Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Walking on Air

My package for separation from the Air Force has been turned in to the appropriate parties.  I have requested a Date of Separation of March 2, 2007.  And now we wait to see if it will be approved or not.  And we also will now start actually meaning it when we say things about "sticking to a budget" and "trying to save money" and "not buying designer purses and shoes every few weeks".  Because holy crap I may be completely out of a job in 7 months.

Honestly though, as many of you have pointed out, this is a decision that has been a long time coming and I think all along I knew what my ultimate choice would be.  I'm just the type of girl that needs plenty of encouragement and shoulder patting along the way--which pretty much explains why I blog to begin with!  Who me?  Craving attention?  Surely not...

Anyway, it's kind of strange how life seems to be coming together for me lately.  In fact, I've been kind of afraid to mention it because I've been convinced that if I talk about it too much it will all vanish into thin air.  I've always been this way about good news--hoarding them to myself for fear that if I share too much and show that I'm too happy Someone Somewhere will decide that I'm just not worthy and take it all away.  Apparently my outlook on life was shaped by all of those Greek tragedies I read in my childhood.

In news that will shock and surprise probably no one, Colby and I have been discussing, pretty seriously, a positive reconciliation.  As I've said before, we had decided to remain friends after the breakup and a couple of months ago I started to wonder just how much I really believed that we were "just friends".  After a number of dramatic monologues on my part we decided that a visit would be in order to see how things would be in person.  The visit took place a couple of weeks ago, and in my opinion was quite satisfactory.  I think if you were to ask him he would probably agree, though the lack of green chile chicken enchiladas was duly noted.  We've been talking regularly since then and I admit that I'm feeling very good about the direction we're taking.  ::Cue thunder strike and lightening bolt from a jealous Zeus::

So, there.  I've gone ahead and shared my good news and probably without doubt you can expect a tearful post from me in a matter of weeks lamenting the sorry state of my life with a healthy ration of tears, angst, and discontent.  "Tomorrow Is Another Day...: Your one stop shop for mental illness!!"

"Of Two Sisters One is Always the Watcher, One the Dancer"

~Louise Glück

My relationship with my sister, Brittany, has always been at worst tumultuous and at best an extension of myself.  Before moving away from home I almost missed the chance to say goodbye to her because of a terrible argument that could have caused permanent damage.  Our lives have been filled with moments like that--moments where you think you couldn't possibly dislike another person more followed up by moments where you realize how deep and empty the chasm would be without that person there.

I've been in awe of my sister my entire life.  Envying her ability to make friends effortlessly while I spend my life struggling to mask a social awkwardness and assuming that people won't like me.  Trying to copy her complete lack of fear when faced with a challenge that most people would assume she could never conquer while I quiver in horror at even the hint of the possibility of rejection.  I've spent my life feeling more like the younger sister adoring her older sister and trying to measure up in my own ways as the less pretty, less outgoing, less driven one in the family.  It's only been in the past couple of years, since we've become more secure in our own personalites, that she's shared with me her own insecurities and the parts of my life that she's always been envious of and struggled to measure up to herself.

As much as I've always felt our differences acutely, I've also always felt our similarities shining through.  Our tendencies to love something to the point of obsession.  Inflections in our voices when saying certain phrases.  Similar or identical movements when dancing or walking.  Finishing one another's sentences or not even needing to speak--conveying everything that we need to with a facial expression. 

This past weekend in New York is the first time in our adult lives that we've spent a few consecutive days with each other and no other buffer friends or family present.  I'll admit that I was a little bit nervous going up there that we wouldn't be able to fill our time or find enough to talk about, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  I was so impressed by the adult that she's grown into and can truly say that although there were certainly moments where I wanted to shove her down a flight of subway stairs (and I'm sure the feeling was mutual!) those moments were far outweighed by how much fun we had and how much we shared in conversation and experiences.

It makes me sad to realize that it's distinctly possible that we'll forever be separated by distance, but each time I see her I feel that somehow we've grown closer and more alike, despite the fact that our experiences and lives have made us more different.  And perhaps someday we will sit and watch our own children playing together and fighting together and hope and pray that they can find the same relationship that we've managed to forge over the years.  A relationship of protectiveness, love, laughter, tears, and friendship.

