Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Things This Week That I Have Thought About, But Couldn't Figure Out How To Form Into a Full Post

1)  If you have a 1980 Ford with a rusted paint job so that the tailgate is a red color and the rest is a sort of sickly pea green, should you really be allowed to have an "Antique Car" license plate?  Because where I come from we call that a Piece of Shit and put it up on blocks in our front yards.

2)  Does Jack really look like a bear?  Because after taking him outside the other day, we were walking back to my apartment and a lady says to her friend, "Well, there's your bear!"  And the other lady smiled and said, "Oh, yeah, I thought I saw a bear in the woods.  You must have been camouflaged!"  And I don't think she was joking...

3)  Do you think Kellie Pickler would have had a better chance on American Idol if they hadn't insisted on dressing her like a drag queen ever week?  Did you SEE her makeup?  Talk about looking like it got slapped on with a trowel by an 80s Madonna fan.  (Just editing to say, I am NOT a Kellie Pickler fan by any stretch, and it's totally been her turn to go for about 3 weeks now.  But I think she would have kept her voters on her side if she hadn't been turned out like a Ru Paul wanna-be every week!)  Geaux Katharine!

4)  I was watching The Office last night when I realized that I have a friend who is very much the "Jim" to my "Pam", in that I love talking to him, we share the most hilarious jokes that are probably only funny to us, we pick on each other constantly, and I adore him.  Except he's the one that's married to a great girl, with two absolutely adorable kids.  And I don't think I'm actually attracted to him.  But still, it was kind of depressing because ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN!!

5)  Yeah, this still isn't much of a post, and I need to go blow my nose.

Finally, Something Worth Talking About

I've been putting off writing this post for so long now that I don't even know where to begin.  I started out not writing about it because I told myself I was protecting my family's privacy, but that was a big fat lie, because actually I was just protecting myself from confronting a really scary situation in black and white. 

It all goes back to a time last fall when I was sitting at my desk at work and got a phone call from my dad.  My dad doesn't call all that often, and in the past year I'd lost two grandparents and learned about it over the phone, so I'd rather come to dread his phone calls.  However, at this point my one remaining grandmother seemed to be in fairly good health, so I figured I was in the clear.  I couldn't have been more wrong. 

He was calling to tell me that my mother had breast cancer.

I broke down in my office and sobbed.  All I really remember is my coworker closing the door so that the important people out in the waiting area wouldn't have to be privy to a wailing 2nd Lieutenant.  I didn't know what to do at that point.  I couldn't go home because I had to save my leave days for the upcoming trip to Washington, and in all honesty, what would be the point in going home?  Going home wouldn't help anything, but it really only made me feel horribly selfish that I was in essence choosing a trip with my boyfriend over my sick mother.

But cancer?  Other people get cancer.  Your friends' relatives.  People on the news.  People in movies and TV get cancer.  You MOTHER does not get cancer.  And certainly not something so cliche as BREAST CANCER.  I used to roll my eyes at movies about children who lost their mothers to cancer, because honestly, how overdone is that?  All I could think about was my creative writing teacher in college telling us to never use the phrase "tires crunching on gravel" or the plotline of cancer because they were both so overused in literature.  And yet, here it was, plaguing my family like, well, a cancer.

Following that phone call were some of the most difficult months of my life because I felt so separated from my family.  When I felt like I was needed the most, I couldn't be there.  They encouraged me to live my life and not feel guilty, but I was raised on guilt, I thrive on guilt, and so I felt the guilt of not being there.  All the phone calls and postcards in the world weren't the same as being there when my mom got out of surgery, but that's all I could do, wait for the phone calls that always filled me with dread.

Christmas at home was terrifying.  It was the first time I had seen my mother since the surgery and the chemo had begun, and she was so changed.  It broke my heart to see her try so hard to be strong for us when all we gave a flip about was that she get well.  She spent most of my visit home in the hospital for complications from the chemo, and again I was filled with such guilt that she had spent all her energy trying to make our Christmas so wonderful when what she should have been doing was just resting.  I've never before in my life seen my parents look so small and helpless, but I think somehow it made me understand them on a new level.  That they're just people, like me, and they aren't superhuman.

