Tomorrow Is Another Day...

Das Haus

It's finally official!  After two hours of sitting in the housing office on base while the German equivalent to Milton from Office Space worried and fretted over aspects of our contract that were a HUGE DEAL TO HIM and no one else... the contract was approved!  We will be officially under contract on June 1st, but we'll stay in the temporary housing until June 8th when the Air Force can get us our loaner furniture.

As much as we complain about how painfully difficult the bureacracy of the Air Force has made it to lock in this contract, I will say they try to make the living process as easy as possible while we're waiting for our household goods to arrive.  We did have a shipment of goods that we're hoping can be delivered as close to our move in date as possible, but the Air Force will lend us a bed, night stands, living room set with sofa, chairs, end tables and a coffee table, and a six chair dining set.  On a more "permanent" basis (we'll return them when we leave Germany), we'll get three large wardrobes to hang clothes in (due to the lack of closets), a chest of drawers, American style washer and dryer, refrigerator, microwave and two transformers for our electronics.  Plus we can check out smaller items like dish packs, lamps and such from the Airman & Family Readiness Center.

So, we'll get the keys on June 1st, and maybe be able to do some painting before we move in since we'll have a week between those dates.  We're so excited about our little German village, though pretty apprehensive about how long it can take to get utilities established.  We're going to try to get the ball rolling on internet next week since that seems to be the longest wait of all.  Maybe we'll be online before the end of the year...

But let's get to the fun part.  Pictures!!
Somehow, we managed to visit the house twice without getting a picture of the front--to be honest, it's not all that impressive from the street.  But the interior and backyard is what sold us.  On the top left is our view directly across the street--those white specks in the grass are our bovine neighbors--and top right is the view down the street toward the bigger village about 2 kilometers away where we'll do our shopping, go to restaurants, catch the train, etc.  Also right by our house is a bus stop should we decide to make full use of German public transportation.  The bottom patio has the two doors which each lead to a separate room--one of which we'll make a bedroom and the other a sun room/storage area if necessary.  The balcony leads into a large open floor plan main floor, and there are three bedrooms and a master bath on the third floor.  Plus it's a fenced back yard, which was pretty high on our priority list due to the pups.
 
On the left is the open floor plan living area with the two doors leading out onto the balcony.  The third set of doors open onto stairs that lead down to the back yard, but we'll have to find some way to fence them in so that we can just let the dogs out that way rather than having to go up and down stairs eighteen million times each day to the downstairs exit.  Where the gentleman is standing in the left picture is the entry to the kitchen which you can see in the photo on the right.  Believe it or not, that is actually a pretty decent amount of counterspace and kitchen storage in Germany--plus there's a small pantry off to the left that I am thrilled about.  I'm peeking into a tiny built in refrigerator the size of a cabinet, and we'll probably put our Air Force issue refrigerator on that wall to the right.

The photo on the left doesn't show much, but it's the layout of the third floor bedrooms as taken from the upstairs full bathroom.  We'll do the master bedroom and nursery in one of the two doors in the far corner, and the nearest bedroom will be devoted to clothing and storage--sort of a giant closet since there are absolutely none in the house aside from the pantry.  The master bath is pretty fantastic.  There's a separate bathtub and standup shower, a toilet separated by a half-wall and of course, the coveted double sinks with storage underneath.  Plus it's bright and clean and spacious.  The bathroom trifecta.  There are additional 3/4 baths on each of the other floors with toilet, sink and stand up shower, so it'll be great for guests.  And there's a large utility room on the bottom floor where we'll put our washer and dryer and--everyone together this time--more storage!

All in all, we're really thrilled, and we feel like it'll be the perfect fit for us as our family expands.  We're still very much in the thick of the moving process, and it's extremely stressful and frustrating at times, but give us a month and I think we'll be very happy with our new life.  We're headed down to the Black Forest on Friday and we'll be staying there for the long weekend, so we're already getting cracking on that travel list that I'm determined to make a dent in by the end of August!  Schönes Wochenende!  (I hope I just said "Have a good weekend" and not "Your mother is a monkey".)

11 Week Ultrasound

I was scrolling through my blog yesterday, reliving the past few weeks, when I realized that I never mentioned anything after my 11 week ultrasound.  Y'all, I am totally slacking on this Oversharing Mom bit that I've signed up for.  So, allow me to remedy the situation.

My 11 week appointment was my first one outside of the fertility clinic, and I was pretty anxious about how it would go.  I also really wanted Colby to be able to see the babies since it was the first appointment since he'd gotten home from Seattle, but I had heard that a lot of OBs only do the confirmation ultrasound and the anatomy scan at 20 weeks if you aren't doing the nuchal translucency test.

Cozied up in their bunk bed.