Britty, you'll always be my Rory.

"A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves--a special kind of double."
~Toni Morrison

I Don't Know Why I Even Try To Plan Anymore...

Yesterday at work we received a draft message that wasn't to become public release until today.  The message was in reference to Force Shaping and officially announced that this year a junior officer force shaping board would occur for 2004 graduates.  Basically that means that any junior officer in an overmanned career field can throw in the towel beginning on 31 July.  Monday.  If you want to try to stay in the Air Force you have to put together what is equivalent to a bragging sheet on your accomplishments in the military so far and then be racked and stacked against the other officers in your career field who are attempting to remain on active duty.

I found this out on the day after returning from leave.  After spending two evenings with a good friend who adores her job and can't stop talking about it.  After spending all 5 days of my leave dreading returning to work.  After spending the past few weeks trying to convince myself that I could learn to live with this life, that the benefits and the pay is worth the dread I feel every Sunday realizing that I have to face 5 more days of work before I can have two more days to myself.  When news of the force shaping board dropped, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and my answer was right there.

I really can't even figure out what my life will involve in six days nevermind in six months, but right now I'm thinking that I could feasibly be done with the Air Force by February or March of next year and then moving on to whatever the next step in my life will be at that point.  I could be out as early as I want, but waiting a few months will give me some time to save money and get some aspects of my personal life figured out--particularly in reference to where I'll be moving at that point.

I finally feel like I can make this decision without reservation.  Sure, I'm afraid of how I'll make a living when I don't have the security blanket of the military, but I know that if I'm ever going to not be completely miserable with my job I have to take this leap of faith.  It's distinctly possible that I'll be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but I'm willing to take that risk knowing that it's just as possible that I'll find a much happier life than the one that I've been living for the past 2 years.  Even now, nothing is definite with force shaping, so I'm really not leaping forward yet trying to figure out how the next few months will go, but I am allowing myself to feel a little bit of excitement knowing that the next chapter of my life could be beginning just around the corner.

Home Again, Home Again...

Well, I'm back in Little Rock now, and boy is it good to be back!  (Was that convincing?  Because I totally don't mean it, but I'm thinking if I just say it enough, maybe it'll be true...)  In all actuality, after spending 4 days in the City That Never Sleeps--and they are NOT joking about that never sleeping bit--Little Rock and the Air Force just seem even more unbearable than ever before. 

I had the most amazing time and spent an absolutely obscene amount of money--two activities that seem to go hand in hand in my life.  I have this firmly held belief that when one travels either to another country or a far superior city to one's own, one should spend a ridiculous amount of money on shoes in order to commemorate the event.  I think I certainly met my goal, and actually probably far exceeded it in this past weekend, stumbling across a fabulous deal on a pair of stunning Chloe platform heels and a gorgeous pair of black Steve Madden pumps.  Because truly?  A girl can NEVER have too many black heels!

I'd been to New York City before, a few years ago, and we hit up all of the Broadway plays and the tourist attractions like the Empire State Building, Times Square, etc, and while I had a good time I really didn't understand the attraction to living in the city.  This visit was much less touristy and I ended up feeling much more like a local--casually sipping margaritas in hole in the wall mexican restaurants, wandering Church Street on my own while my sister worked, making flirtatious eye contact with cute boys in Luna Park while pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw just waiting for Big to show up--and I could finally see what draws people to the city.  The way that you can be completely surrounded by hustle and bustle if you want or you can turn down a side street and find a quiet park to be alone in.  How you can pass through Little Italy, stumble into Chinatown, and then find yourself back out by the courthouse where Martha Stuart was arraigned all in the span of 10 minutes.  And the clothes!  And the shoes!  And the makeup!  Heaven, I tell you, Heaven!!