But we made it through.  I don't roll my eyes anymore at tv shows when a mother has cancer.  I treasure my family so much more now than I used to, and have learned that as independent as I am, I rely on their strength much more than I ever realized.  I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach anytime I get a phone call from my dad, but it gets a little less scary every time.  I hate that now when I go to the gynecologist I have to say, yes, I have breast cancer in my immediate family.  But we're lucky, because her prognosis is good.  I suppose there will always be fear associated with the return of the cancer, but that's a battle we'll fight only if we have to.

Not everyone is as lucky as my family is.  Many people lose their mothers, daughters, sisters, friends to breast cancer every year.  I'd love to say someday that in my lifetime I watched breast cancer, as a deadly disease, be eradicated.  The lovely Heather B. of No Pasa Nada will be running in the National Race for the Cure, and if you'd like to support her you can go here to make a donation.  Or if you'd prefer to donate more locally, you can go here to find a race event near you.  Because everyone should be able to have healthy boobies, and we can actually do something to help!

Dyyyyyiiiiing...

Good morning, internet.  I'm just dropping in to tell you that I'm dying.  It's true.  If you can die of a sore throat and weird dizzy feeling in your head, then yes, I am definitely dying.

However, I soldier on like a trooper.  Not because I want to, but because since I moved to Arkansas I've been sick approximately 70% of the time I've lived here.  Seriously, the day I drove up here I got sick and it's sort of been all down hill from there.  Do you think that you can actually be allergic to a city?  Because I think I'm allergic to Little Rock.

Hear that Air Force?  I need to go home, I'm sick of Little Rock!  HA!

Anyway, point being that I've pretty much pushed the limits of how many days one can call in from their warm, comfy bed and tell their boss that they are in fact dying and therefore will not be in the office today.  So, I sit here with my weird chills, sore throat, and dizziness, but sadly with no outward signs of illness that would inspire anyone to run toward me with arms outstretched and usher me to my car, urging me to please, please go home now!  You could still make it to your couch in time for The View!

So, instead I'm just going to crawl under my desk and take a nap now.  Ciao.

The Most Amazing Meme I've Ever Come Across!!

I try not to rely on memes as a source of content for the site, not because I'm a huge snob, but because I look at this as a way to force myself to write creatively on a semi-regular basis.  However, I ran across this one Red Shoe Ramblings, a site that I visited for the first time today, and I just had to steal it.  And I can claim that it is literary!  And therefore intellectual!  I've tweaked it just a little bit so that I'm including my impressions of the books that I've read.  There's also some fun linky links if you're bored at work and looking for something to do (which, you know, is TOTALLY not me).  I know, such the overachiever, right? 

Right then, here we go!

• Bold the ones you've read
• Italicize the ones you might like to read
• Put question marks - ?? - by any titles and/or authors you've never heard of
• Put an asterisk - * - if you've read a different title by the same author.