It turned out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about.  I did get a surprise Pap test which wasn't my favorite part of the day, but we also got an ultrasound--the longest one I'd had--and the babies had finally started to really look like humanish critters.  We got lots of great shots of Baby A since she was staying relatively still, just waving or adjusting here and there, but Baby B isn't as well represented as he was rocking and rolling the whole time and most of the shots are pretty blurry.

I think Baby A is going to be a thumb sucker--her hand was up by her mouth for almost the entire ultrasound!

Their heartbeats were still nice and strong and we got to hear them for the first time, which led to an embarrassing display of emotion on my part.  I wouldn't make a very good Vulcan.  Baby A's was 171 bpm and Baby B's was 174.  They were also still measuring a week ahead, which makes me very happy since I'd like them to be as big as possible when they make their grand entrance into the world--Baby A was 52.6 mm (just over 2 inches) and Baby B was 49.08 (1.9 inches).  They also confirmed that the babies are dizygotic twins which I was pretty sure of already, but my other doctor had never actually said out loud.  So that made me happy since they each have their own blood supply and aren't sharing nutrients, meaning there's a much better chance of a low-complication pregnancy and two healthy babies.

Pretty much the only good shot we got of Baby B.  He's a wild one!

It's now been three weeks since the appointment, and I'm already anxious to take a peek in there and make sure everything is okay.  I've definitely got the baby belly going on, but I still get nervous about the fact that I don't really feel pregnant and don't have many of the typical symptoms.  I'm still tired, and my back has been starting to bother me from time to time, but it'll be reassuring when I get to the point where I can feel them moving around.  I did get an appointment at the OB clinic on base for next Thursday, the 31st, and we'll be meeting with a nurse first, and then getting in to see a doctor immediately after.  So, it'll be a long appointment, but I've got my fingers crossed that we'll get an ultrasound to check in on our little Frankensteins.  I'm excited I was able to get in so quickly, and I hope the next week flies by!

Germany is Not America

Hard though it may be to believe, we've been in Germany for almost a week now.  The days have blown by, and we are still in the whirlwind of attempting to settle in to our new life.  The good news is that we're making good progress and for the most part we've had a lot of fun doing so.

The househunting part was stressful.  We have a 30 day limit in the temporary living facilities, and the number of available housing that fit our criteria was daunting.  With the pups, it needed to be a pet friendly house and we really felt strongly about a fenced yard.  We wanted at least four bedrooms since we've got two babies coming as well as an onslaught of family for visits, and we wanted to be within 10 miles of the base.  After scouring my various house hunting sites for a few months now, I knew that was going to be a tough bill to fill.  I had hoped that by the time we arrived, more houses would be opening up, unfortunately that just didn't seem to be the case.

Saturday morning, I got up and started calling landlords and property managers to schedule viewings.  I was shocked that in many cases, the first showing I could get was four or five days away.  With our buying, selling and renting experiences in the States, we had always found that if you called a realtor they were getting you into houses that same day or the next.  On the flip side, if someone wanted to look at our house we might get a days notice if we were lucky, more likely a few hours to vacate for an hour or two and have the house in tip top condition.  This just isn't the case in Germany.

Similarly, we've been looking to buy a second car, used but with fairly low mileage and built within the last 5-10 years.  This is almost as difficult as finding a house.  If you swing a cat, you'll hit a used BMW for sale, but chances are good that it's closer to 15 or 20 years old than 5 and has more miles on it than the space shuttle.  There are tons of used car lots, but the prices are pretty inflated and certainly more than we're looking to spend on a second hand car.  But then those that meet our criteria on the base for-sale-by-owner lot are few and far between.  We test drove a Mercedes sedan on Sunday, and it rode like a dream, but is still a little more than we're looking to spend, so we've been trying, with very little success, to arrange appointments to look at the other two cars that we're eyeing.  When we went out to the used car lots, we wandered through all of the cars and were never once approached by a sales person and oftentimes, the prices aren't even listed on the vehicles.  It's hard to really complain about not being swarmed by slick dealers, but if you have a question it is awfully hard to get an answer.

Perhaps it's just because Germany isn't such a capitalistic society as what we're used to dealing with.  Of course, they want to make a sale, but they'd just as soon do it tomorrow as today from what we could tell.  Or even next week, for that matter!  I had really hoped that we would have a vehicle by the end of this week, but it looks like we'll be renting for a while yet.

Happily, we did find a wonderful house in a picturesque German village, right across the street from a cow pasture.  It meets all of our criteria and is a perfect layout and size for our needs.  It even has a pantry in the kitchen, and I can't tell you how much that made my day!  We were the first ones in for the open house on Saturday, and the realtor was kind enough to give us a little time to think about what we wanted to do since it was our very first viewing.  On Sunday, I managed to strong arm a different realtor into giving us a showing of the only other house we were considering, and though it was also a wonderful option, we decided our country house was a better fit.