And, of course, there was Wicked.  I will pause for a moment of silent reverie while I think back to the glory of finally seeing Wicked come to life on stage only 4 rows away from us.  I spent pretty much the entire 2 hours and 45 minutes of the performance choked up and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the story and music that I've fallen in love with over the past 7 months was RIGHT THERE in front of me and I was finally able to experience it in the way that it was always intended to be experienced.  Whee!!!  Unfortunately, our stalking of the stage door following both the matinee and the evening performance was just not meant to come to fruition.  Two of the main characters came out to sign autographs, but all of the rest remained in hiding or managed to sneak out a super secret squirrel back exit.  But the experience was truly amazing and I'm bound and determined to get back there for another performance someday.

The one aspect of the visit that I wasn't a huge fan of was the fact that my sister's dorm room had no air conditioning and was absolutely STIFLING, even with 4 fans going at full blast.  However, that did just encourage us to stay out of the room and find other things to do with ourselves--primarily search out air conditioned locations at just about any cost.  Eleven dollars for a movie that I know for a fact I will probably fall asleep in, but know will be dark and cool?  Sign me up!

Anyway, as you've probably guessed, I did indeed take quite a few pictures, all of which are safely stored on my digital camera.  I'm planning to take my computer in to have the hard drive recovered and set up as soon as my next credit card billing cycle begins--the plastic needs a little time to recover.  But as soon as the computer is up and running, I assure you that you will receive a lovely photo essay of the trip with witty commentary included, free of charge.  Also, coming tomorrow, interesting developments in my Air Force future--not public release yet, but as soon as I can say something, believe me, I will!

Redux

"I see you parked in your favorite parking spot."

"What??"

"I can see where you parked your car."

"How can you see that?"

"It's on the computer, one of those satellite images.  A satellite just went over and took a new picture."

"Really?  How cool!  That's kind of creepy though..."

"Yeah, it's parked right next to a piguin..."

It's nice to know that some things never change.

My Big Fat Greek Friday

I know, very original title, isn't it?  Because I met a Greek guy, and it was on a Friday, and I'm just very witty as you can tell, particularly with my referential humor.  A regular Lorelai Gilmore.

Anyway, I was worried on Friday that my mood would crater by the end of the day, but I was lucky enough to continue with the fabulous happy streak all night and even into Saturday!  I met up with a friend and his wife who have just recently moved to Little Rock for his pilot training and went for sushi with some of his pilot training class.  I actually ended up having sushi for 3 meals in a row which is pretty funny if you knew me three years ago when I was making fun of people who ate raw fish.  After sushi we headed out to the Flying Saucer where some of my friends came and met up with us for drinks.  Enter sweet, charming, polite, complimentary and very interested Greek guy.  I had one of the best bar conversations I've ever had and it was really great to have a guy who I knew without a question was completely and totally into me.  Two bad things though: A) He lives in New York and B) Is only in town for a week so in all reality I'll probably never see him again.  He did give me his phone number and email address and told me that he'd keep in touch, so... we'll see... I guess...  At this point I honestly don't even know what I want to come from it.

I also ended up running into the guy that I dated for a few weeks a couple of months ago that I tried so hard to really like, and I was afraid it would be awkward since I'd never heard from him again after turning him down for a movie date.  However, I decided to approach him anyway since he was hanging out with some of my other friends and after a hug and a how are you doing went along my way.  I ended up very mature about the whole situation, the maturity of which is probably negated by the fact that I'm bragging about how mature I felt ;)  And then 15 minutes before closing I met another guy who was talking to another group of friends and we really hit it off, but got separated in the bar closing rush.  I told my friend about him and she said that she's seen him around before, so with any luck we'll cross paths again and match our stellar wits again--I love a guy who can deal with my calling him an asshole and come back with both guns firing!!

So, needless to say I didn't get any of that packing done this weekend--or the laundry that was to precede the packing.  I did however hit up the sales rack at Old Navy yesterday and found some killer deals on skirts and tank tops, so I'll be ready for the 100 degree weather!  Later today I plan dealing with a jerk boy that has really pushed the limits of my last nerve and then maybe after that I can at least get a packing list made.  I can't believe that in less than 48 hours I'll be on my way to NYC--Ack!!

Wheeeee!