*Alcott, Louisa May - Little Women (I think I read this book at least 10 times growing up, and was the first book that ever made me cry.  I can still remember sitting in our formal living room reading before bedtime and SOBBING when Beth died.  I was absolutely obsessed with Louisa May Alcott, which was, I suppose a sort of foreshadowing of my Gone with the Wind obsession)
Allende, Isabel - The House of Spirits
Angelou, Maya - I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Atwood, Margaret - Cat's Eye
*Austen, Jane - Emma (My absolute favorite Austen novel--I want to BE Emma!)
??Bambara, Toni Cade - Salt Eaters
??Barnes, Djuna - Nightwood
de Beauvoir, Simone - The Second Sex
*Blume, Judy - Are You There God? It's Me Margaret (The thing is, I know I read this, because I read all of the Judy Blume books, but I honestly can't remember anything about it.  Was this the one with "we must, we must, we must increase our bust"?  Anyway, Starring Sally J. Freedman, As Herself was my favorite Blume book.  It was right up there with Little Women on my top played list.)
Burnett, Frances - The Secret Garden (Another childhood favorite... I'm noticing a pattern here!  All of the books that I loved as a child were thoroughly worn out and I really felt as though I knew the characters.  That's what makes me want to write, I think, to have that effect in someone's life--wow, what a rush!  Anyway, I also adore both versions of the movie.  Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?)
Bronte, Charlotte - Jane Eyre (Meh, it was okay.  I read it in high school, so maybe I should give it another chance now.  I just remember kind of hating Jane.)
Bronte, Emily - Wuthering Heights (Oh.  My.  God.  I LOVE this book!  It's so beautifully dark and tragic, and I want so desperately to find this kind of love.  Except not die alone on the moors... because I think that would actually sort of suck.)
Buck, Pearl S. - The Good Earth (This is another one I had to read for high school, and really don't remember.  I'm pretty good at reading things that I truly despise and absorbing just enough to write a paper or pass a test but immediately dump it afterwards.  This talent was cultivated further as an English Lit major.)
??Byatt, A.S. - Possession
Cather, Willa - My Antonia
*Chopin, Kate -The Awakening (I took an entire class on just Chopin by a top scholar on her work in college and immediately fell in love with her work.  If you want a good look at her amazing writing and don't have the time to invest in reading a whole novel go here and read "The Story of an Hour"--it'll take 10 minutes tops.  It gives you the gist of her genre and themes and will hopefully get you hooked so you'll want to read more!)
*Christie, Agatha - Murder on the Orient Express
??Cisneros, Sandra - The House on Mango Street
Clinton, Hillary Rodham - Living History
??Cooper, Anna Julia - A Voice From the South
??Danticat, Edwidge - Breath, Eyes, Memory
??Davis, Angela - Women, Culture, and Politics
??Desai, Anita - Clear Light of Day
*Dickinson, Emily - Collected Poems (My favorite Dickinson poem is "I'm Nobody! Who Are You?"  This is another collection that I'd love to reread as an adult.)
*Duncan, Lois - I Know What You Did Last Summer (I knew and loved this book waaaay before it was a cheesy J. Lo. Hewitt vehicle!  Lois Duncan was one of my favorite YA authors--particularly Killing Mr. Griffin.  I still get chills thinking of those books!)
*DuMaurier, Daphne - Rebecca (I dreamt I went to Manderly again...  For some reason, one of the most haunting first lines I've ever read.  I love both the novel and the Hitchcock movie.)
*Eliot, George - Middlemarch (I read Adam Bede in college and liked it well enough, but probably not enough to inspire me to make it through Middlemarch.)
??Emecheta, Buchi - Second Class Citizen
??Erdrich, Louise - Tracks
Esquivel, Laura - Like Water for Chocolate
*Flagg, Fannie - Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (I think Fannie Flagg is fabulous!  In high school I read Welcome to the World, Baby Girl and one of our assignments was to write "the next chapter", and mine got read aloud in class.  Because I am awesome.  But I may have mentioned that before.)
Friedan, Betty - The Feminine Mystique
*Frank, Anne - Diary of a Young Girl (Yep, you guessed it, another repeat read on my bookshelf.  I loved Anne so much, and this was the book that opened my eyes as a child to the horrors of the Holocaust.  In fact, this book inspired me to name my diary--but not to actually write in it with any regularity.  There's a collection of her short stories that I highly recommend if you're an Anne fan.)
Gilman, Charlotte Perkins - The Yellow Wallpaper (Oh my God.  This gave me nightmares for ages... it still does.  It's so prim and proper and utterly terrifying!!  Go here and check it out...)
??Gordimer, Nadine - July's People
Grafton, Sue - S is for Silence (I've read these here and there... mostly as audiobooks during long car trips.  They're fairly entertaining even though they've kind of gotten to Mary Higgins Clarkesque levels of predictability.)
??Hamilton, Edith - Mythology
Highsmith, Patricia - The Talented Mr. Ripley
??hooks, bell - Bone Black
*Hurston, Zora Neale - Dust Tracks on the Road (I never read this, but I loved Their Eyes Were Watching God.  Beautifully told love story.)
Jacobs, Harriet - Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl (I don't remember too much about this except that she was being raped by her owner, which is always pretty horrible to read about.  Another college lit class read.)
