I Hate This

There's nothing quite like getting a phone call from your father at eight o'clock on a Thursday night informing you that your depression has managed to transcend almost 400 miles of territory and become obvious to pretty much EVERYONE but you and it's time to stop living in a dream world where I think everything is just groovy.  Denial:  It ain't just a river in Egypt.

I decided to stop taking my Happy Drugs/Crazy Pills a few months ago because I felt like I had reached a place where I could handle life on my own, without the interference of an outside substance.  I am strong.  My life is generally good.  I should be happy.  I was also feeling odd flutters in my chest at times and I was discouraged because I couldn't see a big change for the better in my personality.  Although apparently other people did.

But I've managed to lie to myself for all these months that I was doing great.  That I am happy.  That this exhaustion I've been whining about is just because I have a lot going on.  That the constant ache in the back of my throat as I hold back the tears that perpetually threaten to overwhelm me is just a part of my drama queen personality.  That the intense highs I feel when FINALLY for ONCE something good happens, that are then followed by deep, terrifying descents into despair and anger, are normal. 

I'm not happy.  I'm not doing great.  I'm intensely UNhappy.  I don't sleep properly.  I don't function properly when I'm awake.  I snap at people with the tiniest provocation and as much as I've blamed SJB for handling this whole situation horribly (which he did) I know that I have just as much part in the dramatics of the past two months.  I should have been strong enough and stable enough to walk away ages ago, but a pathetic desperation kept me hanging on.  And I hate being pathetic.  And desperate.  It disgusts me in other girls, and now I see it in myself.  I've made some incredibly unwise decisions over the past few weeks, things that I wish to God I could take back.  If I had a better self image, if I could be happy with myself and with life, I think I wouldn't have made those decisions.

I need help, and that's okay to admit, and to really believe.  I've said it before, but I don't think I realized just how much I needed it.  I thought there could be a quick fix, just a temporary pick me up, and I'd be fine.  But the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see now that I'm far from fine.  So, I've made my appointment and I'm ready to take back control of my life.  I want to go back to a life where the highs may not be so high, but the lows also won't be so low.  I just want to remember what it's like to feel happy without the expectation that soon to follow will be a crash of immense proportions.  I want to be content again.  I remember that there was a time when I was, and I want to find that again.

Comments

[400 Miles Away]

Remember that the bad times pass...

"The tragedies that now blacken and darken the very air of heaven for us will sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight."

Authur Christopher Bacon

Anyone going through the loss process would really benefit from going to the following web site (In addition to Lexapro and Ambien): ?
http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html

[Dawn]

I'm so sorry - I know how frustrating it is. I'll keep my fingers crossed and think good thoughts for you.

[RisibleGirl]

Depression is a sneaky devil, really. I've struggled with depression many times in my life, and so has my youngest son. My mother would never admit it, and gets mad at the doctors when they try to prescribe anti-depressant meds. My b-father? Well, if you'll recall, he shot himself in the head. Soooooooo, I *KNOW* I'm predisposed to depression. I know the signs, but sometimes it just creeps up until one day, you're in full blown depression, wondering where that came from.

I've been off depression meds for about 7 years now, but have also made the mistake of taking myself off my meds too soon in the past. My doctor said that a good rule of thumb is to be on them for the length of time you suffered with clinical depression. I think she was right about that.

So, kiddo, you've made the first step- REALIZING what is going on. You've also started the ball rolling on the second step. This shows just how healthy you really are. You realize that, don't you? The fact that you care enough about yourself to get to the doctor is pretty huge.

And.... for the record, I agree with you. It's TOTALLY OK to admit that you need help. Yup.

xoxoxo (to infinity)

[wordnerd]

Good for you! I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself. Thanks for taking care of YOU.

[annie]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time, and I'm proud of you for taking charge, as you always do so well in life. Please know that I and all your other friends and loved ones -- "real" and "Virtual" are here for you. Great big hug! Looking forward to seeing you next weekend! Seriously, you're my hero! I hope you know that!

And you can always call -- even at 3:30 a.m. Wait, you already know that, don't you? :)

[E]

Going through a tough time myself right now, so I'm just gonna give you ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))). Dontcha love RG? She's a smart lady...but you already know that. :-)

[sophie]

Good for you for realizing it. I don't know why it is so hard for people (including me) to admit they need that kind of help. Happy drugs are for a physical condition--not like taking uppers or something. Not many people are embarassed they have diabetes or asthma. Anyhow, many good thoughts headed you way. (along with a couple of "better late than never" CDs I promised) Hang in there!

[Lynn]

Sweetie, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time! I hope everything turns out for the best!

[M]

Just hugging. :)