We've been trying to sign the contract all week.  We met with the realtor yesterday, but it was just for him to give us a copy of the contract signed by the landlords, and we made a follow-up appointment to meet at the housing office today as they'll be giving the final approval on the deal.  Unfortunately, when we showed up, the housing office was randomly closed for the day.  So, we're trying again tomorrow, and hopefully things will be official.  I don't want to get too excited or share too much before we know the deal is sealed, but here's a little teaser of what our view would be from our back balcony.

Wrapping Up the First Trimester

So, who knew one of the trickiest parts of pregnancy would be figuring out exactly when the first trimester ends and the second begins?  Before getting pregnant, I heard a lot about 12 weeks, so I just figured that was the end of first tri.  Then, once I started reading up more on pregnancy, I heard conflicting reports about 13 and 14 weeks each being the beginning of the second trimester.  So, for my own purposes, I've pretty much decided that since I'll probably have a truncated pregnancy anyway, 13 weeks is probably close enough to the end of first tri for me to breathe a sigh of relief, but 14 weeks is just around the corner, so either way, I'm almost done with the first 1/3 of my pregnancy.

How did THAT happen??
The first few weeks of the pregnancy draaaaaagged horribly.  We were extremely nervous about whether the babies would stick around, and it wasn't until about 9 weeks that I started to rest easy and really get excited about being pregnant.  Since then, the past few weeks have blown by and I find myself staring in the mirror in complete and utter shock when I see myself from the side.
I was pretty bloated from the get go thanks to the lovely side effects of IVF meds, so I've felt pretty puffy in the abdominal region for three months now, but in the last week or so that bloat has definitely transitioned into full on baby bump, in no small part thanks to my two little Frankensteins consisitently measuring about a week ahead.

I've been incredibly lucky that I've managed to almost entirely avoid any morning sickness.  For the first couple of months, I'd get nauseous if I was hungry, and I had one or two days when I didn't feel top notch, but I've never experienced anything that I would compare to the awfulness that other women go through.  I'm counting my blessings on that one.

The only real symptoms I've had have been the debilitating exhaustion, some pretty rotten headaches, the afore-mentioned bloating, and erm, irregularity shall we say.  In the last week, the skin on my stomach has been itching something awful, probably the result of stretching to accomodate my little parasites.  Happily, also in the last week, the daily headaches have abated and I'm feeling a lot more energetic.  I still tire easily, a two or three mile walk wipes me out, but I don't need naps every day, and I'm sleeping a more regular 7 or 8 hours a night and feeling rested instead of needing 10-12 to function normally.

And perhaps most exciting of all, I'm finally getting my pregnancy boobs!  They're still nothing to write home about, but I am getting close to growing out of my bras and may just make it to a B cup before this whole thing is over.  I'll never give up hope...  Somewhat more frighteningly, my belly button is already becoming alarmingly shallow.  I'm not quite sure where I'm going to put these babies for the next 6 months.

The plan for the next week is to figure out where I'll be seeing a doctor and schedule a 15 or 16 week appointment.  We're hoping that by then maybe we'll be able to find out the sexes, though we probably won't announce until the 20 week appointment when things are more developed and certain.  It's been a very exciting few weeks, and I can't wait to get into a house and start setting up the nursery.  We got so many tiny little outfits and hats and mittens at our shower, but it's still so hard to believe that pretty soon we're going to have some tiny little babies to filling out those clothes!

Another New Home

After an INSANE week of packing, working, running last minute errands, spending time with friends, cleaning out our house, driving to Baltimore, dropping our car off at the port, spending 12 hours in an airport, and 7 hours in an airplane over the Atlantic... WE HAVE MADE IT!  No more countdowns, no more preparation... we live in Germany.

I still can't quite believe it.
Last week went pretty well.  At one point we had all three moving companies in our house, and it was hectic trying to direct them all toward the right piles and making sure the right things were leaving with the proper trucks.  The pups started to get a bit overwhelmed when the house started to empty out, but they found consolation when we ended up sleeping downstairs on an air mattress for our last few nights in the house.  They got the special treat of climbing on the bed and curling up with us--usually a huge no no in our house since I can't stand dog hair in my sheets!

