Days of (no) Wine and (much) Poop

Thank God this week is almost over, and it appears that I’m finally back on a normal schedule at work. Normal is perhaps not the right word, but at least I won’t be coming in at five one morning, noon to nine the next day, working 12 hour shifts over the weekend and so on. In other news, I think after this last week, having a human baby some day is going to be a piece of cake. Because seriously? The furry baby? I love him to pieces and would do anything for him—but I truly believe that he is the spawn of Satan. Or at least Satan’s cousin.

Because of this light of my life, I’m probably going to be homeless in the next few weeks. I got a call from the front office while I was at work on Tuesday saying that they had “received numerous complaints” about my dog barking ALL FREAKING DAY while I’m at work, and that basically I need to get it under control or else. Yeah, because it’s super easy to convince a dog who lived in an abusive home, then on the streets, and then in a shelter for the first 6 months of his life that, “It’s okay sweetie, mom is just going to be gone for a little while and you just stay here and eat your Science Diet quietly like a good boy”. To which he responds “POOOOOOOP. Oh and also PEEEEEEE” all over the damn kitchen. Which is where the much poop reference comes in.

I don’t even know where it came from. He still hardly eats anything unless I’m hovering over him and shoving his face in his bowl. He drinks water like it’s going out of style, so I can understand the whole pee thing, but y’all. The amount of crap on the floor was simply astounding… and the icing on the cake was that he had then proceeded to tramp through it and dance around on the carpet, on and then poop some more there, because why not?

Then I get home and our conversation goes something like this:

Me: (Walks in door, smells stench and cries, enters kitchen, cries harder)JACK!!!!

Jack: (Tongue lolling, sitting preciously and kind of falling down because damn this floor is slippery) Hi Mom! Look, Cute! Look, I pooped! Oh, and peed too! Cute!

Me: JAAAAACK!!!!

Jack: Hmm…

Me: Where in Christ’s name did all that poop—oh God, stop walking in it—DON’T EAT IT!!!

Jack: Not going as well as I’d hoped… Puppy dog eyes! Cute! Lick, lick, lick!

Me: Don’t lick me with your poop coated tongue you spawn of… oh, puppy dog eyes… awww, so cute… but POOOOOP EVERYWHERE!!!

I then proceeded to spend 45 minutes on my hands and knees in whatever oasis of clean floor I could find with the paper towels, pet cleaner, and Swiffer Wet Jet cleaning up the encrusted kitchen floor and various overflow onto the dining room carpet. I then had to take him outside where he proceeded to do nothing, change into something somewhat cute and de-poop my odeur, frantically spray air freshener and open windows then jump in car to leave the poop-machine once again and attempt to stay awake during dinner with friends.

You know you’re reaching adult-hood when you sit around a table at a restaurant with 20 other folks and every blessed one of them is married, two of them brought babies along because they couldn’t find a sitter, another woman continuously makes caustic comments to her husband about how their dogs would not pay for them to live in an old folks home 30 years from now, and the majority of your conversation revolves around projectile vomit and scheduled feedings every 3 hours. And that you’re afraid to order a glass of wine because you might fall asleep on the way home. And that truly, you’re at your happiest sitting on the couch with a puppy curled up by your feet watching commercials and sleeping through your favorite show. That, my friends, is the life!

Comments

[Jass]

LOL Ang, I'm sorry about your poopy few days. You know my dog Jacky used to be the same way, he would bark and bark when we'd leave him alone in the apartment, and would poop not just inside our rooms and hallways, but also in the middle of busy city streets...ahhh the rolling eyes I've recieved. But that's the price of having a puppy. hehe ;-)

[Russ]

I declare Miss Scarlett (I bet you never heard THAT before).
You need to get that puppy crate out and use it. They won't poop where they sleep. It ain't cruel, it's training.
Good luck, it will be worth it.

[Angela]

Jass: Yeah, I just have to remind myself he's a baby and "he knows not what he does!"

Russ: I use the crate when I'm just going to be gone for a few hours, but I just can't justify putting him in there for 10 hours a day every day, you know? I came home to a clean house today, so hopefully we're making progress!

[better safe than sorry]

just dropped in to say thanks for dropping by my blog earlier. our family is thinking of getting a puppy in the spring, i've been reading different blogs where the owners have gone, such as yourself, and rescued a dog from a shelter. made me think maybe we should go this route instead, although not looking forward to that poop problem at all!

[Nik]

How nice that you rescued a dog! Sorry about the poopy issues!

[anne]

Oh you poor thing! I completely related to your whole 'ooh, disgusting! but he's sooo cute!' mentality.

I agree with Russ though. I'd say, get a bigger crate and let him stay in there during the day...

I also know a person who works for Petco (or is it Petsmart?) who said if you feed your dog a certain (more expensive) food (can't remember what it is right now), it creates less poop. Basically she said if there's less crap (no pun intended) in the food, their bodies use the food better and poop less. That's just what she told me...

a

[Ciera]

Here from Michele's. i know what you mean about being like the only single one at the table....I'm pretty much it at my church...not even a single guy around!!! Hope things get better with your dog.

[sally]

A friend of mine adopted a dog like the way you did...it was quite a challenge.

Oh and Michelle sent me!

[Phil]

Ah, the joys of puppy ownership. But it's all worth it in the end. Trust me. :) This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but the #1 best solution to the barking problem is getting another puppy. 99% of the time, the dog barks because of loneliness & anxiety, both of which aren't an issue if they have a playmate. Of course, it might end up doubling your poopy problems. lol

Hello, Michele sent me!

[FuzzBuck Fuzz]

Puppy training - yes, i remember it well. I'm very tempted to talk about my current doggy dilemas but it's simply too gross. He's all trained up though (after a fashion) so no problems there. Can't resist throwing in a games reference as well. Try Black and White if you want to know how to train animals well. I had my monkey to the stage that it would poop (only in certain paces) then throw the offending material out to sea - or set fire to it and use it as missiles to throw at the enemy.

Guess what?
Michele sent me :D