Jackson, Helen Hunt - Ramona (Yeah, in case you're wondering, that's not Ramona Quimby... I found this out at a young age and was rather disappointed.)
*Jackson, Shirley - The Haunting of Hill House (I think she wrote The Lottery?)
Jong, Erica - Fear of Flying
Keene, Carolyn - The Nancy Drew Mysteries (Just about every one out there!  I think the more "updated" series were pretty disappointing, but the old school Nancy took about two shelves worth of space in my bedroom.)
Kidd, Sue Monk - The Secret Life of Bees
??Kincaid, Jamaica - Lucy
Kingsolver, Barbara - The Poisonwood Bible
??Kingston, Maxine Hong - The Woman Warrior
??Larsen, Nella - Passing
*L'Engle, Madeleine - A Wrinkle in Time (I'm starting to get repetitive here, but seriously, this is an awesome list of books!  This is another one that I read repeatedly between the ages of about 12 and 14.)
Le Guin, Ursula K .- The Left Hand of Darkness
Lee, Harper-To Kill a Mockingbird (It would be kind of funny if I put an asterisk next to her name, wouldn't it!  Again, a true classic in every sense of the word.  Just say the name Boo Radley and I'll probably start crying.  See, there I go...)
??Lessing, Doris - The Golden Notebook
??Lively, Penelope - Moon Tiger
??Lorde, Audre - The Cancer Journals
Martin, Ann M. - The Babysitters Club Series (And during my not so literary periods in childhood these were always a fabulous fallback!  My favorite was Kristy, but I really wanted to be Stacy.  You know, minus the diabetes.)
??McCullers, Carson - The Member of the Wedding
McMillan, Terry - Disappearing Acts
??Markandaya, Kamala - Nectar in a Sieve
??Marshall, Paule - Brown Girl, Brownstones
Mitchell, Margaret - Gone with the Wind (GAH!!  LOVE!!!  CANNOT SPEAK!!  IN RAPTURES!!)
*Montgomery, Lucy - Anne of Green Gables (I think I own pretty much ever L.M. Montgomery book ever published, and she was another HUGE influence on my desire to be a writer.  I adore Anne Shirley, but my all time favorites of hers were the Emily of New Moon series.  I had such a crush on Gilbert and Teddy!!)
??Morgan, Joan - When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost
Morrison, Toni - Song of Solomon
??Murasaki, Lady Shikibu - The Tale of Genji
Munro, Alice - Lives of Girls and Women (Absolutely fantastic short story writer... I don't know if she wrote novels as well, but I love her collections.)
Murdoch, Iris - Severed Head
??Naylor, Gloria - Mama Day
Niffenegger, Audrey - The Time Traveller's Wife
*Oates, Joyce Carol - We Were the Mulvaneys (Another great one... go read her short story Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?  Fantastically creepy...)
*O'Connor, Flannery - A Good Man is Hard to Find (Great stories with just enough of the bizarre to keep you interested without getting tiresome)
??Piercy, Marge - Woman on the Edge of Time
Picoult, Jodi - My Sister's Keeper
Plath, Sylvia - The Bell Jar (I just watched Sylvia, and now I'm dying to read this)
??Porter, Katharine Anne - Ship of Fools
Proulx, E. Annie - The Shipping News
Rand, Ayn - The Fountainhead
*Ray, Rachel - 365: No Repeats (Okay... I'm lying, I've never read anything of hers, but I watch her show obsessively, so I think that's deserving of an asterisk at the very least!!)
??Rhys, Jean - Wide Sargasso Sea
??Robinson, Marilynne - Housekeeping
??Rocha, Sharon - For Lac
Sebold, Alice - The Lovely Bones (A beautiful story about grief and acceptance.  If you've lost someone close to you recently it may be too hard to read, but personally I found it incredibly cathartic.)
Shelley, Mary - Frankenstein
Smith, Betty - A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (See, the thing is, I know I read this.  And I know I really, really liked it... but that's truly all I can remember!  Maybe something about playing on her fire escape??)
??Smith, Zadie - White Teeth
Spark, Muriel - The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (movie! heh)
Spyri, Johanna - Heidi (Such a good book with some pretty great movies to follow.  Yeah... that's all I've got...)
??Strout, Elizabeth - Amy and Isabelle
Steel, Danielle - The House
Tan, Amy - The Joy Luck Club
??Tannen, Deborah - You're Wearing That
??Ulrich, Laurel - A Midwife's Tale
??Urquhart, Jane - Away
*Walker, Alice - The Temple of My Familiar (I feel like I've read something of hers... not The Color Purple... but I can't figure out what.  Probably a short story...)
*Welty, Eudora - One Writer's Beginnings (Same thing here... probably a short story again)
Wharton, Edith - Age of Innocence (I loved The House Of Mirth... I wanted to make friends with Lily Bart and save her from herself.  Sadly the movie was a huge borefest.)
*Wilder, Laura Ingalls - Little House in the Big Woods (Read all of the Laura Ingalls Wilder books repeatedly.  My favorite parts were when all of the grown up ladies were getting ready for the Christmas party and she described all of the gowns they were wearing, and then in later books when she would talk about Pa building their houses.  When Colby and I were doing our road trip through the country on our way to Washington there was a sign for Laura Ingalls Wilder's birthplace, but it was a HUGE tease, because it was actually over a 100 miles out of the way.  I'm still sad about missing out on that!)
Wollstonecraft, Mary - A Vindication of the Rights of Women
Woolf, Virginia - A Room of One's Own