Some of our good friends were kind enough to rescue us from our air mattress hell (I was waking up at least once an hour and completely stiff with pain every morning--I'm getting too old for this shit) and we stayed at their house on Saturday and Sunday night.  Saturday, a few of my amazingly wonderful friends hosted a beautiful going away/shower for us.  The theme was our "Journey to Parenthood", and they had peeked at my Pinterest to get an idea for decorations!  The house was decked out with banners and hearts made out of maps, the food was all based around the places that we have lived together over the years--apple pie for Washington, jambalaya for Louisiana, benne wafers for Charleston, Kaisespatzle for Germany, etc--and all of the colors were my front runners for the nursery, aqua, green and yellow.  It was so, so fantastic and we had a wonderful evening with our closest Charleston friends.
Monday, we woke up early, loaded up the car and took care of all our last minute to-do's, then hit the road toward Baltimore around 9:30 am.  We hit some DC traffic that delayed us about an hour, but we made it to our hotel around 7, then went out for a quick dinner.  We went to a really yummy sushi place, Sushi Q for all you Baltimore folk, and I got called out for being pregnant by a stranger for the first time ever.  Guess these babies are starting to make their presence known!
Tuesday was a very long day as we had to complete the intricate dance of dropping our car off at the port, picking up a rental car and reloading everything in the hotel back into the car, then getting to the airport, heading to a wonderful lunch with my very good blog (and real life now!) friend, Lynn and her adorable kids, dropping Colby and all of our stuff at the curb while I went back to drop the rental car off, shuttled back to the airport where we checked in... and then sat for 12 hours.  We checked in at 3:45 and were supposed to take off a bit before 10 pm, but there were mechanical issues and the plane didn't even arrive until 9:45, so we finally took off at midnight.
Although we couldn't talk our way into the first class seats--even playing the pregnant card!--the check-in agent got us some good seats on the top level of the 747, and I had more legroom than I've ever had in a non-bulkhead seat.  There was also a little shelf between my seat and the window where I could put drinks, books and other airplane paraphernalia and not feel squished against the wall.  We both slept for most of the flight and landed around 1:30 pm on Wednesday Germany time.  It took us a while to get our bags, and while Ellie seemed to endure the flight without too much trauma, Jack spent the flight trying to chew his way out of his airline crate.  He even managed to bend some of the metal on the door with the force of his chewing.  He must have been absolutely crazy with fear, poor little guy.  He chipped one of his canines, so we'll need to get him into a vet soon to make sure his teeth are okay.

Our friends picked us up at the terminal and brought us over to our temporary living facilities.  We're set up very nicely for the next few weeks until we can find a permanent housing solution.  We've got two bedrooms, a nice bathroom, a washer and dryer, a very big (for Germany!) kitchen with a dining area and a living room.  Colby spent today inprocessing and I slept in then got unpacked and did a little organizing.  When Colby got home from work we went for a long walk with the pups to enjoy the beautiful weather.

We've still got a long road ahead of us--we have to find a car to buy, a house to rent, set up cell phone service and all of our utilities, figure out a local banking plan, have our household goods delivered, unpack... it's overwhelming, but I'm so excited to be here, and I'm just hoping things start to fall into place soon.  Here we go!

One Week

One week from today, we leave Charleston in our rear view mirror as we set off for our next big adventure.  We both have very mixed feelings about this move.  Of course, I'm incredibly excited to have the opportunity to live in Germany.  We're so lucky to keep going from one amazing assignment to the next, and I think Colby will have a much better work environment with a lot more time at home in Europe.  But, we've really come to feel at home in Charleston.

I never really fell in love with Seattle.  It was a lovely city, and I made some absolutely wonderful friends there, but it never felt like home.  I would recommend it as a vacation destination in a heartbeat, but when we drove south from Washington to South Carolina, I was elated.  I had no qualms about leaving Washington as a memory, and I was unreservedly excited to move.  Now I want to cry when I think that I won't smell the pluff mud anymore, or be able to drive downtown to my favorite restaurants, or feel the salty breeze when we sit out on our back porch.  Charleston has my heart, and as amazing as I know it will be to live in Europe, I'll miss this place desperately.

Two weekends ago, we put off packing for a little while and headed downtown for a stroll and a picnic on the Battery.  We got our delicious sandwiches, chips and a brownie at Caviar & Bananas, then sat on the steps of the gazebo in White Point Gardens.  It was a perfect day--warm, with a slight breeze, the sky was perfectly blue and the water a gorgeous sea green.  This past weekend, we took a short break from packing to meet some friends for brunch at my favorite breakfast place, The Fat Hen, and this coming Friday we'll have our one last date night in Charleston at Hall's Chophouse.  I feel like this is the perfect farewell tour, and the only way leaving won't break my heart is if I keep telling myself, we'll be back again someday.

Attempted storage vs. Germany shipment organization based on neon stickers and piles.  We'll see how it goes.

So, today is our final, frenzied packing day.  Our house looks like a tornado came through--a relatively organized tornado, but still.  We've done our best to sort out what will be going into storage, what will arrive in Germany in a couple of months, and what will be delivered as soon as we find a place to live.  I have goodbye dinners and lunches lined up most days of the week, I'll work my last day as a nanny on Thursday, and by the end of the day Thursday all of our stuff will be gone.

This is my fourth military move, and by far the most difficult on every level.  I long for the days when the movers just showed up and did all the work for us!  But by tonight, we'll be done with our portion and we'll let the professionals take over in the morning (though with heavy supervision so that, with any luck, everything ends up going to the right place).  And in a week, we'll be Germany bound.