I do not know why, but I am just in an INSANELY good mood today!  I don't have a particular reason, because seriously life is confusing me just as much as ever, but it's like today?  I DON'T GIVE A CRAP!!  I'm riding the high of 3 apple martinis from last night, the promise of a Johnny Depp-centric two hours tonight and a Peabody Rivertop party with hopefully at least one ridiculously expensive cranberry and vodka (which I just spelled crandberry and find extremely funny for no apparent reason).

I suppose my good mood could also be derived from the fact that it is now 1:46 and I have spent a grand total of 2 hours actually at work in my office since Tuesday.  I kind of LOVE that!

[Insert witty segue here]  Wednesday I brought my dogs to a leash free dog park and let them run wild with their own kind for a little while.  It was so interesting to see how their personalities shifted in the "pack mentality".  Jack became much more aggressive and refused to stop harrassing the other dogs.  At one point he was leading a pack of yipping dogs after a 6 month old German Sheppard whose tail he held firmly in his jaws glorying in the sound of the German Sheppard's terrified squeaks.  Shortly thereafter Jack was relegated back to his leash where he remained for the rest of the visit.  I'm just waiting for the day he messes with the wrong dog and is reminded that he's only 40 pounds and not, in fact, a heavy weight dog wrestling champion.  Ellie, on the other hand, was about as laid back and mellow as I've ever seen her.  She wasn't terribly interested in many of the other dogs and spent her time running around on her own eating foreign substances she found under rocks.  She had a fantastic time.

After the dog park, we brought them down to the river to go swimming for the first time.  I took some pretty adorable pictures, sadly my computer is STILL busted (did you know that it costs 99 DOLLARS to have them try to recover your hard drive??  ugh...) so you'll just have to imagine some tentative paddling on Jack's part and extremely enthusiastic Hungry, Hungry Hippos action from Ellie.  Apparently, viciously biting the water as you swim is helpful to staying afloat.  Who knew?

Anyway, it should be a pretty good, low drama weekend and the countdown is getting lower to my New York City trip next week!!  Just 4 more days to go until I am on the plane and off to take on the Big Apple with my sister.  I may even get frighteningly productive and do a little packing on Sunday--but don't hold me to it, I'm much more of a night-before-the-trip kind of packer.  Have a safe weekend, and maybe, just MAYBE I'll update you on the boy drama in my life on Monday... or maybe not... we'll see!

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Well.  I'll probably be away from here for the next couple of days dealing with this thing I like to call "life".  Life has been freaking me out a lot lately, and my good friend Lexapro has really helped me deal with it, but wow, I guess my dreams are starting to reflect what's going on in my world.

I usually don't remember my dreams.  I'll wake up, knowing that I dreamed something, but by the time I've opened my eyes the dream is nothing but a hazy mist, and by the time I'm fully awake I've really got nothing.  Typically when I have a dream that I remember, I remember it forever.  I can remember only four specific dreams--in my whole LIFE I've only had four dreams that I can really remember with sharp clarity.  And one of those dreams involved Huey, Duey, and Luey standing on a red carpet before a large golden throne.  Seriously.

Anyway, last night I had a dream that woke me up in cold sweats.  The cold sweats aren't terribly abnormal as my body temperature has a tendency to climb to staggering heights while I'm sleeping, turning my bed into the equivalent of Lake Superior, while my fan and air conditioning blast, freezing the crap out of me.  But a dream that wakes me up is, as I've said, very abnormal.

I dreamed that I was boarding a plane with my family and some friends (that I don't actually know in real life) to go to England.  The weird thing about the plane though was that it was a Cessna--and we weren't riding on the inside of it.  My mom and my sister climbed into the back seats, which were behind the fuselage of the plane, and my dad and I got into the front seats, perched outside and just below the cockpit.  So, we put on our seatbelts--because, you know, safety first and all.  Then we took off and I completely and utterly FREAKED OUT.  We were flying straight up into the air so that all I could see was blue skies and clouds and then we were going straight back down so that all there was for miles was the ground or the ocean.  And this sequence of events kept repeating:  up and then down, up and then down, the cold air whipping my hair around my face and my stomach lurching with each change in direction.  And the sense of terror that I felt is completely unspeakable, even now.  I was screaming, I was clinging to my dad as tightly as I could, begging for him to tell me when we could get off, and he just kept saying, "We're going to be fine, calm down, it's just a few more minutes."  To which I would reply, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  And cry.