So, there you have it!  God... I need to get reading, don't I...  I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to play along, and let me know if you do--I'd love to see your list!

Hell Yeah, I'll Take What's Left Of You

Dear Nick,

So, I was listening to the radio at work today, and this song came on the radio that, like, TOTALLY MOVED ME.  Not really because it was any good, but because it was the swan song of a broken man who had recently been dealt a crushing blow by life and now smells of sweet, sweet desperation and loneliness, and OH MY GOD, I love desperation in a man.  I know that if you just give us a chance I will totally make you way more than half the man you used to be.  If you give me time, I may be able to get you up to three quarters of the man you used to be.  But that's just a low estimate because I don't want to get your hopes up too high, you know?  Because I care about you, and I want to keep you small and insecure enough that you'll have to stay with me.

I have to tell you, you are totally the reason that I loved that brain-drain, Newlyweds.  The way you would look at Jessica when she was acting like a complete dumbass?  Pure GOLD, Nick, pure gold.  The way your jaw would literally drop, and I would just look at the tv in matching incredulousness and shout I know, I KNOW!!  And I felt the connection--and I know you felt it too, Nick, don't try to deny it.

I know we'll have our differences.  For example, I kind of agree with Jessica's assessment of your musical talent--I mean, you're okay, but have you ever thought about just sitting behind a glass wall and looking pretty?  And sometimes you could make that sad, pouty face that you make in interviews?  You know, the one that comes with a side of soft, dewy tears clouding your eyes and a little soundbyte about how you still believe in love, and marriage, and that probably visiting strippers wasn't the BEST way to save your marriage.  Well, maybe you didn't actually say that last bit, but I know you think it. 

And I think probably my boobs aren't big enough for your liking, but I do have blonde hair and blue eyes and I can play the dumb blonde bit with the best of them.  You like that, right big boy?  I mean, listen to this--in a survey of 100 Americans you know what the top response about Angela's personality traits would be?  What was that you said?  Gullible?  Let's take a look...aaaand, survey says:  Ding, ding!  That's right, Nick, I'm about as gullible as they come--and I know you think that's totally hott!

I say ditch that stupid CaCee Cobb (which, the HELL??  What the heck kind of name is that??) and come away with me.  We'll listen to Jessica's cd's and laugh hysterically (except for that song "Irresistable", I not-so-secretly adore that song) at the way she can't figure out if she wants to sound talented or slutty, and then we'll eat tuna together and be like, God, what kind of idiot wouldn't be able to tell that this is FISH!  It's so FISHY tasting!  And it will be so awesome, and I promise the only way I'll ever leave you is if someone better comes along, like my best friend's hot brother, or something like that.  That is my GUARANTEE to YOU, Nicholas Lachey (is your name Nicholas?)--you'll be hard pressed to find a better offer than that!

So, you know, CALL MEEEE !!!!!!!!!11!!!!!111111111!!!!oneoneone!111!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Angela

PS  I think it's important that you should know that my father has never been likened to Svengali, or Rasputin, or, you know, Hitler.

Warning: Here Be Generalizations

I'm starting out with a disclaimer stating that I don't feel like doing research on this topic right now, so everything I'm getting ready to say is based on my perceptions, experiences, and possibly stereotypes.  So sue me.  (But don't really, because for what I'm worth it's probably not even worth your time and legal fees.)

I am 23 years old.  I realize that this isn't old.  I realize that I have so many years ahead of me to figure life out.  So, why is it then, that I feel very much like an old maid?  Like I should have paid more attention to my lessons in my youth so that I could be a piano teacher with 15 cats and a chemical dependence on Sea Breeze.

I can vividly remember when I was much younger--probably around 8--playing in the McDonald's playland.  We were on the big wooden structure with the steering wheels mounted on the sides pretending to be pirates and the discussion came around to when we were going to get married.  I guess even girl pirates worry about these things at a young age.  Anyway, I said that I might never get married, or if I did I would be 26.  I don't really know why I said 26... I do know that for some reason that age has always symbolized adulthood to me, so maybe it all comes back to that.  But there you have it, my 8-year old self had a much firmer grasp on reality than my 23-year old self.