I'll miss Charleston, but I am looking forward to our next step.  This year carries with it so much potential for awesomeness and as sad as I am about saying goodbye to this chapter of my life, I'm ready to grab on to the future with both hands and take full advantage of all of the opportunities and adventures that await!

Where Babies Come From, Part 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Whew, well, if you've stuck with me this long, your patience will be rewarded, by the end of this one, we'll finally be up to present day!

Following our appointment at 6 weeks 6 days, we were feeling very relieved that we had two healthy babies growing, but I'm not gonna lie.  We were Freaked Out.  It's a huge leap to go from the mindset that you may never be able to have a biological baby of your own to the news that you're getting not only one, but two little ones all in one go.

Our emotions were mixed.  On the one hand, clearly, we were insanely excited that in vitro had worked, that things were progressing smoothly, that we were getting two for the price of one.  But the thought of multiples is just plain scary.  The pregnancy is higher risk for both me and the babies.  There's a much higher chance that our babies will be born prematurely and have related complications.  To put a number on it, the March of Dimes states that a twin pregnancy comes with a 60% chance of premature delivery (before 37 weeks) and the average twin pregnancy is 35 weeks long (normal gestation is 40 weeks).  There's also a higher chance that I'll get gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, or placental abruption.

Not to mention, two babies at once is just plain HARD.  I've never taken care of a baby 24/7, but I've cared for plenty of infants in my lifetime starting with 2-week-olds, and after just a few hours with one, you're dying for a nap.  I don't know how feeding a baby and changing their diaper can be so exhausting, but it is.  It really is.  And times that by two babies not sleeping through the night, not taking naps, having fussy moments, spitting up, needing diaper changes.  Not to mention, down the road a ways needing college funds at the same time, getting married around the same time... you get the idea.  We were, and still are, overwhelmed.

That said, over the past few weeks, I think we've adjusted to the idea, and while it's still scary to think about when I let my imagination wander too much, overall my general emotion is just happiness.  Pure happiness.  And gratefulness.  I'm so grateful.  I know that it won't be an easy first couple of years, and as one of the grandmas put it, our lives will never be boring again, but I feel so lucky that we've been given this chance to love and care for two babies who I'm sure will change our lives 100% for the better.

It also eased the pain of the news that our 3rd little wonky football embryo never made it to the freezing stage.  We had a pretty strong suspicion that would be the case, but I was really hoping that we'd have another chance to add to our family without having to go through the long 6 weeks of hormone therapy and shell out another $12000+ for in vitro fertilization.  Without the possibility of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) there's a pretty high chance that this will be the only pregnancy I ever experience, so if it means that the pregnancy will be tougher and life will be a little more complicated for a few years, I'll take it knowing that we'll get two miraculous children out of this.

The weeks between my 7 week and 9 week ultrasounds actually went by pretty quickly.  I was working a ton, prepping for our big move, and wasn't finding too much time to dwell on each individual day.  It was a morning appointment on April 17th, and unfortunately, Colby was still in Seattle and was going to be in a simulator during the ultrasound, so there was no dialing in this time.  I laid down on the table and the doctor got down to business after reminding me that this was my last day with them, and I'd be transferring to the women's center with my old OB/GYN for my next appointment.  He turned the screen toward me, and there they were, so much bigger than just two weeks before and two beautiful 180 bpm heartbeats.

  Baby A's head is on the right, and she is laying on her back.  Baby B's head is to the left, and he's laying facedown.  (I obviously don't know the sexes yet, but I refuse to call my babies "it".)  The greyish area between Baby A's stomach and the top of my uterus is the umbilical cord... awwww!

I was also thrilled to see movement from both of the babies.  Baby A just waved her arms around a little, but Baby B was rocking and rolling all over while the doctor was trying to get his measurements.  It's hard to believe the baby can move that much, and I don't feel a thing!  At that point, they each measured just a little under an inch long and still measured a couple of days ahead.  They were still pretty blobby, but I could make out little arm and leg nubs, and started to understand how every mother can think her baby is the absolute cutest thing in the entire universe.

We had decided that if all went well at our second ultrasound, we would start making our news public.  So, we spent the next week calling friends and family and sharing our exciting news.  Even though I still would have preferred to wait until 12 weeks to announce, it was beginning to get awkward trying to pretend that I wasn't pregnant when so many people knew what we had gone through and had their suspicions.  Not to mention, I was sporting some serious IVF bloat and already looked about 3 or 4 months pregnant pretty much from the get go.  Finally, at the end of April when I was 10 weeks, we made the big Facebook announcement, and there was no going back!

The past 19 months have been such a rollercoaster ride, and there were countless times that I thought our car was going to go completely off the rails.  I never thought it would be this difficult to have a baby, but I can honestly say that my mantra throughout my struggle with infertility has held true.  This has all been so worth it.  I still want to cry with happiness when I think about where all of our determination and effort has brought us today, and I would never trade these two precious babies for any other experience.

