Looking for Jane

I've been feeling very split lately… very Eve White/Eve Black, if you will.

There's the Angela who goes to work, jokes with coworkers, gets her job done, talks to friends, smiles a lot, laughs a lot, plays with her dogs, is flirtatious, is generally very easy going and fun. Then there's the Angela who is broody, moody, angry at men, wants to hurt men the way she's been hurt, is manipulative, cries, rages, in short, not a very nice person. I don't feel any connection between these two selves, and it scares me sometimes. I don't feel as though I'm pretending or not really being myself when I'm in my good moods, but I do feel the "Eve Black" lurking somewhere underneath, and I know that as soon as I'm away from watching eyes that she'll emerge again.

I try very hard not to blame men for my unhappiness and anger, because I know that it is my job to control my reactions to situations and to choose my attitude. I choose to be happy. But even as I'm making that choice, I feel the bitterness boiling underneath.

I know that it's not natural to become angry when I hear of another engagement or marriage. I know it's cruel to think every time that it will only end badly. I actually sit back and think of all of my married friends and make guesses on who will be the ones to end up divorced. I hate this about myself. I hate that I seem to have come to the conclusion that happiness doesn't last. That love isn't forever. That people aren't meant to stay with one person for their entire lives.

But then there's the outside Angela who coos in excitement with each happy announcement. Who sends cute cards with teddy bears hugging. Who truly does want happiness for her friends. Who doesn't understand the bitter Angela inside. Who loves sappy songs and cries along to Moon River. I want to set her as my default Angela. I want her to be the person who comes effortlessly, who doesn't have to be paraded around in front of the public to hide the hurt, angry girl inside.

I want to truly be able to believe in love. To know that there is a person out there who is deserving of all of what I have to give. Who won't only dish out parts of themselves and hold back with others. I want to find a happy medium between my two Eves. I want to be realistic and not blinded by love, but also believe in being swept off of my feet. I want to be laughing on the inside while I laugh on the outside, and not berating myself for being a faker.

I want to feel whole, and not like a stacking doll who seems solid and beautiful on the outside, but as you open it at the cracks you find different faces and finally on the inside on tiny, insignificant empty little thing that you wouldn't even notice if you lost. And the thing is that I do things that make me happy. I've got trips planned, I have fantastic friends, I like my current job, I have a good future ahead of me, I've come to terms with body image issues, I love my dogs…

I'm not sure why I feel empty. I don't know what's missing. I don't like being two people who have nothing to do with each other. I want to find my hidden Jane. I just don't know what it takes to finally be satisfied. To finally be comfortable with life.

But then, I guess, is anyone really comfortable with life? Is everyone else hiding an Eve Black? I'll never really know.

Comments

[Dawn]

Oh, I have been there, and all I can really say is, the bitterness will pass. You're doing all the right things - choosing to be happy, and trying not to let it fully take control. All you can really do now is just give it time, and you will heal, and the bitterness will eventually fade away.

I know, totally not the answer you were looking for. But just relax, know that it's normal, and know that it won't always be like this.

[RisibleGirl]

Would it help you to know that I used to be EXACTLY like that?

OK- I hope it doesn't take you so long to find what I've found, but I'm here to say that it does happen, sweet girl.

You're very deserving of happiness and you WILL find it. I'll be right here reading and waiting for it to come to you.

xoxo

[Adele]

Hey hottie! Hope you don't mind me calling by unannounced - wow your hair looks amazing!

Uh, yeah so if you want the opinion of a total stranger....I think everyone has their 'dark thoughts'. I think that the real you is the one you want to be...the sweet, hopeful you.

I think that most of our 'men' angst actually stems back to dear old daddy...and as I'm working through forgiving mine for not being perfect...it's helping me like the male gender a whole lot more. We tend to get stuck in cycles of being drawn to the same men...dig under the surface and it's dear old daddy. When we deal with the old news...it makes room for new.

Ok how was that psychobabble for you?
xx

[E]

Hey girlie...lemme just say you TOTALLY freaked me out by saying my name so often in that post. LOL :-p

If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea which one I am either. Worse, I think there are *definitely* more than two of me in me. LOLOL

[Dad]

Okay, Adele. I'm going to let it go this time but I happen to know that Angela's Dad was and is practically perfect in every way. Now her imaginary friends Babi and Shuta from pre-school days should be investigated thoroughly.

[sophie]

First, love the new look! Second, while you can't choose how you feel, you can choose how you act.....and you are doing that. I have certainly "been there, done that" as far as what you are feeling. It is hard to be all cheery and positive about others when you've just proven that it doesn't always work. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel, but don't let it drag you down into a black pit either.

[Brittany]

Hm... I don't know if you remember this poem, or if you ever even had to read it in high school, but I did and I think about it a lot. I'm actually glad for this post because it forced me to google it so I could properly share it. Anyway, enough set up!

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our
eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

I think it's pretty self explanatory, but I like to think about it whenever I feel like the face I'm showing the world isn't the one that I feel inside, and, though it's frustrating, it's something we all do. It's not nutty, it's just human nature.

Never have seen that movie you referenced, though you have piqued my interest in it! Love you!

[shpprgrl]

Yes, I think everyone has an Eve to some extent. Sometimes when I get really tired from smiling and being happy Eve wants to come out too. I think people who say there is no Eve are probably telling a big fat fib!

Are you thinking of Mr. Big and the album he left for her when you are listening to Moon River? :) I am.

This is a great post. I'm so glad that I was able to get back here to read it. Thanks for sharing! :)