More than likely this feeling has to do with being literally surrounded by married couples.  All of my closest friends with the exception of two girls?  Married.  Searching through Facebook and MySpace at all of my old friends from high school, middle school, elementary school?  Married.  An overwhelming majority of my coworkers--all of them in the job I recently left?  Married.

I don't know if it's something to do with living in the south.  I get the feeling that as a whole people get married much younger here than in other regions.  I mean, sure you have your 30 year old in the south that's still single, or your 20 year old in the north that's married, but I don't notice this pressure on a lot of my friends from other regions of the country.  And the ones that do share the pressure are in their late 20s already.  I guess we southerners like parties, and you can't beat a wedding for a party, can you?  Free wine?  Heck yeah!

At the same time I've realized that there are two groups of guys.  (Again, generalizing here)  There are those that get married young--around 20-22 and there are those that get married from about 28/29 and above.  It doesn't seem as though there are a huge number of them that get married between those age brackets.  So, I kind of figure I missed the boat on the getting married young thing, and in recent weeks I've realized that I'm okay with that. 

I'm learning to live my life for me, and for me alone which is something I've never ever done before.  I've always been independent, but there was always someone else to take into consideration when thinking about my future.  But now I'm thinking about buying a house.  I'm trying to decide what place setting I like best, because I'm ready for my "grown up" dishes.  I don't have anyone else's finances to worry about when saving and know that my money only has to go toward what I want it to go toward.  Sure, there are times when I'm talking to a friend and they have to get off the phone or leave to meet their husband and I have that little pang of loneliness, but I know that I'll be okay.  I'm done with putting my life on hold and waiting for marriage to let my life begin. 

In the meantime I'm going to stop taking life so seriously and putting pressure on myself to make every relationship end in marriage.  Sometimes there are just "for now" guys, and that's okay.  My problem is that I can be loyal to a fault in relationships.  I think I could be married to Attila the Hun and I'd have myself convinced that all we need is a little counseling to work out our differences.  I'm not going to settle anymore.  I want nothing but the best, and I know that it's out there somewhere.  But until I find that, I plan on having a hell of a lot of fun on my own, man or no man!

Stuck In A Moment And Can't Get Out Of It

Okay, a few observations first before we get on with the real meat of this entry.  (Ha!  I know, I'm laughing too!  Like this is hard hitting journalism or something!)

A)  Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper:  Good idea or no?  I can't decide, but I do know that I'm very afraid to try it.  And more importantly, are they going to stop making the Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper?  Because that stuff is like a drug to me.  All those track marks on my arms?  Not heroin--no, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper!  I don't want to waste time lifting the can, pouring the delicious liquid into my mouth, savoring the flavor, and then swallowing.  NO!  I just want it in my body NOW!

2)  I love the scale at my gynecologist's office.  You step on it, they observe the number... and then they SUBTRACT 8 POUNDS!!  I don't know why!  I'm pretty sure I'm not wearing 8 pounds of clothes!  Maybe it's actually 8 pounds off and they just haven't figured out how to adjust it.  I don't know, but it's freaking awesome!  I think I'm going to institute that policy every time I step on the scale.  You should do the same.

III)  Tom Cruise is still crazy.  Please don't let his glazed, calm expression and creepy, even tone during the Diane Sawyer interview sway your opinion.  Go with your gut!  The man is nuts.  Kate has been pregnant for, like, 15 years.  This is not a normal relationship!  Although, apparently she likes cupcakes and you kind of have to love a girl that likes cupcakes.  Katie, sweetie, I have a couch if you feel like bolting anytime.  Granted, the dogs will probably try to chew your fingers off in the middle of the night, but really, when you compare that to the life you're living right now, it doesn't really sound so bad, does it?

Right, so, I think that takes care of all the observational type stuff, now onto ME!  It's kind of funny, I feel a little bit like I'm back in high school what with all of the angst and boy confusion.  Okay, that's actually more sad than funny, but you get my point.  I never was terribly angsty in high school.  I liked boys very much as a sort of abstract concept, but didn't really bother with them much.  I had one four month relationship that ended rather disastrously and 2 other little flings that didn't amount to much more than a viewing of Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo while making out in a rec room and receving some kind of cute Easter crap from another guy before we went driving around Baton Rouge in a friend's car.  Because that's what you do for fun when you're in high school and you live in the south.  Well, that or go hang out in the parking lot of the movie theater.