Today, I go for my first appointment back in the "real world", and I'm very anxious about leaving the hand holding and kid gloves of the fertility clinic behind.  I've gotten used to a world where people are sensitive and educated about the struggles of infertility, and I know I'm going to have to get used to much more cavalier treatment, particularly if I end up going to a military doctor in Germany.  But at the same time, I'm excited to leave that sheltered world behind and start to feel more "normal" again.

I'm sure people will never stop asking if our twins are "natural" (for what it's worth, the more sensitive terminology to use would be "spontaneous"), and I will never hesitate to open up about my experience with infertility treatments.  But I am looking forward to gradually starting to feel more at one with other moms and less like the Sneetch with a star on its belly.  And thank you again, so, so much for coming with me on this journey.  I couldn't have asked for a more supportive environment to share my story, and I'm looking forward to sharing the next chapter with you.

This is the end of one journey, and the beginning of another that is beyond my wildest imaginations.
 

Where Babies Come From, Part 3

Part 1, Part 2

The morning that we got our first positive pregnancy test, I was scheduled to work for a sitting service at a hotel in Charleston.  I got to work and found out that I'd be working in the baby room, so I spent the day trying not to burst into tears of happiness as I got to cuddle babies and imagine a future with a little one of my own.

Of course, as I mentioned, I was still scared that my test had given me a false positive, so I tested every morning for the next few days while I awaited the blood test.  Each morning, the line showed up a little darker, and we got a little more excited.  

Finally, the morning of my blood test arrived, and I showed up more thrilled than ever to be jabbed with a needle.  I was happy that my favorite nurse called me back, and when she sat me down and prepared her vampire kit, I confided to her that I was a little worried about Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).  It seemed as though every day, my ovaries hurt worse and it was still nearly impossible for me to walk normally without the jarring from each step making me feel that my stomach was going to explode from the pain and pressure.  She gave me a coy little smile and asked if I'd taken a home pregnancy test.  I confided that I had, and that it was positive and her smile grew wider.  Evidently, the ovarian pain was a good sign as my uterus had probably already started stretching out a bit to make room for a baby, and was putting pressure on my already sensitive ovaries.  She suggested that I mention it to my nurse advisor, but when I did, she also agreed that this was probably a good thing, and to just keep an eye on things.

The next few hours dragged by as I waited for the phone to ring.  Finally, the name of the fertility center flashed on my screen, and when I answered, my nurse coordinator happily confirmed what we'd all been thinking and hoping.  We were officially pregnant!  I immediately called Colby, and we were finally ready to call our parents and give them the good news before swearing them to secrecy for the next few weeks, until we felt ready to widen the circle of trust.

I continued to go back to the clinic periodically over the next week to continue blood draws that checked my HCG levels.  On the 14th, my HCG level came back at 330, on the 16th it was 841 and by my final check on the 23rd it had skyrocketed to 10,969.  We were thrilled by these numbers.  In the very early stages of pregnancy, when levels are below 1200, you want your HCG to double every 48 to 72 hours.  Between 1200 and 6000, they should double every 72-96 hours, and above 6000 they can take four or more days to double.  My doubling time between the 14th and 16th was 35.5 hours and between the 16th and 23rd was 45.34 hours, so we felt fairly confident that we had a solid, viable pregnancy.

Still, it seemed like a million years passed before the morning of my first ultrasound on April 4th at 6 weeks and 6 days.  Because Colby had left for training in Seattle the day after we found out we were pregnant, I had to go to the appointment alone, and I will never forget the feeling of sitting there on the examing table, with a paper blanket over my legs, shaking uncontrollably.  I was so nervous, that despite not having had a lick of morning sickness, I really thought I would throw up.

Finally, the doctor, a nurse, and an intern came in, and I asked if it would be okay for me to put Colby on speakerphone.  That was quickly okayed, and after getting him on the line, I lay back on the table and waited anxiously for the results.  It was pretty quiet for a few minutes as my doctor took in the screen, then the first words our of his mouth, "It looks like you went for the bonus package!"  He turned the screen toward me, and there they were, my two little blobs-in-residence.

 
Even though I had my ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days, they both measured a few days ahead--Baby A at 7 weeks 3 days and Baby A at 7 weeks 4 days.  Time for a diet, babies!

Shock does not even begin to convey how we felt at that moment.  I started to giggle uncontrollably, and that set Colby off so we probably sounded like escapees from a mental ward.  Then suddenly the nurse was handing me a tissue, and I realized I was crying.  On top of all that, the doctor pointed out a tiny, flickering pinprick of light and said, "There's a heartbeat."  I cannot even put that moment into words.  It was so special and miraculous.

