The internet was down at work all day and I've been suffering from withdrawal because all of the things that wanted to rush out yesterday have finally slowed down enough for me to wrap my mind around it and all I wanted was to write write write. Instead I was forced to work. That always stinks. Anyway, onto the actual meat of the entry.
Growing up in Baton Rouge, I spent my entire childhood through young adult years wanting desperately to get out, move AWAY! I wasn't ever really sure where away was, but it was always somewhere way better than where I was living. Where I didn't have curfews and could eat as much chocolate as I wanted and maybe had actual seasons. This imaginary place sounded fantastic, and I just COULDN'T WAIT to get OUT and be a grown up person.
So, now I'm a grown up person. And I live in Little Rock. And it's so not the way I'd imagined it would be. The thing is, after this last visit home, I realize just how much I miss Baton Rouge. I guess you just can't live somewhere for 16 years and not form an intense attachment to it. I miss the familiarity of knowing where all the stores are and where the cheaper gas is. I miss being able to drive around LSU and see the kids walking to class, going to visit Mike the Tiger in his cage, going to football games and screaming myself hoarse--even if we're losing. I miss having family and old friends around that know me through and through and I don't have to make an effort to have fun with--I can just "be" with. And now being back here is that much harder because I know just how much I DON'T want to be here. Going to work is so much harder because I know I could have a job that I really wanted if I could just be back home. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's so hard to see the path that will get me there, right now everything just seems dark and black and the light seems very, very far away.
And then on top of that I keep getting myself involved in these horrible guy situations that just end up crushing me into oblivion. I try so hard to not get attached because I know how easily I get hurt, but every time I meet a new guy I think, "this one will be different!" and I throw caution to the wind. And then I end up crying for a week and kicking myself for being so stupid yet again. Honestly, I can't go into a lot of details about this last guy, but we spent about 4 days total hanging out and, I thought, totally clicking. He talked a lot about how much he wanted a relationship, we talked about kids and all the places that we'd like to live someday, he helped me with my car, he tried to impress me at restaurants... and still I managed to keep my distance, treat it like a fun "summer romance" because I knew he was leaving soon. But then the last day that we were together, he dropped the "I'll call you" bomb, and said it oh so sincerely. In fact, he even said "I'll call you in a few days... unless you don't want to keep in touch with me..." kind of hesitantly like I was going to shoot him down. And then he said it again... "I'll call you in a few days." And I really thought he would. And once again I was wrong. And once again I've spent the past three days trying to figure out how I could have seen this coming... how I could have let my guard down once again... why I keep trusting people when time and time again they prove to me that they can't be trusted.
A lady at work gave me her son's phone number and said that she'd really like me to call him and meet. Because "there are so few nice girls out there." So, I ask you. If there are so few nice girls out there, and I seem to be one of them, then why oh why is it that none of these guys can see that? Why am I so easy to let go of? So now I'm so scared to even contact this guy--not because I think we wouldn't hit it off, but because I'm afraid we would. I'm afraid of getting attached again. Getting hurt again. Letting a person in again. And then being left alone at the end... wondering.
All I really want is to go home.
Ya know? I've thought about introducing you to one of my sons because they're YOUR age (how old does that make me feel? bleh!) and I just *adore* you. But the truth is, they are/were at an age where substance didn't matter.
Now, I'm happy to say, my oldest (the one I thought of introducing you too) is with a woman of substance. But she is his high school sweetheart, the girl I've loved for like, FOREVER!
I think the deal is that you're with guys who aren't looking for girls of substance- something that I think you are...
I hope this doesn't sound depressing- but maybe in a few years when you're older, you'll find the guys who understand what's really important.
Posted by: RisibleGirl | June 14, 2006 at 06:07 AM
You've heard this a gazillion times I know, but hang in there! It will happen, and probably when you least expect. (I just wrote a sappy post about when it happened for me coincidentally) It's hard. Anyway, I agree with Risible, the problem is with the guys you are dealing with. They have a problem. Hope things get better!
Posted by: shpprgrl | June 14, 2006 at 06:40 AM
Oh, Ang...
You know you grow just a little bit from every experience. These guys (yeah, you're going to hear it again) don't know what they're missing. Your Mister Right WILL come along...and you'll sweep HIM right off his feet!
In the meantime, don't give into pessimism and bitterness. Enjoy the moments. You've so much ahead of you.....
xo
Posted by: Anonymous G | June 14, 2006 at 06:57 AM
It's tough not to start putting those walls up, and then the next sincere guy pays the price. I experienced somethign similar recently, and I just dont' understand men that talk that way and don't have any intention of even seeing you more than a couple of times. Dating sucks.
Posted by: Becky | June 14, 2006 at 07:08 AM
Awww, I hate to hear how down you are. Sometimes things just look really desperate, and I know the last thing you need is unsolicited assvice, but just hang on. You're beautiful, smart, introspective...someone is going to discover that!
And in the meantime, come visit us in BR -- it's good for the soul! I'm curious where you grew up here...e-mail me sometime.
Posted by: wordnerd | June 14, 2006 at 05:16 PM
First of all - the new picture of you is fabulous!
Secondly - Might I recommend the book, "Why Men Marry Bit#%*s"(Keeping it G rated) by Sherry Argov.
Take your time. You can afford to be picky in order to find who truly deserves you.
Posted by: Kendra | June 14, 2006 at 08:01 PM
Thank you, Kendra!
Posted by: Mama | June 14, 2006 at 11:49 PM