Then college came along and I spent all but a grand total of a year or so in serious relationships, so I'm truly a fish out of water with this whole "dating" thing.  Which is kind of crazy since I'm not actually even "dating" anyone... just talking a lot about "dating" without a whole lot of progress in any direction.  So, I guess that's that update--I'm utterly confused about how to date boys, what exactly constitutes dating, and how it is that you're supposed to meet people who live less than 3 hours away and aren't married.  Oh, and aren't alcoholic bar hoppers--because as much as I may come off as one myself, I'm actually a very boring person who is happiest at home on a Saturday night with her Netflix movies and SNL.  I'm perfectly capable of being an alcoholic from my couch, thank you very much!!

Oddly enough, the most progress has been made in the Colby department.  I'm not sure if he reads this site anymore, so hopefully he won't mind that I still talk about him a little here.  I'll try not to invade his space too much and only talk about my feelings.  I heard from him a couple of weeks ago before he had another deployment and I think we both had a chance to say things that needed to be said.  I've gotten past the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, the anger, and mostly I just miss his friendship at this point.  He got back home over the weekend and we spent about an hour talking online, just about the day to day things in life, and it felt good.  He still seemed distant, but I'm hoping that eventually he'll come around and realize that I'm not trying to manipulate him back into a relationship with me.  It feels very mature and adult-like to finally have an ex that I don't harbor any ill will toward.  I still talk to a couple of the guys that I dated in high school, but it took years of distance before we could come back into each other's lives even in this limited capacity, and it's only been in the past year that we've been talking at all.  The other college ex--aka "Asshole"--is the one who made an attempt to establish friendship a few months ago, but I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that with him.  So, it feels so freeing to not have that dark, angry feeling every time I think of Colby.  I truly do hope that he finds happiness someday and finally meets a woman who can convince him to let down those walls he has up and commit to her forever.

So!  That's all the sap that I have in me today!  I think I'm going to go stare at the Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper at lunch time and think about buying a bottle.  If I do, I'll be sure to provide a review--but I'm not optimistic.  Not optimistic at all...

Wine or Death? Wine Please!!

GOD!  Am so TIRED!!  How does that happen?  I took off work for a day and a half last week and then also had Saturday and Sunday all to myself.  And still, when I woke up to the staticky radio station this morning all I could think was, please, not again, just want to sleep...

I did have an awesome weekend though.  My sister came up for the end of her spring break and we took Little Rock by storm.  We also spent a great deal of time pretending we were up on a Broadway stage and probably terrified the neighbors more than just a little bit.  The best part though was our foray into wine tasting at a charming little vineyard about 2 hours from here.

We were thrilled to discover that you can drink as much as you want and then just tip the server at the end?  Why didn't I know about this before?  Why don't they have wineries closer to here?  What a fantastically brilliant idea!  And they had a whole basket of Captain Wafers at my disposal.  Have I ever talked about how much I love Captain Wafers?  Because I LOVE Captain Wafers!!

I had the chance to exercise my tasting and assessment muscles with the little wine list they gave us, writing such tidbits as "velvet" next to the Shiraz and "velour" by the Shiraz-Cabernet blend.  I think it was the Merlot that got "balloonish" and the Sangria which was dubbed "kitchen floor cleaning product".  Hey, what can I say, I believe in using lay-man's terms when appraising my wine.

We also spent an ungodly amount of money on shoes and clothes.

So, she left yesterday and I'm alone again with my crazy dogs.  It's after weekends like this last one that I think having a roommate might be pretty awesome.  But I've also thought, in the past, that dying my hair black was a good idea, so we can all form our own opinions on my judgment based on that experience.

Anyway, today I have a funeral that I have to go to for a troop from my squadron that passed away last week.  I despise funerals with every ounce of my being.  I've decided that when I die, I just want my family to throw a party.  Tell stories about me, maybe find some of the few very rare good pictures of me and get them photoshopped so that I'm indescribably gorgeous and spread them around the room, eat some fantastic food, sing some karaoke--that kind of thing.  I guess my theory is that I'll be fine wherever it is that we go when we die--you guys just have a good time and don't worry about me!