We must have landed without incident though because the next thing I remember is all of us eating at a restaurant and my friends realizing that they hadn't remembered to bring their passports so they would need to go to the store to buy them.  I, however, had my passport.  Because obviously I have my shit together.  Then there was something about a very large stray dog whose nametag said that he was from Illinois wandering the streets of London.  This dog absolutely broke my heart and I was sobbing to my family that we had to take him back with us and bring him back to his family in Illinois so that he wouldn't be alone anymore.  But they replied that obviously the family didn't want the dog anymore or why would they have dumped him in London?  So I decided that the dog would just come with me into the restaurant.  And then the dog bit me.  Really hard.  Stupid dog.

I'm not really sure what that was all about.  But I just keep thinking about the dog and the plane.  I don't know if I really want to know what it means--I don't know if I truly believe that our dreams are telling us things or if it's just that I had a discussion last night about a large dog and a plane ride before I went to sleep.  And I don't know if it's my brain trying to tell me something about what's going on in my life right now.  Bleh.  Anyway. 

So, how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.

Maybe I Needed That?

Well, I certainly wish that I had some kind of fascinating stories for you about my wild and crazy antics this weekend.  Unfortunately, however, there were absolutely no antics as this was one of the most boring weekends I've had in the past few months. 

Friday we decided to lay low to recover from Thursday and made plans to go out dancing on Saturday.  Saturday rolls around and I heard from another friend who was heading to Hot Springs for a free SheDaisy concert.  I turned her down though since I'd already made plans with the other friend, however come 7:30 when I still hadn't heard back from that friend I realized that I was getting ditched for a guy and by then the train had already left the station for Hot Springs.  So, I watched The Princess Diaries.  For the billionth time.  I've got to say though, I really do love that movie--how cute are Julie Andrews and Hector Elizondo at the end?

I also decided that it's time to start getting back into my running.  I've slacked off pretty seriously since going home for the wedding and it's amazing how hard it is to get started again after a few weeks away.  The thing is though, I may have gone and signed myself up for a women's marathon relay.  Which would require running 6.5 miles.  Which is hilarious since I've never run more than 3 miles at one time in my entire life.  It's just a maybe right now though, I told a girl that I'd do it as long as I can run slow, but I haven't heard if we're all actually signed up or not.  I crack myself up.

So, Sunday rolled around and I spent the day recovering from my recovery... which is to say watching all of my Tivo'd episodes of Gilmore Girls from this past week and talking to the boy with minimal dramatics.  We were going to hang out last night, but he had to take a raincheck.  So hopefully that will actually happen at some point this week.  If not... well... I'll just find some other way to entertain myself!

For now though, I need to go practice a speech about Force Shaping modifications that I'm giving later today at a commander's call.  Sounds thrilling, right?  Yeah, I have no idea what I'm going to say.  Here's hoping I don't throw up or pass out from nerves in front of a bunch of pilots.  Because I don't think I'd ever live that one down.

Just Another Thursday Night

I have seriously got to start chilling out on the Thursday night adventures.  They always seem to follow a set schedule:

Step 1) Think to self:  I'm not going to drink much tonight--I have a big day tomorrow and I hate being wiped out on Friday.

Step 2) Go out, drink rather a lot.

Step 3) Make ill advised decisions involving members of the opposite sex.

Step 4) Drama ensues.

Step 5) Cry just a little.

Step 6) Go to sleep.

I'm really not a dramatic person (okay, maybe I am a little, but not usually with people outside of my immediate family), but this guy just inspires the Crazy in me and I kind of hate that.  Plus, apparently I am manipulative, which I completely disagree with and definitely hate that he thinks that--if he really thinks that--but whatever.  Still, it seemed all good this morning--and isn't this what your early 20s are supposed to be all about anyway?  Miscommunication, dramatics, and alcohol?

