I Require Constant Adult Supervision

Okay folks, honestly, oftentimes I wonder how it is that I’ve gotten this far in life without killing myself, or at least incurring a serious injury. I stand by the old saying that God protects fools and children—luckily I made that enviable transition from child to fool with no problems and am still in one piece as a result.

Seriously. Last night I put my toner on a cotton ball and proceeded to remove my eye makeup with it. Yes, your read that right—I basically poured toner in my eye. Y’all, the bottles don’t even LOOK or FUNCTION in the same way.

The toner is orange and one must squeeze the bottle to get product onto the little cotton ball. To use the eye makeup remover, a lovely serene blue, one must only remove the cap and product will flow freely from bottle simply by pouring it on the cotton ball.

So, anyway, the screaming pain in my right eye alerted me to the fact that I was indeed using the incorrect bottle and then I cried. It was quite sad. And painful.

Then, I brought Jack out for his nightly potty run before bed time. Since it’s pretty dark when we go out I bring a flashlight. We’re crossing the pavement to “Shit Hill” (mom, I didn’t name it so you can’t be mad at me) and Jack’s ears flatten and he just stands stock still. So, I’m trying to see what he sees and not flip out when I see this dark, skulking creature over by the trees. I came seriously close to crying again then did that thing that you always yell at people in horror movies for doing and I moved closer to investigate. As I got closer the thing got bigger, but when I would try to flash the light on it, I couldn’t see what it was. Because? Can you guess? Yeah, it was our shadows. I’m a complete idiot.

And my favorite thing to do! Went to the dentist this morning for my annual visit. Because the Air Force has decided that 3 out of 4 dentists are wrong and a dental visit every six months is just silly and not cost effective (although $500 toilet seats are) and we don't actually need airmen with teeth, no they'll just bite their supervisors and that's a bad thing. So, while I was there I decided to talk to the precious young doctor about my jaw issues. And isn’t this cute? He actually told me to take motrin and call him if it didn’t get better! I mean, I thought that was just one of those things that you say when you’re making fun of doctors—you know “take 2 tylenol and call me in the morning”. No! Apparently, you can go to school for 5,000 years and still not come up with anything better than “take a motrin”! I tried not to roll my eyes too hard since he was quite young and small and I didn’t want to scare him if my eyes were to pop out of my head. So apparently your jawbone ball actually popping out of the socket is fixable by motrin, a lack of chewing gum and not eating “sandwiches that are hard to eat”. Yep, ladies and gentlemen, that’s your tax dollars at work. Of course our conversation went something like this:

Dentist: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Bwarh fweg mehg leh

Dentist: Ah, I see, and what about when you open and close your mouth?

Me: Mehsz eljges jeabesl pehgl

Dentist: Okay, well, that popping sound is really nothing to worry about, as long as the pain isn’t severe.

Me: Oh.

So, you know, maybe he just didn’t really understand everything I was saying since ALL TEN OF HIS FINGERS WERE DOWN MY THROAT. But hey, whatever, I’ll live. I don’t actually deserve a painfree existence anyway; I’m not a good person. Perhaps this will be like penance or something. I shall become more Christ-like in my pain and suffering. Or perhaps I shall just grow more pissed off over time and call back and try to get in with a different doctor. Either way only good can come of this!

You know, if my mom had been there, she would have given him what for! And she probably wouldn’t have let me pour toner in my eyeball.

Comments

[shani]

Chin up, Angel! We all have our days of complete idiocy. You just need to pay more attention to the days when you don't do anything stupid and make it home in one piece without any visible bruises!

[Jass]

Ouuch! I'm sorry for your eyes, hehe. I hope you are doing better, being safe of course. But trust me most people have been scared of their own shadow at one point in their life. ;-) Some earlier than others. hehe xoxo

[moonbatty]

Yow! Toner in the eye? That's gotta be painful. =\

Here from Michele's.

[sophie]

My worst was in the morning, putting conditioner instead of gel in my damp hair. Not a pretty sight!

[Becky]

My eyes are stinging now, just from imagining that toner getting in them.

[Suzi]

I think we can all relate to sticking the absolute wrong thing right smack in the eye. Yowch.

Hope tomorrow is better. That won't take much, anyway!

[Twisted Cinderella]

OUCH about the toner in your eye!!

I would keep an eye on the jaw popping thing. My jaw problems started that way when I was 13.

[anne]

That toner thing sounds painful! Reminds me of when I chopped jalapenos and later took my contacts out. OUCH!

a

[E]

LOL well I'm sure you won't mind that you made me laugh a lot. I need it right now, so forgive me ok? :-p

Besides, don't feel so bad, I have hit my head twice, smashed my fingers (twice), burnt my hand, bruised my legs and obtained a huge scratch of unknown origin in the last week or so. I was thinking of stabbing myself in the eye on purpose just because I know it'll happen eventually. Maybe I'll just pour toner in my eye instead.....

[T-GEKKE MUM]

Here from Michele's. This was great writing. thanks for the laugh - the shadows, not the toner in your eye! ouch!