When we had our initial consult, our doctor very plainly stated that our chances of success on our first cycle, with the factors we had going against us, was around 50-60%.  He also explained that if we implanted two embryos, our chance of multiples was around 25%, in comparison to the rate of spontaneous twins among the general population of around 1-2% (I don't know the source of these statistics).  So, while we knew there was the chance that we'd get two babies, after looking at the odds of maybe a 50-60% chance of getting pregnant and then out of that a 25% chance of twins, it didn't seem terribly likely.

And yet.  There they were, both with strong heartbeats at 160 beats per minute.  But even after all of the blood tests, and seeing the babies for myself, I still couldn't believe that this was really happening.  I was utterly convinced that something would go wrong, and other than our parents and my sister, I still didn't feel comfortable sharing our news with the world.

Where Babies Come From, Part 2

Part 1 here.

Following the embryo transfer, I was instructed to take it easy for the next 48 hours.  Science hasn't necessarily proven that remaining in a prone position actually helps with implantation, but I think the doctors understand that we fragile fertility patients need a little extra TLC, and relaxing certainly doesn't hurt the implantation process.  Fortunately our transfer was on a Saturday, and I'd already rescheduled my Monday job for Tuesday in case of a five day transfer, so I had two days to lay around in bed and on the couch and send messages to my tiny little babies that I'd really like it if they'd stick around.

Thus began the most excrutiating six days of my life.  Every single twinge, cramp, or itch felt loaded with meaning.  I spent my days swinging wildly back and forth between being convinced I was pregnant and certainty that all I was feeling was my period coming on.  My boobs were sore, but they'd been sore every cycle so far and obviously I'd never been pregnant.  I began feeling menstrual cramps around 6 or 7 days post embryo transfer and initially panicked, until I remembered that my dear friend, Sarah, also an IVF veteran had told me that she had what felt like menstrual cramps with each of her successful IVF cycles.  I was exhausted, but that could easily just be the stress or the high dose of progesterone I was taking.  I was bloated, but that seemed to be a normal side effect of IVF.

So, I spent the next few days religiously taking my progesterone supplements 3 times a day and applying two estrogen patches every other day.  The Prometrium (progesterone supplement) was absolutely disgusting--I had to insert it vaginally 3 times a day, and it was definitely a case of what goes in must come out.  Ugh.  My nurse assured me I was getting all of the hormone that I needed, so I had to trust her.

Colby was leaving on March 11th for training in his new aircraft in Seattle, and my blood test wasn't until March 14th.  We really wanted to find out if we were pregnant together, but I was terrified of taking a test too early to show up positive and feeling the crushing disappointment of a negative, or too early and getting a false postive from any hormones that might still be coursing through my body.  I waffled back and forth over when to test, and finally decided that although ten days post retrieval was early, I'd take the risk--but I didn't tell Colby I was planning to test so that just in case it was a negative, I could test again on the 11th and hope for a positive and he'd never have to feel that disappointment.

I could barely sleep on the night of March 9th.  What felt like menstrual cramps were on in full force, and my ovaries were still incredibly painful from all of the stimulation.  I finally fell asleep around 1 in the morning, then popped awake around 5:30 on the 10th knowing that was all the sleep I'd be getting for the night.  Colby was still sound asleep, so I crept into our bathroom, grabbed a handful of internet cheapies (I haven't been using the "good" tests for almost a year) and a cup, then headed to our downstairs bathroom.

I took a deep breath, did my business with the cup, then dipped two tests in it and promptly set my phone alarm for five minutes and sat where I couldn't see them.  I distracted myself with Draw Something, my hands shaking violently and my heart skipping every other beat.  Finally five minutes had passed, and I knew I could look.

I slowly made my way to the counter and peered down at the sticks, my eyes still a little bleary from sleep.  It took a few seconds to see it, but there it was, very faint, but definitely there.  A second line.  For the first time in my life, I was finally seeing that second line.  

I don't think I took a breath for another 30 seconds as I just stood there, staring at that test, still shaking.  I was pretty sure the false HCG was out of my system now, since my last HCG injection had been 12 days ago.  I was pretty sure that this test meant we were pregnant.  (And yes, of course I took a photo, but don't worry, I won't make you look at a piece of cardboard that I swirled around in my pee.)

I finally snapped out of my reverie, grabbed the test, and pounded up the stairs into the bedroom.  I turned on the light and jumped on the bed, waving the tiny white stick with a barely visible second line in Colby's face.  "Do you know what this means??" I crowed gleefully.  He did not, but he could tell I was pretty excited.

I calmed down enough to hold the test still enough for him to look at, and that was one of the most special moments in our relationship.  That moment of realizing that all of the sadness, and heartbreak, and frustration of the last year and a half had led us to this moment of pure joy and relief.  We were pregnant.  And we only had to wait 4 more days for the blood test to make sure it was real.