Anyway, I didn't even have time to take a shower, just wake up later than planned, get a ride home, Superman drill it into my uniform and fling myself back into my car to fly into work.  And of course get stuck behind a cop the whole way there which forced me to go the speed limit.  And the cop's number on the back of his car was 420.  Does anyone else see the humor in that??

So, I'm disgusting, I smell like a bar, I still have on last night's makeup, my hair is plastered to my head unattractively, I had one of the most confusing nights of my life and yet I still feel more awake and alive than I have any other day this week.  As screwed up as life is right now, I have to admit, I'm kind of enjoying the ride.

Change in Topics...

I was sitting here, writing a silly post about relationships, when my boss walked into my office.  She asked me if I knew one of the lieutenants in another squadron who is getting ready to move.  I said that I did and expected that she'd say that there were some problems with his orders or that something had gone wrong with the movers yesterday.  Instead, she told me that his parents had been in an accident last night, his mother didn't make it, and his father was on a ventilator, so we'd need to delay his move.

I don't even know what to say.  I'm not exceptionally close to this guy, but I've hung out with him before and one of my closest friends here is his roommate.  I called my friend as soon as my boss left to see how the other guy is doing and she didn't sound good at all, so I know it must have been a rough night.  I asked if there was anything that we could do and she couldn't think of anything, and just said how helpless she felt.  There is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to make this okay or make it better.  I guess I could say a lot of cliche things right now about how you should appreciate what you have in your life right now because you don't know when you could lose it, but really all I can think is holy crap, this sucks.

I will say this though--now I feel like all of the things I was going to complain about are pretty petty in comparison.  I mean, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to whining about guys and my job and how demonic the dogs are being, but for today I know that I would take all of those problems in spades over what this guy is having to go through right now.  And actually, are those problems even really that problematic?  Heck, the guys in my life may take me on a rollercoaster of emotions, but for every bad experience I have I know that I also have some really great times with them.  My job may make me utterly miserable, but at least I HAVE a job which is more than a large portion of the population can say.  And sure, the dogs are spawns of Satan, but they're also cute and furry and they love me unconditionally, which is pretty freaking awesome.  And most of all I know that I can call my parents and they'll be there to answer the phone and listen to me complain about all of this drama and angst--I know that they'll be there and that's the most important thing.

Lists Help Diffuse Awkward Situations

1)  I'm still not sure what I should write about because I don't know if the guy still reads this or not.  If he does, um, hi!

2)  I still like the guy but I can't read him... I'm not sure if he really gets that I'm into him.  I should just stop there.

3)  I also still like the other guyfriend and went to an awesome party at his place yesterday.  Nothing happened.  Because I'm a chicken.  But the cops showed up when we started doing fireworks.  We stopped doing fireworks shortly thereafter.

4)  I missed writing here SOOOOOO much.  Every blessed thing that happened the whole time I was gone, all I could think was what great material it would be.

5)  I've forgotten it all now.  I've been tipsy/drunk a lot lately.

6)  My parents came up for the long weekend and I had so much fun with them.  I love that I really like my family.

7)  I hosted my first ever dinner party.  I think it went well--we ran out of chairs, so I think that's a good sign.

8)  I didn't have to do dishes at said dinner party because I have completely awesome friends.

9)  Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts in my last post.  My computer is still crapped out so I haven't been able to respond to all of you, but I will soon.  Like I said, I still feel weird about this, but I can't give up writing in this medium and I guess anyone who would ask that of me isn't going to work out anyway.

10) WHY do I like these freaking unavailable men???

11) I'm getting ready to go to a retirement ceremony for the coolest Colonel I've ever known.  I'm pretty sad that he's leaving.

12) But I do love retirement cake.

13) We watched Just Friends last night--it was absolutely HILARIOUS!  "I'm sorry I'm not the most boring person ever!... I'm sorry I'm not poor!... I'm sorry I don't have a fat ass!"  Hee!

14) I guess this means I'm back... we'll see how this goes!