I don't link to people because I expect a link in return, and I don't play by those rules here--and believe me, there are PLENTY of blogs on that list over there that don't link back to me, and I'm fine with that.  I read those blogs because I enjoy reading what they have to say and find them to be a fabulous source of entertainment.

However, I don't think that I snub any of my readers.  I try very hard to acknowledge ever person that comments and thank people who are stopping by for the first time.  It's been difficult lately to respond to every comment because I only have a limited time on email during my lunchbreak, but I still try to hit the majority of commenters back and swing by their sites to see who they are behind the screenname.  There are quite a few blogs I read where I don't feel like the commenters are ever really acknowledged, and I guess it makes me a little more reticent to comment there.  Of course some of these people get hundreds of comments a day, so there's really no way they could respond to every single one, but there are sites that I've been reading and commenting on from time to time for close to a year now and I've never gotten a visit back or acknowledgment of my readership whatsoever.

I'm truly not being a whiny-puss over here, I'm just curious about what other bloggers take on this subject is and how they handle their linky-love and comments!  Anyhow, I'm going to go back to my attempts to get through to a human at Best Buy and check on the progress of my poor broken computer.  And I'm making no more promises about NYC pictures--they'll be here when they get here!

I Would Like To Go Home Now, Please?

I've never been a morning person, but recently I've been reaching really obscene levels of exhaustion when the alarm clock starts yapping at me in the mornings.  I've tried all of the tricks--setting the time 15 minutes earlier than it actually is, moving the alarm to the other side of the room so I have to get out of bed to turn it off, setting multiple alarms.  However, I totally know that the clock is 15 minutes off so I just hit snooze for 15 minutes longer than I would otherwise, I get up when the alarm goes off and reset it then crash back into bed, and somehow in the middle of the night one of my multiple alarms always gets mysteriously shut off.  And the obnoxious thing is that I KNOW I'm going to bed early enough--I just really don't want to wake up until about 10 or 11, and then I'm just RARING to go!

I can't remember the last time I got out of bed early enough to actually put on makeup before work, and I'm getting to the point where I don't even wake up at work until after lunch.  I feel like the living dead right now, and I don't really know why.  I really wish that I liked coffee because I feel like a heavy dose of caffeine is what I really need right now.  (I also feel like a large package of Oreo cookies would be something that I really need right now... but I digress.)  I've always thought it would be so lovely to be a "morning person".  To be able to leap happily from bed each morning and face the dawn with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart.  To know that I have FIVE WHOLE HOURS to get stuff done on a Saturday that the rest of the world is just sleeping away, those poor miserable souls--they just don't know what they're missing!

Oh my God, I'm boring the crap out of myself with this post, so I'm just going to stop now.  With any luck I'll be back tomorrow with a working computers and New York pictures and funny stories about my weekend (it involves bras and underwear--stay tuned!).  And seriously, I beg your forgiveness for the brain bleeding boringness of this entry.  I blame the fact that I'm not awake yet.  And that I'm actually wearing my glasses today.  And that I feel like I'm hungry and also about to throw up simultaneously.  Clearly, the boringness is not my fault.

File Under: Lesson Learned

So, I finally got around to dropping my computer off to be fixed.  I've been putting this off for quite some time now, because I knew that it was going to be pretty pricey and I'm also more than a little terrified that they're going to try to recover my deceased hard drive (harddrive?...  hardrive?...how the hell do you spell that?) but not be able to get anything off of it.

Also, I procrastinate about everything so why stop now?  I can just stop later...

Question # 7 on the Geek Squad computer service questionairre:  Should we add capes to our Geek Squad uniform?

Anyway.  I'll admit that I fell more than a little bit in love with the Geek Squad member who came to my rescue.  I was worried that the whole "Geek Squad" persona was just for advertisement and when I got to the store I would be terribly let down.  But no!  My Geek was beyond satisfactorily geeky, and seemed to work magic on my computer that I simply can't explain.  I won't know if they've been able to recover any data until tomorrow, but he made the computer load from the recovery disk which neither me or my dad could manage to do.  And if you know my dad, you know that he can do ANYTHING, so this was quite a feat of great proportions in my eyes.

Geek Squad Guy:  30ish word documents??  ::laughs::

Me:  Well!  I don't know!  I don't go home and count my word documents every day.

GSG:  Well you should have!

Me:  Yes, well, I should also have backed up my drive, but let's try not to live in the past, shall we?

I was right to be afraid of the price though.  Don't you love how every time you say, "Really, I'm going to start saving money now!" something comes up and just throws a dart right through that pretty bubble?  Well, that dart came in the form of a $228 charge to my credit card which will be followed up by the stinger of an external backup drive for my computer, so that hopefully this won't have to happen again in the future.  Apparently, if you don't backup your files, they go away when your hard drive crashes!  Huh!  Who knew??

GSG: That'll be $228 dollars, Angela.

Me:  Man... I could have bought some really cute shoes with that much money...

Finishing What I Started... Or At Least Starting to Finish

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a girl who decided that she would write a list of 100 Things About Her.  Not only was this an act of obscene self-obsession, but she didn't even have the decency to finish what she had begun.  In the same way that she had started and begun many an ambitious project (including the scrapbook of her trip to Ireland that had been in the works for 6 years) she started off her list with great gusto and enthusiasm and dropped it thoughtlessly halfway through.  She thought nothing of the people who would wait futilely for the next installment of fascinating facts about herself, and instead rambled on pointlessly about the inane escapades that made up her day to day life.