Where Babies Come From, Part 1

"Well, when a man and a woman really love each other, they go to a doctor, the woman gives herself injections multiple times a day, the man looks at a dirty magazine to make his contribution, a doctor sticks a long needle through the woman's ovaries to take out her eggs, a bunch of scientists injects the man's sperm into the woman's eggs, the embryo develops over the next 3-5 days, then the doctor puts the embryo back inside the woman, and if everyone is very lucky, a baby gets made!  Why are you looking at me like that, did you hear something different?"

First, I'd like to thank you all so much for respecting our privacy over the last couple of months, and then receiving our news with such joy and love.  There have been a few times during the last year and a half when I did question sharing this journey, second guessing myself and wondering if I was crazy not to keep it private.  But feeling the support and excitement almost literally radiating from my screen as we shared the news here and on Facebook, I know I did the right thing.  This has never been an experience that I've been ashamed of, and I hope more women begin opening up about their experiences with infertility.  It can be so lonely and isolating, and it truly doesn't have to be that way.  That said, I have been far too terrified since our embryo transfer to share any of my thoughts or hopes.  The truth seemed too tenuous, too hard to believe, almost, in a strange way, too easy in the end.  It almost seemed as if I talked about it too openly, the miracle that we've experienced would shrivel up and float away in the wind.  We had to process this pregnancy and these babies on our own terms before we began sharing with the world, and now I'm so thrilled to let you in on our joy with an open and optimistic heart.

When we last left off in the saga of Frankenbaby, we had just had the disappointing news that out of the already fewer than expected ten eggs were retrieved on February 29, only three had fertilized.  Four of the eggs weren't any good, and even with ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection--where the sperm is actually injected directly into the egg, rather than the more customary IVF approach of allowing the sperm and egg to just hang out in the same petrie dish and hoping the sperm gets the right idea), only three of those had fertilized.

I was pretty much a mess--physically and emotionally.  Even with the oxycodone, I could barely stand up straight because my ovaries were so swollen and still so achy from the retrieval.  I'm not sure why I wasn't expecting that level of pain--I had just had needles jammed through my ovarian walls, and my ovaries were at least twice their normal size--but for some reason, I thought it would be similar to the pain I felt after my hysteroscopy and hadn't prepared myself for the level of discomfort I was enduring.  So, add to that my discouragement about our three little embryos, the next few days were not my favorite in the world.

With such a low egg count, we knew that we were going to do the three day transfer instead of the five, and after my initial disappointment, I tried my hardest to listen to everyone who was reminding me that it truly was quality over quantity and it only takes one strong, healthy embryo to make a baby.  So, I started praying hard for just one perfect little embryo to make it through the necessary three day wait.

Finally, March 3rd rolled around, and I had to wake up and chug down around 40 oz of liquid so that the guiding ultrasound would work for the embryo transfer.  I'd been half expecting to get a call canceling the transfer due to a lack of good embryos, so I couldn't believe it when we were in the car on our way to the fertility clinic.  We showed up to the clinic, and sat nervously in the waiting room.  I couldn't focus on my book or any magazines, and the power was out in half of the clinic, so there was an ominous darkness and flickering of lights that reminded me of something out of Shutter Island.

The poor nurses were scrambling around to fit us, and the one other couple there for their transfer, into the half of the clinic with working power where Colby and I sat again, somewhat grey-faced and anxious, for the doctor to come in and give us our final fertility report.  After what seemed like hours, the doctor came breezing in with a smile on his face and happily showed us the photo of our three little embryos.  Two were beautifully oval and even looking, one was shaped more like a wonky football.

The two transferred embryos are on the top left and on the far right.

The doctor explained that his recommendation was to transfer the two round ones--one showed a little sign of fragmentation (just some muck in the cells, pretty normal)--but the other was nearly perfect.  He was doubtful about our third little embie, but recommended that we let it run its course over the next couple of days to see if it could be frozen for a future effort.  We readily agreed to his recommendation, and then it was into the procedure room, where I laid on a table and tried not to pee all over the place.

The doctor, a nurse and the embryologist all worked together on our transfer, and it really only took about five minutes from start to finish.  We watched as the doctor fed a long tube through my cervix, into my uterus, created a tiny air bubble to mark the spot, then took the embryos from the embryologist and shot two tiny, barely visible specks behind the bubble, and that was it.  For at least the next few hours, I knew I would have two babies inside of me--further along in our journey toward parenthood than we'd ever made it before--though until they decided to implant and my body began producing enough HCG to turn a pregnancy test positive, there was no way to know if all of our time, money, and effort had been successful.

The arrow is pointing to the two air bubbles--the embryos are floating somewhere between the two white dots.

I had to continue to lay on the table for the next 30 minutes, letting the embryos float around and hopefully find a comfortable spot to call home for the next nine months, then we went home, and the real wait began.