Coming tomorrow, an update on the boys in my life--because in Angela's world, nothing is sacred!  Woo!

Putting It All In Perspective

You may have noticed that there was a rather large gap between my last post and the one before that.  It's certainly not for lack of things to talk about, but you see, I made this rather psychotic decision when starting this site that I was not going to be anonymous.  That I was going to say my piece and to hell with what anyone thought.  I also really like getting attention and thought that maybe plastering my name all over a little piece of the internet would help me out in that regard.

I don't really regret the decision to not be anonymous because I really feel as though you guys are getting to know *me*, not just some persona that's out there on the web.  With that being said, I think maybe I'm more of a "persona" than I would be if I were anonymous because then I really could say everything that made up my life.  As it stands now, I always think when I'm writing what if so-and-so found this website, would I really want them to read what I'm saying about them?  Or about me?  And so whether I like it or not, I do censor, to a degree.

There has been a lot going on in my life lately.  A lot of things that have made me question where I am, what I'm doing, who I am, what I feel.  These things revolve around everything--my job, my family, my friends, the various male-types in my life in whatever capacity.  There are a lot of things that I could write about, but I feel like I need to keep some part of myself sacred.  I put a lot of myself out here to be judged, and there are just some things that I don't think I could possibly handle any criticism or "tough love" on right now.  I try to be a strong person, but we all have our Achilles heels, and I seem to have them in spades lately.

So for now, I'll leave you with this thought that I always remind myself of when things start to seem impossibly muddled and I don't think I'll ever see the light.

This girl:

Wrote this song:

About this guy:

And now she's engaged (married? I dunno...) to this guy:

 Gratuitous Ab Shot...

Kinda makes you think that everything does turn out okay in the end, right?

Getting It Down on Paper

"Had "The Bell Jar" or "Waiting to Exhale" been written today, they might have been slapped with pink covers and deposited onto the "Beach Reading" shelf. So, actually, might the Wizard of Oz: Girl moves to big city, has to wear high–heeled shoes to get anywhere, meets three men — first has no brain, second, no heart, third is gay — and she finally thinks the last man will be the answer to her prayers, but when she meets him, he's short and impotent."

A funny thing has happened recently.  I've been writing with intent.  I kind of feel as though perhaps I'm ready to "settle down" and really make a go of it with just one special story.  I've always written, but I've never been particularly faithful to any piece of work.  I write it, I enjoy it while it lasts, and it's discarded into the deep, dark writing folder that I've kept since elementary school.  It's always been very casual writing, but I think I'm ready for more.  I'm researching manuscript formats, how to contact publishers, what exactly an "agent" does, but most importantly I've had the same characters and story in my head for 6 months now, and I've somehow made it past the first ten pages and still don't totally hate the direction it's taking.  I can see us growing old together.

With that being said, I'm rather afraid to tell people that I've started writing something because I'm afraid of that next inevitable question.  "Oh, really?  What's it about?"  Because, you see, it's about a girl, on her own, her lovelife, her worklife, her familylife.  It's certainly not the next great American novel.  And of course they would say, "Oh how lovely!" while thinking, "Dear God, another 'great beach read', just what we need."  I know judgement when I see it, and I don't think that many people take the authors of chick lit too seriously.

But see, here's the thing.  I didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family--we're in fact all quite normal considering how crazy we are.  I didn't have to deal with substance abuse.  I've never been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually--although I did date a major asshole.  I've never had to face issues with a serious mental health crisis, or lost someone extremely close to me in a tragic way.  I don't know about these things, and we always hear "write what you know."

I know what it's like to have a completely shit lovelife.  I know what it's like to be stuck in a career that you don't enjoy and have dreams for bigger things.  I know what it's like to have friends whose lives seems so much better and more complete than your own and to long for that secretly while outwardly celebrating their milestones.  I know what it's like to have to get back out into the dating scene and completely bugger it all up.  I know what it's like to have to consistently take really crappy situations and make them humorous.  That's what I know, so that's what I write.

I don't imagine to myself that it will be compare to The Grapes of Wrath, or Great Expectations, or my personal favorite, Gone with the Wind, but if just one other person can read it and identify with it.  If a reader can feel as though he or she has really gotten to know my characters then I'll know that I've succeeded with what I want to do.  And of course if it just so happens to make it onto the New York Times Best Sellers list, I guarantee to you that I will never complain about the price of fame!