Then, one day, tragedy struck in the form of writer's block.  No matter how she searched the recesses of her mind for a topic upon which to expound, she could find nothing that struck her fancy.  Then!  It came to her!  She would resurrect an old topic that would surely fascinate the audience that she had somehow managed to alienate and drive away over time, and draw them back into the love and adoration she remembered so fondly (or had made up in her head).  And so, without further ado, she presents to you Numbers 51-60 in her legendary All About Me list:

51) I had never tasted sushi until I was a junior in college and the sushi craze finally reached the deep south.  My first encounter with raw fish was a frightening experience, but after repeated exposure to it I formed an inexplicable addiction and since then I have been known to eat sushi for 3 consecutive meals.  But not the scary stuff like eel and octopus... just the tame avocado, cream cheesy, tiny tuna/krab/salmon types.

52) My favorite books when I was a child were typically "series" books--Nancy Drew, Trixie Belden, The Fabulous Five, The Babysitter's Club, and Betsy, Tacy and Tib rank among my fondest remembrances.

53) When I can't sleep at night I usually make up stories in my head... I always intend to write them down because at 2 o'clock in the morning they seem like they might have some potential but I can never remember them the next day.  I've done this for as long as I can remember.  It makes me wonder how many fairly good stories are floating around out there in the ether that I'll never be able to get down on paper.

54) I'm really, really horrible at cursive.  I can sign my name, and that's about it.  My favorite part of entering middle school was that we could write in print.  That being said, my handwriting is a bizarre marriage of print and cursive--I connect quite a few of my letters and use some cursive letters mixed in with the print.  It's just faster for me to write that way.

55) I really, really despise handling raw chicken.  I'm okay with pork, ground beef, and steak, but for some reason raw chicken reminds me too much of my own skin and that just really grosses me out.  I guess I wouldn't do so well as a cannibal.

56) I've started reading Anna Karenina 3 times now and never gotten more than 50 pages into it.  The names all sound the same and confuse me and I know how it ends, so it's very hard to invest myself in the story, but for some reason I always go back to it.

57) I can't figure out why it was so easy for me to learn how to type, but I never could get the hang of the piano--it seems as though the finger placement memory should be similar, but I never did feel comfortable tinkling the ivories.

58) My last name means "warrior" in German.  Ironically, "warrior" is the word that lost me the regional spelling bee when I was in elementary school.  I'm still bitter about that.

59) I don't really have a favorite flower.  Anytime I'm asked, I give a different answer.  I think all flowers are beautiful and can't figure out how anyone could ever choose a "favorite".

60) I have an extremely bizarre, unexplainable memory.  I was probably about 4 or 5 and I was looking out of a window in our house at nighttime and when I looked down at the street Grimace was walking past our house on the sidewalk.  I remember being terrified, and now I can only imagine that this was some kind of dream, but I remember it as an actual memory--not a dream.  It still kind of freaks me out to this day.

Please Don't Expect Any Sort of Narrative Thread Today

I was just reading another post where the blogger was boasting of her quite cute aqua blue jelly shoes, including a link from her entry to a photo of said shoes.  I clicked through to the link and agreed that they were exceedingly special shoes, and also was immediately transported back to my six year old self prancing around in silver glittery jelly shoes in our backyard in Virginia.  Those were fantastic shoes and I think I'd like to own a pair of jelly shoes now.  Though perhaps not boots... Those would probably leave funny tan lines.

Last night I was going through my Tivo listing and realized that I had a BRAND NEW EPISODE of The Girls Next Door recorded!  Oh joy!  Oh rapture!  I hadn't realized how much I missed my little blonde space cadets until I had them back on my television set.  I've decided that my favorite is Holly--I think if I were going to fill out a quiz in a fangirl magazine about which Girl You're Most Like I would probably try to answer all of the questions the way that Holly would so that I would end up with her as The Girl I Am Most Like.  This is also how, when I was in the ninth grade, I ended up with Kevin as The Backstreet Boy With Whom I Would Be Most Compatible.  (I also just reworded that sentence so that I wouldn't end it with a preposition--That was just for you Wordnerd!)

Last night as I was going through my Tivo listing I also realized that I watch far too much reality tv for my appreciation of it to be entirely ironic.

I met my new boss on Sunday night when we were frantically working until midnight, accepting separation packages and faxing them to the Air Force Personnel Center.  She seems exceedingly lovely, funny, and not at all the frightening, overbearing Type A personality that the personnel careerfield seems to attract.  Of course, this is just first impressions alone, and I've yet to actually work with her, but it seems as though my (hopefully) last few months in the Air Force won't be entirely miserable.

I've recently discovered the hilarious comedy of Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French.  You may know Jennifer Saunders from the British comedy series "Absolutely Fabulous" and Dawn French from "The Vicar of Dibley"--both very funny shows as well.  Originally the two were partners with a sketch comedy show on the BBC parodying movies, tv shows, celebrities, music--pretty much anything pop culture is up for grabs.  So I've been going through everything that Netflix has to offer on these two and they absolutely slay me.  I will warn you that it's definitely very British comedy and you'll probably either love it or just completely not get it at all, but I think it's certainly worth a try if you're looking for a good laugh.

(In a parody of "Gone With the Wind"' Jennifer is affecting a Southern accent)
Jennifer: Oh, whatever will I wear to the party tonight, Mammy?
Dawn: (In her normal English accent) I thought you were going to wear this frock.
Jennifer: (Grabs the dress) Oh fiddle-dee-dee!
Dawn: Should I have that dry-cleaned then?
Jennifer: (reverts to her English accent) What??
Dawn: The dress... Do you want me to go and drop it at the dry cleaners?
Jennifer: Maybe you should just go and beat it on a rock!
Dawn: What?  Why??
Jennifer: Because you're my SLAVE!!